Be There to Protect Them

“With modern vulgarity the way it is…”

• Sigmund Freud believed strongly in giving kids protection and affection.  In Civilization and Its Discontents, Freud wrote, “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.”  There is no need to restrict the protected feeling to the father alone; a mother can be as strong a 'source.' 
  
  In A Childhood Recollection, he wrote, “If a man has been his mother’s undisputed darling, he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it.”  There is no need to restrict the well-loved feeling to the mother alone; a father is 'not seldom' an equally good source. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  According to Freud, parental protection is most valued during childhood, and parental love carries through as confidence and success in the adult years. 

• During travels or mall shopping, there would always be times the kids needed to use public restrooms.  Bringing my daughter into the men's room did not feel modest, once she was three or four.  To send her into the ladies room alone did not feel right either, so I would pick out a nice woman or teen walking in and ask her, “Would you mind being an escort?  My daughter doesn’t need help, just a companion.”  Although there was no guarantee that the new escort was a safe escort, it was I who had picked her out, asked her to be big sister and waited right outside the whole time.
  
  For my sons, sometimes it was impractical to escort them into the men’s room as they got older.  So when sending them in without me, I left them with this guidance: “Wash up with soap, and don’t make any new friends in there.” 

• My mother’s mother did not read much besides magazines, but she
  must have liked poetry.  Here is what Nanny taught me on a long visit to Tampa, FL at 10: 

Way down south 

Where the grass grows green
A bulldog jumped in a sewing machine.
Sewing machine went so fast
Put three stitches in the bulldog’s a__.

 
She asked me not to repeat it to my parents, which made sense.  So I waited to tell them until I got home—not to get Nanny in trouble, but because the poem was a scream for a Florida grandmother though mild and harmless for a 10-year-old New Yorker.  Since Nanny thought it naughty, I just had to tell.  Oh, they were angry at her, for sure. 

Of course, in guerilla parenting, you can turn a kid’s compulsion to tell all to safety’s advantage. 

Guerilla Tip:  Tell your kids, “If an adult ever tells you to keep a secret, you can tell us right away.  When adults share secrets with kids, it’s not allowed.” 

• At eight, I was going to the dentist myself.  Today that sounds awfully young.  With a system very sensitive to pain, I learned to ask when any drilling was needed, “Could I have novocaine?”  I asked for it quickly, to numb the tooth before the dentist started. 
  
  I remember often arguing with the dentist for it, “Could I have novocaine?” when he would suggest that numbing was unnecessary for a small cavity.  “Could I have novocaine?” for a third time did it.  It was not the dentist who would feel pain.  There was no way I was going to suffer if I didn’t have to, and if I said I needed it, I did.  The shame was that a third grader had to advocate so hard for himself, but I had already figured that out at home. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Advocate for your kids when they are very young.  They should not have to do that work themselves.  Over time, teach them to stand up for themselves. 
  
  The muscles to advocate for your own needs are all-important and must be built up over time, but no heavy lifting for little ones, please. 
  
  My mother was proud that at my delivery, the doctor proclaimed, “He has some set of lungs!”  Based on my screaming reaction to his slap on the bottom, that might have been a quick save for slapping too hard—or for a system very sensitive to pain, even for the standard slap of yesteryear.  Today, slapping is no longer considered the only way to welcome a newborn and initiate his breathing. 

• When my kids were ages 10, 11 and 12, a convicted pedophile came to town.  While everyone has to live somewhere, I used the moment to address the matter of safety, in context, with my kids.  It was time to tell them two stories of violation that happened to me as a kid.  My message was unfortunately that my parents gave me no support but that I would be there if my kids needed a net. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell them you will always listen and will act to protect them. 
  
  These incidents serve to enrich the picture of the school of hard knocks I attended to reach some self-awareness.  For me, they would barely be worth retelling except for how my parents blocked me from taking any healing action when I reached out for support and for closure. 

• At eight, I was grabbed by a big, retarded boy named Lenny, who kissed me on my lips.  I was disgusted but petrified.  Was I sending off signals?  Was I gay?  I told my parents how bad it made me feel.  I said I wanted to call his parents up and tell them to keep him away from me.  Not missing a beat to identify with the oppressor, my parents convinced me that Lenny’s parents probably had enough to deal with and would only feel worse for the news.  I had to let it go. 
  
  I let it go so well that today I recall it with full fidelity and can transcribe every detail for the first time, especially my parents’ advice to protect the bully, not me. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  And we wonder why victims wonder if they brought the attack on. 

• At 16, I attended a religious weekend away from home and met the Rabbi in charge.  I will call him Rabbi Pedophile, or Rabbi PP for short.  Three times over the weekend, he shook my hand and let his hand fall to brush against my zipper—not an easy trick when the teenager is short.  By the third time, I was sure the pattern was deliberate, but what could I say to an authority figure?  Was I sending off signals?  Was I gay? 
  
  On Saturday night, Rabbi PP cornered me and said something bizarre like, “A sexy guy like you must masturbate twice a day.  Do you?”  He could have been offering his assistance or just being nosy, but either way, I knew he had overstepped his boundaries. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Only because of overt vulgarity do we sometimes have the confidence not to respond, but to walk away. 
  
  I was petrified but brave.  Learning nothing from the Lenny incident, I bravely told my parents what happened and that I wanted to call Rabbi PP’s wife and speak my truth.  I wanted an apology and I wanted someone watching this PP. 
  
  No, it would be too upsetting, better not.  But why should a toll be taken on the self-esteem of a kid?  Forgiveness would not be free, but paid by the victim.  PP and my parents were showing me that my boundaries, apparently, did not deserve to be respected.  Out of the box, I also offered we could call our own rabbi to address it, as he had some acquaintance with PP.  No, again.  And we wonder. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If the clergy find offense when a victim points a finger at other clergy who, entrusted with our kids, mishandle them instead, the offended clergy are identifying with the oppressor. 

• If you are the oppressor, shame on you. 

• If you knowingly protect the oppressor, shame on you. 

• If you blame the victim for either being victimized—the victim already does that—or for speaking out, shame on you.

• I took action for Alex when he was 13.  He first mentioned that a man we knew who substituted at school told a stupid but vulgar joke when they were both facing the wall in the men’s room.  If the joke had been clever, this is exactly where it might have fit.  I put that in my bonnet, but no pattern yet. 
  
  When we saw him next, at our pizza shop, the man mentioned how handsome Alex was and I thanked him.  Thank you, and there was my pattern of unwelcome attentions, so I prepared a specially packaged warning for him. 
  
  When I saw the man next, I told him privately that with modern vulgarity the way it was, I was trying to clean up my own family’s environment.  He did not need to know I actually have no problem with well-chosen vulgarity for adults, and I can be vulgar at times.  I was setting the stage for my point to him alone. 
  
  Therefore, I said, if he ever noticed vulgarity of any kind around my kids, even bathroom humor, he should please tell me so I could correct it.  He agreed and the pattern ended.  I reported back to Alex to let him know that I served the offender notice. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let your kids know how you handled a delicate situation. 
  
  P.S.—In hindsight, it might have been no coincidence that the man was in the men’s room and could engage my son in conversation and jokes.