Set Rules for Your Own Best Behavior

“That spicy movie was fun!” 

• If the underlying goals for the kids are think for yourselves and respect your elders, what about us?  Be loving.  No tough love, just love. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Be as reliable and consistent as you can.  
  
  Inconsistency, other than for a logical exception, is not loving and not a favor to anyone.  Either you have no backbone—stubbornness does not count—or you have created chaos instead of a regular pattern any kid can recognize and follow.  Consistency equals reliability, which is so empowering to a kid, it cannot be emphasized enough.  When your kid comes to believe in your reliability, she grows up to be reliable, because she sees how valuable it is and valued by others, too. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Be calm and set a good example.  Be patient while they learn.  Be kind as they make mistakes. 

• In yoga philosophy, people move between three common moods:  passive, aggressive and grounded.  These moods have corresponding names from their Sanskrit roots: tamasic, rajasic and sattvic. 

A.  There are times to be tamasic—lazy, crashed out, passive:  falling asleep, rising slowly, accepting nursing care without argument when you are sick.  In its place, the tamasic state can be a healing state. 

B.   There are times to be rajasic—commanding, demanding, type A, aggressive:  fighting for your life for real, protecting your family from danger, rushing someone to the hospital, removing anything that blocks your breathing.  In its place, the rajasic state can be a lifesaving state. 

C.   And there are the times, the whole rest of the day, to be sattvic— grounded, cheerful, balanced, clear-headed:  staying calm but sharp and energized, focusing singularly on one key activity at a time, being neither wired nor tired.  The more spiritual that people become, the more hours every day they remain sattvic. 

Advisable

In the botanic gardens of Port of Spain, Trinidad, black flies were coming in for a fierce landing on the lemon ices in my hand.  My comment to a local was, “Eat too slowly and the flies will have it all!”  With a poker face, she said, “Oh, they’re bees; still it’s not advisable.”  I followed her sattvic advice:  Just as she did not panic, I did not panic, but quickly finished the ices.  It’s a Caribbean thing. 

Guerilla Tip:  Like the wisdom to be gentle but firm, stay sattvic with your kids—Keep your eye on what’s important, be there, be strong, be solid and reliable, be kind, be tender, smile with delight, laugh with enthusiasm, love freely and let resentments fall away. 

• How do you load a dishwasher?  One wife regularly asked her husband to do more around the house and followed up by criticizing his attempts.  For example, she would rearrange the dishwasher after he loaded it, because she had her own way.  He told me he would follow her way if she explained it, but discarding his work looked like she did not want it.  To reduce domestic friction where his help was not helping, he dropped that chore.  He dropped other chores over time, too. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It is a dated concept that a woman should work a second shift after a day of work out of the house.  A woman is no more responsible for the home and its chores than a man is when both work out of the house. 
  
  On the other hand, if either one wants more chores or anything else from the other, encouragement works better than demands.  If you fire a worker, are you surprised when they do not show up for work?  Despite folk wisdom, there is no such thing as constructive criticism, no matter who is criticizing. 

• There are many times besides parenting when you must figure out for yourself whether you are in a situation of asking a favor or of asking for something owed.  When I was a young single, my teenage sister, Sheara, came over for dinner.  Afterwards I asked her to wash the dishes, but told her the dishes did not look that clean when she was done.  It was a sour moment since she had tried.  A wise friend helped analyze the problem. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You cannot reasonably ask for a favor and then criticize the results.  If there are special standards, explain them upfront.  If not, the phrase you are looking for is “Thank you.” 
  
  Was asking for dishwashing really a favor?  That question took me a while to wrestle with.  Unless my sister agreed beforehand that one would cook and the other would wash dishes, washing was a favor that deserved appreciation.  It was always an option to rewash the dishes again after she left. 

• There are many boundary issues out there, not just parent to kid.  Pushing a back pocket in for another adult rather than saying something about it is crossing a boundary.  I know because I have done it, and it is stupid. 
  Mistakenly following the model of my upbringing, I was interfering in more than one relationship.  Never bossy, I was controlling, something I hated but did not recognize when I did it to others.  As for granting others their space and not adjusting a pocket for an adult, or a kid over 6, I had some learning to do. 
  
  Remarkably, I just had to ask this question to a therapist:  “But if I honor boundaries—helping more by actively doing less—isn’t that a manipulation in itself?”  He said “No, not all.  But if you want to see it that way, go ahead.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Deliberately not interfering in someone else’s personal space is no manipulation, it is respect.  If it nonetheless feels like you are being love-stingy, remember you are helping your relationship. 
  
  Sometimes you have to play the card needed, not the one in your hand. 

• Guerilla Tip:  Teach good manners, starting with politeness. 
  
  With five kids, my parents had a full table, so kids could use any fork that was practical.  However, we didn’t ask someone to pass the salt if we could reach for it ourselves.  In that setting, not asking someone to pass the salt was considered better manners than asking, which was akin to asking to be served the salt that was sitting right there. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Focus on the results of your manners, not on the manners themselves. 
  
  It certainly was annoying to me when Daniel, at 14, showed up at 4PM for a 1PM lunch on the Sabbath.  By tradition, a Sabbath meal is served in many leisurely courses, all prepared in advance and kept warm on the stove. 
  
  Late as he was, he still brought in two friends and they expected to be fed, God bless the hungry teenagers.  Other than the delicious satisfaction of letting my son have it for his lateness, discourtesy and selfishness, what would have been gained by getting it off my chest? 
  
  With the other kids and our guests finished with the meal but still at the table, I politely told Daniel, “Food’s back on the stove for you.  Help yourselves.”  Sure enough, they knew they had gotten off easy or you know they would never have volunteered to bus their own dishes into the sink.  Yes, of course I let them. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Unless you want to rule by bullying, you cannot shoot when panicked, and certainly not from the hip. 
  
  To be effective, you need to be disciplined.  No shooting off your mouth every time you're tempted.  A display of self control is a wonderful way to tend your garden.  Anyway, to plant a tree, you have to dig some kind of hole.  So make your moves count by making them studied.  A little planning for a nice reward, or careful planting for a huge harvest. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The results of good manners are never guaranteed, but there has to be something to reaping what you sow.  Even if not, who would then prefer to sow anger? 

• Years ago, World War II survivor Reverend Joe Ben David led a weekly discussion group focused on sharpening each participant’s self awareness.  Doris, ever hostile, walked in late one evening wearing a print dress of miniature flowers, and Joe remarked, “Doris, your dress reminds me of moss.”  “Thanks a lot,” was the best Doris could do.  “Do you know what moss symbolizes for me?”  “Sounds rotten,” she countered, “This I have to hear.”  Joe explained, “As a kid in the war, I was imprisoned with my family in a labor camp on Cyprus.  Hot and dry.  All the things I could dream about when we were starving and thirsty—moisture, softness and the relief to roam the cool woodlands of my Carpathian mountains—were embodied in moss.  Moss symbolizes that for me.”  Doris then understood the complement. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Pause to hear where a kid, or anyone, is coming from.  After that, understanding comes almost automatically.  

• No matter what you do for your kids, you cannot guarantee they will want to spend time with you as they grow up and leave home.  You can, though, act in ways that will guarantee the opposite.  If my kids asked me to get down and play some idiotic game on the floor, even though the game did not interest me, it was not good to say no.  Not for me and not for the kids—for our long-term relationship. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t be the killjoy to tell kids their taste is bad. 
  
  At seven, I regularly enjoyed some foolish TV comedy shows.  My mother popped my balloon by explaining the structure of the situation comedy:  Every episode creates a small problem and resolves itself within the half hour, hero intact.  Well, that took the joy out of any suspense of watching those shows. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Why shouldn’t a kid have peace in the simple pleasures that bring him joy? 
  
  Don’t criticize your kid’s taste.  Likewise, don’t be a Monday night quarter back and tell the owner of a purebred cat that there are so many unwanted kittens pining in shelters to adopt.  For what end?  If a friend is considering buying a fancy cat and is open to hearing a humane alternative, go right ahead.  Use your golden opportunity to be kind to animals and to humans at the very same exact time simultaneously.  Just check first by forming a question like, “Any chance you would also consider adopting a Domestic shorthair or a kitten from a shelter?”  See, cats are never mutts, they are Domestic shorthairs that came with the American pioneers. 
  
  After seeing a disappointing movie with my kids, it would have been easy and honest to say it was bad.  But why spoil what they liked by criticizing it?  Even after the silliest movies about girls and spices, I could always muster, “That was fun!” 
  
  Your opinion as parent carries a lot of weight and, therefore, validates or invalidates your kid’s self-esteem.  Even if you were the arbiter of good taste, are you asked to judge a kid’s fun? 

• When my kids asked why I didn’t like some TV comedy about ‘friendship,’ I confessed it was not much more than who was sleeping with whom.  Well, that comment helped the kids understand more than I wanted them to.  I thought they knew the plots were about sleeping around, while they thought plots were about who's dating whom.  So I was sorry I gave it away to 7-8-9 yr olds.  Since they had not realized it before that, it was a shame it came out of my mouth at all.  I was sorry I revealed such an adult spin on the plot lines of their show, since they had not gotten that so blatantly.  So we started watching it together, so I could get my commentary in. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Better to watch bad TV with your kids and put your spin on it than to leave them to their own devices. 
  
  Watching the shows, I could at least forward my agenda, not those of the TV producer or some school friends:  Be selective in who you date, beyond their looks; be honest in your dealings; don't keep unnecessary secrets from your friends.  These moments meant more than whether the show was repetitive and superficial—I was not. 
  
  Why let society take over where I should be in charge? 

• When I was 30 and changing careers, interviewers often asked about a college degree, and the interview would not have continued without the right answer.  However, it did not much matter about my specific major (math) or grades (poor), only having the right answer. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  What should kids study in college that will serve them well in life?  Any subject that interests them. 
  
  That interest will get them through four years better than the abstract concept of a useful career. 

• Traditionally, the Book of Psalms is attributed to King David.  In Psalm 15, David begins with a rhetorical question to the Lord, “Who will be worthy of your tent?” and responds, “Whoever can live on higher ground day to day.”  But exactly how do we keep the high ground in daily life, to remain spiritually worthy 'of your tent'? 
  
  Fortunately for us, David is at the ready with a rich recipe for living the truly good life, conveniently formed into a modern bulleted list. 
  
  Here is David’s 12-step program for living the spiritual life every day: 
  

David’s Rules for your Own Best Behavior	David’s Rules Applied to the Parent with High Ideals
Walk with purity.	Carry yourself as a role model for the purity you want for your kids.
Act justly.	Let your kids see that in your actions, beyond your words, you do the right thing by them and by others.
Speak your truth, especially to yourself.	Level with your kids—They can take it.
Watch what you say about others.	Set an example of not telling tales out of school.
Be a model neighbor.	Be a model neighbor as a role model for your kids.
Treat your family with dignity.	Never embarrass a kid, and apologize if you do.
Judge for yourself if praise is deserved or not.	Offer no empty praise.  Do not reward misbehavior.
Honor other humble seekers.	Honor kids for their pure vision.  Give credit where credit is due; not just for results, but for effort.  We are all trying.
Stand by your word at any cost.	Honor your commitments, even to kids.
Be scrupulous in your business dealings.	Don’t take advantage because kids are weaker.  Teach the value of money and fairness.
Nobody bribes you or buys you off to make dishonest decisions.	Nobody bribes you or buys you off to make dishonest decisions.
Build these activities into your daily life, and you will never falter for long.	Persevere and reap the rewards for yourself and the kids.

Twelve psalms after this 12-step program, the poet asks for daily help to live by his beliefs (27:4), “What I once asked of the Lord I now keep asking:  Let me live in the Lord’s house each day of my life.”  The poet is not asking for a quantity of years, but a quality of life in the moment day by day. 

Psalm 15 is timeless for its simplicity and tenderness.  The night after translating it by chance, I attended a friend’s funeral and was asked by chance to recite none other than Psalm 15.  This interpretation is dedicated to the memory of Jon Steel, Jr., who once phoned me to say I was too rough on my kids.  It is easier to see it from the outside. 

• Meditating in a holy atmosphere, that is the easy part.  Carrying that purity out into the daily world is where the real work begins. 
  
  Prayer in a temple and stillness at a waterfall are easy.  With or without words, the good feelings flow automatically.  A waterfall emits negative ions that produce a feeling of great physical calm.  This is more than just the awe of meeting nature where she lives. The immediacy of prayer is there at the Western Wall in Jerusalem, the Bahai Temples of Chicago and Haifa, St. John the Divine and St. Vartans Greek Orthodox of NYC and the meditation rooms of ashrams like the Ananda Yoga Center of Monroe, NY.  And, forgive me, even in drab airport chapels, there is something there.  That is why the world’s popular holy places are so popular.  The spiritual feelings are served up on a silver platter.
  
  How about everyday life, with its bombardment of demands? That is where we need clarity of vision and serenity the most, especially as parents.  That is when it is the hardest to cut through to the still point of the examined life.  Do your best. 

• In a Sabbath-observing home, last minute doings are the norm before lighting candles on Friday night.  Since many activities cannot be done after that, rushing to do this and that was my regular habit.  Being cranky, not wanting to be interrupted, saying keep out of the way, issuing warnings to bother me later—all bad.  “Whatever you’re doing,” Shevy remarked at 10, “you’re doing to yourself.”  That really slowed me down.  Why prepare a nice meal for the family and be rude in the process?  What was the point of the hysterics and what was it doing to my relationship with the kids?  That was my key concern. 
  
  So, after Shevy interrupted my crankiness, my behavior changed.  Last minute chores dropped to one or two.  I delegated more by asking the kids to help me with specific tasks.  Or I asked softly to hold off on any long discussion until the candles were lit, as in “Let me concentrate on that in a few minutes.  Remind me, okay?”  Then, whatever did not get done would not matter any more, and my ears were back open for business. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Whenever you find yourself running around, check your reasoning.  Ask why.  Who made you?  For what purpose?