But don’t “Throw them in the deep end.”
- In nature, there are real consequences to many an action, consequences that do not vanish because we wish them away. So rather than mow down every obstacle for the kids, allow nature to take its course.
Be happy when kids recognize the natural consequences of their own actions. They crave it. That is why they throw pebbles into the water, to see how their little bodies can affect Mother Earth.
Guerilla Tip: Don’t fix every little problem either before or after it happens.
On the other hand, it horrified me to see parents use any variation of “Throw them in the deep end—sink or swim.” Never frighten a kid by deliberately putting him in over his head. But neither should you pretend there is no cause and effect, or that life does not have difficulties when the difficulties in fact show up.
Remember every cartoon character that popped right back up after being flattened by a rock or steamroller? That’s pretend, it’s entertainment, but real life has consequences. Let them flow.
Guerilla Tip: Use nature to your advantage by honoring the law of natural consequences.
When four-year-olds went off to nursery school forgetting their lunch, my goal was to make sure that didn’t happen again—by doing nothing. No special trip to drive the lunch over and make myself late for work. Because no one fixed the problem, but allowed for the natural consequences, the kids remembered their lunch real well the next day. No one had starved that day either. The teachers always had peanut butter and crackers as a fill in.
Naturally, if the forgotten item was medicine or reading glasses, that would have been a different issue, and a special trip would have been fair enough.
Guerilla Tip: Take a Zen attitude with a cue from nature. Sometimes it is best to let something be what it has to be without interference.
Nothing makes for a stronger lesson than learning the hard way. Again, do not deliberately play such a trick on kids to teach them a lesson, but neither should you come to their rescue so no rain is ever allowed to fall. The gardener plans and nature improvises.
- Years before I had kids, I learned a wonderful lesson in hands-off parenting from my neighbor Felipe L, of NY, NY but originally from El Salvador. Three months after his son, Christian, was born, the skull starting hardening. By closing prematurely, the skull was restricting his growing brain. We lived next to a teaching hospital, and, thanks to the right diagnosis for the boy, at six months he had successful surgery.
Growing up like any other toddler, he would also trip and fall in the apartment. Considering the medical history, it was doubly surprising to see Felipe did not ordinarily run and help him. We were close enough for me to ask him why he did nothing.
In my family, Felipe would be run out of town for not panicking, or children’s services would be called in. He explained that since he could see Christian was okay, there was no point in calling undue attention to a little fall. He deliberately ignored it. Specifically, he said that the toddler knew he was there for him and could either come over for a hug or call for help if it really hurt or he was scared.
That was all that was needed. There was nothing in the picture that had to do with machismo or toughening up a two year old.
Guerilla Tip: The best, clear-minded parenting allows a little rain to fall.
- When a traffic light is green for a long time, are you surprised when that stale green naturally turns red? Wouldn’t you agree the longer it stays green, the more likely it is to turn red soon? If you accept the law of natural consequence yourself, you can face the inevitable with serenity.
Also, just asking, would you speed up to catch a green light you see six blocks away? Or would you realize that the green you go through will naturally be any green other than that one?
- Don’t fight the inevitable.
- Don’t act surprised when rudeness begets rudeness.
- Don’t act surprised when you flip-flop on rules and the kids don’t take you seriously.
- Don’t face West early in the morning and await the sunrise.
- A friend who was taking me to a weekend lunch remarked, “I hope Esther won’t go so late.” When I asked how late the lunches usually went, “Four hours long,” the concern was understandable. However, I said, “Hoping it won’t go late when her lunches usually do will get you as much as hoping it will go extra late. Relax; it’ll go late.”
