- When the kids were about 5, 6 and 7, two movies struck me as way off limits: “New rule. Don’t even ask me to see Silence of the Lambs or American Pie. One is too dark for you and the other, too vulgar for me. Ever.” I said the subject would be closed, and that was that. I did not give much rationale, just “Don’t even ask.” A parent can do that.
Guerilla Tip: An occasional unexplained rule that looks arbitrary is accepted as a rarity.
- After years of glowing report cards for Alex tainted by a repeated complaint—too much blabbing and calling out—I asked him if there was some way he could bring this thing under control for good. “Seven teachers with the same complaint? You’re 11. What would it take to reduce it, maybe not to zero, but to one? You tell me.” While my pep talks had gotten no results, it seemed he might have the control needed to fix things if he wanted to enough. If he chose the carrot, maybe he would stick to the path that would get him there.
Guerilla Tip: Let kids decide what rewards will work.
Alex had an immediate answer: “If I can reduce it, not to one but two, can I watch Silence of the Lambs?” I considered two factors. First, he needed a big incentive and chose this one juicy reward himself, which carried extra value because it was forbidden. Second, time had passed; he was 11 not five. The buzz was gone. He would be seeing it at home, not on a big screen in a dark theater. I agreed, thinking Boy, this better work.
Sure enough, on the next report card, seven complaints dropped down to two. Not zero, but the magical two we agreed on. He got the movie and enjoyed every minute. He thanked me and this is the best part: Instead of saying it was child’s play that any five-year old could have handled, he said he could really see why I put the movie off limits originally. I was impressed.
- When Shevy was 12, she got excited to hear me dare her $10.00 for learning to swallow a pill with water. If she could do it one time for a prize, she could do it forever. The pricey challenge was meant to be enticing, but it was worth it with so many remedies in pill form. Not taking pills was inconvenient, especially with my propensity for offering a mild vitamin C tablet for scratchy throats, congestion and minor ailments that called for a harmless placebo.
Even with the dare, Shevy had a hard time and found she still had to gulp the pill down to complete the process. But she did it, she felt the accomplishment, and it only cost me $10.00.
Planning a vacation to Washington, DC, I got a question from Shevy, who was 10: “What are we going to see each day?” A simple question, but I heard myself being assigned a thankless chore: “Map out each day’s itinerary, so I know what we are doing. Be social director. Coordinate everything.” So I suggested an assignment for her: “Why don’t you see what activities and sites you are interested in. Figure two things a day for the three days we’ll be in DC. Then get buy-in from your brothers, too.”
Guerilla Tip: Let the kids do some legwork, and everyone can be happy with the results.
- If your kid hurts herself and looks to you for reassurance, tell her, “You’re okay,” if you think it’s true. Especially if she panics, tell her she is okay.
Guerilla Tip: When kids need reassurance, do not get fancy. Lend them your ego by telling them they are okay.
This situation is identical to when you wake up from a bad dream and need your spouse’s clearer head to say you are okay. It’s not patronizing—it’s stabilizing to hear the words.
There is a first-born syndrome that usually fades with a few kids. The syndrome starts with two new parents obsessing over one overly studied little kid. By the time the fourth one comes around, though, the scene is more like, “Sounded loud. Is she bleeding? Okay, then, tell her she’s okay and she’ll get over it.”
- On using dark material to bright effect, I helped voice coach Linda P. of Piscataway, NJ, with her son’s reading level. He was tested as reading three years below grade, so I suggested letting him read a racy classic if she was up to it. Mind you she was very conservative. The subject matter was guaranteed to keep a seventh-grader’s attention, to get him from cover to cover.
Guerilla Tip: Some subject will keep your kid’s attention better than others.
Aside from reading those passages, absorbing that old-fashioned, florid language in context actually helps build vocabulary for college entry exams. Yes, I am completely serious. The idea was daring, but there was merit and Linda found a book. It might have been that novel D.H. Lawrence wrote about Mrs. Chatterley.
Three months later, the kid finished the whole book, and his reading was retested. He was now reading at grade level—a three-year pop in three months—and Linda felt it was worth the dues she and her husband had paid.
No comments:
Post a Comment