Deal with Bigger Subjects, Bigger Kids

“My father beats me.”

• Rejecting Corporal Punishment
  Spanking fell from grace a long time ago, so it was time to find other means of communicating my displeasure.  Especially after Daniel told a school nurse that he could beat on a buddy because his father beats him.  That was not true, and I got a clean bill of health from a child psychologist who evaluated him.  But I cut out all physical punishment because it was time.  The psychologist discovered that the smallest pat on the behind was getting magnified in the kid’s mind, so it had to go.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  As yelling is a natural substitute for spanking, watch out for that one, too. 

• Handling Kisses from Strangers
  If they are strangers, tell them you know they mean well but they are making your kid uncomfortable.  Stand up for your kid’s personal space.  There will be many times your kid will have to do the same without you around. 
  
  If it is Auntie Esther thinking it is okay when it is obviously unwelcome, ask her to find another way to express her deep love. 
  
  When Daniel was in second grade, he told me he was embarrassed when I kissed him on school grounds or in front of his friends.  He thought he was too old for it, or maybe other boys weren’t getting kissed.  I told him my father kissed me, and I did not intend to stop.  However, I wanted to honor his discomfort and his asking openly and politely.  I offered to substitute a coded kiss in public for a kiss on the cheek.  He asked what that would be.  I had no idea.  I was hoping he had a suggestion.  I said we could wink an eye, and he bought that.  A wink is what it became for a number of years to come, until we could hug and kiss again in public. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A kiss can express love, not kissing can express it, and winking can, too. 

• Assigning Household Chores
  If you want to give them chores, great.  If they resist, give them a reason to go along, like, “I know you don’t I want to vacuum, and I don’t want to drive to the mall.  But please vacuum and I will drive you.  Deal?”  A business deal has to work for both parties or it won’t get repeated, that’s for sure.

• Setting up an Allowance
  Fix an agreement on what the allowance is and what you expect in return, perhaps a household chore or a restriction on how the money is used.  Then hold up your part of the bargain and expect the same for the allowancee.  Tell her like you mean it that you will cut allowance in the second week if she falls down on the job the first week.  No harshness involved—sticking to the announced consequences is giving your kid respect, the respect of holding her accountable for her actions. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If she does not deserve the respect of accountability, she is too young for an allowance. 
  
  For dealing with two-way expectations of money, see Invent New Rules As You Go.

• Getting Your Agenda out
   Sometimes driving with my kids, I would see laborers doing roadwork, sweating in the sun.  That is when I would get my agenda out to the kids:  “See how hard those guys are working?  Their boss is somewhere in an air-conditioned trailer.  Who’s wording harder?  And guess who’s getting paid more?”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell your kids, “Remember, when you grow up, you want to be the manager.” 

• Getting Dressed 
  As summer day camp turned into fall nursery school, four-year old Shevy kept insisting on wearing her sundresses.  That got old pretty fast as weather in New Jersey cools come September, and a loose, sleeveless cotton dress is just too light.  She wanted those dresses while more warmth was called for, so it was time for a compromise: A light cotton turtleneck first, then any sundress she wanted. 
  
  Looked ridiculous to me, but she got what she wanted and was still dressed for the season, a win-win all around.  The teachers wanted to know if she dressed herself—oh, yes she did.  Privately, a woman told me my daughter’s clothes didn’t really go together.  I already knew that. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let’s not be greedy about how many areas of their lives we get to control. 
  
  Even at two or three, kids want some control.  Even if they do not ask for it, increasing their self-direction is how we prepare them for the independent adults they must eventually become.  Give it to them in the form of choices you already know you can live with: “Red or blue sweater?” not “Would Daddy’s darling like to put on a coat before she runs out into the snow, or is it her preference to drink a six-pack for dinner?” 

• All winter, my mother liked keeping the house at a constant 75ºF, hot and very drying with a forced-air heating system.  Every morning for several winters, my throat was irritated and scratchy.  I would ask father to check for a sore throat, always hoping to stay home from school, which was painfully boring. 
  
  When he looked down my throat, he would usually say it looked red but asked if it felt bad enough to stay home from school.  In that area, he gave me some leeway in deciding on the school day.  Precisely because he made it no issue, no forcing, it was easy to say okay and go off to school.  It felt good to know I had some say in the matter. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Kids like to have some say in the matter. 

• Spending Money and Talking about the Value
  Shopping for food is a good time to talk about balancing good health with good taste, but also about money.  Talk about getting your money’s worth, sales and discounts. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Math practice is so much easier where it counts, and it is tangible in the market. 

• With a Bar of Chocolate, Breaking Up is Hard To Do
  When my kids had to go through the painful process of sharing—and no treat is ever so big that it is easy to share—my rule was that one divides it and the other chooses a piece.  With this construct, kids build up the most powerful geometry muscles.  They learn eye-hand coordination in dividing the oddest shapes into the most evenly equal pieces.  So much is at stake. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Math practice is so much easier where it counts, and it counts when you have to split a bar of chocolate. 

• Limiting Risky Access to the Internet and Beyond 
  How you get to the Internet, like Yahoo, varies.  But all web browsers let you limit what kids can see on the Internet—especially when you cannot supervise them.  For example, you can block violent sites from all connections or you can lock in different settings for each kid’s password. 
  
  Microsoft suggests four tips to protect kids online: 

• Blocking sites—Decide what sites a kid cannot go to.  Some browsers have Content Advisors that itemize ratings so you can block online “Depiction of alcohol; Depiction of weapon use.”  For better or worse, ratings are self-regulated.  Meaning that each website answers a checklist, which leaves room for interpretation. 

• Securing your computer—Prevent kids from downloading material either bad for them or bad for your computer.  Only you will do downloads. 

• Checking history—Check up on what sites they visited, long after the fact.  Use Internet settings to set online history to 14 days, giving you plenty of time to check.  While the list is easily deleted, tell your kids there will be no deleting.  With some browsers, Control‑H brings history right up. 

• Teaching personal safety—Insist that no kid ever gives a stranger a full name (nickname maybe), address, phone, personal photo or a meeting in private.  Ever.  Kids find it very hard to say no to strangers—though not to their parents.  With such identifying information, a stranger with an agenda has one foot in the door. 

Guerilla Tip:  If they balk at Internet limits, no problem, no Internet. 

Usually you can find Tools or Options that give you choices of Internet Settings you can switch on and off, and then Lock.  Let’s be clear that nothing is foolproof and nothing more valuable than talking to your kids about the things that concern you. 

Guerilla Tip:  Without being graphic to frighten a four-year-old, explain that some strangers break rules and deserve Time Out.  Some can play tricks on kids, even be selfish or cruel. 

I opened our front door to a stranger when I was alone at 12.  She insisted she was a census taker, and I finally caved.  My parents were furious when I told them, but a kid is almost powerless, at least at a disadvantage, against an insistent adult.  Hence the manipulative, “You have to help me find my lost puppy,” used by kidnappers.  Thank goodness the census taker was simply pushy at her job and no more. 

• Babysitters 
  Sitters are a gift from above, but you need to choose wisely.  If your kids generally accept sitters and tell you they didn’t like one particular sitter, that sitter does not return. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If there is a problem with someone who comes in contact with your kid, even if you cannot pinpoint it, trust your kid anyway that something is off. 
  
  No need to repeat it or wait for a pattern to emerge.  No need to fire or embarrass anyone—The contact with your kid ends.  Even if a sitter won’t read a bedtime story or sing a lullaby, that sitter can get lost.
  
  When a fellow worker, Manny R. of NY, NY, worried about a sitter, I asked if she was new.  Manny explained that since their four-year-old was born, he never had a sitter other than family.  That explained the concern about the sitter. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Do not wait until your kid is four to use a sitter and get out of the house for a little adult time.  A non-family sitter teaches the kids that the world is filled with many people who can also be trusted. 

• Taking the High Road, when the Low Road is Ugly—Divorce
  A breakup is unpleasant by its very nature, because if things were good, you would still be together.  If there is friction, it does not get better by itself, but you can rethink things and improve them.  To take the high road when things get rough, get some distance and take control of the tone of your current situation.  Ask yourself, “How do I want to remember the relationship?”  Naturally, blame won’t butter your parsnips. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You may have to begin looking at a failed relationship with a big one, mourning the dream that died—the dream that the relationship would last forever. 
  
  Turn the anger you feel now into pity for your ex’s limitations, and then eventually into prayers for the ex you once loved very deeply.  Send out positive energy if that is how you want to be surrounded.  If that sounds like wishful thing, well, will you get there by broadcasting a lot of negative energy?  Also, the kids will see an outstanding model, and you may even get something positive back from your ex … occasionally. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Remember, you are not obligated to say every stupid thing that comes to mind. 
  
  In Sayings of our Sages, rabbinic student Shimon Ben Zoma said, Ayzehu gibor, “Who is strongest?  Whoever triumphs over impulsiveness.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Self control—it’s an invaluable hidden asset both for yourself and in dealing with others. 
  
  Or so I have heard. 
  
  Be shrewd and draw boundaries.  Insist that all agreements be followed as written.  As seasoned schoolteachers know, you must start strict and you can soften later. 
  
  My schedule of seeing the kids was not bad:  twice a week for two-hour dinners, plus a Saturday or Sunday every weekend.  When on occasion I was asked to shift my 6:00-8:00 dinnertime to 7:00, I would say I was happy to do a favor by switching to a 7:00-9:00 slot, if that would help.  When I heard that 9:00 was too late to end, I asked if it was better then to leave it at 6:00-8:00 or to switch to another night of the week.  Those were the choices I would offer, not shortening my time to a rushed one-hour dinner.  Each choice involved doing a favor to be accommodating, but chopping off an hour of time with the kids was not okay with me.  I stood pat, and it worked. 
  
  It was Rochelle K. of Edison, NJ who called me each year for the Mother’s Day charity drive that delivered a festive breakfast basket.  At the first Mother’s Day that of my living elsewhere, Rochelle suggested continuing the annual donation as a model of respect—for the same mother—and for the kids to see me still standing by honoring father and mother.  Did it for years. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A Mother’s Day or Father’s Day contribution for the ex—smart and charitable. 
  
  Dr. Maurice E. of North Brunswick, NJ taught me that kids cannot express their needs as well as adults, but the parent by nature expresses what the kids need. 
  
  If, during the divorce process of structuring who sees the kids when, it was important for me to see them a certain amount of time, he said to trust that was the identical amount the kids needed, also.  For me, it was a matter of frequency.  A short visit with them to touch base every other day was okay, but every other weekend would not have worked. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  There is nothing wrong with asking yourself what you really want to do as a starting point. 
  
  When my kids asked me after divorce why my systems were different from their mother’s, what a perfect opportunity to take a cheap shot at my ex.  But the high road was a simpler explanation.  Imagine a response that can show respect and keep it simple at the same time! 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  “It’s confusing, I know.  Just follow my rules here, your mother’s rules there, and you’ve got it made!” 
  
  Last time that question came up. 

• Late in the divorce period, my lawyer arranged for a child psychologist to do a family evaluation.  After many meetings with many combinations of the family, Dr. C. of Lebanon, NJ drafted his assessment.  It said the mother was a perfectly fit parent, but that he had never met a more involved father in all his divorce cases.  His positive assessment prompted us to ask him to mediate our child custody agreement. 
  
  In a single mediation session, he found compromises that maximized the effective time we spent with the kids without overdoing the single parent mode, and minimized the standard insulting labels.  Primary custody—Isn’t a custodian like a superintendent of a building or a janitor?  Visiting parent—With the exception of parents whose visits are supervised, why does divorce demote 50% of parents to the tourist status of a visitor? 
  
  It took about a year before it hit me what the psychologist actually saw to earn me gold stars in his assessment.  It was during a game of tiddlywinks he asked us to play that I let the kids see me ‘cheating.’  Of course, it was a mock move meant to heighten the fun and not to cheat anyone in the true sense.  Not a good or bad thing in itself, but it demonstrated an authentic parent-child relationship, not one put on for show that might be too good to be true.  The psychologist could see by the squealing kids that this was not the first time they saw me pull that trick. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Even when your actions are under the microscope, you can trust that the truth will shine through. 

• My brother Rachim heard some grotesque talk from his girlfriend’s 16 year old, nonsense not directed towards him but still foolish.  When he reported back to the mother, who loved her teen and was very tender, she said, “She’s an idiot.  Don’t listen to anything she says.  She’s a teenager.”
   
  Translation:  “We’re not in transition; she is.  Let’s not swing with her mood swings or give her passing comments more weight than they deserve, which is very little.” 

• Knowing when to shoot your mouth off
  My father used to tell me a tale of his brother Sol who was wounded in action in the American offensive in Italy, WW II.  As an artist, Sol Baskin captured some of his war memories in a beautiful sketchbook called Blood on the Olives.  When he had his big meeting for his disability benefits, he met with a high-ranking officer in the army, say a Colonel.  The Colonel challenged him about his eligibility, though there was no question that half a stomach was gone as a result of military action. 
  
  As artists can be fiery, he did not react well.  Instead of letting the provocation pass, he blew up and told the Colonel off. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  As far as teaching kids how to sense when that special time arrives to shoot your mouth off, tell them never is too soon. 
  
  That one outburst cost him the long-term benefits he so deserved, but he was satisfied to be true to himself.  Sounds like the 60s, but it was the late 40’s.  Although my uncle did not regret the moment, my father regretted it for him and wanted me to learn from it—how to ruin a deal all by yourself. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  One wrong word deserved or not can keep costing you for a long time.  Wouldn’t you rather hold your tongue for a single moment and cash the checks as they come in?
  
  You can always tell your grandchildren about what a jerk the other guy was, since he was, but let’s admit that bureaucrats hold a lot of power and keep our anger in check. 

• Handling the classic “I hate you.” 
  What are you supposed to do if your teenager says, “I hate you!” and storms out?  With the under-12 set, rude language gets Time Out, not research.  But with a teen?  Not so easy. 
  
  This is one of those tasks though that is not easy, yet as simple as moving rocks by hand.  Knowing you need to roll one rock at a time is the simple part, yet the work will be hard.  A few tools, the best leverage and a cool drink to look forward to will all help, some common themes for the guerilla parent. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Your tools are handy and shiny like new toys ready to try; you have all that leverage you have been hiding; and you can look forward to some well-deserved serenity as cooling as mint lemonade on an Atlanta August afternoon. 
  
  Your best starting point after a scene is to find a quiet two minutes the same day, giving you a clean palette for the work at hand, a tricky piece of art that will call for great attention to detail.  Use the time when you have a captive audience—next time you are driving the kid to the game (fun), not school (stress)—to do your research, which is fancy talk for finding out more. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  “I was thinking about before: I don’t want to hear about hate, but I am ready to know more.” 

• You want to find out what triggered the outburst, by getting to the root of the matter.  So, if you hear you broke a very minor promise, you need to ask why it had such importance and show readiness to hear whatever has to be said.  The teen’s view of the importance is the root you need to explore.  You may need to explain you didn’t know how important the root matter was.  Say you appreciate “Talking like this,” regardless of what you accomplished. 

• You want to find out why the anger had to be expressed in such a cruel way.  Ask if for the future you can both agree on a more civil way to talk within the family.  You want to find out why talking had to be shut down with that ice maker of a comment, despite the obvious anger that could have other outlets. 

• You want to point out there is a big distinction between hating what someone does and hating that someone.  Of course you never say you hate your kids, or that your kids ‘always’ lie or ‘never’ carry their share, and you expect the same courtesy you have shown.  If that is not the case, offer to start now.  You want results?  Make an agreement with your teen to start immediately making this big distinction, with penalties built in when either of you slip. 

 
Guerilla Tip:  An infuriating family interaction does not require condemning a family member. 

• Believe it or not, none of my kids were angels.  Still, they did not march to the teenage anthem of hate on a regular basis.  What they thought privately, who knows.  That may have been another matter no one needed to know about.  Thank God they kept a little to themselves.  No parent has to know every passing thought. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Allow kids a modest amount of privacy—a little more each year. 
  
  My three kids did not go through a teen phase where there was a complete wall between us.  Nor did they act out in reaction to raging inner turmoil.  Some exchanges between us had to change, which they signaled one way or another—smoothly, less smoothly.  At least they did not insist parents didn’t get it or were totally useless, so past learning the new ways of the world that only another teen could understand.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The terrible teens are no more inevitable than the terrible two’s.  Keep up. 
  
  Times change, kids change and you can, too.  Not your core values, but surface style that honors changing social standards and technology.  Not writing “Dear friend,” or “Yours truly,” is accepted in emails to friend, where it was not polite in correspondence of the past.