Institute Your Own System

“You’re hurting my ears.”

• Guerilla Tip:  Pick low-hanging fruit. 
  
  They are easiest to reach, taste the same as any, give a fast sense of accomplishment and would only get in the way of reaching the rest.  A German saying:  He who likes cherries soon learns to climb. 
  
  There is an exception to the rule of picking low-hanging fruit.  Start on the hardest part of a project where mistakes cannot be covered, like chiseling a stone sculpture.  In painting with watercolors, it pays to start with a key area and to work from light colors to dark.  Since colors are transparent, mistakes are only repaired with a darker color. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  In projects where mistakes are hard to cover, start on the hardest part first.  If you mess up badly, you can restart with less time and effort lost than if you left it for last and then messed up. 
  
  Diplomats, all seasoned negotiators, take two different approaches with the hard-to-reach golden apple of solving a sensitive issue.  Usually they work their way up from the low-hanging fruit.  With those issues settled, everyone feels accomplished, warmed up to the other side and ready to go out on a limb. 
  
  Occasionally, diplomats start at the most sensitive issue.  Once they reach consensus on it, other issues are all easy picking.  And without the prizewinner, the rest of the crop may be worth little. 

• “Hold them close, then let them go,” is the parenting theme of clinical psychologist Haim Ginott. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Relating to the arc of the years of development requires ever-changing renewal on your part. 
  
  As the years pass starting at one, you will be holding them close less and less, while letting them go more and more.  As following this motto will garner you the best of both worlds, show your kids lots of love but don’t crush them. 
  
  Think of holding a bird in your hands and being gentle, patient and trusting.  Although you may want the bird to stay forever, you surely know that the tighter you hold, the more desperate you make it want to fly off and never return. 
  
  Zen Master Langya said, “Think of how trees let birds flock then fly off, without asking for their arrival nor aching for their return when they depart.  Keep your heart like the trees, and you will find your own grounding.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you stay one step ahead, you can shower them with love without either confining or controlling. 
  
  When Daniel was one year old, I planted tulips throughout October and November, keeping him securely strapped into a harness on my chest or my back, warm inside my jacket.  It made me think of the closeness babies must feel when they are carried around all day long in a papoose. 
  
  My time with my kids was priceless, but I did not make the moments overly precious by judging every activity through the fashionable lens of quality time.  Instead, it was perfectly normal for me to prune a crabapple tree while the kids were catching fireflies in jars.  The scene does not qualify as quality time, but it is family time nonetheless, and memories are made of little moments. 
  
  While I had precious little time with my kids, still, when they asked to go off to a birthday party, I said that was fine.  What was I going to do, say no to a birthday party? 

• To get things going in your home, or to overhaul an ineffective household, you need a system.  Not my system, but your very own system.
  
  Kids ask for the same bedtime story because the repeating pattern is comforting to them.  Give them comfort, too, in the form of your predictable system.  Then reshape your system artfully over the years as circumstances change and kids mature.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A system of house rules is a whole plan.  If rules change when you are tired, that is not a system, but a mess. 
  
  I love you for it, because you are as human as the next.  However, your kids will take advantage of it. 
  
  They will do so not because they are greedy and self-serving, although I would be hard pressed to disagree with you if it appears that way.  The bigger picture is that kids will rebel against absentee parenting.  They will generate consequences for you to face for your inaction.  Get real and take charge. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Lead poorly if you must, but lead, and when you goof, refine your system. 
  
  First admit that you are in charge, please.  Tell them so.  Apologize when you mishandle something, but never apologize for being in charge.  Focus your apology on the tone, “I want to say I’m sorry I snapped at you,” but back up the content if you can. 
  
  If you need to, check your lease or mortgage papers.  Whoever signed is at least one of the folks in charge.  Whoever did not sign, because minors cannot legally sign a binding agreement, is definitely not in charge. 
   

• Setting Imaginative Boundaries
  Create your own household rather than recreating someone else’s family.  If you stay within the bounds of responsibility and respect, or if you extend those bounds for reasons you trust, you can arrange things as you like.  Anything inside a thought-out system can be good, anything falling outside the plan needs scrutiny.  Any consistent way you want to arrange things is fine if you think it through.  You are free to inspire your kids, but never to cause any harm you cannot repair.  There’s no wrong way, and don’t be scared off by conventional wisdom, whatever that is, that argues against your system. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Advocate for the unconventional idea.  Convention can be a simplifying and comforting rule of order, but it no longer needs an advocate. 
  
  Setting boundaries for your kids creates constraints for them.  If well chosen, the constraints express love.  Far from a constraint for you, setting your boundaries means playing with parenting, and the sky’s the limit.  Have a blast.  If you have your head in the stars and your feet on the ground, you have the best of both worlds:  the spontaneous balanced with the practical, adventurer paired with CEO, warrior and priest, hunter and gatherer, English speaker out in the world and Hungarian speaker to your great-grandmother.

• One year, I worked as a restaurant manager and sometimes filled in as a waiter.  Occasionally, customers who knew me in my profession as a technical writer asked if it felt like a comedown to wait on tables.  I compared it to being a host, not a servant.  To be at someone’s service, graciously entertaining guests, is an enjoyable role and does not put you beneath them. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Serving warmly is not servile.  To serve our kids’ needs with tenderness is not to be their servant. 
  
  Pre-Columbian Mexicans believed even your grandchild is your beloved noble descendant, a jewel, a precious feather.  Then again, bonding with a grandchild could be a matter of uniting against a common enemy.  Note that the Aztecs practiced human sacrifice, which supplemented an otherwise low-protein diet, a whole new spin on serving warmly with tenderness. 
   

• Scenario One:  You have no system yet, you have a baby—You are very lucky to start fresh. 
  
  The new parent gets more advice on what to do than anyone else does.  My technique was to graciously thank folks for their ideas, mentally trash them—the advice, that is—then end the day by picking through the trash for those few bits I could keep and try. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When you get advice, this included, treat it like any other gift you receive.  After you say thank you politely, you are free at any time to use it or toss it away. 
  
  Practice expressing yourself generously with love and with rules.  Hold her a lot and pass her around freely—under your watchful eye, of course.  Kids of six or eight feel very proud when you can set them up safely in an armchair with the baby in their arms and say, “Good job.  She’s comfortable with you!”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When a baby yells out, instead of telling her no, start by asking, “What’s hurting you, honey, because you’re hurting my ears!” 
  
  “What’s hurting you, honey” is the love and compassion to find out what is really the problem.  As you explore the cause of the crying, you are soothing her with your reassuring voice.  “You’re hurtin’ my ears” is the start of a rule, “When you hurt my ears, I stop listening …”  Of course you know with a baby you won’t get results on the spot, you are rehearsing for saving your hearing in the coming years. 
  
  Then when is the right time to start toughening kids up to face the tough world out there?  You cannot always be there for them, to make nice, but toughness can still wait. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you ask a one-year-old to self-soothe, you might as well ask the kid to arrange for college tuition or at least change his own wet diaper. 
  
  A kid too young to dress himself at all or toilet himself at all can begin learning to comfort himself?  How do they do that?  What about feeding himself?  As long as you are helping at mealtimes you need to help soothe him at feel-bad times.  Parents and non-parents all know that while different cries can mean different things, it is not always possible to get to a crying kid.  But that is different from actively deciding to ignore a kid calling out for help. 
  
  Then there are the times of teething or fever when we hold and hold a kid and still provide very little comfort, but we are present. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Being present shows that you may not be all-powerful, but will be nearby with loyalty and will not give up easily.
  
  Besides, since a newborn has only one form of communication, crying, why would you ever want to train him that his cries will often fall on deaf ears?  Occasionally, yes, but often? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You must choose.  Your actions with a newborn will demonstrate either that this world is basically safe to rely on for our needs to be met or that it is basically not. 
  
  Either the people around us are basically reliable and trustworthy, with exceptions, or they are not, with exceptions. 
  
  The Buddha said, “A single candle can light a thousand and not shorten its own life.  Happiness never decreases because you share it.” 
   

• Scenario Two:  You have no system, you have a challenge—A challenge can still be fixed, one step at a time.  When you come up with each new idea, tell the kids that Mommy got new ears and her new ears don’t like to hear any shouting. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If your current system needs improvement, you have the luxury of taking some time to make it all better.  Even the rest of your life. 
  
  The good news is that all is not lost if you see you created your own mess—or challenge—because if you were strong enough to break it, you are strong enough to fix it.  This simple formulation will help you start over, and extreme makeovers are now all the rage. 
  
  On the other hand, if someone else made the mess, this book would make the perfect gift for them.  In the meantime, tell the kids that there’s news. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If the kids got a new Mommy, the kids have new rules to learn and follow, but you’ll be patient while they learn.  However, this new Mommy and her new ears don’t like to hear any shouting.  
    If it is new to you, here is the posture to try on to get them ready to listen and laugh.  Finding your own voice and using your own words, convey the following message: 

1. It is my business to make you want to listen.  Since you will hear me speak to you with respect, you will want to listen.  There is no forcing involved.  We can have fun with it.  You’ll see. 
2. If, instead, you don’t listen, there will be consequences.  Don’t wait for me to say, ‘Forgive me, but I may not have made myself clear you are over the line, which you are.’  You won’t hear me saying it.  You will see the consequences. 

• Work back from the results you want.   
   
  Guerilla Tip:  To start a new rule, begin by deciding what results you want, big or small, like no shouting without an emergency, and then generate consequences for the kids to face for their actions. 
  
  Good consequences for good actions and the little unpleasant sting of a mosquito bite for bad actions.  They will get it.  Disregard what is right and what is wrong in the larger sense, compared with what will be effective for your kid in your circumstance. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:   Make sure you do not punish or set consequences for some divine sense of justice in the world, but only those that will result directly in a change in future behavior. 
  
  Any other use of consequences is unnecessary and weakens your position.  Furthermore, why would any one human have charge of the justice in the world?  Do you see that job as vacant? 
  
  If you are lost, sometimes all you have to say is, “There will be consequences.”  Let them use their imagination, and you can then decide later what the consequences will amount to.  You will get plenty of chances to improve your new skills. 
  
  What will they get for shouting?  I liked Time Out—coming up next.
  

Invent New Rules As You Go Along

“This is my vacation, too.”

• 

  Changing techniques
  What techniques have you been using that do not produce the results you want?  Do you want to stick with them because you know them like an old worn-out shoe or because you gave up?  
  Perhaps you hope soon to get better results with the same techniques.  If you do, remember that is something Einstein himself defined unfavorably.  If you are striving for serenity instead, a change in techniques may reward you with better results. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If a change were called for, who would make that change, the kids? 
  
  If you are serious about switching from a bad technique to a good one, you must be willing to give up on the bad one even before replacing it.  Go on and fire that sucker. 
  
  Otherwise, you are keeping weeds in your lawn because at least they are green.  That would make sense only if you have more weeds than grass.  If true, why hold on to any of it?  Your home may need an entire overhaul, which comes highly recommended by Machiavelli.  He said that bad arrangements need big rearrangements, not a little weeding here and there.  His writings spoke extensively to remodeling leadership in government, but apply to leading better at home as well. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  As Machiavelli said, when a system is not working, the less you keep, the less of the bad remains.”
  
  Since so much in parenting is trial and error, a new rule may or may not work.  What you know for sure is the old rule failed.  That is proven, so you have nothing to lose by removing it without necessarily having a successful replacement.  This isn’t like climbing Everest. 
   

•      Improvising 
  With me, improvising is the jazz of living.  Kids, though, crave regularity.  During the process of divorce, I learned to formalize how I would run things on my turf.  What did my parents do well, what needed overhaul, what could I learn from other successful parents? 
  
  On the first of four days in Disneyworld, their insistent demands overwhelmed me.  Picture watching three growing kids by yourself in a rollicking ‘park.’  Next, take the sky ride together, dangling high above the park for a mile, and sit unbuckled in an open air car.  The horrible thought of jumping out or pushing someone out came over me and would not leave my head.  That fantasy, even with little worry of acting on it, was still upsetting.  A friend later gave me some comfort by confirming how frightening such a fantasy would be.  No wonder my nerves were shot. 
  
  I went to bed studying why I felt so harried, showed impatience and raised my voice.  A change was called for so my sanity had a healthy place to return to.  It seemed some new rules were in order, and my followers would have to follow my lead.  After all, who got us there, fed us and treated us?  But first, I had to think through what new rules and consequences I wanted—the keys to getting better results. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Always begin with the results you are after. 
  
  Next morning, I spelled out the big plan:  “You each get $10 a day on anything but caffeine sodas (at home, I gave them warm flavored milk I called children’s coffee.)  I will buy us one ice cream a day, so don’t spend on it.  You also lose twenty-five cents for anything I view as misbehavior.” 
  
  It worked the very next day.  Because of their different personal styles, Shevy and Alex held the daily $10 themselves, while Daniel felt it was safer in my hands and wisely asked me to hold it for him.  On the day after that, he wanted a wonderful $20 hat if I could extend him the $10 of the following day.  Since the hat was a very good choice, I agreed but warned him not to ask for even one extra quarter the next day, which he honored. 
  
  Over three days, only one quarter went missing because of misbehavior. 
   

• Limiting thumb sucking and pacifier
  It is hard to pinpoint it, but there is something annoying about seeing five-year-olds walk around with pacifiers.  Maybe it seems like the parent is not helping the kid mature past the suckling stage.  Maybe it isolates the kid, who cannot talk to other kids with that thing in the mouth.  And maybe it shuts the kid up so the parent is happy. 
  
  With my kids, Daniel was addicted to baby bottles of diluted apple juice, Shevy to her ‘passy’ and Alex to mother’s milk.  Somehow at three or four, Shevy bought my lines that “Pacifiers are for the house.  Leave it home so you can find it later,” and “Passies are for nap and bedtimes, only.  Leave it next to your pillow, so you can find it later.” 
   

• Toilet Training 
  Does your toilet-training kid say he does not need the toilet before heading out for a trip? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Before leaving home, tell them, “Okay, just sit or stand at the toilet with open pants and don’t do anything for five seconds, then we’ll go.”  They’ll go all right. 
   

• Interrupting 
  Ever see real parents or TV parents dismissed by their teenagers?  Sure, there are generation gaps that are hard to bridge.  Some of the problem originates from both sides.  When I sensed I was being dismissed, I let the kids know it did not work for me. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you come home and kids do not want you to interrupt them from playing or from watching TV long enough just to say hello, do just that.  Interrupt them. 
  
  Tell them you want a greeting when you come home.  Nothing fancy, “Hi, I’m in here on the computer,” is fine. 
   

• Taking Charge of Releasing Control 
  Judy P. of Highland Park, NJ confided the other day that her son grunts when she questions where he has been (Read, leave me alone.)  She wondered what I did when a 19-year-old doesn’t want to talk (Read, leave me alone.) 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If a 19-year-old wants to be left alone, leave him alone. 
  
  It is better to tell him you see he wants his privacy than to argue and lose.  Judy said she might try some version of “Sorry if I was prying” the next time he grunts an answer.  That comment replaces her resentment with an offer to give him what he craves—more space.  Again, 19, not nine.  Leaders say, “Find out where the crowd is heading and get in front.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Whenever we try to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine—like asking to be invited where we are unwanted—we have ourselves to blame when we end up whining for the lack of whiskey instead of enjoying the wine. 
   

• Reducing Fussiness 
  
  On the question of going only where we are invited, Roselyn B. of Edison, NJ used to invoke her grandmother, Bubbie.  Warm, wise and ladylike, she lived with the family until Roselyn was 18.  Bubbie believed you can simplify your life by not fretting over invitations. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Bubbie’s rule says go when you’re invited, don’t go when you’re not and don’t fuss either way. 
   

• Reducing Headaches 
  
  Does your head hurt when the kids ask endless questions, Why, Why, Why?
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Every new headache begets its own measure of correction.  If kids gives you a new headache, give them a new yardstick, “I need a break after the third Why.”
  
  Note that the yardstick does not wrong them for asking too many questions—you want to encourage curiosity in childhood.  The limitation is yours, and you should have no problem setting your limits, because you still want to head off the headache.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t settle for a bad deal, either. 

Maintain Sanity with a Preemptive Strike

“Now I get why I couldn’t see that movie.”

• When the kids were about 5, 6 and 7, two movies struck me as way off limits:  “New rule.  Don’t even ask me to see Silence of the Lambs or American Pie.  One is too dark for you and the other, too vulgar for me.  Ever.”  I said the subject would be closed, and that was that.  I did not give much rationale, just “Don’t even ask.”  A parent can do that. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  An occasional unexplained rule that looks arbitrary is accepted as a rarity. 
   

• After years of glowing report cards for Alex tainted by a repeated complaint—too much blabbing and calling out—I asked him if there was some way he could bring this thing under control for good.  “Seven teachers with the same complaint?  You’re 11.  What would it take to reduce it, maybe not to zero, but to one?  You tell me.”  While my pep talks had gotten no results, it seemed he might have the control needed to fix things if he wanted to enough.  If he chose the carrot, maybe he would stick to the path that would get him there. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let kids decide what rewards will work for them. 
  
  Alex had an immediate answer:  “If I can reduce it, not to one but two, can I watch Silence of the Lambs?”  I considered two factors.  First, he needed a big incentive and chose this one juicy reward himself, which carried extra value because it was forbidden.  Second, time had passed; he was 11 not five.  The buzz was gone.  He would be seeing it at home, not on a big screen in a dark theater.  I agreed, thinking Boy, this better work. 
  
  Sure enough, on the next report card, seven complaints dropped down to two.  Not zero, but the magical two we agreed on.  He got the movie and enjoyed every minute.  He thanked me and this is the best part:  Instead of saying it was child’s play that any five-year old could have handled, he said he could really see why I put the movie off limits originally.  I was impressed. 
   

• When Shevy was 12, she got excited to hear me dare her $10.00 for learning to swallow a pill with water.  If she could do it one time for a prize, she could do it forever.  The pricey challenge was meant to be enticing, but it was worth it with so many remedies in pill form.  Not taking pills was inconvenient, especially with my propensity for offering a mild vitamin C tablet for scratchy throats, congestion and minor ailments that called for a harmless placebo. 
  
  Even with the dare, Shevy had a hard time and found she still had to gulp the pill down to complete the process.  But she did it, she felt the accomplishment, and it only cost me $10.00. 
   

• Planning a vacation to Washington, DC, I got a question from Shevy, who was 10: “What are we going to see each day?”  A simple question, but I heard myself being assigned a thankless chore:  “Map out each day’s itinerary, so I know what we are doing.  Be social director.  Coordinate everything.”  So I suggested an assignment for her: “Why don’t you see what activities and sites you are interested in.  Figure two things a day for the three days we’ll be in DC.  Then get buy-in from your brothers, too.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let the kids do some legwork, and everyone can be happy with the results. 
   

• If your kid hurts herself and looks to you for reassurance, tell her, “You’re okay,” if you think it’s true.  Especially if she panics, tell her she is okay. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids need reassurance, do not get fancy.  Lend them your ego by telling them they are okay. 
  
  This situation is identical to when you wake up from a bad dream and need your spouse’s clearer head to say you are okay.  It’s not patronizing—it’s stabilizing to hear the words. 
  
  There is a first-born syndrome that usually fades with a few kids.  The syndrome starts with two new parents obsessing over one overly studied little kid.  By the time the fourth one comes around, though, the scene is more like, “Sounded loud.  Is she bleeding?  Okay, then, tell her she’s okay and she’ll get over it.” 
   
• Speaking of using dark material to bright effect, I helped voice coach Linda P. of Piscataway, NJ, with her son’s reading level.  He was tested as reading three years below grade, so I suggested letting him read a racy classic if she was up to it.  Mind you she was very conservative.  The subject matter was guaranteed to keep a seventh-grader’s attention, to get him from cover to cover. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Some subject will keep your kid’s attention better than others. 
  
  Aside from reading those passages, absorbing that old-fashioned, florid language in context actually helps build vocabulary for college entry exams.  Yes, I am completely serious.  The idea was daring, but there was merit and Linda found a book.  It might have been that novel D.H. Lawrence wrote about Mrs. Chatterley. 
  
  Three months later, the kid finished the whole book, and his reading was retested.  He was now reading at grade level—a three-year pop in three months—and Linda felt it was worth the dues she and her husband had paid.

Use Dispassion for Time Out

“Gravity has no anger, but neither does it negotiate.”

•      Time Out, as seen on the streets and homes of the USA, always struck me as some new kind of mind game, complete with recriminations and sermons, yet somehow politically correct.  Without being impolitic, I found it clearly ugly.  I could do better all by myself.  Rethinking Time Out is an example of how to look at what is usually done, judge it by your own standards and decide for yourself, star or a stinker?  If you agree the usual Time Out is just manipulation repackaged—a wolf in sheep’s clothing, all puffed up and thinking of itself as newer and kinder, warm and fuzzy—finding a better technique should not be hard.
  
  To me, all parents using Time Out sounded exactly like this, “That’s it; I’ve had it with you.  Go to your room.  Look at me when I’m talking to you.  You get time out.  Big time out for a big tantrum.  Five minutes; no make that ten with that face you’re making.”  Fifteen minutes later, “Are we ready to rejoin polite society?  Do you know what you did?  What did you do?  Can’t hear you.  How do we feel about what you did?  Will you do it again?  Can’t hear you.  Will you do it again?  Why not?  How will you behave next time grandma gives you a wet sloppy kiss and you object because no cash was involved?  Can’t hear you.”
   

•      By great contrast, I got almost immediate results with a different take on Time Out.  For that take, I got a session of coaching from psychologist Howard P., PhD of North Brunswick, NJ.  For a peaceful shift when staging a Time Out, try P-SHiFTS: 

1.  Pull your punches—With a tone of complete dispassion, say, “That’s Time Out for shouting.” 

In the zeal to apply a stinging punch to nasty behavior, I often wanted to signal my shocked reaction.  That is honest emotion in play, but it does not fit into this technique.  Show no reaction to the misbehavior.  Pull back on the passion, and let Time Out do the heavy lifting. 

When crystal hits the floor and breaks, the floor is not angry and punishing the glass.  Gravity has no anger, but neither does it negotiate.  That is how Time Out works.  Hide your passion, hide your anger.  Just here. 

2.  Say no more—No discussion is allowed once you announce Time Out, “But the fork didn’t even touch her skin.”  Gravity has no anger, but neither does it negotiate. 

3.  Hold the kid’s Hand—Don’t send the kid away, but take him by the hand and park him in the most neutral room behind a closed door.  Doesn’t have to be his room, but if you’re toilet training, don’t involve the bathroom. 

4.  Keep It Fixed—Time Out is a set time no matter the infraction, and five minutes is plenty.  I have seen two used for a two-year-old, three for three-year-olds, and that works. 

Time Out does not judge how severe the misdeed, it just hits.  Too long of a Time Out, though, allows the kid too much time to plan a strategic counter-offensive against the reigning leadership, that’s you.  But five minutes of quiet—that’s good.  Time enough to come up with a new rule, but don’t announce it quite yet.  Savor that for later. 

5.  Set a Timer—Use a cell phone or timer to clock the announced time, instead of watching the time yourself.  Because the timer makes the situation less personal, you get to say, “When the timer rings, Time Out is over and you can come out.” 

6.  Say no more—When Time Out ends, there is no discussion whatsoever about the misbehavior.  Time has been served, The End, unless the kid wants to talk about it.
 

• Is sitting in place required during Time Out?  No, why would you really care?  If they make mischief, Time Out starts again. 
    
  Guerilla Tip:  If a kid in Time Out comes out early, Time Out starts again.  If the kid peaks out the door, pretend you don’t see.
  
  What if the kid won’t stay in all?  That is harder, but you can hold the door shut at first.  If he pulls, Time Out starts again.  However, never lock a kid in a room.  It can be unsafe in a fire.  Also, it can send an unintended but sadistic message and introduce phobias nobody wants. 
   

When cooped up in the car, kids sometimes fought over a toy and brought the whole mood down. 

Guerilla Tip:  Time Out is for toys, too.  “That’s it, hand it over.  The toy gets Time Out for starting a fight.” 

•      You can even put yourself in Time Out whenever your system is down and you need to reboot.   

•      If Time Out is new to you and you want to try it, find a peaceful time to explain it to the troops.  You can even use a transition day. 
    
  Guerilla Tip:  As you introduce Time Out or other new rules, point out, “That is just the sort of sass (fill in your favorite) that will get Time Out starting tomorrow.” 

Let Them Eat Cake

"Starve yourself if you like; dessert will still come."

• When the kids were about 5, 6 and 7, two movies struck me as way off limits:  “New rule.  Don’t even ask me to see Silence of the Lambs or American Pie.  One is too dark for you and the other, too vulgar for me.  Ever.”  I said the subject would be closed, and that was that.  I did not give much rationale, just “Don’t even ask.”  A parent can do that.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  An occasional unexplained rule that looks arbitrary is accepted as a rarity. 

• After years of glowing report cards for Alex tainted by a repeated complaint—too much blabbing and calling out—I asked him if there was some way he could bring this thing under control for good.  “Seven teachers with the same complaint?  You’re 11.  What would it take to reduce it, maybe not to zero, but to one?  You tell me.”  While my pep talks had gotten no results, it seemed he might have the control needed to fix things if he wanted to enough.  If he chose the carrot, maybe he would stick to the path that would get him there.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let kids decide what rewards will work. 
   
  Alex had an immediate answer:  “If I can reduce it, not to one but two, can I watch Silence of the Lambs?”  I considered two factors.  First, he needed a big incentive and chose this one juicy reward himself, which carried extra value because it was forbidden.  Second, time had passed; he was 11 not five.  The buzz was gone.  He would be seeing it at home, not on a big screen in a dark theater.  I agreed, thinking Boy, this better work. 
  
  Sure enough, on the next report card, seven complaints dropped down to two.  Not zero, but the magical two we agreed on.  He got the movie and enjoyed every minute.  He thanked me and this is the best part:  Instead of saying it was child’s play that any five-year old could have handled, he said he could really see why I put the movie off limits originally.  I was impressed.  

• When Shevy was 12, she got excited to hear me dare her $10.00 for learning to swallow a pill with water.  If she could do it one time for a prize, she could do it forever.  The pricey challenge was meant to be enticing, but it was worth it with so many remedies in pill form.  Not taking pills was inconvenient, especially with my propensity for offering a mild vitamin C tablet for scratchy throats, congestion and minor ailments that called for a harmless placebo. 
   
  Even with the dare, Shevy had a hard time and found she still had to gulp the pill down to complete the process.  But she did it, she felt the accomplishment, and it only cost me $10.00. 

• Planning a vacation to Washington, DC, I got a question from Shevy, who was 10: “What are we going to see each day?”  A simple question, but I heard myself being assigned a thankless chore:  “Map out each day’s itinerary, so I know what we are doing.  Be social director.  Coordinate everything.”  So I suggested an assignment for her: “Why don’t you see what activities and sites you are interested in.  Figure two things a day for the three days we’ll be in DC.  Then get buy-in from your brothers, too.”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let the kids do some legwork, and everyone can be happy with the results. 

• If your kid hurts herself and looks to you for reassurance, tell her, “You’re okay,” if you think it’s true.  Especially if she panics, tell her she is okay. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids need reassurance, do not get fancy.  Lend them your ego by telling them they are okay. 
  
  This situation is identical to when you wake up from a bad dream and need your spouse’s clearer head to say you are okay.  It’s not patronizing—it’s stabilizing to hear the words. 
  
  There is a first-born syndrome that usually fades with a few kids.  The syndrome starts with two new parents obsessing over one overly studied little kid.  By the time the fourth one comes around, though, the scene is more like, “Sounded loud.  Is she bleeding?  Okay, then, tell her she’s okay and she’ll get over it.” 

• On using dark material to bright effect, I helped voice coach Linda P. of Piscataway, NJ, with her son’s reading level.  He was tested as reading three years below grade, so I suggested letting him read a racy classic if she was up to it.  Mind you she was very conservative.  The subject matter was guaranteed to keep a seventh-grader’s attention, to get him from cover to cover. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Some subject will keep your kid’s attention better than others. 
   
  Aside from reading those passages, absorbing that old-fashioned, florid language in context actually helps build vocabulary for college entry exams.  Yes, I am completely serious.  The idea was daring, but there was merit and Linda found a book.  It might have been that novel D.H. Lawrence wrote about Mrs. Chatterley. 
  
  Three months later, the kid finished the whole book, and his reading was retested.  He was now reading at grade level—a three-year pop in three months—and Linda felt it was worth the dues she and her husband had paid. 

Emphasize the Positive Over a Putdown

"You're So Sweet!"

• One morning, four-year old Shevy (short for Elisheva) came into the bedroom to snitch on her brother. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Discourage tattletales. 
  
  “Shevy, that is so sweet of you to tell us he misbehaved, but we are the parents and we will take care of it later.  You don’t have to tell.  If he hurts you, that’s different.  And if it’s unsafe, like not wearing a seatbelt in the car, go ahead and blab.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  In the end, do not make kids wrong for being who they are. 

• I just asked happy grandparents with a talkative two-year-old out at a restaurant if they had been strict when their own kids were two.  The woman said “No, like tightly wound springs, kids should not be pushed too hard or the results are not good.”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Kids are like springs.  Push down hard and they either push back or spring away entirely. 

•      Do your kids ever whine after you prepare dinner that they don’t want what you already made and are bringing to the table? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you are serving dinner and your kid says, “I don’t like it,” counter with, “Well, what would you like to have tomorrow night, and I’ll make it if I can?” 
  
  Isn’t that a little nicer than taking on the attitude, let alone the words, “I made it, eat it and shut up”?  Isn’t that a little more sensible than taking on the attitude, let alone the words, “I made it, but I can freeze it and start dinner again from scratch for you.”  

• I studied a neighbor, Helen R. of Highland Park, NJ, because she stayed calm with two mature teenage girls and three frisky, younger boys.  I remember my wife asking when we met Helen, “Do the girls baby-sit?”  Coming from a large family, Helen must have grown up watching some effective parenting.  As she needed to, she also picked up new tricks as she went along, which I then picked up from her. 
  
  Helen taught me to be very careful with my words when kids are in crisis.  Ever warn a seven-year-old about running in slippery ground, and they run, slip and scrape a knee?  As you attend to the scrape, you know you’re dying to say, “You ran and you slipped?”  However, that moment is delicate. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  At the time of anyone’s physical or psychic pain, it is artless and heartless to talk about who is at fault—literally adding insult to injury. 
  
  Wait and you can certainly address the connection later.  You do not want to be the parent who spanks a kid for running into traffic. 
  
  I had the chance many years later to use just this advice very seriously.  One morning at 3AM, I had to drive, not my son, but a neighbor’s, to the emergency room because of a badly cut finger.  He explained that the cut came from opening a beer bottle on a backyard rock, “But I opened the first 19 bottles safely.” 
  
  My reaction to such nonsense was silence, and I will say the teenager was quite brave in the hospital.  Next day, after we both got some sleep, I suggested he had been drinking too much or might have remembered that a bottle opener works better than a rock.  I didn’t know whether he could learn from the lesson then, but I knew that earlier would have been useless all around.  Come to think of it, it might not have been the neighbor’s son after all.  
   

•      Another point from Helen:  If you find you are always calling your kids to do things without getting their cooperation, you undoubtedly get frustrated when you reach that fifth time.  That would explain why you are yelling. 
  
  If you have ever heard a grandparent whine, “If I told you once, I told you a thousand times!” you have a classic example of wasted energy and loss of power.  Since it easier to look in on someone else’s problem than on our own, look how this example shows the parent without power who is whining about having no power—but you can regain that power.  No one will give it to you.  Just take it and give the kids a reason to listen. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Repeating yourself decreases your personal power. 
  
  To increase your power, try this efficient method instead:  Walk over to your kid and, for one and only one time, spell out what you want.  Now you can be sweet and serious. 
  
  Never conclude a kid hears you until you are face to face.  You will get results without shouting or useless repeating.  Better yet, kids cannot say, “I didn’t hear you calling me,” or, “I couldn’t tell what you wanted.”  It is by removing conflict that you increase serenity in your house.  Note that if you won’t do this—”Who am I, their servant, to have to tiptoe around their delicate disposition”—you’re full of hot air about wanting peace. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The promise of serenity is yours provided only that you actually want a peaceful home and civilized kids. 
  
  Since action speaks louder that lip service, wanting does not count unless put into action. 
   

•      Does it take supernatural powers or meditation to get to the calm? 
  
  If you want to change to more calm in your home, you can, and without turning yourself inside out.  Yes, you can get there from here.   
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You can introduce change without changing yourself very much.  You have only to talk a different talk. 
  
  But how?  If you are serious about a calm home, proceed by stepping back and stepping up. 

• Stepping back:  When you step back for a break in your perspective and look at your home situation, look as though from the outside.  Pretend you are someone else, but not a family member or a neighbor.  You, but even wiser and completely capable of taking over and settling the frontier.  What needs addressing, fixing, changing?  You’ll get the big picture, a clearer picture, and you’ll know the areas you want to concentrate on.  When you are ready, pick out a few ideas in this book that address the frontier you face.  Remember, you can realistically only change a little at a time. 

• Stepping up:  When you step up and do what you need to do, you will see results fast.  Immerse into the new mantle.  Keep it real, as people say, by making it your own—your own words, if you can find them.  

•      Kids are clumsy with their bodies and their words.  All the more reason for you to be extra kind with them.  They are still learning the ways of the world. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Expect kids to act their age—no more, no less. 
  
  Don’t blame a seven-year-old for acting a little like six, which she recently was.  Nevertheless, do not expect her to accept being treated like six, nor to act like eight until she turns eight next year. 
  
  So if you ever hear yourself saying, “A big girl doesn’t do that,” take yourself a giant step back and look at the girl you are condescending to.  If she were a big girl, you probably would not be talking to her that way.  If she is little, you are not complimenting her by saying she is big, you are in fact expecting something she cannot give you.  And since you know she is little, don’t expect her to act like anything but.  Either way it makes no sense, and you can stop.  
   

•      Although my longtime friend Danny S. of NY, NY has no kids himself, he was sensitive to a putdown he overheard:  An otherwise loving grandmother told her grandson of three to be ashamed of himself for throwing a toy in her living room. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Making a kid stop throwing a toy would make sense.  Taking the toy away might work.  Moving him to another room to play with the toy is what I would do each and every time he showed up in the living room with a hard toy. 
  
  Sadly, the boy’s otherwise loving mother agreed he should be ashamed.  Feeling shame at three needs encouragement?  Since the grandmother displays the most beautiful collectibles in that living room, who gave a toddler a hard toy to play with there?  If we need a guilty party to put down, we just found that party.  The issue needs correcting, not the three-year-old.  Perhaps he should know better at three?  Perhaps you should at 23. 
   

•      My father would have long conversations during synagogue services, while others frowned upon this behavior.  Unlike church services, quiet conversations are the rule not the exception in Orthodox synagogues.  When someone criticized him for the chitchat, he did not take it at face value and quiet down.  Instead he read the criticism as a request not to be left out and turned some of his conversation toward the critic.  And that settled that. 
   

•      I noticed my landlady used to complain about the smallest things when I would come or go.  Her tone made me want less interaction, that’s for sure.  Nonetheless, it occurred to me what she was really looking for was an excuse to have a conversation—any excuse.  Sure enough, when I increased the chitchat with her, the complaints shrank greatly.  
   

•      Your good and bad parenting will have a lifetime effect on your kid’s self esteem and relationship with you, long after childhood.  The effect of intimidating your kids can be chilling and heartbreaking. 
  
  When gifted young composer Mark Y. of Riverdale, NY, missed a rare opportunity to work as assistant to the renowned film arranger Carter Burwell, the reason was not that Mark did not get the offer.  After he applied, he didn’t feel up for it and so he took himself out of the running.  If he were not qualified, shouldn’t it have been up to his prospective employer to decide? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Give your kids the confidence to step up to the plate and either hit a home run or strike out bravely.  At worst, taking big chances will produce glorious failures. 
  
  Michael Jordan tried his hand at baseball, despite being warned it would be a mistake for a basketball player.  He said, “The only mistake would be not to try.” 
  
  As Mel Brooks said, “If you’re going to go up to the bell, ring it.” 
   

•      What do you do when a kid tells you to step off?  “Stop putting my coat on.  Mommy does it better.”  I just hated that stuff.  The spoiled brat mouthing off, arbitrarily controlling in intention and bossy in execution.  Please let the kid be no more than four.  Still, if you can step aside, go ahead and do it.  Kids need to feel they have some control, even if their manner is clumsy.  While rewarding bad behavior will beget more bad behavior, allowing for preferring a specific parent in a specific activity is more a matter of style. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  To teach a kid how to ask for the other parent—and for anything else of interest—model whatever words you prefer hearing:  “Want me to see if Mommy can help?  Just ask me softly.  Go ahead, ask.” 
  
  Another possibility is to ask what it is that the other parent does that makes it preferable.  And listen. 
  
  Anytime you would be willing to accommodate a kid’s request except that the moment is not practical, just explain that right now is bad but next time should be good. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell the truth, “I would if could, but I can’t so I won’t.  When she can, she will, but now is not the time.” 
  
  When one kid was a toddler and still getting a breast-feeding twice a day, he felt attached to his mother in a way that no one else could compare.  All I could do was wait for him to be able see me as pretty good to have around.  Took about two more years. 
   

•      I once visited an Adventist meeting that friends of mine attended, where they shared blessings of little events they took to be spiritually uplifting.  One member described circling the city streets for a half hour looking for parking where the group van could unload.  When he finally found a space, some other car swooped in and took it.  Now parking is a blessing? 
  
  He was no Pollyanna, but since a much more convenient spot soon opened up, he felt blessed for the silver lining.  His circle had a strong appreciation that life’s daily delights were a gift, as they saw everything, from the Creator.  Over time, this immersion with spiritual friends boosted my own spirituality in my own tradition.  
    

•      There is a story that the rebellious son of a great Rabbi, visiting his father’s deathbed, announced that he still did not believe in God at all.  His father responded in all seriousness, “Oh, my son, I am happy to hear you still think about God.”  
   

•     You think kids don’t remember what we say?  Midge W. of NY, NY was seven or eight when she told her mother she was thinking of learning the harp.  Her mother shot her a look and just said, “No, you don’t.”  It was clear her mother thought a harp was too big or expensive, but made it sound like it was Midge who didn’t really want it, when she did. 
  
  Go figure, but Midge remembers and grew up to become a name radio host for classical music in New York City. 
   

•      Don’t feed yourself negative messages, common as they may be:  “It never works for me,”  “Just when I needed it most,”  “Just my luck, it rained!”  “Wouldn’t you know it, traffic!”  “Out of all the days to schedule a fair, they had to run it today!”  “Birds always poop on my windshield right here in my line of sight and nowhere else!”  For the last remark, in fact, your line of sight is where it matters most, so you notice it most.  Since other spots matter less, you don’t notice them. 
  
  Negativity, however, is far from neutral—it is contagious.  Such comments are not only irrational, they are also destructive as models to your kids.  Keep your focus. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It’s not the heat—it’s the conversation.  Don’t dwell on the negative.
   Note that as a parent your negative comments send key messages about self-esteem that will go on to affect your kids. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t plant seeds of negativity in your kids.  Kids remember what parents say for a long time. 
   

•      Some things look better from afar, and the illusion is not due to your attitude.  Because of foreshortening from afar, the grass will always look greener over there.  From your lawn, your angle of your neighbor’s lawn compresses more green grass tops into your field of vision.  But looking straight down at your own lawn, you can see the bare spots.  The same can be said of your neighbor who’s looking down at her own lawn and admiring yours.  Guerilla Tip:  The grass is always greener there when you see only the green tops of their lawn. 
    

•      Grade school teacher Miriam M. of South Amboy, NJ would ask her third graders, “What is two times three?”  When a student answered incorrectly, “Nine,” she would validate the attempt instead of labeling the answer as wrong.  “Nine is the answer to three times three—good.  Remember that.  Now what is the answer to two times three?”  2x3=
  
  Notice that instead of saying no to the wrong answer, she sneaked in more math—efficiently doing what she was paid for and making the school day a positive experience.  Bravo, Miriam.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Turn learning into I-can-do-that moments.   Miriam did not punish bad behavior in class—She simply rewarded good behavior.  Nonetheless, parents came in angry that their kids were being punished.  Miriam admitted to them that she rewarded a kid’s special performance with a turn at sliding down a giant slide she had in the room.  However, parents were speechless when she said that good behavior got rewarded and bad behavior did not. 
  
  In fact, psychologists have found that punishing bad behavior does not help increase the good behavior we want at all.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Just reward good behavior and hope for the best. 
    

•      When my brother Mat was in the fourth grade, he wrote a report that said Abraham Lincoln was killed.  His teacher disagreed and criticized the report, saying the boy was “changing history.”  Since the president did not die of natural causes, is killed correct?  Incorrect? 
  
  The teacher said he was “changing history” because he should have written that Lincoln was assassinated.  The difference between killed and assassinated is a fine point that should not be lost on a college student, but can a 10 year old be expected to have such command of language?  The teacher lost an opportunity to teach with joy, “Technically, a special word is used here, assassinated.”  Attribute the comment to carelessness if you like, but he did not miss the opportunity to put my baby brother down harshly. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Ladies and gentlemen, as family leaders, as classroom leaders and just plain adults, we can do better.  Teach with kindness whenever you have the chance.  
   

•      We can always serve as bad examples to others willing to learn.  My mother remembered that her father could get so angry he would growl at her, “Get out of my sight.”  That meant he was warning her it was unsafe to be near him.  The jury is still out on whether that was kind or crazy talk.  That might have been his version of crying out for a little Time Out for himself. 
   

• Many good examples of bad leadership to avoid in parenting rear their heads in the relationship between boss and worker.  Abdoullah W. of Highland Park, NJ works for a busy pizza parlor and prepares eggplant parmigiano.  Coming from Alexandria, Egypt, he probably knows a thing or two about eggplant, and his method for peeling it involves a continuous spiral around the vegetable.  Accustomed to a different technique, his boss chastised him and instructed him to peel in parallel strips along the length of the eggplant.  The resentment that followed stems from several points, and the situation would not have felt like a putdown if:  there were the slightest reason explained for one method over the other, a favor was being asked, or there was any kindness in the request.  
   Onions?  They are to be cut unpeeled from the root end first rather than the top.  Again, if there was some need other than bullying for the method, no problem.  Perhaps the kitchen needed onions chopped more finely or more coarsely?  Not at all.  The results were not at issue, only the boss's preference that his technique should be used. 
  
  Sure, the worker is being paid for a job that is determined by the employer, not being loved and nurtured in the perfect, supportive family.  However, the lessons to be learned are that bullying is uncalled for with child or adult, and that a boss like Abdoullah's is on the verge of losing an experienced, valuable and otherwise loyal worker.