“Yes actually, a dinner gift is expected.”
Isn’t etiquette a bit old hat?
Some of the minor rules of etiquette are outdated, yes. You have to be selective based on your own values, along with that of your community and culture. Remember, though, that the norms we call etiquette, while varying in the details, are there to guide us away from foolish behavior.
Wait for the next time you bring flowers or other hostess gift as a dinner guest. When the hostess says you shouldn’t have, delight her with, “I wanted to.” When the host says you didn’t have to, surprise him with, “That’s what makes it a gift.” You will now have brought more gifts than the flowers alone, and you may thank etiquette for it.
Guerilla Tip: If you prefer blunt logic, you can always respond to a host who says you shouldn’t have and didn’t have to with, “Yes, actually, it’s expected” and see if you ever get invited back.
Assuming you want better for your kids than acting the clumsy fool, teach them early about the norms of etiquette within your circles. Soon enough they’ll be on their own, but for now they are in training. Take on a little at a time without overdoing the finer points for the younger ones.
Guerilla Tip: As always, set your best example most of the time and apologize when you slip. You won’t be alone—you entire village is rooting for you and reinforcing the same lessons.
When you are talking to your kids about the polite forms of asking for a date or asking for a dance, use some old-fashioned good sense. This is traditional and it is still so right:
- Ask directly, “Would you like to meet for coffee or a soda?” or “Would you like to dance?”
Some polite answers we hope for are “Yes,” and even “No, thank you,” but we have no control over the answer.
- If we stay polite, there are limited responses to “No,” beyond “Thanks anyway,” but “Why not?” is not among them.
- So when you follow etiquette, you’re covered, right?
Yes, and you can still actually get to use your brain to expand on the rules.
Guerilla Tip: When you bring a baby gift to a home with a toddler who is old enough to envy that the baby gets it all, bring the toddler a token gift.
Otherwise, expect a blank stare when you ooh and aah, gushing, “Aren’t you a proud big sister to your new baby?” The toddler gift is symbolic. It could be as small as a single balloon you blow up together with her. If you think ahead enough to expect her to celebrate the blessed event, meet her at her level with a reason for her to celebrate. The new baby is not enough—it is a rival.
This idea applies to the age range of two to six—old enough to know when she is being ignored and young enough to be a baby about it. If unsure, bring the balloon or a bouncing ball.
- Isn’t etiquette full of tired, hollow formulas?
Guerilla Tip: The fact that a common greeting like How are you is formulaic does not make it insincere. You have to judge that by context and tone.
It may be worthless, but defining it as stupid by the fact that it’s a set formula is one-dimensional and also stupid.
When people ask how you are, with little interest in your long list of ailments, it does not mean they are not interested in you. That is a misread. Too literal and you miss the underlying thought: It makes me happy to see you, I wish you well, peace be with you. Greeting each other’s spiritual quality is the meaning of the Sanskrit Namaste, but it also underlies most any Hello.
As etiquette keeps the peace, so too must you pass it on down the generations, but wisely.
- Can’t there ever be exceptions?
When Daniel was 12 years old, we were visiting the home of good friends. During lunch, their 17-year-old son came storming in from a weekend teen getaway that ended prematurely for him. It was unclear whether he chose to leave early or not, and his mother was consoling him, but he was cranky because of his embarrassing treatment.
Since we were a captive audience, my attempt to soften the moment was to start asking a question. Daniel by my side quietly told me, “Shut up.”
Guerilla Tip: Never, ever allow a kid to tell you to shut up unless he found that one-in-a-million moment when it was on point.
My son’s instinct to stay out of the matter was better than mine, and he needed to get that message across to me quickly and sharply. Afterwards, I told him that he was right at that special moment, but was never to repeat that again. He did not. My challenge was to refrain from acting the divine moralist, feeling the sting of “Shut up,” and stay with the clear moral of not interfering with the teen’s humiliation.
- One time, I was toying with the playful ring of street talk, a phrase that sounded like fashizzel manizzel. Overhearing my slang, teenage Alex asked if I knew what it meant. I had no idea. It seemed to be slang for saying yes. Luckily, Alex was looking out for me and my next faux pas.
Meaning only respect for my innocent mistake, he warned me softly that buried in the phrase was a substitute for a bad word beginning with an ‘n’ like Nancy. That would be the last time that slang needed to come out of my mouth, even in play. Lucky for me, my kids knew they could speak up to protect me from myself.
Guerilla Tip: Let the kids know they can always speak up to protect each other and us.
