Don’t Drive it Underground—Ask

“You’re in deep doo-doo.  Now start talking, and I will do my best not to judge.”

•      At three years old, Daniel was playing with a bracelet at a gift shop during a vacation trip.  Maybe my supervising him was sloppy, but out he went with bracelet in hand.  The owner panicked, dropping words like stealing and police.  As a result, the bracelet got hidden.  More accusations. 
  
  Instead of scaring him, I bent down and asked if he would like a shiny quarter just for showing me where it was.  After he showed me the bracelet, he got the quarter.  The shopkeeper shifted her lecture to criticizing bribery as a parenting technique.  Offering a reward for a good deed is like a bribe for dishonesty?  Generally a bribe has to be paid up front, but a reward is paid as thanks when the job is done.  Anyway, a preschooler is supposed to play—a bracelet or coin will do. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Walking around with a toy is not stealing, and 25 cents is a cheap price to pay to avoid doing hard time in a foreign jail, even at three.   

•      I once asked Daniel at 11 what he usually did when he went over to Joey’s house.  Since he told me they watched TV and played video games (against house rules), I told him that was not allowed.  He shot back with, “You asked.”  In two words, he rearranged my parenting. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You want the truth?  Don’t whine when you get it. 
  
  Stay in the loop if you want to have any sort of influence.  And if you want in, don’t judge.  Judge and you get lies.   

•      Using the buddy system
  The younger the kids are, the stronger the schoolteachers impress on them the safety of the buddy system—pairing up, counting off, etc. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  While you have little control over whom your kids will choose as friends, the buddy system will keep them safer than flying solo. 
  
  I encouraged Daniel heavily to build the habit of the buddy system outside of school, outside the home and away from parental supervision.  I always imagined that he, the biggest risk taker of the three, got many benefits from the buddy system, because a buddy can…
  ●   Protect you and vice versa.
  ●   Help you when you are in trouble.
  ●   Call for help if you get hurt.
  ●   Tell you when you have a dangerous plan.
  ●   Tell you to go first when you have a dangerous plan.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A word in defense of friskiness—Often a worry to the parent, the risk taker is a much easier travel mate, because of the readiness to try new things, compared with the risk-averse.
   

•      I got a nasty call about Alex when he was 15.  A mother said she found her daughter’s bedroom door locked and pressured the girl into admitting to a private activity with my son.  Mom wouldn’t allow the two to see each other anymore. 
  
  I thanked her and said I was sorry there was an issue.  Certainly I was not ready to point any fingers without checking the facts myself.  No reason for me to apologize for her judgment that my son used her daughter as “target practice.” 
  
  I knew my son to be an angel, but promised to discuss it with him.  I added, though, that experimentation takes two.  If my son is off-limits, I said, the girl may find others. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  We should have learned from Prohibition that banning a craving forces it into hiding. 
  
  Driving it underground, when the activity is not going away, just produces deception.  Is that what we seek?  The mom was able to see that I might have had a point. 
  
  It gets better.  When I talked to Alex, he had some stipulations before talking.  I said, “You’re the one in deep doo-doo, now start talking.  I will listen and do my best not to judge.”  That is when I learned the teens had proceeded to another level, while the mom who cornered her daughter had guaranteed she would not get the full truth.  As promised, I just listened and did not say Bad-boy or Atta-boy.  That ship had sailed, and it felt like the wrong moment to give out rules.  My main focus remained to gather all the information I could, which required nerves of steel and zipped lips that did not judge.
  
  Since the two were both under 16 and agreeable to the moment, Alex did not think he had to hide or that he owed anyone an apology.  He read me right but I was very concerned.  I agreed but suggested, for the future, that sex belongs as part of a bigger relationship, not an end in itself.  He disagreed, so I offered for him to put it on the back burner and reconsider the usefulness of that idea at a later time.  We shook on it and it was over. 
  
  A last point.  Double standards may have been at play in how the two teens were treated.  Nonetheless, I stand by my position that if you come on too strong, you actively drive it underground.  You don’t get what you’re after, and not what you deserve as a parent.  You get less. 

•      With my upbringing, I was careful to accept the answers my kids gave me to questions I asked them.  I often got cross-examined by my mother, “Did you wash your hands for supper?  With soap?  Let me smell them.”  For years, that line of questioning kept me very busy making sounds of hand washing and soap sudsing without actually washing my hands.  You had to be there—it was a performing art. 
  
  “Did you touch the trashcan?  You probably did, and you’re showering again at home.”  After reading Berne’s Games People Play when I was 15, I would respond with, “I did not touch it, I caressed it.” 
  
  If you find it hard to pinpoint the problem with those series of questions, remember that if the parent asks a question, there has to be some trust in the answer.  If not, why ask? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You cannot ask for an answer and then check up to see if it is really true. 
  
  “Do you know what a back-handed compliment is?  Okay, then, what is it?”  If you need to know something so serious you cannot trust a kid’s answer, what is wrong with that?  Find out for yourself—do not first ask a kid.  If you find you often ask-and-argue, it could be hard to change.  Recognizing it as stupid is a good start.   

•      At eight, I was polishing my own shoes when my mother was outraged to discover my polishing included the entire soles of the shoes.  She told me never to do that again.  I think it had something to do with the pastel wall-to-wall carpet covering our house.  So in the future, I never did that again. 
  
  No, in the future, like the good boy I was, I was careful never to be caught doing that again.  Instead, I carefully dried the polished soles first before unlocking the bathroom door. 
  
  I imagine my compulsion to do a complete job could have been released if our talk was more open.  The balling out drove it underground.  Again, I took matters in my own hands because I had long given up on including my parents in my upbringing.  At eight. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It is bad enough that parents are often out of the loop.  Do not be the very one to push yourself out.   

•      “Tell me honestly” is often said by those who haven’t established the conditions for honesty.  Hence, they mouth the words and put the responsibility on the listener.  

•      Five years into my marriage, I tried a little pillow talk that another partner had taught me long before:  “See what you did to me?  Look what you’ve gone and done.  Now you’re gonna have to finish the job.”  Smiling, my wife would say, “Oh, good!” which ruined all the fun of the script.  I asked her for some resistance like, “No, don’t,” but the tug of war was not sweet to her, it was offensive from her vantage point. 
  
  Without her willingness to join my fantasy or meet me halfway, I was shut out of a harmless game for two.  To get along, I had to keep the dialogue unshared and underground—I played it silently to myself.  Still, I felt guilty for maintaining the game alone, because keeping her out of the loop was not my ideal for a relationship. 
  
  Later, I asked a Parisian friend about the scene I tried creating.  She thought it was not so much as darkly erotic, but sweet and romantic.  Different vantage points indeed. 
  

    

•      There is a story Swami Brahmananda Sarasvati tells of a mother who finds her nine-year-old boy smoking a cigarette.  How the mother reacts inside, we can easily imagine, but she simply asks if he smokes regularly. 
  
  “Never,” he says, “unless some alcohol is involved.”  Without commenting, she asks for more information about the drinking.  “I never drink,” he says, “unless I am ‘busy’ with one of my girlfriends.”  She continues softly to ask for more information.  He begins to sense an apology is in order, “I would have asked you to join us, but you’re busy, and it’s a long drive to the after-hours casino.” 
  
  The story ends.  However the mother would continue in this fictional story, though, it is clear that she would never have gotten as much research done without first asking about things openly and actually listening. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Ask for information without shame and actually listen to what you hear.  Never shut down the flow of honesty—or punish it—by reacting with shock, no matter how deserved.   

•      At 15, Daniel was tall and athletic.  He reported getting into movies rated R and buying tickets for friends.  What to do?  Recognizing that ship already sailed meant there was nothing for me to argue about, only understand.  “How do you pull that off?”  I wanted to learn.  Precisely because he recognized I was asking for information, not grilling him for apologies, he felt free to teach me his new ways:  “I don’t talk,” spoke volumes of self knowledge and self control, two elements of maturity that deserve great respect. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids come clean, reward their bravery with appreciation.  Let your face show it.  Let your voice say it, “Wow.” 
  
  Don’t ever let yourself be caught with the empty quest of “Darling, is there anything on your mind you want to tell me?”  There can be many reasons for not needing this classic, fruitless bit of inquisition—inquiry, that is:  If you set it up better over time, they would tell you; despite your curiosity, they don’t want to share; or there is nothing to share, so stop inventing issues. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Watch your investigative procedures.  It is rude to intrude.  And therefore fruitless.  

•      When Daniel was just over 18, it became clear there was a noticeable amount of beer in his world.  In the family, we shared one bottle of wine with dinners on Sabbath and Jewish holidays, but beer on an empty stomach was for partying.  Since his allowances seemed to go quickly, my question was whether he was spending it all on beer.  Also, how did he buy it since in New Jersey, it was 21 to buy alcohol? 
  
  Tall and also headstrong, he volunteered openly that his deal with friends was that he buys, they pay.  But how?  “I walk in like I own the place.”  What could I say but “I see,” if my goal was not to corner him, but to love him for who he was and stay in the loop even a bit?  He knew what he was doing.  Not that he deserved any compliments, but beyond his artifice of faking the drinking age, he used some art, along with the adult skill of planning out what works where.  Any fatherly sermon would have fallen on deaf ears and driven my son further away.  Pick your shots. 
  
  If you think my technique was not ideal, you got me there and are free to question it.  Keep in mind that my son was not easily influenced by those in position of authority.  My only concern was how to work with the material at hand.  If he was no pushover, nether was his father.  My approach, not justifying but only reporting, was that even if you cannot fix ‘it,’ you can still work it. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  As kids get older, listen more and say less.  If you held them close, this is when you let them go.  This is the life they are now creating for themselves.  

Offer Some Grace, Let 'Em Save Face

“One more minute and that’s it.”

•      Remembering how magnetic the TV screen was for me, I got the kids off to bed after their TV hour passed with a little trick—granting them a grace period. 
  
  Since an abrupt end to TV would be murder all around, I stood by the TV that should have been shut off and said, “One more minute and that’s it.”  I did not walk off and forget, but remained by the TV.  This tiny grace period made a huge difference in getting my results:  bedtime now and peace now.  No gruffness, no gotcha and no issue of whether they deserved any grace—I deserved it for myself and granted it all around.  Kids still had their moment of closure, saving face, winding it down and it all worked.  Simple works. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Imagine a landlord showing up for overdue rent, yet still offering a day of grace.
  
  Offered mercy, wouldn’t you be more inclined to go along if you could? 

•      In finding ways to model the respect we want to give and get, sometimes parents have to wait for the just right moment.  When Daniel was rough with Shevy, I would interfere to protect the weaker one and restore peace. 
  
  Then at bedtime, he always asked me to tuck him in.  It was the right moment to talk to him when he was calm.  My question was why he thought, not if he thought, he had played so rough.  If he said his sister deserved it, I disagreed, but at least we got the words out there that he might have been rough. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids defend their harsh actions as being deserved or provoked, point out that they just admitted their own actions were harsh. 
  
  Take your cue right there and explain, “Your sister’s actions are for me to address with her.  Right now let’s talk about how you acted—you can control that.”  The provocation part—she started—is a separate issue to address with the other party. 

•      When kids got into trouble and denied being responsible even a bit, it offended me, but invited me to calmly counter with my own math. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Ask them, “Could you admit to being 5% responsible?” 
  
  With such forgiving math, I could get an admission of 3%, better than the zero owned up to before that.  At least the 3% showed there was more to the story than the original one-sided story.
   

•      For a kid who is able to handle a task but afraid of it, give him some rehearsals.  
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Build up bravery by taking the kid’s hand for a ride.
  
  

   1.  When you notice a kid is not just hesitating but stuck at a task out of fear—unlocking the front door at six—offer a hand. 

  2.  Offer, “Want me to take you for a ride?  Put your hand on top of mine while I use the key.”  Offer the ride two or three different times. 

  3.  Change roles to ask, “Want to take me for a ride?  I’ll put my hand on top of yours while you use the key.”  Ask for the ride two or three different times. 

  4.  Now for the live performance, say, “Please use the key, my hands are full.  Good job, now you’ve got it.”  

       Good job, now you’ve got it. 
  

  
  

  Guerilla Tip:  Do not overdo praise for achievement.  You can spook a key moment by calling undo attention to it.  

•      Kid not talking much at two?  He gestures to an apple and expects you to deliver it as usual?  You may have been reading his mind, so he had no need for words, a very common first-kid syndrome.  Here are a few steps you can take to demonstrate the advantage of using words:   
  
  

  1.    The next time the kid gestures for an apple, say, “Apple.  Here’s an apple.”  In the Mister Rogers technique, you add, “Can you say apple?”  Expect no special results, but do this a few different times. 

  2.    After that, build in a little delay by playing dumb, “Apple?  You want an apple?  What is it?  Oh, here’s an apple.”  Do this a few different times. 

  3.    After that, you withhold a bit more and say, “You want something?  What is it?  An orange?  Oh, here’s an apple.”  Do this as often as you need to get results, but always hand over the apple before too long.  He should get it before he starts first grade.  

•      Think baby steps just are for a six-year-old?  Think again.  Shevy at 16 needed further practice for her driver’s license, but was knotted up.  The first road test had left her spirit broken, starting with fumbling to spray the windshield wipers.  The tester barked, “Then how’ll you wash it if there’s bird s**t?”  Startled by the foul language and tone, Shevy lost her confidence and was told in short order to pull over—she failed the road test and had to retake it. 
  
  Even though we practiced on quiet streets, Shevy soon became overwhelmed, so we stopped and talked.  Although it made sense to call it a day, I asked her first to get back into the driver seat and just turn the engine on, then off.  Like getting right back onto the horse that threw you, the goal was not to move her on to the next step, but to end the moment on a good note of success. 
  
  Later, a friend told me what techniques she used when she gave an adult driving practice.  Suzanne R. of Highland Park, NJ, said it was mostly a matter of getting many, many hours of off-road practice building the driving muscles with no fixed goal in mind.  And that is what Shevy and I did at Rutgers’ parking lots.  I drove us there and back.  She set the pace.  If she noticed another car parking or practicing driving, she stopped and we took a break.  It was hard not to say go get ‘em, girl, you can do it, but we just gave it time. 
  
  Luckily, Shevy was able to schedule the road test in Rahway, NJ, on an off-road course, with no surprises like strollers or trucks.  We drove there for an off-hours rehearsal, but a sign, ignored by others practicing there, warned that practicing was not allowed.  Why was it frowned upon, to give the nervous student confidence? 
  
  In the end, when she was good and ready in skills and confidence, she took the test and passed it.  

•      Modeling the words you want also works for gracefully correcting grammar, like when the kid says, “Daddy, I brung you a rock!”  All you have to say is, “You brought me a rock!  Thank you.” 
  
  My kids came up with all sorts of constructs:  Daniel’s ‘sicketating’ for sickening and ‘chudders’ for together (each other); Shevy’s ‘breckest’ for the morning meal; and Alex’s ‘alligator’ for the mechanism called a lift in London, and ‘plastic surgery’ for poking holes in the dining table’s clear disposable tablecloths. 
   

•      As a regular customer at a vegetarian restaurant in New York City, I became friends with the people who ran the place, a circle of Seventh Day Adventists.  Their gracious attitude was infectious.
   
  The menu had one price for filling a single plate at the lunch buffet, but there was an extra charge of one dollar for the all-you-can-eat deal.  The sign actually called it all-you-care-to-eat to reduce the heroism of piling food onto the plate and throwing most of it away.  Paying at the exit, newcomers often argued about the extra dollar.  Despite their many visits to the buffet table, they said they did not know they would be charged the extra dollar. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  In business, hard to follow prices cry out for mercy—and some changes.  In the home, hard to follow house rules cry out, too. 
  
  Instead of arguing with the customer, the cashier always accepted the lower price graciously, allowing that it is an easy mistake—the first time. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Valuing embarrassment as more serious than losing a dollar is a loving mitzvah, easy to spot and hard to perform each and every day. 
  
  Say you want a kid to try a new food at home or at a restaurant, like a crinkle-cut French fried potato when you usually serve straight fries.  First argument you might hear is, “I don’t like it.”  Here is a comeback that starts a graceful experiment, not an argument. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  All your favorite foods were once foods you never tried before.  It’s okay to try something new. 
  
  Assuming that gets you nowhere, you still do not have to shrink from selling your agenda.  Break down the steps you want, don’t look for instant success and accept where the kid draws a line. 
  
  Here is a fun riff you can tailor that is very effective if you are willing to say “Ah” each time you get cooperation and “Okay” whenever the cooperation ends:
  1.    Here’s a game—can you touch one fry with a finger? 2.    Can you pick it up in the air? 3.    Can you put the fry down and touch your lips? 4.    Can you taste something on your lips?
  5.    Can you bring one fry to your lips? 6.    Can you balance it on your tongue?
  
  Okay, you’re done.  Good job.  You like it?  Yeah, it’s very good.
   If this technique is new to you, it may look like the baby steps are a lot of work, but since it is so effective, you will be happy you tried it. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  All your favorite techniques were once techniques you never tried before.  It’s okay to try something new. 
  
  Okay, you’re done.  Good job.  You like it?  Yeah, it’s very good. 

•      A big part of modifying behavior is exposure to the challenge or the change.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If behavior is to change, the exposure to the change has to be experienced as safe.  And safety is retained by taking baby steps out of the comfort zone, not leaps. 
  
  Most kids can tolerate small changes; most cannot tolerate big changes.  So the key is keeping changes small, as perceived by the kid.    

• King David says that the right way is to have the grace to just give without fretting (Psalms 37:21).  Note that in the original, the word for giving is rhymed with grace, Vetzaddik chonen venoten.  David contrasts this generosity with the stinginess of not even repaying what you originally borrowed.
   

•      Like many boys, one of my sons at five would become so preoccupied playing with friends that he put off going to the bathroom.  When he starting pinching the crotch of his pants, though, his body language called for just such a visit.  “Do ya need the bathroom?” I would ask, but he would say no to keep on running around without end.  I persisted, “No? Just keeping it warm?...” to remind him that he certainly did need the bathroom and, if not, would be better off not making a public habit of that body language. 
  
  

Stay One Step Ahead

“When you miss your curfew, I will make it earlier.” 

•      At 10, Daniel was asking how late he could stay out on a weekend.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  To stay on top of things, stay one step ahead. 
  
  We agreed on 9PM, but with one warning:  “When you show up after nine o’clock by this clock, curfew will change next time.  I will decide how.”  He made it that time and every time.  What pleasure it gave me hearing him running up the stairs always two minutes early, no matter how late the curfew moved to over the years.
    

•      Daniel at about 12 had to wake up early for school one week but was not turning in early enough.  We discussed it and I warned, “You are getting old enough to help choose your bedtime, but when you have trouble waking up, next bedtime will be 15 minutes earlier to fix that.”  It did not look like he got enough sleep that night, but with that setup, he certainly woke up quickly the next morning! 
   

•      Hold kids accountable for their actions.  At the same time, hold yourself back from over-personalizing their mischief.  Say you left pets alone for the night and they got into mischief out of boredom or stress.  If you conclude they were punishing you for your lateness, there is the over-personalizing.  Your conclusion is a guess, it is all about you, and you have no idea if your guess is true. 
   Daniel always wanted to find out how things worked.  To find out, he often had to take things apart.  In other words, test how well they are held together by breaking them open and looking inside.  Get the picture?  Could have been destined for Quality Control. 
  
  It was not until after an expensive car repair on the passenger-side power window that it became clear how it broke.  With the motor repaired, the same kid was again pushing the window down hard while pressing the power button to raise it.  He wanted to see which was stronger.  Oh.  What he showed me was how the window motor had broken to begin with and what to tell him absolutely never to do again. 
  
  There was plenty of “It was an accident.”  Sure, fumbling with grandma’s crystal and dropping it is accidental, but getting your grubby fingers on it in the first place is not.  Step away from the crystal, please. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Holding kids accountable for their actions is a gift to their growing maturity and will simplify your life. 
  
  Making a mistake driving is an accident.  Making the mistake of driving drunk is negligent.  So, too, dropping grandma’s crystal is an accident, but picking up delicate crystal in the first place is negligent. 
  
  Proudly for us both, Daniel today works as the chef of a stylish restaurant.  So it must be true about breaking eggs to make an omelet. 
  

  
  

•      If your thinking is very different from mine, the idea of staying one step ahead may be foreign, easier said than done.  Here is a structure for staying a step ahead.  Skip this if you don’t need it. 
  
  Say you don’t like setting rules or your kids fight back so hard it doesn’t seem worth the struggle.  Then you know that if you start setting boundaries or making other changes, you will get pushback.  No surprise there.  That is a given and knowing it is going to help you. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  After you set down rule A and expect kiddie response B, you’ve got to come up with a smart step C at the ready.
  
  Step C is the natural consequence of getting step A wrong.  The trick is having next-step C prepared along with A, not as hard as it sounds. 
  
  You are the adult, so you are not surprised when kiddie response B hits.  It’s coming like clockwork.  Step-ahead C works as a pair with the core of what you ask for in A, and even colors it.  It all boils down to a one-two punch, with a polite moment in between for the kid to argue back, bless his soul. 
  
  Example: 
•      Step A—You give him permission to go to a party with a fixed curfew for returning home. 
•      Step B (his big comeback)—The party might not be over by then. 
•      Step C—Find your own voice to stay a step ahead …
  Recommended:  “Sorry.”
  “You’ll be fine.”
  “Go till 9 or not at all.  Your choice.”
  “Understandable, but 9PM is the latest we can do.”
  “Would 9:15 sharp help?  Do you want to straighten that bookcase now, and you can return at 9:30?”
  
  —Smile and stand your ground. 
  Less Recommended:  “So, three hours at the party’s not enough?  What’s your problem?” 
  “Why do you like parties anyway, not happy enough here?”
  “Party, huh?  Are any parents going to actually be home?”
  Are you arguing with me?  No backtalk.  Don’t question me!”
  
  —You are closing a deal, not picking a fight.
  See if you can get a refund, quickly:  “All right then, midnight, maybe.  But that’s it, okay?”
  “Party huh?  Beer, drugs, hooking up?  Yeah, great.”
  “You were always trouble, now you’re grounded for a month.”
  
  —You could be following better.  

•      If the kids were dressed up and sent them out to play, it was important to me to make extra sure to tell my boys to watch their clothes if I wanted to tell my daughter to watch her dress.  Or, my suggestion was to change so she could play freely.  Or, let them all to run and play, then deal with the consequences later.  Kids wore washable cotton anyway, right? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  What’s fair game for boys is fair game for girls, and vice versa.  Boys will be boys?  Bad behavior is not excused by a bumper sticker.  Although there are differences between any two people, I see few differences that are consistent between all boys and girls, all men and women.  The variations between male and female mostly seem learned, as differences in style.  If they are picked up from the environment, so be it, but it is not our place as parents to instill what society is busy doing all by itself. 
   

•      In the balance of nature and nurture, nature means you deal with what you’re dealt.  Nurture means you train and guide according to your goals—total silence at mealtimes, should you value that.  Not me.  But when you nurture, you still have to address the raw material at hand, thereby tailoring the strategy and tactics you use for each kid. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The same rules to achieve the same goals might not work for different kids due to differing constitutions.  Watch for those differences.