Model Being Kind by Being Polite

“Is the Fish Homemade?”

Be loving, continued...

• Guerilla Tip:  Be polite and teach it early. 
   
  Never ever let the kids hear you use vulgar language that you do not want them to use.  If you do currently, start tapering off.  Watch what you say even on the phone in another room, when you refer to your mother-in-law or your ex, especially if the ex is parent to your kids.  After all, you cannot teach respect for the father and mother without teaching it as a unified lesson:  You cannot teach respect for the father while showing disrespect for the mother.  There were even the compliments dropped for the kids to overhear, “Rosey’s a great cook.  Better editor than I am, too.” 
   
  One time I picked eight-year-old Alex up from her house.  He was yelling at her for shoes left out of his overnight bag.  I waited until we were alone later to tell him that his mother was deserving of more respect.  He was never to yell at her like that for any reason.  Why she allowed it was beyond me, but that was her business. 
   
  It would have been just too perfect if Alex challenged my authority to rule on what was allowed in his mother’s home, on her watch.  Instead he just agreed, and I never mentioned that moment to her.  The authority that was there to draw on was my consistent lesson to my kids on honoring thy father and thy mother.  What I asked of my kids was a respect I was also demonstrating myself.  The dividends in that one lesson will show in the serenity of your home, too. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Build your own credibility early on by teaching the consistent message that kids must show respect for all adults, starting with both their mother and father. 
   
  Whenever my ex-wife would arrive to pick up the kids, I rushed them out because she was waiting.  Note this had nothing whatsoever to do with my own feelings for her.  I just knew that if I wanted the kids to hop when I am in a rush, I had to show that I expect them to hop for her, too. 

• As for teaching politeness, I heard Alex ask a hostess if a dish of gefilte fish was homemade, after she asked who wanted a portion.  I told him it’s not polite. 
  
  “But homemade tastes better.” 
  
  “Still you can’t ask.” 
  
  Then how could a kid find out politely if he wanted a serving of a dish?  We talked it over, such as asking for a small portion and deciding if you want more.  Another way is to say, “No, thank you,” and change your mind if the dish looks good when it shows up.  For five, he was not really being rude.  But the lesson had to begin that it is rude to ask if a hostess went to the trouble of making a dish herself or if she opened a jar.  Nothing compares to the taste of homemade, but what is important here, cuisine? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It is never too early to learn to consider people’s feelings.  The purpose of politeness is to be considerate. 
  
  It may sound like expecting a lot from a five year old, but that is how the lesson begins. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Any lesson is sure to take 50 gentle repetitions, so an early start means it can be learned by eight, not 18. 
  
  The Buddha said, “Be wise and fashion speech with your thought.”

• On vacation in Paris, we were guests of a local family.  A fresh fruit salad in a glass serving bowl was so tempting to Alex—now he was six—that he reached into the bowl for the last few berries, with his bare hands.  I just said, “Excuse me?” he said, “What?” and the hostess said, “It’s fine,” so he continued.  And I stopped him. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  No matter how gracious the hostess, parents still get to say “No hands in the serving bowl.”  Period.  Not for the sake of that hostess, but for kids to learn what flies and what doesn’t. 

• To continue in Paris, my kids asked for spaghetti with tomato sauce at a Parisian restaurant.  Really?  My parents’ voices played in my head, “We did not come to Paris for spaghetti.”  But the kids were on vacation, too, so if they wanted to order some comfort food, why lecture them on haute cuisine? 
  
  If your understanding of French standards for food is better than mine was, you guessed that the dish we were served was anything but humdrum.  It was freshly made and most delicious, and the kids continued to order it in Paris.  Everyone at peace. 
  
  A note is in order here about the infallible tradition and unquestioned standards of older generations.  Many of my mother’s dishes were very good.  Her mother was Romanian, and entrees were dipped in egg, then matzo meal, and sautéed in butter & onions for a dairy meal or in chicken fat & onions for meat.  But spaghetti sauce in my mother’s kitchen began with a ketchup bottle.  Really. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You are always free to rethink the infallible tradition and unquestioned standards of older generations. 

• Saying Oops 
  Last Friday night, entering synagogue for service, I couldn’t get in the doorway with a misplaced table and a boy of 11 or 12 standing in the way.  I tapped him on the shoulder several times as he made small attempts to give me an extra inch each time.  I still could not pass easily because of the furniture and finally whispered to the boy unfortunately exactly what I was thinking, “Would you get out of my way?”  As I was sorry for the words I allowed out of my mouth, he moved away and I walked in. 
  
  When service was over, I told the boy I was sorry if I was rough.  It would have been more honest to say I was rough, not if I was rough, but I thought it better not to define my words as rough unless he saw it that way.  As it turned out, he did not take it badly and just said it was okay.  I got off easy.  

• Saying Hello in Public when They Are Neither Kids Nor Adults 
  Pop quiz:  When you run into your teens at the mall with their friends, should you humiliate them by saying hello, or ignore them out of kindness? 
  
  Answer:  Both will get you into trouble.  Damned if you do, damned if you don’t?  Not at all.  You were brought up to know which is the polite standard, and that is the standard you will keep following.  Fearing your brat’s disapproval is not going to force you to abandon common courtesy.  Hello!  

• You may be thinking it is all a bit backwards here.  You may wonder about the overemphasis on how parents should treat kids with exquisite delicacy and honor.  You may be asking when this book is going to get around to telling the kids to honor thy father and thy mother, with traditions all the way from the Ten Commandments and on to the Bhagavad-Gita and Patanjali’s Aphorisms. 
  
  You will be glad to know that is all in the next book, because some writers cannot address everyone at once.  They are funny that way.  This book is addressed to parents, for parenting skills—it is right in the title, and so the focus is to speak to parents here.  The next book will certainly be telling the kids to treat you with great respect and to be forgiving of your flaws.  Instead of complaining that you are repeating stories which they heard before, they will tell you what my kids tell me, “You told us that story before and, yes, we remember it well.”  
   
  Just because there’ll be some changes made to the ways you deal with your kids, does not make you wrong in hindsight.  I will be sure to tell them.  A tentative title for the next book is currently under consideration:  

Handle Thy Father, Manage Thy Mother

And Stay Under the Darn Radar

• You think kids have it easy and we have the big struggles?  We all struggle, but kids have less power to choose how to handle things.  There are going to be many times when your kids cry over small things.  “My whole day is ruined,” four-year-old Salome H. of Highland Park, NJ said about a canceled play date. 
  
  You will want to tell them, “In ten years, you’ll laugh over this.”  Don’t.  That does not help at the time of hurt.  Listen a while, talk it out and ask them what they want to do. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids have a weighty moment, you cannot lighten it by deciding for them that it eventually will not amount to much.  Is all this therapy?  No, politeness. 
  
  My idea was to plan a shorter play date for Salome.  If you start with a short date, you can always throw in another 15 minutes if kids are playing nicely.  You know how easy it is to fall asleep when you are tired, but how hard it is to get kids to sleep when they are overtired or over-stimulated?  A long play date can be the same—too much of a good thing with no energy to spare for the graceful close. 
  
  Salome’s mother planned a one-hour date and also rehearsed her at accepting a no answer before going next door to ask for a play date.  When they rang the bell, they found that the neighbors were just going out, so it was not a good time for a play date right then.
  
  While it would also be so nice to report success for this experiment, we all know how much trial and error is at play.  Another day ruined and the tears flowed. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  After one disappointing experiment with a new technique, do not run for cover, but persevere.  Do not even refine your technique.  Give it a second or third shot as planned before going back to the drawing board. 

• Allow them to find their way. 
    Guerilla Tip:  Whether you are honoring differences in kids or adults, you have to do more than just appreciate the differences.  You have to feature your appreciation outright.  That is where the validation lies. 
  
  Expect little uniformity between any two humans, and show that you mean it.  Similarities, sure, but not uniformity.  Showing dignity for human variation plays heavily when it comes to cultural differences, too.  Acknowledge the worth of those differences even when you don’t understand them. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  When you come to understand the differences between kids, then you have it easy.  Before you do, you have the challenge of showing humility in the face of your own ignorance.  That is why God invented the poker face. 
  
  Tell your single friends to show grace with a poker face:  If your heart sinks when you first meet someone on a blind date, never allow your face to show it.  Smile with delight when you say hello, even if the smile feels like a lie.  Broadcasting open disappointment can crush your blind date.  While it may be honest, it is unkind and undeserved. 
  
  The Buddha said, “To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to your family, to bring peace to all, you must first discipline your own mind.  Control your mind to find the way to enlightenment, and wisdom will naturally come along.” 

• English writer Christopher Isherwood broadened modern understanding on the yoga aphorisms of Patanjali.  Any everyday conversation can have a spiritual base:  “Talking about God does not merely include the discussion of overtly ‘religious’ topics. 
  
  “Almost any topic, no matter how seemingly ‘worldly,’ can be considered in relation to the underlying spiritual reality.  It is not so much what we talk about, as how we talk about it, that matters.  Nor is it necessary to use such words as ‘God,’ ‘spirit,’ ‘prayer,’ etc., at all.  These would serve to alienate unsympathetic hearers and make them feel that we are setting ourselves apart from them on a pedestal of holiness.” 
  
  Isherwood concluded on behalf of Patanjali, “Remember that every human being is searching, however confusedly, for meaning in life and will welcome discussion of that meaning, provided that we can find a vocabulary which speaks to his or her condition.”  (How to Know God, 1981, page 147.)