Do Not Do the Teacher’s Homework

"May I send a bit of housework over to school?”

• Guerilla Tip:  Never do homework for anyone else.  Period. 

    Three steps to clarify:  

1. Make sure the kid is making a serious effort in a quiet, regular spot. 
2. Make sure she knows how to do the assignment.  If not, and you know the subject, do one or two examples, then stop.  If neither of you knows what to do, write the teacher a sweet note saying so. 
3. Before you walk away, watch her do one on her own.  Then say, “Call out if you need me.”

• Listen, homework is something to support, though in school, it was painful drudgery for me to get through.  But it is work the teachers send home while you as a parent running a home do not get to send your chores to school, right?  You have no skin in the game in doing homework.  So, if a teacher sends homework home, that’s fine, but it’s not your work, it’s the school’s work assigned to your kid. 
  
  Helping with homework may even be hurting. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If a kid can do the homework but doesn’t, let the grades reflect that—the natural consequences will teach their own lesson.  If a kid cannot do the homework, the teacher needs that key information —do not withhold it with a cover-up. 
  
  If you do the homework the kid cannot do, that’s the cover-up.  Talk to other parents in the same class so you are generally on the same page about how much to help out. 
  
  I remember Daniel in fourth grade had a hard time with some homework.  After an hour, he was not done, but he had worked hard enough.  I wrote the teacher a note saying that although the assignment looked unfinished, since it took a full hour of work, the homework was done.  I added that if she would not accept that, I could be reached at work to discuss it.  She never called. 

• When Miriam M. of South Amboy, NJ taught kindergarten, she was required to assign homework.  While she may have questioned the wisdom at first, Miriam believes kindergarten is what first grade used to be.  And what is the purpose of homework for barely toilet-trained five and six year olds?  For one thing, it helps the parents who never got the hang of homework.  Now, with little at stake for them or the kids, there is homework to do that any parent can help with.  So homework in kindergarten is a matter of building good study habits. 
  
  In kindergarten and first grade, Miriam would use a technique very helpful for the shy ones.  Students would first pair up and she would ask a simple question with a yes or no answer.  Before answering, though, students would tell their partner their answer.  Now instead of the shy ones being brave enough to speak up, there were options: 

•      You get practice at remembering someone else’s answer. 
•      You get practice at saying someone else’s opinion. 
•      You can hear your own thought spoken out loud when you would have been too shy to say it out loud yourself. 
•      You can see that your thought carries some weight when it is voiced.

• Swami Rama of Bengal, India wrote that a teacher’s home life can carry over into blame in the classroom.  “...things like this can happen.  ‘Your child is so destructive; he does not know how to behave properly.’  Whenever you receive such a report, you should go and see if the teacher is behaving properly with the child.  Children are only children, and they should be treated properly.” 
  
  Sure, we want kids to respect teachers, but it is not a one-way street.  Justice Louis Brandeis wrote, “If we desire respect for the law, we must first make the law respectable.” 

• Setting it up with Schoolteachers
  Whenever I was talking with my kid’s teacher, I was advocating for my kid.  Let other parents do the same for theirs, and let the teacher do the best to balance it all for the whole class. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Identify your kid’s style and advocate for it.  Does your kid need to sit up front to hear better?  How would a teacher know unless you ask for it? 
  
  In advocating for my kid’s learning style, I asked teachers at the start of the year if they gave tests to find out what the kids learned or to catch them at what they missed.  They would say learned, so I would ask, “Then will you test a student orally, if that is the best way he shows what he learned?” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Teachers and kids must show respect for each other.  It is not a one-way street. 
  
  I used to complain to my parents about something the teachers did to me in class.  My parents would always ask what happened right before that, until it became clear there was a regular pattern of hearing me out while also supporting the teacher. 
  
  At a christening party for her 20th grandchild, Jane J. of Glen Rock, NJ, herself a mother of eight, confided that a big family means the older ones must help out with the youngest.  She said otherwise you have chaos, but she didn’t think she had a set, formal system.  Rather, she found ways of dealing with each kid in the way that kid needed.  In this style, the parenting gets individualized, while each kid gets consistency. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Expect the classic, “That’s not fair,” and prepare to counter with, “Sorry!”  The Talmud agrees, advising that each student is to be taught according to the pathway of learning that is his. 
  
  It is easy to recognize that so many students are visual, so classrooms are decorated vividly.  Can you also pick up that some students are more auditory?  Recognizing is seeing.  Picking up is hearing.  For other students, picking up is also action, movement, feeling, kinesthetic, experiential. 
  
  At home, tailoring how to convey education and love as best received is the highest art.  In the classroom, educators are well trained in the art, which is harder to stage due to the larger scale.  Yet, whoever said that teaching is not a performing art? 

• Is math is a writing skill?  I asked a fourth grade teacher if she could test Daniel’s math with an oral test, but she countered, “Math is a writing skill.”  In his sixth grade, I repeated that story to a math specialist who was really getting through to him.  This specialist said, “No, math is not is a writing skill.  It is a thinking skill sometimes represented in writing.”  In her array of powerful techniques, she handed students actual paper money to count—exciting for a 6^th grader—and occasionally allowed the student to keep a dollar—exciting for any student for its tangible novelty. 

• In the '80s and '90s, Harvard PhD Howard Gardner published a novel theory that we all are intelligent in many ways, and none are better than any other.  Eight different intelligences are included in his theory, which many educators and parents have found to be very practical.  Dr. Gardner’s multiple intelligences are:  Spatial, Linguistic, Logical-Mathematical, Musical, Kinesthetic, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal and Naturalist.  (Two other categories of intelligence that Gardner also looked at, existential and moral, he never granted the full status of the other categories.)  What is the advantage of so many categories?  The advantage is in appreciating the individual as an individual. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Individualize your approach to each kid.  You’ll be well compensated for your efforts. 
  
  Don’t worry, you’ll be paid, though not … exactly … in cash.  Well, it is cash, and while you can take it to the bank, you cannot take it to your regular bank.  What you can bank on is that your kid will gain a calm self-confidence and will eventually recognize that you were a contributor.  When you respect differences, you embrace individuality.  
  
  So, you pay the dues while the kid benefits.  Fair enough, because it is no one-way street.  You will feel wonderful.  In my tradition, we call it schepping naches:  bathing in the glow of how our kids turn out.  Parents naturally schep naches when the kids reach graduation (of some kind), show tenderness to others, start a business (of some kind), succeed in business, accomplish anything on their own, bring home the bacon (of some kind).  
   Honor your kid’s special style.  Honor your own understanding of your kid and what you know works for him.  Show him he deserves to be proud of just who he is.  Yes, we want our kids to work to please us, but not to worry that if they do not please they are not still loved immensely just as they are. 
  
  We used to say different strokes for different folks.  Honor those differences.  Creative?  Good, but not for an accountant, a euphemism for dishonesty.  The world needs a healthy mix.  We even need dishonest people, as shown in the following story. 
  
  Hasidic tale:  A rebbe turned down a beggar only to find the man died the same day with pockets full of money.  The rebbe said, “Be thankful for some dishonesty, for if every beggar were deserving, we would all be obligated to give whenever asked.  If we could never doubt his need, we could never turn him down.”

• When Alex entered high school, his placement exams allowed him to take AP Biology.  The advanced placement class was given by a highly regarded teacher named Dr. L.  In a non-science subject my daughter took, the same teacher had been reasonable, but in Biology he kept his students up nights doing his work and his alone. 
  
  In his session for ‘Back to School’ night, his standards were unusually high for ninth grade, and his demanding assignments were unrelenting.  Looking over the handouts with endless typed notes filling the narrow margins of every page, it struck me that the author was in his own world.  There were notes on the notes.  Material was badly disorganized like that of an absent-minded professor.  The usual focus that allows learning to take place was all a blur, but stellar results were expected. 
  
  Psychotic was the word that came to mind—just my impression.  The papers reminded me of the endless ranting on the packaging of Dr. Peppermint’s castile soap sold with health foods. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Be on the lookout for lack of focus, a big barrier to making intelligent decisions and allowing others personal space. 
   
  As for his demands, the teacher gave an example of a rich, very well thought out answer to a homework problem and said he would give such an answer no more that a grade of B.  If my son could handle it, more power to him, but it still would be an abuse of power that punished the wrong people. 
  
  The climax came when Dr. L. punctuated his toughness with the cliché, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?”  This clincher for justifying his tyranny brought a rousing yes from all parents but me.  They appeared to say, “I’m not powerless.  I’m not.  But God has arrived.  Finally someone outside our clueless home is taking charge, getting what he wants done without backtalk.  Now we see it, and it is good.”  So, real polite now, I asked the teacher, “In your opinion, is that conclusion an opinion or fact?”  Being an honest man, he admitted it was an opinion, but to the other parents in the room, it had all the cheap appeal of tough love.  Apparently, they couldn’t be tough, and where to find the love in all this is unclear. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Just because someone is doing what you think you should be doing does not mean he’s doing it well at all. 

     Although Alex was good in the sciences, his great interest was not biology, but law and politics.  A tough biology class could have been a good thing anyway, but he realized within a few weeks of class, a few weeks into high school, that the class was too much.  He transferred from AP Biology to Honors Biology, with a different teacher but the same textbook and got all A’s for the class. 

• It took me until my 40’s to recognize that I learn best experientially.  After many years of struggling to follow the classic advice to take written notes during a class, I found I was better off without them.  Watching and listening, I was already taking in a high-fidelity recording of the teacher’s whole presentation.  Not only were my written notes not strong enough to study from, but every moment spent concentrating on writing was a moment of interruption in the very good recording I was already taking with my eyes and ears. 
  
  Guerrilla Tip:  For me, paying attention was better than taking notes. 
  
  Picture two film critics—one who watches a movie and looks down to take notes, and one who watches once as a moviegoer and a second time as a critic.  Double viewings may sound like a slower process, but the second critic would be reporting on a movie experience much closer to the average viewer. 

• As far as following convention—Is it out-of-the-box?  What box?—I found as an adult that my study technique, while frowned-upon, worked very well for me.  When I study for complete understanding, not for general reading, I read to myself aloud in my head, which is fairly slow.  I could be doing it right now to see how this reads.  Although verboten, this technique is a guilty pleasure, and I absorb material in a single pass to such a degree that it comes close to memorized.  Apparently, the technique is both forbidden and efficient.  Live and learn. 

• Here is an example of learning in your own style.  By 10th grade, Daniel discovered two techniques that were to get him through the rest of high school:  Study with a classmate and listen in class.  The buddy system helped him stay on track, meaning more work got done because it was scheduled with a friend who was also there to study. 
  
  The listening helped because of being an auditory learner.  Most students are visual, so they get the most from reading an assignment at their own pace.  My son either had a hard time absorbing what he read, or he got so little out of reading his assignment that he skipped it and relied on listening instead.  He told me he personally figured out the trick below, and I could not disagree or break it to him that is unoriginal.  It was original to him when he found it worked. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Kids have discovered, “If you listen very carefully in class, the teacher tells you everything you need to know for the test.”  Adults call it paying attention. 
  
  Imagine how well a student takes ownership of such a technique, because when he experiences it personally, he recognizes its value to him. 

•      Facing Unfair School Grades
  Grades are not important by themselves, they are only indicators.  If you know the kids are doing A work and getting B’s occasionally, do not interfere.  Tell them you think the work deserves an A.  After you empathize with the frustration, teach them that life is not under our total control. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Start kids early, in 2^nd or 3^rd grade, with encouragement for them to ask their teacher for a private word if they have a concern. 
  
  If the grades are unusually off, schedule a meeting for the teacher to explain, and let the principal know you’re concerned—a euphemism for investigating a rip-off. 

•       In second grade, Alex told me a disturbing story about his arm being yanked really hard by his teacher, and I believed my son’s pain was real and uncalled for.  I phoned the teacher and repeated that my son “told me a disturbing story about his arm being yanked really hard.  Please, help me out here, any idea what he can be talking about?” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Instead of calling a cruel authoritarian a bully and liar, you can communicate by asking a question—or a counterfeit question. 
  
  The teacher said nothing could be further from the truth about the yanking, although she admitted she might have held Alex’s arm too tightly.  I was after bigger fish than a confession.  The roughness had to stop. 
  
  It made most sense to me to let her save face about it, as long as I got her commitment it would not happen in the future:  “So, good, good, then we both agree that the story I heard would have been over the line.  Okay, then, thank you.”  Reporting back to Alex showed him I got right in there for him without leaving the teacher any worse for the wear nor making her angry enough to retaliate against the whistleblower.  Everybody won. 

•       Teachers say, “If she only tried harder!”  Since that assessment can be made of everybody who breathes, it is empty advice.  It may well apply to my kid specifically, but I asked for the basis for the conclusion.  Can’t get an A?  If you only tried harder!  Can’t get a better job?  Can’t get to the top of a tall building without the elevator?  Same assessment goes. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you are told your kid needs to try harder, and maybe she does, try to agree but ask for an explanation:  “Oh, I see.  Why?” 

•       Ending a school year with a party is a good idea.  A graduation ceremony from kindergarten, though, takes away from the real achievement of graduating high school or college.  If each student in every class gets a trophy for showing up—a good thing in itself, to be sure—it dilutes the trophy as an award of achievement. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Finish kindergarten with a bang and later, finish high school with a graduation.  

•      Bullying is Insecurity
  A bully temporarily masks his personal powerlessness by showing a group that he is powerful and that the victim is the powerless one.  Note that an audience is almost always needed for the show.  Depriving the bully of his supportive audience sucks the energy out of his show. 
  
  A bully’s support system consists of two groups:  those who actively hold a victim down for the bully’s assault and those who passively watch without protecting the victim.
    
  Guerilla Tip:  Teach your school’s bullying program to remove the bully’s support system.

Harness the Power of Words

“May I have a 50% raise?”

Many of my ideas are language-based.  Not English, but the use of language to express.  At 20, Alex told me that—I had not even noticed it myself.  Language and the ideas represented by the words are closely tied. 

 

·   Example 1:  When the kids questioned a decision I made and asked why, where did you come up with that, how’s that fair? I had a ready answer. 

Guerilla Tip:  If they are asking you why, ask them why.  “Are you asking why so you can challenge me or so you can understand me?”

“If you are asking so you know how to challenge me, you don’t get an answer, sorry.  If you are asking so you can understand my thinking, I will tell you if that ends it, no backtalk, end of conversation.  Now, please tell me which you want, to challenge or to understand?”  Very powerful. 

Swami Satchidananda, founder of Integral Yoga Institute where I taught yoga classes, once introduced his talk to a large crowd by saying that he would answer questions later.  He pointed out that he was aware of two kinds of questions:  “There are questions when you want to know an answer, and there are questions when you want to know if the other person knows the answer.  I will answer both.” 

·   Example 2:  As a wordsmith, I try different ways when I want to say something important.  Say I want a raise at work.  I try a few approaches, worded different ways.  I learned, however, to give up if I am still struggling at my sixth try. 

Guerilla Tip:  If you cannot find the right wording, it may be that the idea itself is all wrong, not just the wording. 

If the raise I want is a 50% increase—been there, done that—it will likely take endless tries to find the right words to express my reasoning reasonably.  Because the goal itself—asking for 50% more—is not likely to be seen as reasonable.  Again, the words and the underlying meaning are closely tied. 

·   I did my best to be really clear with my kids.  Partly from that example, partly from their nature, they did the same with me.  When I said no to something but the kids insisted a bit, sometimes I would just say, “Cut it out.” 

Guerilla Tip:  Occasionally, you can hit them (it’s an expression) with this zinger, “Wait a minute.  Give me a chance to reconsider it, and I’ll get back to you on that.  Here it is:  No.” 

When my kids would say they were thirsty, what they wanted was something to drink, nothing more or less.  If we were away from home with no juice box or any beverage, I might say, “Here’s an apple,” meaning, no juice but something juicy.  They wouldn’t take the apple, because as they said, they were thirsty. 

Guerilla Tip:  It is actually a very good thing when kids know what they want and can express it. 

Still, they could have taken the apple. 

Yesterday, I saw a three year old on his toes, struggling in a men’s room.  He had a hard time reaching up to anything, so he asked his father to move in closer behind him—the boy wanted to step up on his father’s boots to be a little taller to reach.  A clever trick they probably used before, and good that the boy knew to ask. 

·   Daniel came home once and tried out a new phrase on his mother, a phrase he learned in nursery school.  She was not sure how best to handle it since the phrase sounded like “Shuddafuggup!”  I wanted to know if she had parsed the sentence for him, pinpointing the operative word.  She told me she was so stunned, she did not respond, which was excellent.  I said, “When he repeats it next, just say it’s rude language which we don’t allow and we don’t explain.” 

Guerilla Tip:  If you want bad language or fighting words to die the quickest death, give them no power.  That way, they will fade for the lack of care and feeding, dying naturally in their own time. 

·   You know that in the terrible two’s, from about a year and a half to five, kids feel their oats and will readily say no to any question asked? 

Guerilla Tip:  Craft your questions so the answer you are guaranteed to get is the answer you wanted anyway:  “It’s cold outside, do you want to be cold?  No?  Okay, take your jacket with you.” 

I often got, “I promise I won’t be cold!”  My answer:  “Fine, don’t put it on, but I insist you carry it to the car in case you change your mind.  It’s freezing outside.”  For this approach to work, though, you have to steel yourself for the 10 seconds it takes for the kid to step outside when it is icy cold and realize for herself that the jacket is worth bothering with.  During the 10-second period, childhood will obligate her to announce, “See, it is not so cold!”  Just tell her to hold the jacket anyway.  And wait. 

However, I got fewer no’s than other parents by setting it up before the terrible two’s arrived:  I avoided using the same old no for every old restriction. 

Guerilla Tip:  Instead of “No running,” try, “Slow down.” 

·   Instead of “No touching,” I said, “Hold this instead.” 

·   Instead of “No trampling Mrs. Bumblefolk’s flowers,” I insisted, “Hey, stay on the sidewalk.” 

·   Instead of “Don’t use your hands”:  “Whoa, the pan’s too hot.  Potholder’s right there.” 

·   Instead of “No yelling”:  “You’re yelling.” 

·   Instead of “Not allowed”:  “Stay safe,” or “I want you quiet now,” or “Leave that alone,” or “Give me one minute.” 

·   Instead of “Stop spitting”:  “Close your mouth.” 

·   Instead of “Never run with scissors”:  “Keep your hands free.” 

Guerilla Tip:  If you limit your conversation to a single, all-purpose catch-all like ‘no,’ expect your kids to do the same in spades.  If true for a two-letter word, double that for four-letter words. 

So many people live their lives on automatic.  “No this” and “no that” is mindless parenting.  Kids have limited vocabulary, so what we say better be simple.  Simple, but not the one-word sentence.  No is a reflex; expand on it and have a little conversation.  If you limit your kid’s vocabulary world to a black & white, yes & no, don’t be surprised when they see only black & white. 

·   Think the psychology of positive energy is just for kids?  In retail sales, there is a guideline of not saying no to a customer, but suggesting instead another benefit to offer.  So rather than saying you cannot extend a sale that already ended, you show the customer a similar item that just went on sale.  If necessary, you say, “I wish I could accommodate you otherwise.” 

·   Olga G. of Nanuet, NY used the most natural way to teach safety actively.  Instead of empty warning to her toddlers that a hot stove and oven are dangerous, she showed them.  She held their hand near enough to feel the heat and not enough to scare them, saying one word, “Hot!”  One lesson and they got it.  In that lesson, the oven served the role of trainer.  Also, the lesson reinforced trusting, by proving that when Mom says there is danger, there is. 

Guerilla Tip:  Lead the kids into wanting to avoid danger themselves, “Yes, I’ll be staying away from that one.” 

Just another reason to stay positive. 

·   When you focus on age appropriateness, you need to explain matters to kids in terms they can readily grasp.  At five, my sister Sheara asked about the biblical story of Dina, a violent story of rape and kidnap.  Our brother Rachim wondered how we could explain that to a preschooler.  I offered, “Somebody grabbed Dina, hugged her and kissed her, but she didn’t want it and she felt terrible.”  Done. 

One summer vacation, I was arranging to fly standby to the Mexican Yucatan with Shevy and Alex.  Dealing with the possibility that we would not get on the plane at all, Shevy asked why we had to go standby at all.  I told her standby tickets would save us a total of $600, but she gave me a blank stare.  After all, to a six year old, $600 is a big number, but how big?  I told her that $600 would buy ‘her’ 100 movie tickets at the time, and her eyes lit up.  That she got. 

·   At no more than four, Shevy told me more than once that she was afraid of having babies.  Maybe she heard there can be pain in childbirth, but it broke my heart to hear such a concern coming from someone so young.  Also, she thought when adults get married, kids automatically come along.  It killed me to say it, but I told her in terms she could hear that there is medicine for all of that—meaning that adults have ways to address carrying a baby and delivering one—which calmed her down. 

Guerilla Tip:  Not everyone is meant to have kids, and no one needs to be faulted. 

·   Shevy left me a phone message before she left for camp at 11.  “I wanted to say I love you, I’ll miss you and stuff like that.”  I never knew a word like ‘stuff’ could be a key word for me when spoken by an 11 year old. 

·   There is a big difference between “I need it,” and “I want it.”  While they want everything, they need only air, water and beans. 

Guerilla Tip:  Next time they insist they “Need it,” tell them, “You mean you want it.” 

·   Coming from an upbringing with excessive insistence on doing someone else’s will and performing it in exact ways, I make a special effort not to be so insistent with others. 

Taken to extremes, some people are fearful even to express an opinion.  Some waiters won’t say what’s good (“Everything!”) and won’t offer a suggestion (“Every taste is different.”)  No actually, some like soup with more or less salt, but not half salt.  Despite different tastes, critics write reviews because people do agree there are zones of success and failure. 

My workaround is asking what’s popular.  There’s a reason a dish is popular, probably the way it tastes.  So when I take friends to a place I know, it is not hard to point out, if asked, what dishes are my favorites.  Then it is up to them. 

Guerilla Tip:  If you don’t like your current situation, find a workaround.  Trust me, there is almost always a workaround. 

     Help kids deal with life’s frustrations by using words to say it out.  Sometimes, we are unexpectedly forced into playing a nurturing role when we are neither parent or therapist.  Like a skillful parent, you can give someone in a ‘state’ a chance to state her story—a simple fact, a disappointment, a wish. 

If an Alzheimer’s patient forgets that a spouse is dead and asks when he will be coming, there are many things you can say without lying that are more helpful than saying he is dead.  You can say he will not be coming today, and that is true as far as it goes.  You can recall what the couple used to do together, and that points to the good memories.  You can ask what would be wished for on a visit, and that allows the imagination to speak. 
  Guerilla Tip:  With kids, if a play date is called off, treat the moment seriously if the kid takes it that way.  Model how to use your words as you ask them to do the same. 

Forget that the moment is fleeting for you—it should be for most adults.  But when a kid feels frustrated, you get to teach how to handle frustration.  Start by agreeing that a cancellation is no fun, and perhaps the last play date had been a lot of fun. 

Guerilla Tip:  Be grateful when you are handed an opportunity to demonstrate adult skills in action.  To be clear, frustration tolerance is a big one. 

Here are three stepped options based on what you feel and how closely you can identify with the kid’s setback.  When you find yourself in one category, you will know how to proceed depending on how you as a particular parent feels—not how a theoretical one might feel.

1.    I would hate it myself—Admit it if you personally dislike a change of plans:  “I’m the same way; I just hate a change of plans.” 

2.    I might not care, but can imagine a kid would take it hard—If you would not react to personally dislike a change of plans not, say, “I can imagine you’re upset for the change of plans.  I can imagine it stinks.” 

3.    I can’t imagine why anyone would care, but my kid deserves validation for its importance to her—If you can’t even imagine what would be so upsetting, you can still rise to the occasion with the following home run:  “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I can see you’re upset.  Hang in there, I’m here.”

When things calm down, ask your kid if there is anything that could substitute for now. 

The question is how to play it honorably and helpfully, no matter how you feel.  There is absolutely no need to dishonor yourself with fancy lies.  No, you can honor the adult without twisting the moment or kidding yourself, all the while honoring your kid. 

Guerilla Tip:  Honor yourself and your kid. 

• Remembering and Forgetting

           I had two complementary agreements with my kids with regard to remembering each other’s ‘stories.’ 

•      I remember—If I started telling my kid an old story again, I would get a polite interruption, as I asked.  They would not roll their eyes, “Lord, here it come again,” or worse, humor me by letting me go until the end when I realize, by their lack of reaction at the punch line or moral of the story, that they have heard it all before.  Instead, a kid would say, “Oh, I remember.”  What a pleasure to hear instead of the usual alternatives. 

•      I don’t remember—If I forgot a detail of my kids’ school, social or work issue, I would just get a reminder.  No hint of “How could you forget?” or “My stuff’s not important to you?”  What a pleasure to hear instead of the usual alternatives. 

     Guerilla Tip:  Life is too full of remembering and forgetting each other's stories not to be respectful in this area.

 

Stick with Your Routine

“Bedtime is 1AM.”
  

•      At bedtime, there would always be a story to tell, a lullaby to I cannot stress enough how important it is to cultivate a routine that works for you and to allow for special exceptions at special times. 
  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Routine is very important to kids.  For different reasons, it also makes so much sense for parents, too. 
  
  
  My sister is a wonderful parent, yet she had a bedtime practice that just wouldn’t have worked for me.  When her kids were preschoolers, bedtime was 7PM sometimes, or maybe 1AM as needed.  Now, I can imagine an odd but successful schedule for preschoolers in which bedtime is 1AM every night.  Perhaps one parent is home nightly only 11PM on.  Then bedtime is 1AM.  Note that after the word bedtime comes is, not maybe.  There is no modifying adverb, and 1AM does not get modified either.  Routine again works in our favor. 
  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When you know what’s good, don’t get caught up with what’s natural.  Shakespeare’s work is not natural.  His man-made creations are loved because they are unnaturally good.  

•        As a kid, I had the worst time falling asleep, and I had nightmares to look forward to.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When a kid tells you she can’t fall asleep, be tender and supportive.  Tell her in your own words, “I am not asking you to sleep; I’m asking you to keep your eyes closed.  Give the Sandman a chance to find you, Honey.  See you in the morning.” 
  

   
  

•      At bedtime, there would always be a story to tell, a lullaby to sing or a combination of the two.  If kids couldn’t agree on one fairytale, they got a hybrid of two, say Cinderella and the Three Bears.  Fables about witches who oven-roasted her visitors were not my favorites.  If kids were not calm and quiet after one story, they did not get a further story time ritual, but they could watch me sitting in the hallway with my own reading.  That way they got some halfway company for a bit longer. 
  
  I hit upon a good formula for the perennial cycle kids have of asking for more water and more bathroom visits, then of provoking the inevitable fight about when it all ends.  Instead, I told the kids they could help themselves to water—”Too late for juice or milk”—and to the toilet, without asking.  Therefore, I took myself out of the loop of arguing when enough is enough. 
  
  Hearing five or 10 stories pales by comparison to a passionate, real-live action drama between parent and kid with tempers and nostrils flaring.  Adults have a name for such push and pull games. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A sweet bedtime cannot compete with a fiery one.  Water, okay.  Toilet, very good.  Engaging in drama at bedtime, no thank you.  

•      Dr. Benjamin Spock in his landmark guide of 1945, Baby and Child Care, advised feeding babies by the clock—regular feeding hours.  Dr. Spock was practical and calming to the new parent, he was an MD and parents followed his advice.  He also suggested watching digestion and demand, then using a little flexibility based on them. 
  
  By contrast, he warned that parents who normally worked days and slept nights but fed their baby completely on demand create their own difficulties.  “They have gotten the idea that the more they give up for the baby the better it is for the child, or that they have to prove they are good parents by ignoring their own convenience.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Giving up more for your baby does not by itself improve baby’s life or yours.  You can be a perfectly reasonable parent without ignoring your own needs, even your own convenience.  Keep it all in the mix. 
  
  Paradoxically, a page later he wrote, “If your baby is still asleep when one of these regular feeding hours comes around, you can wake her up.”  Whatever happened to letting sleeping dogs lie?  Wake a sleeping baby to honor a timetable?  Where is the flexibility here, and who is in charge, the clock?  Putting them to bed according to a routine does not imply waking them up for food. 
  
  Waking a baby reminds me of hospital staff who wake patients up recuperating from surgery to check their vital signs.  Granted I am no nurse, but sleeping soundly after surgery is more than a godsend for the patient, but its own vital sign that the healing is proceeding well.  Waking the patient up is by no means for the patient’s sake, but to cover the staff:  “He had a pulse when my shift began.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you are sitting by a relative’s bedside in the hospital and the staff hates you, you are doing an excellent job. 

•      Some kids are irresistibly drawn to fire.  Rather than give them ideas with the hollow “Don’t play with matches,” I looked for every chance to handle fire together with them.  What happened behind my back, of course, I did not know, but at least when we were together, I was supervising, lighting the oven safely and showing trust. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Trust your kid even if you were not raised on trust yourself. 
  
  One example of trust is that it was Daniel’s regular job to blow out the havdala candle signifying the end of the Sabbath.  That was an important honor for him because he knew I ‘got it,’ which means I got him, too. 
  
  “Don’t play with matches,” by the way, is heard by kids as “Don’t play with matches when you are near me.”  Co-worker Marge E., of Plainsboro, NJ, used to tell me she thought her mother was a witch for sensing whenever the kids had been playing with fire.  Together with friends, Marge would roast potatoes for an hour on an open fire in an empty city lot, and then come inside.  How did her mother ever know? 
  

•      My mother’s neighbor Linda M. of Jerusalem was mother of two, one a mildly retarded boy named Yair.  This may be my mistaken classification, but I had interactive conversations with Yair where he held his own simply but clearly. 
  
  When he was about 12, my mother told me that he came over to Linda during the silent prayer of Kedushah, and Linda gestured softly she could not talk to him just then.  My mother, who strongly identified with her selfless self-image, thought it was cruel to treat a retarded boy that way.  I had my silent take on things and apparently so did Linda. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Most kids can follow rules over time, and teaching them the ways of the world gently is the very best way to mainstream them all.  If it ever becomes clear that the lesson cannot be learned, it can always be dropped later. 
  
  For example, table manners are important to teach kids, including those with limitations.  So says writer Temple Grandin, who had her own ‘experiences’ coping with and compensating for Asperger syndrome. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The ideal is to mainstream every kid, starting from birth. 

Institute Your Own System

“You’re hurting my ears.”

• Guerilla Tip:  Pick low-hanging fruit. 
  
  They are easiest to reach, taste the same as any, give a fast sense of accomplishment and would only get in the way of reaching the rest.  A German saying:  He who likes cherries soon learns to climb. 
  
  There is an exception to the rule of picking low-hanging fruit.  Start on the hardest part of a project where mistakes cannot be covered, like chiseling a stone sculpture.  In painting with watercolors, it pays to start with a key area and to work from light colors to dark.  Since colors are transparent, mistakes are only repaired with a darker color. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  In projects where mistakes are hard to cover, start on the hardest part first.  If you mess up badly, you can restart with less time and effort lost than if you left it for last and then messed up. 
  
  Diplomats, all seasoned negotiators, take two different approaches with the hard-to-reach golden apple of solving a sensitive issue.  Usually they work their way up from the low-hanging fruit.  With those issues settled, everyone feels accomplished, warmed up to the other side and ready to go out on a limb. 
  
  Occasionally, diplomats start at the most sensitive issue.  Once they reach consensus on it, other issues are all easy picking.  And without the prizewinner, the rest of the crop may be worth little. 

• “Hold them close, then let them go,” is the parenting theme of clinical psychologist Haim Ginott. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Relating to the arc of the years of development requires ever-changing renewal on your part. 
  
  As the years pass starting at one, you will be holding them close less and less, while letting them go more and more.  As following this motto will garner you the best of both worlds, show your kids lots of love but don’t crush them. 
  
  Think of holding a bird in your hands and being gentle, patient and trusting.  Although you may want the bird to stay forever, you surely know that the tighter you hold, the more desperate you make it want to fly off and never return. 
  
  Zen Master Langya said, “Think of how trees let birds flock then fly off, without asking for their arrival nor aching for their return when they depart.  Keep your heart like the trees, and you will find your own grounding.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you stay one step ahead, you can shower them with love without either confining or controlling. 
  
  When Daniel was one year old, I planted tulips throughout October and November, keeping him securely strapped into a harness on my chest or my back, warm inside my jacket.  It made me think of the closeness babies must feel when they are carried around all day long in a papoose. 
  
  My time with my kids was priceless, but I did not make the moments overly precious by judging every activity through the fashionable lens of quality time.  Instead, it was perfectly normal for me to prune a crabapple tree while the kids were catching fireflies in jars.  The scene does not qualify as quality time, but it is family time nonetheless, and memories are made of little moments. 
  
  While I had precious little time with my kids, still, when they asked to go off to a birthday party, I said that was fine.  What was I going to do, say no to a birthday party? 

• To get things going in your home, or to overhaul an ineffective household, you need a system.  Not my system, but your very own system.
  
  Kids ask for the same bedtime story because the repeating pattern is comforting to them.  Give them comfort, too, in the form of your predictable system.  Then reshape your system artfully over the years as circumstances change and kids mature.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A system of house rules is a whole plan.  If rules change when you are tired, that is not a system, but a mess. 
  
  I love you for it, because you are as human as the next.  However, your kids will take advantage of it. 
  
  They will do so not because they are greedy and self-serving, although I would be hard pressed to disagree with you if it appears that way.  The bigger picture is that kids will rebel against absentee parenting.  They will generate consequences for you to face for your inaction.  Get real and take charge. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Lead poorly if you must, but lead, and when you goof, refine your system. 
  
  First admit that you are in charge, please.  Tell them so.  Apologize when you mishandle something, but never apologize for being in charge.  Focus your apology on the tone, “I want to say I’m sorry I snapped at you,” but back up the content if you can. 
  
  If you need to, check your lease or mortgage papers.  Whoever signed is at least one of the folks in charge.  Whoever did not sign, because minors cannot legally sign a binding agreement, is definitely not in charge. 
   

• Setting Imaginative Boundaries
  Create your own household rather than recreating someone else’s family.  If you stay within the bounds of responsibility and respect, or if you extend those bounds for reasons you trust, you can arrange things as you like.  Anything inside a thought-out system can be good, anything falling outside the plan needs scrutiny.  Any consistent way you want to arrange things is fine if you think it through.  You are free to inspire your kids, but never to cause any harm you cannot repair.  There’s no wrong way, and don’t be scared off by conventional wisdom, whatever that is, that argues against your system. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Advocate for the unconventional idea.  Convention can be a simplifying and comforting rule of order, but it no longer needs an advocate. 
  
  Setting boundaries for your kids creates constraints for them.  If well chosen, the constraints express love.  Far from a constraint for you, setting your boundaries means playing with parenting, and the sky’s the limit.  Have a blast.  If you have your head in the stars and your feet on the ground, you have the best of both worlds:  the spontaneous balanced with the practical, adventurer paired with CEO, warrior and priest, hunter and gatherer, English speaker out in the world and Hungarian speaker to your great-grandmother.

• One year, I worked as a restaurant manager and sometimes filled in as a waiter.  Occasionally, customers who knew me in my profession as a technical writer asked if it felt like a comedown to wait on tables.  I compared it to being a host, not a servant.  To be at someone’s service, graciously entertaining guests, is an enjoyable role and does not put you beneath them. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Serving warmly is not servile.  To serve our kids’ needs with tenderness is not to be their servant. 
  
  Pre-Columbian Mexicans believed even your grandchild is your beloved noble descendant, a jewel, a precious feather.  Then again, bonding with a grandchild could be a matter of uniting against a common enemy.  Note that the Aztecs practiced human sacrifice, which supplemented an otherwise low-protein diet, a whole new spin on serving warmly with tenderness. 
   

• Scenario One:  You have no system yet, you have a baby—You are very lucky to start fresh. 
  
  The new parent gets more advice on what to do than anyone else does.  My technique was to graciously thank folks for their ideas, mentally trash them—the advice, that is—then end the day by picking through the trash for those few bits I could keep and try. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When you get advice, this included, treat it like any other gift you receive.  After you say thank you politely, you are free at any time to use it or toss it away. 
  
  Practice expressing yourself generously with love and with rules.  Hold her a lot and pass her around freely—under your watchful eye, of course.  Kids of six or eight feel very proud when you can set them up safely in an armchair with the baby in their arms and say, “Good job.  She’s comfortable with you!”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When a baby yells out, instead of telling her no, start by asking, “What’s hurting you, honey, because you’re hurting my ears!” 
  
  “What’s hurting you, honey” is the love and compassion to find out what is really the problem.  As you explore the cause of the crying, you are soothing her with your reassuring voice.  “You’re hurtin’ my ears” is the start of a rule, “When you hurt my ears, I stop listening …”  Of course you know with a baby you won’t get results on the spot, you are rehearsing for saving your hearing in the coming years. 
  
  Then when is the right time to start toughening kids up to face the tough world out there?  You cannot always be there for them, to make nice, but toughness can still wait. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you ask a one-year-old to self-soothe, you might as well ask the kid to arrange for college tuition or at least change his own wet diaper. 
  
  A kid too young to dress himself at all or toilet himself at all can begin learning to comfort himself?  How do they do that?  What about feeding himself?  As long as you are helping at mealtimes you need to help soothe him at feel-bad times.  Parents and non-parents all know that while different cries can mean different things, it is not always possible to get to a crying kid.  But that is different from actively deciding to ignore a kid calling out for help. 
  
  Then there are the times of teething or fever when we hold and hold a kid and still provide very little comfort, but we are present. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Being present shows that you may not be all-powerful, but will be nearby with loyalty and will not give up easily.
  
  Besides, since a newborn has only one form of communication, crying, why would you ever want to train him that his cries will often fall on deaf ears?  Occasionally, yes, but often? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You must choose.  Your actions with a newborn will demonstrate either that this world is basically safe to rely on for our needs to be met or that it is basically not. 
  
  Either the people around us are basically reliable and trustworthy, with exceptions, or they are not, with exceptions. 
  
  The Buddha said, “A single candle can light a thousand and not shorten its own life.  Happiness never decreases because you share it.” 
   

• Scenario Two:  You have no system, you have a challenge—A challenge can still be fixed, one step at a time.  When you come up with each new idea, tell the kids that Mommy got new ears and her new ears don’t like to hear any shouting. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If your current system needs improvement, you have the luxury of taking some time to make it all better.  Even the rest of your life. 
  
  The good news is that all is not lost if you see you created your own mess—or challenge—because if you were strong enough to break it, you are strong enough to fix it.  This simple formulation will help you start over, and extreme makeovers are now all the rage. 
  
  On the other hand, if someone else made the mess, this book would make the perfect gift for them.  In the meantime, tell the kids that there’s news. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If the kids got a new Mommy, the kids have new rules to learn and follow, but you’ll be patient while they learn.  However, this new Mommy and her new ears don’t like to hear any shouting.  
    If it is new to you, here is the posture to try on to get them ready to listen and laugh.  Finding your own voice and using your own words, convey the following message: 

1. It is my business to make you want to listen.  Since you will hear me speak to you with respect, you will want to listen.  There is no forcing involved.  We can have fun with it.  You’ll see. 
2. If, instead, you don’t listen, there will be consequences.  Don’t wait for me to say, ‘Forgive me, but I may not have made myself clear you are over the line, which you are.’  You won’t hear me saying it.  You will see the consequences. 

• Work back from the results you want.   
   
  Guerilla Tip:  To start a new rule, begin by deciding what results you want, big or small, like no shouting without an emergency, and then generate consequences for the kids to face for their actions. 
  
  Good consequences for good actions and the little unpleasant sting of a mosquito bite for bad actions.  They will get it.  Disregard what is right and what is wrong in the larger sense, compared with what will be effective for your kid in your circumstance. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:   Make sure you do not punish or set consequences for some divine sense of justice in the world, but only those that will result directly in a change in future behavior. 
  
  Any other use of consequences is unnecessary and weakens your position.  Furthermore, why would any one human have charge of the justice in the world?  Do you see that job as vacant? 
  
  If you are lost, sometimes all you have to say is, “There will be consequences.”  Let them use their imagination, and you can then decide later what the consequences will amount to.  You will get plenty of chances to improve your new skills. 
  
  What will they get for shouting?  I liked Time Out—coming up next.
  

Invent New Rules As You Go Along

“This is my vacation, too.”

• 

  Changing techniques
  What techniques have you been using that do not produce the results you want?  Do you want to stick with them because you know them like an old worn-out shoe or because you gave up?  
  Perhaps you hope soon to get better results with the same techniques.  If you do, remember that is something Einstein himself defined unfavorably.  If you are striving for serenity instead, a change in techniques may reward you with better results. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If a change were called for, who would make that change, the kids? 
  
  If you are serious about switching from a bad technique to a good one, you must be willing to give up on the bad one even before replacing it.  Go on and fire that sucker. 
  
  Otherwise, you are keeping weeds in your lawn because at least they are green.  That would make sense only if you have more weeds than grass.  If true, why hold on to any of it?  Your home may need an entire overhaul, which comes highly recommended by Machiavelli.  He said that bad arrangements need big rearrangements, not a little weeding here and there.  His writings spoke extensively to remodeling leadership in government, but apply to leading better at home as well. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  As Machiavelli said, when a system is not working, the less you keep, the less of the bad remains.”
  
  Since so much in parenting is trial and error, a new rule may or may not work.  What you know for sure is the old rule failed.  That is proven, so you have nothing to lose by removing it without necessarily having a successful replacement.  This isn’t like climbing Everest. 
   

•      Improvising 
  With me, improvising is the jazz of living.  Kids, though, crave regularity.  During the process of divorce, I learned to formalize how I would run things on my turf.  What did my parents do well, what needed overhaul, what could I learn from other successful parents? 
  
  On the first of four days in Disneyworld, their insistent demands overwhelmed me.  Picture watching three growing kids by yourself in a rollicking ‘park.’  Next, take the sky ride together, dangling high above the park for a mile, and sit unbuckled in an open air car.  The horrible thought of jumping out or pushing someone out came over me and would not leave my head.  That fantasy, even with little worry of acting on it, was still upsetting.  A friend later gave me some comfort by confirming how frightening such a fantasy would be.  No wonder my nerves were shot. 
  
  I went to bed studying why I felt so harried, showed impatience and raised my voice.  A change was called for so my sanity had a healthy place to return to.  It seemed some new rules were in order, and my followers would have to follow my lead.  After all, who got us there, fed us and treated us?  But first, I had to think through what new rules and consequences I wanted—the keys to getting better results. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Always begin with the results you are after. 
  
  Next morning, I spelled out the big plan:  “You each get $10 a day on anything but caffeine sodas (at home, I gave them warm flavored milk I called children’s coffee.)  I will buy us one ice cream a day, so don’t spend on it.  You also lose twenty-five cents for anything I view as misbehavior.” 
  
  It worked the very next day.  Because of their different personal styles, Shevy and Alex held the daily $10 themselves, while Daniel felt it was safer in my hands and wisely asked me to hold it for him.  On the day after that, he wanted a wonderful $20 hat if I could extend him the $10 of the following day.  Since the hat was a very good choice, I agreed but warned him not to ask for even one extra quarter the next day, which he honored. 
  
  Over three days, only one quarter went missing because of misbehavior. 
   

• Limiting thumb sucking and pacifier
  It is hard to pinpoint it, but there is something annoying about seeing five-year-olds walk around with pacifiers.  Maybe it seems like the parent is not helping the kid mature past the suckling stage.  Maybe it isolates the kid, who cannot talk to other kids with that thing in the mouth.  And maybe it shuts the kid up so the parent is happy. 
  
  With my kids, Daniel was addicted to baby bottles of diluted apple juice, Shevy to her ‘passy’ and Alex to mother’s milk.  Somehow at three or four, Shevy bought my lines that “Pacifiers are for the house.  Leave it home so you can find it later,” and “Passies are for nap and bedtimes, only.  Leave it next to your pillow, so you can find it later.” 
   

• Toilet Training 
  Does your toilet-training kid say he does not need the toilet before heading out for a trip? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Before leaving home, tell them, “Okay, just sit or stand at the toilet with open pants and don’t do anything for five seconds, then we’ll go.”  They’ll go all right. 
   

• Interrupting 
  Ever see real parents or TV parents dismissed by their teenagers?  Sure, there are generation gaps that are hard to bridge.  Some of the problem originates from both sides.  When I sensed I was being dismissed, I let the kids know it did not work for me. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you come home and kids do not want you to interrupt them from playing or from watching TV long enough just to say hello, do just that.  Interrupt them. 
  
  Tell them you want a greeting when you come home.  Nothing fancy, “Hi, I’m in here on the computer,” is fine. 
   

• Taking Charge of Releasing Control 
  Judy P. of Highland Park, NJ confided the other day that her son grunts when she questions where he has been (Read, leave me alone.)  She wondered what I did when a 19-year-old doesn’t want to talk (Read, leave me alone.) 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If a 19-year-old wants to be left alone, leave him alone. 
  
  It is better to tell him you see he wants his privacy than to argue and lose.  Judy said she might try some version of “Sorry if I was prying” the next time he grunts an answer.  That comment replaces her resentment with an offer to give him what he craves—more space.  Again, 19, not nine.  Leaders say, “Find out where the crowd is heading and get in front.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Whenever we try to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine—like asking to be invited where we are unwanted—we have ourselves to blame when we end up whining for the lack of whiskey instead of enjoying the wine. 
   

• Reducing Fussiness 
  
  On the question of going only where we are invited, Roselyn B. of Edison, NJ used to invoke her grandmother, Bubbie.  Warm, wise and ladylike, she lived with the family until Roselyn was 18.  Bubbie believed you can simplify your life by not fretting over invitations. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Bubbie’s rule says go when you’re invited, don’t go when you’re not and don’t fuss either way. 
   

• Reducing Headaches 
  
  Does your head hurt when the kids ask endless questions, Why, Why, Why?
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Every new headache begets its own measure of correction.  If kids gives you a new headache, give them a new yardstick, “I need a break after the third Why.”
  
  Note that the yardstick does not wrong them for asking too many questions—you want to encourage curiosity in childhood.  The limitation is yours, and you should have no problem setting your limits, because you still want to head off the headache.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t settle for a bad deal, either.