Emphasize the Positive Over a Putdown

"You're So Sweet!"

• One morning, four-year old Shevy (short for Elisheva) came into the bedroom to snitch on her brother. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Discourage tattletales. 
  
  “Shevy, that is so sweet of you to tell us he misbehaved, but we are the parents and we will take care of it later.  You don’t have to tell.  If he hurts you, that’s different.  And if it’s unsafe, like not wearing a seatbelt in the car, go ahead and blab.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  In the end, do not make kids wrong for being who they are. 

• I just asked happy grandparents with a talkative two-year-old out at a restaurant if they had been strict when their own kids were two.  The woman said “No, like tightly wound springs, kids should not be pushed too hard or the results are not good.”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Kids are like springs.  Push down hard and they either push back or spring away entirely. 

•      Do your kids ever whine after you prepare dinner that they don’t want what you already made and are bringing to the table? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you are serving dinner and your kid says, “I don’t like it,” counter with, “Well, what would you like to have tomorrow night, and I’ll make it if I can?” 
  
  Isn’t that a little nicer than taking on the attitude, let alone the words, “I made it, eat it and shut up”?  Isn’t that a little more sensible than taking on the attitude, let alone the words, “I made it, but I can freeze it and start dinner again from scratch for you.”  

• I studied a neighbor, Helen R. of Highland Park, NJ, because she stayed calm with two mature teenage girls and three frisky, younger boys.  I remember my wife asking when we met Helen, “Do the girls baby-sit?”  Coming from a large family, Helen must have grown up watching some effective parenting.  As she needed to, she also picked up new tricks as she went along, which I then picked up from her. 
  
  Helen taught me to be very careful with my words when kids are in crisis.  Ever warn a seven-year-old about running in slippery ground, and they run, slip and scrape a knee?  As you attend to the scrape, you know you’re dying to say, “You ran and you slipped?”  However, that moment is delicate. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  At the time of anyone’s physical or psychic pain, it is artless and heartless to talk about who is at fault—literally adding insult to injury. 
  
  Wait and you can certainly address the connection later.  You do not want to be the parent who spanks a kid for running into traffic. 
  
  I had the chance many years later to use just this advice very seriously.  One morning at 3AM, I had to drive, not my son, but a neighbor’s, to the emergency room because of a badly cut finger.  He explained that the cut came from opening a beer bottle on a backyard rock, “But I opened the first 19 bottles safely.” 
  
  My reaction to such nonsense was silence, and I will say the teenager was quite brave in the hospital.  Next day, after we both got some sleep, I suggested he had been drinking too much or might have remembered that a bottle opener works better than a rock.  I didn’t know whether he could learn from the lesson then, but I knew that earlier would have been useless all around.  Come to think of it, it might not have been the neighbor’s son after all.  
   

•      Another point from Helen:  If you find you are always calling your kids to do things without getting their cooperation, you undoubtedly get frustrated when you reach that fifth time.  That would explain why you are yelling. 
  
  If you have ever heard a grandparent whine, “If I told you once, I told you a thousand times!” you have a classic example of wasted energy and loss of power.  Since it easier to look in on someone else’s problem than on our own, look how this example shows the parent without power who is whining about having no power—but you can regain that power.  No one will give it to you.  Just take it and give the kids a reason to listen. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Repeating yourself decreases your personal power. 
  
  To increase your power, try this efficient method instead:  Walk over to your kid and, for one and only one time, spell out what you want.  Now you can be sweet and serious. 
  
  Never conclude a kid hears you until you are face to face.  You will get results without shouting or useless repeating.  Better yet, kids cannot say, “I didn’t hear you calling me,” or, “I couldn’t tell what you wanted.”  It is by removing conflict that you increase serenity in your house.  Note that if you won’t do this—”Who am I, their servant, to have to tiptoe around their delicate disposition”—you’re full of hot air about wanting peace. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The promise of serenity is yours provided only that you actually want a peaceful home and civilized kids. 
  
  Since action speaks louder that lip service, wanting does not count unless put into action. 
   

•      Does it take supernatural powers or meditation to get to the calm? 
  
  If you want to change to more calm in your home, you can, and without turning yourself inside out.  Yes, you can get there from here.   
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You can introduce change without changing yourself very much.  You have only to talk a different talk. 
  
  But how?  If you are serious about a calm home, proceed by stepping back and stepping up. 

• Stepping back:  When you step back for a break in your perspective and look at your home situation, look as though from the outside.  Pretend you are someone else, but not a family member or a neighbor.  You, but even wiser and completely capable of taking over and settling the frontier.  What needs addressing, fixing, changing?  You’ll get the big picture, a clearer picture, and you’ll know the areas you want to concentrate on.  When you are ready, pick out a few ideas in this book that address the frontier you face.  Remember, you can realistically only change a little at a time. 

• Stepping up:  When you step up and do what you need to do, you will see results fast.  Immerse into the new mantle.  Keep it real, as people say, by making it your own—your own words, if you can find them.  

•      Kids are clumsy with their bodies and their words.  All the more reason for you to be extra kind with them.  They are still learning the ways of the world. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Expect kids to act their age—no more, no less. 
  
  Don’t blame a seven-year-old for acting a little like six, which she recently was.  Nevertheless, do not expect her to accept being treated like six, nor to act like eight until she turns eight next year. 
  
  So if you ever hear yourself saying, “A big girl doesn’t do that,” take yourself a giant step back and look at the girl you are condescending to.  If she were a big girl, you probably would not be talking to her that way.  If she is little, you are not complimenting her by saying she is big, you are in fact expecting something she cannot give you.  And since you know she is little, don’t expect her to act like anything but.  Either way it makes no sense, and you can stop.  
   

•      Although my longtime friend Danny S. of NY, NY has no kids himself, he was sensitive to a putdown he overheard:  An otherwise loving grandmother told her grandson of three to be ashamed of himself for throwing a toy in her living room. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Making a kid stop throwing a toy would make sense.  Taking the toy away might work.  Moving him to another room to play with the toy is what I would do each and every time he showed up in the living room with a hard toy. 
  
  Sadly, the boy’s otherwise loving mother agreed he should be ashamed.  Feeling shame at three needs encouragement?  Since the grandmother displays the most beautiful collectibles in that living room, who gave a toddler a hard toy to play with there?  If we need a guilty party to put down, we just found that party.  The issue needs correcting, not the three-year-old.  Perhaps he should know better at three?  Perhaps you should at 23. 
   

•      My father would have long conversations during synagogue services, while others frowned upon this behavior.  Unlike church services, quiet conversations are the rule not the exception in Orthodox synagogues.  When someone criticized him for the chitchat, he did not take it at face value and quiet down.  Instead he read the criticism as a request not to be left out and turned some of his conversation toward the critic.  And that settled that. 
   

•      I noticed my landlady used to complain about the smallest things when I would come or go.  Her tone made me want less interaction, that’s for sure.  Nonetheless, it occurred to me what she was really looking for was an excuse to have a conversation—any excuse.  Sure enough, when I increased the chitchat with her, the complaints shrank greatly.  
   

•      Your good and bad parenting will have a lifetime effect on your kid’s self esteem and relationship with you, long after childhood.  The effect of intimidating your kids can be chilling and heartbreaking. 
  
  When gifted young composer Mark Y. of Riverdale, NY, missed a rare opportunity to work as assistant to the renowned film arranger Carter Burwell, the reason was not that Mark did not get the offer.  After he applied, he didn’t feel up for it and so he took himself out of the running.  If he were not qualified, shouldn’t it have been up to his prospective employer to decide? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Give your kids the confidence to step up to the plate and either hit a home run or strike out bravely.  At worst, taking big chances will produce glorious failures. 
  
  Michael Jordan tried his hand at baseball, despite being warned it would be a mistake for a basketball player.  He said, “The only mistake would be not to try.” 
  
  As Mel Brooks said, “If you’re going to go up to the bell, ring it.” 
   

•      What do you do when a kid tells you to step off?  “Stop putting my coat on.  Mommy does it better.”  I just hated that stuff.  The spoiled brat mouthing off, arbitrarily controlling in intention and bossy in execution.  Please let the kid be no more than four.  Still, if you can step aside, go ahead and do it.  Kids need to feel they have some control, even if their manner is clumsy.  While rewarding bad behavior will beget more bad behavior, allowing for preferring a specific parent in a specific activity is more a matter of style. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  To teach a kid how to ask for the other parent—and for anything else of interest—model whatever words you prefer hearing:  “Want me to see if Mommy can help?  Just ask me softly.  Go ahead, ask.” 
  
  Another possibility is to ask what it is that the other parent does that makes it preferable.  And listen. 
  
  Anytime you would be willing to accommodate a kid’s request except that the moment is not practical, just explain that right now is bad but next time should be good. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell the truth, “I would if could, but I can’t so I won’t.  When she can, she will, but now is not the time.” 
  
  When one kid was a toddler and still getting a breast-feeding twice a day, he felt attached to his mother in a way that no one else could compare.  All I could do was wait for him to be able see me as pretty good to have around.  Took about two more years. 
   

•      I once visited an Adventist meeting that friends of mine attended, where they shared blessings of little events they took to be spiritually uplifting.  One member described circling the city streets for a half hour looking for parking where the group van could unload.  When he finally found a space, some other car swooped in and took it.  Now parking is a blessing? 
  
  He was no Pollyanna, but since a much more convenient spot soon opened up, he felt blessed for the silver lining.  His circle had a strong appreciation that life’s daily delights were a gift, as they saw everything, from the Creator.  Over time, this immersion with spiritual friends boosted my own spirituality in my own tradition.  
    

•      There is a story that the rebellious son of a great Rabbi, visiting his father’s deathbed, announced that he still did not believe in God at all.  His father responded in all seriousness, “Oh, my son, I am happy to hear you still think about God.”  
   

•     You think kids don’t remember what we say?  Midge W. of NY, NY was seven or eight when she told her mother she was thinking of learning the harp.  Her mother shot her a look and just said, “No, you don’t.”  It was clear her mother thought a harp was too big or expensive, but made it sound like it was Midge who didn’t really want it, when she did. 
  
  Go figure, but Midge remembers and grew up to become a name radio host for classical music in New York City. 
   

•      Don’t feed yourself negative messages, common as they may be:  “It never works for me,”  “Just when I needed it most,”  “Just my luck, it rained!”  “Wouldn’t you know it, traffic!”  “Out of all the days to schedule a fair, they had to run it today!”  “Birds always poop on my windshield right here in my line of sight and nowhere else!”  For the last remark, in fact, your line of sight is where it matters most, so you notice it most.  Since other spots matter less, you don’t notice them. 
  
  Negativity, however, is far from neutral—it is contagious.  Such comments are not only irrational, they are also destructive as models to your kids.  Keep your focus. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It’s not the heat—it’s the conversation.  Don’t dwell on the negative.
   Note that as a parent your negative comments send key messages about self-esteem that will go on to affect your kids. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t plant seeds of negativity in your kids.  Kids remember what parents say for a long time. 
   

•      Some things look better from afar, and the illusion is not due to your attitude.  Because of foreshortening from afar, the grass will always look greener over there.  From your lawn, your angle of your neighbor’s lawn compresses more green grass tops into your field of vision.  But looking straight down at your own lawn, you can see the bare spots.  The same can be said of your neighbor who’s looking down at her own lawn and admiring yours.  Guerilla Tip:  The grass is always greener there when you see only the green tops of their lawn. 
    

•      Grade school teacher Miriam M. of South Amboy, NJ would ask her third graders, “What is two times three?”  When a student answered incorrectly, “Nine,” she would validate the attempt instead of labeling the answer as wrong.  “Nine is the answer to three times three—good.  Remember that.  Now what is the answer to two times three?”  2x3=
  
  Notice that instead of saying no to the wrong answer, she sneaked in more math—efficiently doing what she was paid for and making the school day a positive experience.  Bravo, Miriam.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Turn learning into I-can-do-that moments.   Miriam did not punish bad behavior in class—She simply rewarded good behavior.  Nonetheless, parents came in angry that their kids were being punished.  Miriam admitted to them that she rewarded a kid’s special performance with a turn at sliding down a giant slide she had in the room.  However, parents were speechless when she said that good behavior got rewarded and bad behavior did not. 
  
  In fact, psychologists have found that punishing bad behavior does not help increase the good behavior we want at all.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Just reward good behavior and hope for the best. 
    

•      When my brother Mat was in the fourth grade, he wrote a report that said Abraham Lincoln was killed.  His teacher disagreed and criticized the report, saying the boy was “changing history.”  Since the president did not die of natural causes, is killed correct?  Incorrect? 
  
  The teacher said he was “changing history” because he should have written that Lincoln was assassinated.  The difference between killed and assassinated is a fine point that should not be lost on a college student, but can a 10 year old be expected to have such command of language?  The teacher lost an opportunity to teach with joy, “Technically, a special word is used here, assassinated.”  Attribute the comment to carelessness if you like, but he did not miss the opportunity to put my baby brother down harshly. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Ladies and gentlemen, as family leaders, as classroom leaders and just plain adults, we can do better.  Teach with kindness whenever you have the chance.  
   

•      We can always serve as bad examples to others willing to learn.  My mother remembered that her father could get so angry he would growl at her, “Get out of my sight.”  That meant he was warning her it was unsafe to be near him.  The jury is still out on whether that was kind or crazy talk.  That might have been his version of crying out for a little Time Out for himself. 
   

• Many good examples of bad leadership to avoid in parenting rear their heads in the relationship between boss and worker.  Abdoullah W. of Highland Park, NJ works for a busy pizza parlor and prepares eggplant parmigiano.  Coming from Alexandria, Egypt, he probably knows a thing or two about eggplant, and his method for peeling it involves a continuous spiral around the vegetable.  Accustomed to a different technique, his boss chastised him and instructed him to peel in parallel strips along the length of the eggplant.  The resentment that followed stems from several points, and the situation would not have felt like a putdown if:  there were the slightest reason explained for one method over the other, a favor was being asked, or there was any kindness in the request.  
   Onions?  They are to be cut unpeeled from the root end first rather than the top.  Again, if there was some need other than bullying for the method, no problem.  Perhaps the kitchen needed onions chopped more finely or more coarsely?  Not at all.  The results were not at issue, only the boss's preference that his technique should be used. 
  
  Sure, the worker is being paid for a job that is determined by the employer, not being loved and nurtured in the perfect, supportive family.  However, the lessons to be learned are that bullying is uncalled for with child or adult, and that a boss like Abdoullah's is on the verge of losing an experienced, valuable and otherwise loyal worker.