Deal with Bigger Subjects, Bigger Kids

“My father beats me.”

• Rejecting Corporal Punishment
  Spanking fell from grace a long time ago, so it was time to find other means of communicating my displeasure.  Especially after Daniel told a school nurse that he could beat on a buddy because his father beats him.  That was not true, and I got a clean bill of health from a child psychologist who evaluated him.  But I cut out all physical punishment because it was time.  The psychologist discovered that the smallest pat on the behind was getting magnified in the kid’s mind, so it had to go.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  As yelling is a natural substitute for spanking, watch out for that one, too. 

• Handling Kisses from Strangers
  If they are strangers, tell them you know they mean well but they are making your kid uncomfortable.  Stand up for your kid’s personal space.  There will be many times your kid will have to do the same without you around. 
  
  If it is Auntie Esther thinking it is okay when it is obviously unwelcome, ask her to find another way to express her deep love. 
  
  When Daniel was in second grade, he told me he was embarrassed when I kissed him on school grounds or in front of his friends.  He thought he was too old for it, or maybe other boys weren’t getting kissed.  I told him my father kissed me, and I did not intend to stop.  However, I wanted to honor his discomfort and his asking openly and politely.  I offered to substitute a coded kiss in public for a kiss on the cheek.  He asked what that would be.  I had no idea.  I was hoping he had a suggestion.  I said we could wink an eye, and he bought that.  A wink is what it became for a number of years to come, until we could hug and kiss again in public. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A kiss can express love, not kissing can express it, and winking can, too. 

• Assigning Household Chores
  If you want to give them chores, great.  If they resist, give them a reason to go along, like, “I know you don’t I want to vacuum, and I don’t want to drive to the mall.  But please vacuum and I will drive you.  Deal?”  A business deal has to work for both parties or it won’t get repeated, that’s for sure.

• Setting up an Allowance
  Fix an agreement on what the allowance is and what you expect in return, perhaps a household chore or a restriction on how the money is used.  Then hold up your part of the bargain and expect the same for the allowancee.  Tell her like you mean it that you will cut allowance in the second week if she falls down on the job the first week.  No harshness involved—sticking to the announced consequences is giving your kid respect, the respect of holding her accountable for her actions. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If she does not deserve the respect of accountability, she is too young for an allowance. 
  
  For dealing with two-way expectations of money, see Invent New Rules As You Go.

• Getting Your Agenda out
   Sometimes driving with my kids, I would see laborers doing roadwork, sweating in the sun.  That is when I would get my agenda out to the kids:  “See how hard those guys are working?  Their boss is somewhere in an air-conditioned trailer.  Who’s wording harder?  And guess who’s getting paid more?”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell your kids, “Remember, when you grow up, you want to be the manager.” 

• Getting Dressed 
  As summer day camp turned into fall nursery school, four-year old Shevy kept insisting on wearing her sundresses.  That got old pretty fast as weather in New Jersey cools come September, and a loose, sleeveless cotton dress is just too light.  She wanted those dresses while more warmth was called for, so it was time for a compromise: A light cotton turtleneck first, then any sundress she wanted. 
  
  Looked ridiculous to me, but she got what she wanted and was still dressed for the season, a win-win all around.  The teachers wanted to know if she dressed herself—oh, yes she did.  Privately, a woman told me my daughter’s clothes didn’t really go together.  I already knew that. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let’s not be greedy about how many areas of their lives we get to control. 
  
  Even at two or three, kids want some control.  Even if they do not ask for it, increasing their self-direction is how we prepare them for the independent adults they must eventually become.  Give it to them in the form of choices you already know you can live with: “Red or blue sweater?” not “Would Daddy’s darling like to put on a coat before she runs out into the snow, or is it her preference to drink a six-pack for dinner?” 

• All winter, my mother liked keeping the house at a constant 75ºF, hot and very drying with a forced-air heating system.  Every morning for several winters, my throat was irritated and scratchy.  I would ask father to check for a sore throat, always hoping to stay home from school, which was painfully boring. 
  
  When he looked down my throat, he would usually say it looked red but asked if it felt bad enough to stay home from school.  In that area, he gave me some leeway in deciding on the school day.  Precisely because he made it no issue, no forcing, it was easy to say okay and go off to school.  It felt good to know I had some say in the matter. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Kids like to have some say in the matter. 

• Spending Money and Talking about the Value
  Shopping for food is a good time to talk about balancing good health with good taste, but also about money.  Talk about getting your money’s worth, sales and discounts. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Math practice is so much easier where it counts, and it is tangible in the market. 

• With a Bar of Chocolate, Breaking Up is Hard To Do
  When my kids had to go through the painful process of sharing—and no treat is ever so big that it is easy to share—my rule was that one divides it and the other chooses a piece.  With this construct, kids build up the most powerful geometry muscles.  They learn eye-hand coordination in dividing the oddest shapes into the most evenly equal pieces.  So much is at stake. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Math practice is so much easier where it counts, and it counts when you have to split a bar of chocolate. 

• Limiting Risky Access to the Internet and Beyond 
  How you get to the Internet, like Yahoo, varies.  But all web browsers let you limit what kids can see on the Internet—especially when you cannot supervise them.  For example, you can block violent sites from all connections or you can lock in different settings for each kid’s password. 
  
  Microsoft suggests four tips to protect kids online: 

• Blocking sites—Decide what sites a kid cannot go to.  Some browsers have Content Advisors that itemize ratings so you can block online “Depiction of alcohol; Depiction of weapon use.”  For better or worse, ratings are self-regulated.  Meaning that each website answers a checklist, which leaves room for interpretation. 

• Securing your computer—Prevent kids from downloading material either bad for them or bad for your computer.  Only you will do downloads. 

• Checking history—Check up on what sites they visited, long after the fact.  Use Internet settings to set online history to 14 days, giving you plenty of time to check.  While the list is easily deleted, tell your kids there will be no deleting.  With some browsers, Control‑H brings history right up. 

• Teaching personal safety—Insist that no kid ever gives a stranger a full name (nickname maybe), address, phone, personal photo or a meeting in private.  Ever.  Kids find it very hard to say no to strangers—though not to their parents.  With such identifying information, a stranger with an agenda has one foot in the door. 

Guerilla Tip:  If they balk at Internet limits, no problem, no Internet. 

Usually you can find Tools or Options that give you choices of Internet Settings you can switch on and off, and then Lock.  Let’s be clear that nothing is foolproof and nothing more valuable than talking to your kids about the things that concern you. 

Guerilla Tip:  Without being graphic to frighten a four-year-old, explain that some strangers break rules and deserve Time Out.  Some can play tricks on kids, even be selfish or cruel. 

I opened our front door to a stranger when I was alone at 12.  She insisted she was a census taker, and I finally caved.  My parents were furious when I told them, but a kid is almost powerless, at least at a disadvantage, against an insistent adult.  Hence the manipulative, “You have to help me find my lost puppy,” used by kidnappers.  Thank goodness the census taker was simply pushy at her job and no more. 

• Babysitters 
  Sitters are a gift from above, but you need to choose wisely.  If your kids generally accept sitters and tell you they didn’t like one particular sitter, that sitter does not return. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If there is a problem with someone who comes in contact with your kid, even if you cannot pinpoint it, trust your kid anyway that something is off. 
  
  No need to repeat it or wait for a pattern to emerge.  No need to fire or embarrass anyone—The contact with your kid ends.  Even if a sitter won’t read a bedtime story or sing a lullaby, that sitter can get lost.
  
  When a fellow worker, Manny R. of NY, NY, worried about a sitter, I asked if she was new.  Manny explained that since their four-year-old was born, he never had a sitter other than family.  That explained the concern about the sitter. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Do not wait until your kid is four to use a sitter and get out of the house for a little adult time.  A non-family sitter teaches the kids that the world is filled with many people who can also be trusted. 

• Taking the High Road, when the Low Road is Ugly—Divorce
  A breakup is unpleasant by its very nature, because if things were good, you would still be together.  If there is friction, it does not get better by itself, but you can rethink things and improve them.  To take the high road when things get rough, get some distance and take control of the tone of your current situation.  Ask yourself, “How do I want to remember the relationship?”  Naturally, blame won’t butter your parsnips. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You may have to begin looking at a failed relationship with a big one, mourning the dream that died—the dream that the relationship would last forever. 
  
  Turn the anger you feel now into pity for your ex’s limitations, and then eventually into prayers for the ex you once loved very deeply.  Send out positive energy if that is how you want to be surrounded.  If that sounds like wishful thing, well, will you get there by broadcasting a lot of negative energy?  Also, the kids will see an outstanding model, and you may even get something positive back from your ex … occasionally. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Remember, you are not obligated to say every stupid thing that comes to mind. 
  
  In Sayings of our Sages, rabbinic student Shimon Ben Zoma said, Ayzehu gibor, “Who is strongest?  Whoever triumphs over impulsiveness.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Self control—it’s an invaluable hidden asset both for yourself and in dealing with others. 
  
  Or so I have heard. 
  
  Be shrewd and draw boundaries.  Insist that all agreements be followed as written.  As seasoned schoolteachers know, you must start strict and you can soften later. 
  
  My schedule of seeing the kids was not bad:  twice a week for two-hour dinners, plus a Saturday or Sunday every weekend.  When on occasion I was asked to shift my 6:00-8:00 dinnertime to 7:00, I would say I was happy to do a favor by switching to a 7:00-9:00 slot, if that would help.  When I heard that 9:00 was too late to end, I asked if it was better then to leave it at 6:00-8:00 or to switch to another night of the week.  Those were the choices I would offer, not shortening my time to a rushed one-hour dinner.  Each choice involved doing a favor to be accommodating, but chopping off an hour of time with the kids was not okay with me.  I stood pat, and it worked. 
  
  It was Rochelle K. of Edison, NJ who called me each year for the Mother’s Day charity drive that delivered a festive breakfast basket.  At the first Mother’s Day that of my living elsewhere, Rochelle suggested continuing the annual donation as a model of respect—for the same mother—and for the kids to see me still standing by honoring father and mother.  Did it for years. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A Mother’s Day or Father’s Day contribution for the ex—smart and charitable. 
  
  Dr. Maurice E. of North Brunswick, NJ taught me that kids cannot express their needs as well as adults, but the parent by nature expresses what the kids need. 
  
  If, during the divorce process of structuring who sees the kids when, it was important for me to see them a certain amount of time, he said to trust that was the identical amount the kids needed, also.  For me, it was a matter of frequency.  A short visit with them to touch base every other day was okay, but every other weekend would not have worked. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  There is nothing wrong with asking yourself what you really want to do as a starting point. 
  
  When my kids asked me after divorce why my systems were different from their mother’s, what a perfect opportunity to take a cheap shot at my ex.  But the high road was a simpler explanation.  Imagine a response that can show respect and keep it simple at the same time! 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  “It’s confusing, I know.  Just follow my rules here, your mother’s rules there, and you’ve got it made!” 
  
  Last time that question came up. 

• Late in the divorce period, my lawyer arranged for a child psychologist to do a family evaluation.  After many meetings with many combinations of the family, Dr. C. of Lebanon, NJ drafted his assessment.  It said the mother was a perfectly fit parent, but that he had never met a more involved father in all his divorce cases.  His positive assessment prompted us to ask him to mediate our child custody agreement. 
  
  In a single mediation session, he found compromises that maximized the effective time we spent with the kids without overdoing the single parent mode, and minimized the standard insulting labels.  Primary custody—Isn’t a custodian like a superintendent of a building or a janitor?  Visiting parent—With the exception of parents whose visits are supervised, why does divorce demote 50% of parents to the tourist status of a visitor? 
  
  It took about a year before it hit me what the psychologist actually saw to earn me gold stars in his assessment.  It was during a game of tiddlywinks he asked us to play that I let the kids see me ‘cheating.’  Of course, it was a mock move meant to heighten the fun and not to cheat anyone in the true sense.  Not a good or bad thing in itself, but it demonstrated an authentic parent-child relationship, not one put on for show that might be too good to be true.  The psychologist could see by the squealing kids that this was not the first time they saw me pull that trick. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Even when your actions are under the microscope, you can trust that the truth will shine through. 

• My brother Rachim heard some grotesque talk from his girlfriend’s 16 year old, nonsense not directed towards him but still foolish.  When he reported back to the mother, who loved her teen and was very tender, she said, “She’s an idiot.  Don’t listen to anything she says.  She’s a teenager.”
   
  Translation:  “We’re not in transition; she is.  Let’s not swing with her mood swings or give her passing comments more weight than they deserve, which is very little.” 

• Knowing when to shoot your mouth off
  My father used to tell me a tale of his brother Sol who was wounded in action in the American offensive in Italy, WW II.  As an artist, Sol Baskin captured some of his war memories in a beautiful sketchbook called Blood on the Olives.  When he had his big meeting for his disability benefits, he met with a high-ranking officer in the army, say a Colonel.  The Colonel challenged him about his eligibility, though there was no question that half a stomach was gone as a result of military action. 
  
  As artists can be fiery, he did not react well.  Instead of letting the provocation pass, he blew up and told the Colonel off. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  As far as teaching kids how to sense when that special time arrives to shoot your mouth off, tell them never is too soon. 
  
  That one outburst cost him the long-term benefits he so deserved, but he was satisfied to be true to himself.  Sounds like the 60s, but it was the late 40’s.  Although my uncle did not regret the moment, my father regretted it for him and wanted me to learn from it—how to ruin a deal all by yourself. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  One wrong word deserved or not can keep costing you for a long time.  Wouldn’t you rather hold your tongue for a single moment and cash the checks as they come in?
  
  You can always tell your grandchildren about what a jerk the other guy was, since he was, but let’s admit that bureaucrats hold a lot of power and keep our anger in check. 

• Handling the classic “I hate you.” 
  What are you supposed to do if your teenager says, “I hate you!” and storms out?  With the under-12 set, rude language gets Time Out, not research.  But with a teen?  Not so easy. 
  
  This is one of those tasks though that is not easy, yet as simple as moving rocks by hand.  Knowing you need to roll one rock at a time is the simple part, yet the work will be hard.  A few tools, the best leverage and a cool drink to look forward to will all help, some common themes for the guerilla parent. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Your tools are handy and shiny like new toys ready to try; you have all that leverage you have been hiding; and you can look forward to some well-deserved serenity as cooling as mint lemonade on an Atlanta August afternoon. 
  
  Your best starting point after a scene is to find a quiet two minutes the same day, giving you a clean palette for the work at hand, a tricky piece of art that will call for great attention to detail.  Use the time when you have a captive audience—next time you are driving the kid to the game (fun), not school (stress)—to do your research, which is fancy talk for finding out more. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  “I was thinking about before: I don’t want to hear about hate, but I am ready to know more.” 

• You want to find out what triggered the outburst, by getting to the root of the matter.  So, if you hear you broke a very minor promise, you need to ask why it had such importance and show readiness to hear whatever has to be said.  The teen’s view of the importance is the root you need to explore.  You may need to explain you didn’t know how important the root matter was.  Say you appreciate “Talking like this,” regardless of what you accomplished. 

• You want to find out why the anger had to be expressed in such a cruel way.  Ask if for the future you can both agree on a more civil way to talk within the family.  You want to find out why talking had to be shut down with that ice maker of a comment, despite the obvious anger that could have other outlets. 

• You want to point out there is a big distinction between hating what someone does and hating that someone.  Of course you never say you hate your kids, or that your kids ‘always’ lie or ‘never’ carry their share, and you expect the same courtesy you have shown.  If that is not the case, offer to start now.  You want results?  Make an agreement with your teen to start immediately making this big distinction, with penalties built in when either of you slip. 

 
Guerilla Tip:  An infuriating family interaction does not require condemning a family member. 

• Believe it or not, none of my kids were angels.  Still, they did not march to the teenage anthem of hate on a regular basis.  What they thought privately, who knows.  That may have been another matter no one needed to know about.  Thank God they kept a little to themselves.  No parent has to know every passing thought. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Allow kids a modest amount of privacy—a little more each year. 
  
  My three kids did not go through a teen phase where there was a complete wall between us.  Nor did they act out in reaction to raging inner turmoil.  Some exchanges between us had to change, which they signaled one way or another—smoothly, less smoothly.  At least they did not insist parents didn’t get it or were totally useless, so past learning the new ways of the world that only another teen could understand.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The terrible teens are no more inevitable than the terrible two’s.  Keep up. 
  
  Times change, kids change and you can, too.  Not your core values, but surface style that honors changing social standards and technology.  Not writing “Dear friend,” or “Yours truly,” is accepted in emails to friend, where it was not polite in correspondence of the past. 

Address Death as it Comes Up

“Grandma isn’t coming back home.”

• Death is final and its permanence is a very difficult subject, with or without your family beliefs.  If a kid is old enough to have a conversation, she is old enough for the truth.  Find the words that fit her age. 
  
  When Daniel was seven and my mother-in-law died at home of an illness, he said, “They shot her.”  He thought she died from a gunshot.  I explained softly it was not that kind of shot.  He may have overheard that doctors gave her an injection, a shot of painkiller. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Start addressing the death of family member very slowly. 
  
  Say, “You know Grandma was very sick.”  Wait to hear a response that shows readiness for more.  If not, stop immediately and continue later.  “They tried, but nobody could fix her.”  Wait for another response.  Softly explain that the situation will not reverse itself, “She won’t be coming back home.” 
  
  If the kid is lost, offer your feelings as a starting point, “We’re all sad,” or, “We pray for her,” or perhaps, “We are happy she is free,” but only if that is what you truly believe.  Honestly, happy-free would not work for me. 

• Bypassing the nonsensical lies
  Because made-up stories will not buy any serenity here, avoid the following masquerades: 

• “God loved Grandma so much that he took her close to him.”
  —Your kid will hope God loves him a lot less, and will work hard to make sure. 

• “She’s sleeping.”
  —Your kid will not be closing his eyes anytime soon. 

• “She went for a long vacation.”
  —Your kid will not be packing for that trip. 

     You may be able to say, “We are happy she is no longer in pain.”  You can certainly say, “We will always miss her, love her, remember her.” 

• Handling Unexpected Questions
  After a death in the family, a kid may ask, “Will you die?” One interpretation is that the kid is worried about more death coming up.  Although we will all die, don’t just say yes. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If a kid asks, “Will you die?” say, “Not for many years.  Why do you ask?” 
  
  When a kid is worried, it is a delicate moment—not the time to say the obvious, honest truth.  Do you think a kid is asking about human mortality?  An educated guess is that the reason for the question is, “Any more losses I have to brace for?”  If you can, give a simple, reassuring answer like no.  If you have health problems that your kid is already aware of, this might still not be the time to say you are not doing well.  Rather, try for “I am doing my best, and the doctor is hopeful.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Make sure you understand every odd question your kid asks.  The odder the question, the bigger the payoff when you get to the bottom of what the kid really wants to know. 
  
  As Maryanne M. of Atlanta, GA says, wait.  Probe further to find out what the question means to your kid.  Don’t answer a hard question mindlessly and, maybe, don’t just answer right away. 

• Choosing appropriateness
  My own kids joined me for a quiet visit to a cemetery on the day after a burial, for the closure it could bring the kids and for the chance to address concerns they had. 
  
  I was brought to a burial when I was six.  Usually, my father would bring me along to visit mourners in their houses, not to the cemetery.  He would talk to them about sports he knew little about or about the departed, preferably. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Teach your kids to watch the lead of the bereaved, and if they need the distraction of sports talk, so be it. 
  
  At the burial I attended, a never-married middle-aged woman, Fanny S. of Bayside, NY, screamed out at the moment the casket was lowering into the ground, “Mama, why are you leaving us?”  That is really too much for a six-year-old to see and hear.  Since such intensity can occur at a gravesite, and that was not my family, I did not need to be brought at all.  However, the cry was not too much for me to bear after all; it fascinated me.  I suppose I could have used a debriefing with my father later, but we never discussed it.  It was…an experience. 

• Starting an Imaginary Conversation
  Occasionally, I took my landlady Mary K. of Highland Park, NJ to the cemetery “to visit Pete.”  Knowing perfectly well he was gone, she would plant flowers, say a prayer and talk to her late husband. 
  
  On one visit there, I walked over to some trees to talk to my own mother, resting in a cemetery far away in Jerusalem.  Because of travel circumstances the year before, I had arrived after my mother’s burial.  In this way I got the closure I had missed. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Whether by earth or by heaven, all cemeteries must be connected spiritually. 
  
  Years later when an old friend died, I needed comfort from the older generation.  With my parents gone, I went to see Mary in a nursing home and planned to tell her of my grief.  However, her memory was not at its best, and my issue did not really pertain to her.  I walked out the door without addressing it. 
  
  On the way to my car, it struck me that I could have the same conversation I came for anyway, roaming the parking lot alone.  After ‘telling’ Mary my bad news, I imagined the best possible responses.  Validations beyond what she might actually have said, but the ideal words I needed to hear.  One of the best conversations I had, ever, imaginary or not.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Assuming your kid has a solid grasp of reality, see if you want to introduce the idea of an imaginary conversation, picturing how an absent party might react—as long as it is understood as imagination.
  

Respect the Laws of Nature

But don’t “Throw them in the deep end.”

• In nature, there are real consequences to many an action, consequences that do not vanish because we wish them away.  So rather than mow down every obstacle for the kids, allow nature to take its course. 
  
  Be happy when kids recognize the natural consequences of their own actions.  They crave it.  That is why they throw pebbles into the water, to see how their little bodies can affect Mother Earth. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t fix every little problem either before or after it happens. 
  
  On the other hand, it horrified me to see parents use any variation of “Throw them in the deep end—sink or swim.”  Never frighten a kid by deliberately putting him in over his head.  But neither should you pretend there is no cause and effect, or that life does not have difficulties when the difficulties in fact show up. 
  
  Remember every cartoon character that popped right back up after being flattened by a rock or steamroller?  That’s pretend, it’s entertainment, but real life has consequences.  Let them flow. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Use nature to your advantage by honoring the law of natural consequences. 

• When four-year-olds went off to nursery school forgetting their lunch, my goal was to make sure that didn’t happen again—by doing nothing.  No special trip to drive the lunch over and make myself late for work.  Because no one fixed the problem, but allowed for the natural consequences, the kids remembered their lunch real well the next day.  No one had starved that day either.  The teachers always had peanut butter and crackers as a fill in. 
  
  Naturally, if the forgotten item was medicine or reading glasses, that would have been a different issue, and a special trip would have been fair enough. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Take a Zen attitude with a cue from nature.  Sometimes it is best to let something be what it has to be without interference. 
  
  Nothing makes for a stronger lesson than learning the hard way.  Again, do not deliberately play such a trick on kids to teach them a lesson, but neither should you come to their rescue so no rain is ever allowed to fall.  The gardener plans and nature improvises. 

• Years before I had kids, I learned a wonderful lesson in hands-off parenting from my neighbor Felipe L, of NY, NY but originally from El Salvador.  Three months after his son, Christian, was born, the skull starting hardening.  By closing prematurely, the skull was restricting his growing brain.  We lived next to a teaching hospital, and, thanks to the right diagnosis for the boy, at six months he had successful surgery. 
  
  Growing up like any other toddler, he would also trip and fall in the apartment.  Considering the medical history, it was doubly surprising to see Felipe did not ordinarily run and help him.  We were close enough for me to ask him why he did nothing. 
  
  In my family, Felipe would be run out of town for not panicking, or children’s services would be called in.  He explained that since he could see Christian was okay, there was no point in calling undue attention to a little fall.  He deliberately ignored it.  Specifically, he said that the toddler knew he was there for him and could either come over for a hug or call for help if it really hurt or he was scared. 
  
  That was all that was needed.  There was nothing in the picture that had to do with machismo or toughening up a two year old. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The best, clear-minded parenting allows a little rain to fall. 

• When a traffic light is green for a long time, are you surprised when that stale green naturally turns red?  Wouldn’t you agree the longer it stays green, the more likely it is to turn red soon?  If you accept the law of natural consequence yourself, you can face the inevitable with serenity. 
  
  Also, just asking, would you speed up to catch a green light you see six blocks away?  Or would you realize that the green you go through will naturally be any green other than that one? 

• Don’t fight the inevitable. 

• Don’t act surprised when rudeness begets rudeness.

• Don’t act surprised when you flip-flop on rules and the kids don’t take you seriously.

• Don’t face West early in the morning and await the sunrise. 
  

• A friend who was taking me to a weekend lunch remarked, “I hope Esther won’t go so late.”  When I asked how late the lunches usually went, “Four hours long,” the concern was understandable.  However, I said, “Hoping it won’t go late when her lunches usually do will get you as much as hoping it will go extra late.  Relax; it’ll go late.”  

Teach Etiquette for Daily Use

“Yes actually, a dinner gift is expected.”

• Isn’t etiquette a bit old hat?
  
  Some of the minor rules of etiquette are outdated, yes.  You have to be selective based on your own values, along with that of your community and culture.  Remember, though, that the norms we call etiquette, while varying in the details, are there to guide us away from foolish behavior. 
   
  Wait for the next time you bring flowers or other hostess gift as a dinner guest.  When the hostess says you shouldn’t have, delight her with, “I wanted to.”  When the host says you didn’t have to, surprise him with, “That’s what makes it a gift.”  You will now have brought more gifts than the flowers alone, and you may thank etiquette for it. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you prefer blunt logic, you can always respond to a host who says you shouldn’t have and didn’t have to with, “Yes, actually, it’s expected” and see if you ever get invited back. 
  
  Assuming you want better for your kids than acting the clumsy fool, teach them early about the norms of etiquette within your circles.  Soon enough they’ll be on their own, but for now they are in training.  Take on a little at a time without overdoing the finer points for the younger ones. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  As always, set your best example most of the time and apologize when you slip.  You won’t be alone—you entire village is rooting for you and reinforcing the same lessons. 
  When you are talking to your kids about the polite forms of asking for a date or asking for a dance, use some old-fashioned good sense.  This is traditional and it is still so right: 

• Ask directly, “Would you like to meet for coffee or a soda?” or “Would you like to dance?” 
  
  Some polite answers we hope for are “Yes,” and even “No, thank you,” but we have no control over the answer.

• If we stay polite, there are limited responses to “No,” beyond “Thanks anyway,” but “Why not?” is not among them. 

• So when you follow etiquette, you’re covered, right?
  
  Yes, and you can still actually get to use your brain to expand on the rules. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When you bring a baby gift to a home with a toddler who is old enough to envy that the baby gets it all, bring the toddler a token gift. 
  
  Otherwise, expect a blank stare when you ooh and aah, gushing, “Aren’t you a proud big sister to your new baby?”  The toddler gift is symbolic.  It could be as small as a single balloon you blow up together with her.  If you think ahead enough to expect her to celebrate the blessed event, meet her at her level with a reason for her to celebrate.  The new baby is not enough—it is a rival. 
  
  This idea applies to the age range of two to six—old enough to know when she is being ignored and young enough to be a baby about it.  If unsure, bring the balloon or a bouncing ball. 

• Isn’t etiquette full of tired, hollow formulas?
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The fact that a common greeting like How are you is formulaic does not make it insincere.  You have to judge that by context and tone. 
  
  It may be worthless, but defining it as stupid by the fact that it’s a set formula is one-dimensional and also stupid. 
  
  When people ask how you are, with little interest in your long list of ailments, it does not mean they are not interested in you.  That is a misread.  Too literal and you miss the underlying thought:  It makes me happy to see you, I wish you well, peace be with you.  Greeting each other’s spiritual quality is the meaning of the Sanskrit Namaste, but it also underlies most any Hello. 
  
  As etiquette keeps the peace, so too must you pass it on down the generations, but wisely. 

• Can’t there ever be exceptions?
  
  When Daniel was 12 years old, we were visiting the home of good friends.  During lunch, their 17-year-old son came storming in from a weekend teen getaway that ended prematurely for him.  It was unclear whether he chose to leave early or not, and his mother was consoling him, but he was cranky because of his embarrassing treatment. 
  
  Since we were a captive audience, my attempt to soften the moment was to start asking a question.  Daniel by my side quietly told me, “Shut up.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Never, ever allow a kid to tell you to shut up unless he found that one-in-a-million moment when it was on point. 
  
  My son’s instinct to stay out of the matter was better than mine, and he needed to get that message across to me quickly and sharply.  Afterwards, I told him that he was right at that special moment, but was never to repeat that again.  He did not.  My challenge was to refrain from acting the divine moralist, feeling the sting of “Shut up,” and stay with the clear moral of not interfering with the teen’s humiliation. 

• One time, I was toying with the playful ring of street talk, a phrase that sounded like fashizzel manizzel.  Overhearing my slang, teenage Alex asked if I knew what it meant.  I had no idea.  It seemed to be slang for saying yes.  Luckily, Alex was looking out for me and my next faux pas. 
  
  Meaning only respect for my innocent mistake, he warned me softly that buried in the phrase was a substitute for a bad word beginning with an ‘n’ like Nancy.  That would be the last time that slang needed to come out of my mouth, even in play.  Lucky for me, my kids knew they could speak up to protect me from myself. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let the kids know they can always speak up to protect each other and us. 

Model Being Kind by Being Polite

“Is the Fish Homemade?”

Be loving, continued...

• Guerilla Tip:  Be polite and teach it early. 
   
  Never ever let the kids hear you use vulgar language that you do not want them to use.  If you do currently, start tapering off.  Watch what you say even on the phone in another room, when you refer to your mother-in-law or your ex, especially if the ex is parent to your kids.  After all, you cannot teach respect for the father and mother without teaching it as a unified lesson:  You cannot teach respect for the father while showing disrespect for the mother.  There were even the compliments dropped for the kids to overhear, “Rosey’s a great cook.  Better editor than I am, too.” 
   
  One time I picked eight-year-old Alex up from her house.  He was yelling at her for shoes left out of his overnight bag.  I waited until we were alone later to tell him that his mother was deserving of more respect.  He was never to yell at her like that for any reason.  Why she allowed it was beyond me, but that was her business. 
   
  It would have been just too perfect if Alex challenged my authority to rule on what was allowed in his mother’s home, on her watch.  Instead he just agreed, and I never mentioned that moment to her.  The authority that was there to draw on was my consistent lesson to my kids on honoring thy father and thy mother.  What I asked of my kids was a respect I was also demonstrating myself.  The dividends in that one lesson will show in the serenity of your home, too. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Build your own credibility early on by teaching the consistent message that kids must show respect for all adults, starting with both their mother and father. 
   
  Whenever my ex-wife would arrive to pick up the kids, I rushed them out because she was waiting.  Note this had nothing whatsoever to do with my own feelings for her.  I just knew that if I wanted the kids to hop when I am in a rush, I had to show that I expect them to hop for her, too. 

• As for teaching politeness, I heard Alex ask a hostess if a dish of gefilte fish was homemade, after she asked who wanted a portion.  I told him it’s not polite. 
  
  “But homemade tastes better.” 
  
  “Still you can’t ask.” 
  
  Then how could a kid find out politely if he wanted a serving of a dish?  We talked it over, such as asking for a small portion and deciding if you want more.  Another way is to say, “No, thank you,” and change your mind if the dish looks good when it shows up.  For five, he was not really being rude.  But the lesson had to begin that it is rude to ask if a hostess went to the trouble of making a dish herself or if she opened a jar.  Nothing compares to the taste of homemade, but what is important here, cuisine? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It is never too early to learn to consider people’s feelings.  The purpose of politeness is to be considerate. 
  
  It may sound like expecting a lot from a five year old, but that is how the lesson begins. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Any lesson is sure to take 50 gentle repetitions, so an early start means it can be learned by eight, not 18. 
  
  The Buddha said, “Be wise and fashion speech with your thought.”

• On vacation in Paris, we were guests of a local family.  A fresh fruit salad in a glass serving bowl was so tempting to Alex—now he was six—that he reached into the bowl for the last few berries, with his bare hands.  I just said, “Excuse me?” he said, “What?” and the hostess said, “It’s fine,” so he continued.  And I stopped him. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  No matter how gracious the hostess, parents still get to say “No hands in the serving bowl.”  Period.  Not for the sake of that hostess, but for kids to learn what flies and what doesn’t. 

• To continue in Paris, my kids asked for spaghetti with tomato sauce at a Parisian restaurant.  Really?  My parents’ voices played in my head, “We did not come to Paris for spaghetti.”  But the kids were on vacation, too, so if they wanted to order some comfort food, why lecture them on haute cuisine? 
  
  If your understanding of French standards for food is better than mine was, you guessed that the dish we were served was anything but humdrum.  It was freshly made and most delicious, and the kids continued to order it in Paris.  Everyone at peace. 
  
  A note is in order here about the infallible tradition and unquestioned standards of older generations.  Many of my mother’s dishes were very good.  Her mother was Romanian, and entrees were dipped in egg, then matzo meal, and sautéed in butter & onions for a dairy meal or in chicken fat & onions for meat.  But spaghetti sauce in my mother’s kitchen began with a ketchup bottle.  Really. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You are always free to rethink the infallible tradition and unquestioned standards of older generations. 

• Saying Oops 
  Last Friday night, entering synagogue for service, I couldn’t get in the doorway with a misplaced table and a boy of 11 or 12 standing in the way.  I tapped him on the shoulder several times as he made small attempts to give me an extra inch each time.  I still could not pass easily because of the furniture and finally whispered to the boy unfortunately exactly what I was thinking, “Would you get out of my way?”  As I was sorry for the words I allowed out of my mouth, he moved away and I walked in. 
  
  When service was over, I told the boy I was sorry if I was rough.  It would have been more honest to say I was rough, not if I was rough, but I thought it better not to define my words as rough unless he saw it that way.  As it turned out, he did not take it badly and just said it was okay.  I got off easy.  

• Saying Hello in Public when They Are Neither Kids Nor Adults 
  Pop quiz:  When you run into your teens at the mall with their friends, should you humiliate them by saying hello, or ignore them out of kindness? 
  
  Answer:  Both will get you into trouble.  Damned if you do, damned if you don’t?  Not at all.  You were brought up to know which is the polite standard, and that is the standard you will keep following.  Fearing your brat’s disapproval is not going to force you to abandon common courtesy.  Hello!  

• You may be thinking it is all a bit backwards here.  You may wonder about the overemphasis on how parents should treat kids with exquisite delicacy and honor.  You may be asking when this book is going to get around to telling the kids to honor thy father and thy mother, with traditions all the way from the Ten Commandments and on to the Bhagavad-Gita and Patanjali’s Aphorisms. 
  
  You will be glad to know that is all in the next book, because some writers cannot address everyone at once.  They are funny that way.  This book is addressed to parents, for parenting skills—it is right in the title, and so the focus is to speak to parents here.  The next book will certainly be telling the kids to treat you with great respect and to be forgiving of your flaws.  Instead of complaining that you are repeating stories which they heard before, they will tell you what my kids tell me, “You told us that story before and, yes, we remember it well.”  
   
  Just because there’ll be some changes made to the ways you deal with your kids, does not make you wrong in hindsight.  I will be sure to tell them.  A tentative title for the next book is currently under consideration:  

Handle Thy Father, Manage Thy Mother

And Stay Under the Darn Radar

• You think kids have it easy and we have the big struggles?  We all struggle, but kids have less power to choose how to handle things.  There are going to be many times when your kids cry over small things.  “My whole day is ruined,” four-year-old Salome H. of Highland Park, NJ said about a canceled play date. 
  
  You will want to tell them, “In ten years, you’ll laugh over this.”  Don’t.  That does not help at the time of hurt.  Listen a while, talk it out and ask them what they want to do. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids have a weighty moment, you cannot lighten it by deciding for them that it eventually will not amount to much.  Is all this therapy?  No, politeness. 
  
  My idea was to plan a shorter play date for Salome.  If you start with a short date, you can always throw in another 15 minutes if kids are playing nicely.  You know how easy it is to fall asleep when you are tired, but how hard it is to get kids to sleep when they are overtired or over-stimulated?  A long play date can be the same—too much of a good thing with no energy to spare for the graceful close. 
  
  Salome’s mother planned a one-hour date and also rehearsed her at accepting a no answer before going next door to ask for a play date.  When they rang the bell, they found that the neighbors were just going out, so it was not a good time for a play date right then.
  
  While it would also be so nice to report success for this experiment, we all know how much trial and error is at play.  Another day ruined and the tears flowed. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  After one disappointing experiment with a new technique, do not run for cover, but persevere.  Do not even refine your technique.  Give it a second or third shot as planned before going back to the drawing board. 

• Allow them to find their way. 
    Guerilla Tip:  Whether you are honoring differences in kids or adults, you have to do more than just appreciate the differences.  You have to feature your appreciation outright.  That is where the validation lies. 
  
  Expect little uniformity between any two humans, and show that you mean it.  Similarities, sure, but not uniformity.  Showing dignity for human variation plays heavily when it comes to cultural differences, too.  Acknowledge the worth of those differences even when you don’t understand them. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  When you come to understand the differences between kids, then you have it easy.  Before you do, you have the challenge of showing humility in the face of your own ignorance.  That is why God invented the poker face. 
  
  Tell your single friends to show grace with a poker face:  If your heart sinks when you first meet someone on a blind date, never allow your face to show it.  Smile with delight when you say hello, even if the smile feels like a lie.  Broadcasting open disappointment can crush your blind date.  While it may be honest, it is unkind and undeserved. 
  
  The Buddha said, “To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to your family, to bring peace to all, you must first discipline your own mind.  Control your mind to find the way to enlightenment, and wisdom will naturally come along.” 

• English writer Christopher Isherwood broadened modern understanding on the yoga aphorisms of Patanjali.  Any everyday conversation can have a spiritual base:  “Talking about God does not merely include the discussion of overtly ‘religious’ topics. 
  
  “Almost any topic, no matter how seemingly ‘worldly,’ can be considered in relation to the underlying spiritual reality.  It is not so much what we talk about, as how we talk about it, that matters.  Nor is it necessary to use such words as ‘God,’ ‘spirit,’ ‘prayer,’ etc., at all.  These would serve to alienate unsympathetic hearers and make them feel that we are setting ourselves apart from them on a pedestal of holiness.” 
  
  Isherwood concluded on behalf of Patanjali, “Remember that every human being is searching, however confusedly, for meaning in life and will welcome discussion of that meaning, provided that we can find a vocabulary which speaks to his or her condition.”  (How to Know God, 1981, page 147.)  

Set Rules for Your Own Best Behavior

“That spicy movie was fun!” 

• If the underlying goals for the kids are think for yourselves and respect your elders, what about us?  Be loving.  No tough love, just love. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Be as reliable and consistent as you can.  
  
  Inconsistency, other than for a logical exception, is not loving and not a favor to anyone.  Either you have no backbone—stubbornness does not count—or you have created chaos instead of a regular pattern any kid can recognize and follow.  Consistency equals reliability, which is so empowering to a kid, it cannot be emphasized enough.  When your kid comes to believe in your reliability, she grows up to be reliable, because she sees how valuable it is and valued by others, too. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Be calm and set a good example.  Be patient while they learn.  Be kind as they make mistakes. 

• In yoga philosophy, people move between three common moods:  passive, aggressive and grounded.  These moods have corresponding names from their Sanskrit roots: tamasic, rajasic and sattvic. 

A.  There are times to be tamasic—lazy, crashed out, passive:  falling asleep, rising slowly, accepting nursing care without argument when you are sick.  In its place, the tamasic state can be a healing state. 

B.   There are times to be rajasic—commanding, demanding, type A, aggressive:  fighting for your life for real, protecting your family from danger, rushing someone to the hospital, removing anything that blocks your breathing.  In its place, the rajasic state can be a lifesaving state. 

C.   And there are the times, the whole rest of the day, to be sattvic— grounded, cheerful, balanced, clear-headed:  staying calm but sharp and energized, focusing singularly on one key activity at a time, being neither wired nor tired.  The more spiritual that people become, the more hours every day they remain sattvic. 

Advisable

In the botanic gardens of Port of Spain, Trinidad, black flies were coming in for a fierce landing on the lemon ices in my hand.  My comment to a local was, “Eat too slowly and the flies will have it all!”  With a poker face, she said, “Oh, they’re bees; still it’s not advisable.”  I followed her sattvic advice:  Just as she did not panic, I did not panic, but quickly finished the ices.  It’s a Caribbean thing. 

Guerilla Tip:  Like the wisdom to be gentle but firm, stay sattvic with your kids—Keep your eye on what’s important, be there, be strong, be solid and reliable, be kind, be tender, smile with delight, laugh with enthusiasm, love freely and let resentments fall away. 

• How do you load a dishwasher?  One wife regularly asked her husband to do more around the house and followed up by criticizing his attempts.  For example, she would rearrange the dishwasher after he loaded it, because she had her own way.  He told me he would follow her way if she explained it, but discarding his work looked like she did not want it.  To reduce domestic friction where his help was not helping, he dropped that chore.  He dropped other chores over time, too. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It is a dated concept that a woman should work a second shift after a day of work out of the house.  A woman is no more responsible for the home and its chores than a man is when both work out of the house. 
  
  On the other hand, if either one wants more chores or anything else from the other, encouragement works better than demands.  If you fire a worker, are you surprised when they do not show up for work?  Despite folk wisdom, there is no such thing as constructive criticism, no matter who is criticizing. 

• There are many times besides parenting when you must figure out for yourself whether you are in a situation of asking a favor or of asking for something owed.  When I was a young single, my teenage sister, Sheara, came over for dinner.  Afterwards I asked her to wash the dishes, but told her the dishes did not look that clean when she was done.  It was a sour moment since she had tried.  A wise friend helped analyze the problem. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You cannot reasonably ask for a favor and then criticize the results.  If there are special standards, explain them upfront.  If not, the phrase you are looking for is “Thank you.” 
  
  Was asking for dishwashing really a favor?  That question took me a while to wrestle with.  Unless my sister agreed beforehand that one would cook and the other would wash dishes, washing was a favor that deserved appreciation.  It was always an option to rewash the dishes again after she left. 

• There are many boundary issues out there, not just parent to kid.  Pushing a back pocket in for another adult rather than saying something about it is crossing a boundary.  I know because I have done it, and it is stupid. 
  Mistakenly following the model of my upbringing, I was interfering in more than one relationship.  Never bossy, I was controlling, something I hated but did not recognize when I did it to others.  As for granting others their space and not adjusting a pocket for an adult, or a kid over 6, I had some learning to do. 
  
  Remarkably, I just had to ask this question to a therapist:  “But if I honor boundaries—helping more by actively doing less—isn’t that a manipulation in itself?”  He said “No, not all.  But if you want to see it that way, go ahead.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Deliberately not interfering in someone else’s personal space is no manipulation, it is respect.  If it nonetheless feels like you are being love-stingy, remember you are helping your relationship. 
  
  Sometimes you have to play the card needed, not the one in your hand. 

• Guerilla Tip:  Teach good manners, starting with politeness. 
  
  With five kids, my parents had a full table, so kids could use any fork that was practical.  However, we didn’t ask someone to pass the salt if we could reach for it ourselves.  In that setting, not asking someone to pass the salt was considered better manners than asking, which was akin to asking to be served the salt that was sitting right there. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Focus on the results of your manners, not on the manners themselves. 
  
  It certainly was annoying to me when Daniel, at 14, showed up at 4PM for a 1PM lunch on the Sabbath.  By tradition, a Sabbath meal is served in many leisurely courses, all prepared in advance and kept warm on the stove. 
  
  Late as he was, he still brought in two friends and they expected to be fed, God bless the hungry teenagers.  Other than the delicious satisfaction of letting my son have it for his lateness, discourtesy and selfishness, what would have been gained by getting it off my chest? 
  
  With the other kids and our guests finished with the meal but still at the table, I politely told Daniel, “Food’s back on the stove for you.  Help yourselves.”  Sure enough, they knew they had gotten off easy or you know they would never have volunteered to bus their own dishes into the sink.  Yes, of course I let them. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Unless you want to rule by bullying, you cannot shoot when panicked, and certainly not from the hip. 
  
  To be effective, you need to be disciplined.  No shooting off your mouth every time you're tempted.  A display of self control is a wonderful way to tend your garden.  Anyway, to plant a tree, you have to dig some kind of hole.  So make your moves count by making them studied.  A little planning for a nice reward, or careful planting for a huge harvest. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The results of good manners are never guaranteed, but there has to be something to reaping what you sow.  Even if not, who would then prefer to sow anger? 

• Years ago, World War II survivor Reverend Joe Ben David led a weekly discussion group focused on sharpening each participant’s self awareness.  Doris, ever hostile, walked in late one evening wearing a print dress of miniature flowers, and Joe remarked, “Doris, your dress reminds me of moss.”  “Thanks a lot,” was the best Doris could do.  “Do you know what moss symbolizes for me?”  “Sounds rotten,” she countered, “This I have to hear.”  Joe explained, “As a kid in the war, I was imprisoned with my family in a labor camp on Cyprus.  Hot and dry.  All the things I could dream about when we were starving and thirsty—moisture, softness and the relief to roam the cool woodlands of my Carpathian mountains—were embodied in moss.  Moss symbolizes that for me.”  Doris then understood the complement. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Pause to hear where a kid, or anyone, is coming from.  After that, understanding comes almost automatically.  

• No matter what you do for your kids, you cannot guarantee they will want to spend time with you as they grow up and leave home.  You can, though, act in ways that will guarantee the opposite.  If my kids asked me to get down and play some idiotic game on the floor, even though the game did not interest me, it was not good to say no.  Not for me and not for the kids—for our long-term relationship. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t be the killjoy to tell kids their taste is bad. 
  
  At seven, I regularly enjoyed some foolish TV comedy shows.  My mother popped my balloon by explaining the structure of the situation comedy:  Every episode creates a small problem and resolves itself within the half hour, hero intact.  Well, that took the joy out of any suspense of watching those shows. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Why shouldn’t a kid have peace in the simple pleasures that bring him joy? 
  
  Don’t criticize your kid’s taste.  Likewise, don’t be a Monday night quarter back and tell the owner of a purebred cat that there are so many unwanted kittens pining in shelters to adopt.  For what end?  If a friend is considering buying a fancy cat and is open to hearing a humane alternative, go right ahead.  Use your golden opportunity to be kind to animals and to humans at the very same exact time simultaneously.  Just check first by forming a question like, “Any chance you would also consider adopting a Domestic shorthair or a kitten from a shelter?”  See, cats are never mutts, they are Domestic shorthairs that came with the American pioneers. 
  
  After seeing a disappointing movie with my kids, it would have been easy and honest to say it was bad.  But why spoil what they liked by criticizing it?  Even after the silliest movies about girls and spices, I could always muster, “That was fun!” 
  
  Your opinion as parent carries a lot of weight and, therefore, validates or invalidates your kid’s self-esteem.  Even if you were the arbiter of good taste, are you asked to judge a kid’s fun? 

• When my kids asked why I didn’t like some TV comedy about ‘friendship,’ I confessed it was not much more than who was sleeping with whom.  Well, that comment helped the kids understand more than I wanted them to.  I thought they knew the plots were about sleeping around, while they thought plots were about who's dating whom.  So I was sorry I gave it away to 7-8-9 yr olds.  Since they had not realized it before that, it was a shame it came out of my mouth at all.  I was sorry I revealed such an adult spin on the plot lines of their show, since they had not gotten that so blatantly.  So we started watching it together, so I could get my commentary in. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Better to watch bad TV with your kids and put your spin on it than to leave them to their own devices. 
  
  Watching the shows, I could at least forward my agenda, not those of the TV producer or some school friends:  Be selective in who you date, beyond their looks; be honest in your dealings; don't keep unnecessary secrets from your friends.  These moments meant more than whether the show was repetitive and superficial—I was not. 
  
  Why let society take over where I should be in charge? 

• When I was 30 and changing careers, interviewers often asked about a college degree, and the interview would not have continued without the right answer.  However, it did not much matter about my specific major (math) or grades (poor), only having the right answer. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  What should kids study in college that will serve them well in life?  Any subject that interests them. 
  
  That interest will get them through four years better than the abstract concept of a useful career. 

• Traditionally, the Book of Psalms is attributed to King David.  In Psalm 15, David begins with a rhetorical question to the Lord, “Who will be worthy of your tent?” and responds, “Whoever can live on higher ground day to day.”  But exactly how do we keep the high ground in daily life, to remain spiritually worthy 'of your tent'? 
  
  Fortunately for us, David is at the ready with a rich recipe for living the truly good life, conveniently formed into a modern bulleted list. 
  
  Here is David’s 12-step program for living the spiritual life every day: 
  

David’s Rules for your Own Best Behavior	David’s Rules Applied to the Parent with High Ideals
Walk with purity.	Carry yourself as a role model for the purity you want for your kids.
Act justly.	Let your kids see that in your actions, beyond your words, you do the right thing by them and by others.
Speak your truth, especially to yourself.	Level with your kids—They can take it.
Watch what you say about others.	Set an example of not telling tales out of school.
Be a model neighbor.	Be a model neighbor as a role model for your kids.
Treat your family with dignity.	Never embarrass a kid, and apologize if you do.
Judge for yourself if praise is deserved or not.	Offer no empty praise.  Do not reward misbehavior.
Honor other humble seekers.	Honor kids for their pure vision.  Give credit where credit is due; not just for results, but for effort.  We are all trying.
Stand by your word at any cost.	Honor your commitments, even to kids.
Be scrupulous in your business dealings.	Don’t take advantage because kids are weaker.  Teach the value of money and fairness.
Nobody bribes you or buys you off to make dishonest decisions.	Nobody bribes you or buys you off to make dishonest decisions.
Build these activities into your daily life, and you will never falter for long.	Persevere and reap the rewards for yourself and the kids.

Twelve psalms after this 12-step program, the poet asks for daily help to live by his beliefs (27:4), “What I once asked of the Lord I now keep asking:  Let me live in the Lord’s house each day of my life.”  The poet is not asking for a quantity of years, but a quality of life in the moment day by day. 

Psalm 15 is timeless for its simplicity and tenderness.  The night after translating it by chance, I attended a friend’s funeral and was asked by chance to recite none other than Psalm 15.  This interpretation is dedicated to the memory of Jon Steel, Jr., who once phoned me to say I was too rough on my kids.  It is easier to see it from the outside. 

• Meditating in a holy atmosphere, that is the easy part.  Carrying that purity out into the daily world is where the real work begins. 
  
  Prayer in a temple and stillness at a waterfall are easy.  With or without words, the good feelings flow automatically.  A waterfall emits negative ions that produce a feeling of great physical calm.  This is more than just the awe of meeting nature where she lives. The immediacy of prayer is there at the Western Wall in Jerusalem, the Bahai Temples of Chicago and Haifa, St. John the Divine and St. Vartans Greek Orthodox of NYC and the meditation rooms of ashrams like the Ananda Yoga Center of Monroe, NY.  And, forgive me, even in drab airport chapels, there is something there.  That is why the world’s popular holy places are so popular.  The spiritual feelings are served up on a silver platter.
  
  How about everyday life, with its bombardment of demands? That is where we need clarity of vision and serenity the most, especially as parents.  That is when it is the hardest to cut through to the still point of the examined life.  Do your best. 

• In a Sabbath-observing home, last minute doings are the norm before lighting candles on Friday night.  Since many activities cannot be done after that, rushing to do this and that was my regular habit.  Being cranky, not wanting to be interrupted, saying keep out of the way, issuing warnings to bother me later—all bad.  “Whatever you’re doing,” Shevy remarked at 10, “you’re doing to yourself.”  That really slowed me down.  Why prepare a nice meal for the family and be rude in the process?  What was the point of the hysterics and what was it doing to my relationship with the kids?  That was my key concern. 
  
  So, after Shevy interrupted my crankiness, my behavior changed.  Last minute chores dropped to one or two.  I delegated more by asking the kids to help me with specific tasks.  Or I asked softly to hold off on any long discussion until the candles were lit, as in “Let me concentrate on that in a few minutes.  Remind me, okay?”  Then, whatever did not get done would not matter any more, and my ears were back open for business. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Whenever you find yourself running around, check your reasoning.  Ask why.  Who made you?  For what purpose?