Let Them Figure Stuff Out Themselves

“What’s a slut?”

• If you want total silence at mealtimes and unquestioned subservience from your kids, good luck.  Being a dictator may simplify your life for now, but it will crush their spirits in the early years, then backfire badly later.
  
  When the Pilgrims farmed in the new world, their mindset towards governing the land clashed with the native mindset.  To the pilgrims, land was to be owned; to the natives, land was to be husbanded.
   
  From governing land, we have two different models for governing kids.  Anything you own, you can mistreat if you wanted to, for what you perceive to be your own long-term benefit.  Anything you husband, you are entrusted to treat very well for its long-term benefit, not yours.

     Guerilla Tip:  Some parents want to own kids and restrict them.  Other want to lead, guide, love, listen and help.  Which model will you choose? 

• Among its many Aramaic proverbs, the Talmud says that after the young wander, they can return carrying wisdom—so the child sometimes makes the parent wiser (Dinafaik minach, ta’ama milfach). 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  You give them life, and in time they give back. 
  
  Once, a woman named Mrs. Asimov was doing well in a creative writing course.  When the teacher realized after a few sessions that the woman was the mother of science-fiction writer Isaac Asimov, he complimented her, “Ah, so that’s why you write so well!”  She corrected him, “You mean that’s why he writes so well.” 

• When Alex was finishing kindergarten, his teacher felt sure he would benefit from another year of development before starting first grade.  When such a step is called for, it gives the kid the gift of time, but we objected due to his smarts, especially in math.  The teacher said, “He’ll be smart in math a year later, too.  We see a pattern in how most Kindergarteners develop over the year, and we didn’t see it yet in Alex.”  Luckily, the yeshiva grade school we moved him into used the title ‘Pre 1A’ for their kindergarten, so he felt no stigma when he repeated the year.  In any event, there would be greater stigma attached to repeating any later grade, when grades have numbers attached. 
   
  By the beginning of 2^nd grade, though, Alex noticed something had happened to shift him to a grade below some of his friends.  He came home one night and confronted me, saying, “Why did you hold me back?” “So you feel we held you back?” I asked.  “I don’t feel; you did,” he replied decisively.  I told him about the conversation with his teacher years before, but he remained unhappy.  Unfortunately, there was not much I could do but hear him out about his feeling of letdown.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  If all you can do in a delicate moment is listen and accept your kid’s disappointment, that too is an honest exchange.

• I took Alex and friends to see a PG 13 comedy when they were hardly 13.  I was much stricter about movies with drug use and bedroom scenes than about chase scenes or adult language. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  If they are old enough to get it, then they are old enough. 
   
  During the movie, one boy asked me, “Mr. Baskin, what’s a slut?”  I had to compose myself for that one.  “See her dress, not modest, breasts kind of falling out?  He’s insulting her.” After the movie, I added, “By the way, since it’s an insult, if you use the word with your parents, teachers or Rabbis, they might not let me take you to PG13 movies anymore.”
   
  Guerilla Tip:  You cannot control what language kids will use with their own peers, nor do you need to care.  So carry only the burdens you need to.  Otherwise, relax. 
  
  Before you decide I did not treat the vulgarity with the proper weight, consider that my implications for self-control and moderation are precisely how parents and the whole village train kids to fit into the civilized world.  Or course, if they are determined to be monks, they are on their own. 
  
  First notice I did not tell the boy not to repeat a bad word, but showed him a reason for him to want to be selective.  After introducing a consequence, I let him figure out by himself what would be best for him to do.  I guess I set it up right, because it never got back to me. 
  
  A parallel for adults is the classic advice in asking for a raise:  Don’t waste time crying poverty.  Instead, list the reasons for your boss to recognize your worth, so it is your boss who wants to reward you.
  
  Second, it is your right to take a youngster with you to a mature movie if you so choose.  That is up to your circumstances, not my recommendation either way. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If your local theater does not have a listing that specifies why a movie got its rating, look it up on the internet so you can decide. 
  
  If the listing said there is a scene of graphic drug use, I did not take the kids.  Foul language I could deal with, depending on a kid’s age.  

• People view the world from their own vantage point, and that is fine.  I have a sociable cat named Sherlock, affectionate like a puppy, not aloof like most cats.  Since I adopted him as a kitten from a shelter, I must have groomed him to be a lap cat, or it is his own constitution.  When a friend was over, she did not see Sherlock as friendly, she called him needy.  If his friendliness was unwanted, maybe I would also have been annoyed, but I like it a lot.  The same event can be seen from different perspectives. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  You may not like someone else’s point of view, but they are entitled to it. 

• When my marriage fell apart and I moved out, I came over every single night for 16 months to put the kids to bed.  Our family psychologist lauded us for being so innovative, explaining that less of a change for the kids meant less stress for them. 
  
  Early on when Daniel was about seven, he did not follow why we were separating, and he asked me why.  I said that although we both did our best, his mother didn’t think I contributed much to the home.  I wasn’t happy with that, and she wasn’t happy either.  He countered, “But you take care of us.  You buy us pizza.”  I added, “Yes, but she doesn’t see it that way.”  Out of the mouth of babes, he offered, “Maybe she needs new eyes.”  I was speechless. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Kids see more than we think and are perfectly capable of judging for themselves if we let them. 

• Because she viewed me as a friend, my five year-old neighbor Salome invited me for a sleepover recently in her newly painted pink bedroom.  “Thank you so much,” bought me a minute to regroup and gather my words.  “But adults don’t usually have sleepovers with kids.” 
   
  The word usually served a few purposes:  It was not a blunt rejection; it made the issue less black and white, so Sally could make sense of it independently, and it left the door open if her family had aunts and uncles stay over.  My goal was to say no to a little girl without implying she said anything wrong, which she didn’t.  She understood the answer was basically no—a letdown she did not usually take kindly to—and it didn’t even bother her.  She figured it out for herself. 
  
  Her father was happy to hear my report, and it was probably his cue to start having ‘that’ talk about safety soon. 

• When Shevy was three, she saw the movie Bambi.  Driving in the car with her, I spotted a fallen deer by the side of the road and said, “Oh, look Shevy, it’s like Bambi’s mother.”  Shevy said, “Bambi’s a cartoon.  That’s a real deer.”
   
  Guerilla Tip:  As child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim said, kids actually do know the score and will use their wits to survive. 

• Seeing the occasional sign “Loft to let” as a schoolchild, I could not make out what that meant.  Since I had never heard the word ‘let’ used to mean rent, I concluded that the letter ‘I’ might be missing right before it to advertise a bathroom on the second floor.  This naïve story shows kids will fill in the details to make sense of the world around them, when they don’t understand.  
     Guerilla Tip:  Kids don’t know unless you tell them, as they would not know how to use tools well unless you show them. 
  
  My brother David wondered if the Yiddish term balabusta, savvy homemaker, was a cognate for the American term ball buster.  It isn’t. 
  
  My friend Danny S. heard as a child about sitting shiva.  He pictured Jewish mourners wrapped in blankets because they shivered in discomfort.  No one told him then that shiva is Hebrew for seven.  The bereaved sit in mourning for seven days when the community visits to comfort them. 
  
  A more charged story comes from violinist Halina S. of NY, NY.  Her mother survived the Holocaust in Poland only to remain silent about those experiences when relating to Halina.  Understandable, but the young girl then filled in with the most horrible stories of her own as her method of coping with not knowing.  Ideally, the parents could have found a half-way measure. 

• With Shevy no more than four, she was merrily conducting an imaginary class in our living room.  Thinking to help her playtime illusion, I walked over to join in and follow her instructions to the class.  When she asked the class to get up, I also stood up, but she turned and chastised me, “It’s pretend.” 

• When my kids did well on a school test or got a final grade of A or B, it made me feel proud.  Instead of saying I was proud, though, I wanted to make sure they were the ones feeling proud.  I would see if I could get them to own it by offering up the words, if I needed to, “Very good.  How’d that feel?  Proud, I bet!” 

    Guerilla Tip:  Help your kids feel proud of getting results from their own efforts.  Never mind that you feel proud.  Make them connect the dots. 

• As the kids grew, I would ask them to do a few household chores in a row.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Ask kids to do a few things in a row.
  
  Daniel, however, sometimes objected to remembering a list of chores.  For him, remembering was a burden.  He would ask to get only one step at a time, and then he cooperated.  Additionally, he was afraid that if he forgot a step I would be sore.  Admittedly that was true when I thought the steps were trivial, but he demonstrated that he was willing to perform household chores if they were doled out in a way that made him comfortable.  If the work got done, he could have his marching papers one by one—worked for him, worked for me.
   
  Similarly, if Daniel’s chore was to set the whole table for a Sabbath meal—four courses, often with guests expected—he would ask me to set one place first that he could copy.  He did not mind doing the work if there would be no second guessing to follow.  The chore of second guessing must have been mine, and my chores usually got done.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Let them teach you how to be their best teacher, guiding you how to be their best guide.    

• In tryouts for the Little League baseball team when he was eight, Daniel swung his bat at so few pitches that it looked like he was unsure.  The coach, however, saw a completely different picture:  Daniel’s eye was so good, and so much better than mine, that he could see that only one in five pitches was perfect for him.  The coach saw him swing at only the very best pitches. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Before drawing conclusions about things you know little about, check your facts.  Hold off before you lock into any assumption that kids are fools, have bad judgment or hold onto fears. 
  
  During the season, another coach was using rough language with a foul tone to pep the team up.  That mock anger might fit for college sports, but is it really needed for eight year olds?  Checking for his take, my question was “Does the coach usually talk that way?”  Daniel surprised me by saying he couldn’t care less.  Because the coaching was winning games, the coach could talk any trash he wanted.  Not my call, then.    
     Guerilla Tip:  As your kids grow, respect their priorities. 

• At seven years old, Miriam M. of Cabo Rojo, Puerto Rico, was sent to bed early to say her prayers, which made her angry.  But since she was forced to say her prayers, God was now the culprit.  Miriam’s prayer:  “I wish God died.”  She knew it was over the line and she felt guilty, but felt better saying it out loud.  She later discovered that cursing God was really displaced anger to her mother.  But since her mother forbade its direct expression, it became forbidden for little Miriam to feel.  So, she could not have felt it. 
    
  Of course, she didn’t hate God, only the coerced bedtime and coerced prayers.  The kid did nothing wrong other than expressing herself.  Let’s say you overheard Miriam’s curse, not directed towards you, but you were scandalized.  You could make a scene, or you could leave it alone. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let kids talk to God as they will, without interference, and figure out what results they gain. 

• Shevy at four learned through a friend how a father puts a baby inside a mother.  First she checked with me if that ridiculous idea could possible be true.  Then she wanted to know where the baby comes out.  She couldn’t guess, despite my encouragement, despite my hints that it’s the same place it goes in.  Finally, I said the baby usually comes out when the mother’s body opens between the legs.  With complete disbelief, she guessed, “The vagina?”  My simple yes threw her into hysterics of silliness, picturing such an absurd image. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Talking birds and bees is a balance of modest language, nothing too graphic for a young kid, and the plain medical terms permitted in a court of law.  It’s not scenic, but you won’t go wrong. 
  
  When they ask, by definition it’s time.  You’re on.  Don’t avoid answering them, but put your spin on it.  Use your head about just how to address such a delicate subject.  Straight-forward talk avoids frightening the kids.  Don’t make the subject a big deal.  If it’s hard to treat it like any other subject, do what most parents do—pretend. 

• At about the time a US president was investigated for his personal activities, Alex was 7 and asked for some definition on exactly what constituted intercourse.  The subject was after all in the news.  Alex could imagine that the male part goes into the basic female part.  However, he was surprised to hear me say other parts accepted it as well.   If the news insists we broaden our minds, bring it on.  He wondered which other parts work—the hand?  Yes.  The mouth?  Yes.  Behind?  Well, yes.  Now he was off to the races and breaking new ground—the ear?  No, I never heard of it.  Aural would be new.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Let them figure stuff out for themselves, but point them in the right direction. 

• When Daniel, Shevy and I went to Jamaica on vacation, we experienced a small wonder of the world called Dunn’s River Falls.  Not only does the chilly mountain waterfall pour right into the warm sea, but tourists hike the five blocks up the wet rocks of the cascade, as we did.  It’s miraculous.  Later, we phoned Alex, back home on a different vacation with his mother.  On the day we went to the falls in the Caribbean, Alex went to Hershey Park, PA, where he rode an amusement ride also called Dunn’s River Falls.
    
  All three kids, ages 5, 6 and 7 had the identical reaction:  Alex had gotten the better deal.  There was nothing to be done but laugh that the simulated ride beat out the real falls.  Kids.  The story is paradoxical, a baby ignoring a toy and playing more with the box it came in.  Likewise, it’s stupid that kids envied the ride over the real thing, but at least nobody lectured them.  As it turns out, Shevy still remembers the falls as being too intense for her.  She was frightened, not exhilarated, and I carried her part of the way through the water.  An amusement ride would have been more her speed.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  It is restraint that expresses love—letting things pass.
   
  There is no comparison between synthetic and real experiences.   For example, there is no comparison between toy instruments and real ones—the sound and even the way they feel in your hand and the kid’s.  If you can afford it, buy them the real thing.   Latin shakers, real maracas and teak Claves are under $10.  Basic harmonicas and tambourines used by professionals cost $15 to $20 and sound nothing like toys.  It’s a great honor to be given a real instrument.  Not only is it much easier to produce a pleasing sound and feel successful with the real thing, but your own ears will thank you for your generosity.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Just because kids gravitate towards what’s most packaged, sparkling and artificial, doesn’t mean that’s what’s best for them. 
  
  As always, they get some input, and you decide what’s best for them. 

• Part of growing up is talking to adults in ordinary conversation.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Give kids practice ordering at restaurants.  Let them speak to waiters about what they want, asking about the size or the spiciness of a dish, after you approved what they will order, of course. 

• Alex was watching TV with me when he was 12, and a commercial for men’s hair dye came on.  Since it showed the guy with a pretty woman, my question was what was the ad saying?  “If you buy our product,” he nailed the message, “you’ll get more girls. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  See if your kids know what messages the media is actually selling along with the products they advertise.  If they don’t follow, tell them.  
    
  My kids were already quite used to this sort of challenge from me.  However, when we were watching TV at a visit to my sister’s house and talked about this sort of question with her kids there, she was annoyed, “For God’s sake, let them just enjoy the show!”  Fair enough, Sheara.