“This is my vacation, too.”
- Changing techniques
What techniques have you been using that do not produce the results you want? Do you want to stick with them because you know them like an old worn-out shoe or because you gave up?
Perhaps you hope soon to get better results with the same techniques. If you do, remember that is something Einstein himself defined unfavorably. If you are striving for serenity instead, a change in techniques may reward you with better results.
Guerilla Tip: If a change were called for, who would make that change, the kids?
If you are serious about switching from a bad technique to a good one, you must be willing to give up on the bad one even before replacing it. Go on and fire that sucker.
Otherwise, you are keeping weeds in your lawn because at least they are green. That would make sense only if you have more weeds than grass. If true, why hold on to any of it? Your home may need an entire overhaul, which comes highly recommended by Machiavelli. He said that bad arrangements need big rearrangements, not a little weeding here and there. His writings spoke extensively to remodeling leadership in government, but apply to leading better at home as well.
Guerilla Tip: As Machiavelli said, when a system is not working, the less you keep, the less of the bad remains.”
Since so much in parenting is trial and error, a new rule may or may not work. What you know for sure is the old rule failed. That is proven, so you have nothing to lose by removing it without necessarily having a successful replacement. This isn’t like climbing Everest.
- Improvising
With me, improvising is the jazz of living. Kids, though, crave regularity. During the process of divorce, I learned to formalize how I would run things on my turf. What did my parents do well, what needed overhaul, what could I learn from other successful parents?
On the first of four days in Disneyworld, their insistent demands overwhelmed me. Picture watching three growing kids by yourself in a rollicking ‘park.’ Next, take the sky ride together, dangling high above the park for a mile, and sit unbuckled in an open air car. The horrible thought of jumping out or pushing someone out came over me and would not leave my head. That fantasy, even with little worry of acting on it, was still upsetting. A friend later gave me some comfort by confirming how frightening such a fantasy would be. No wonder my nerves were shot.
I went to bed studying why I felt so harried, showed impatience and raised my voice. A change was called for so my sanity had a healthy place to return to. It seemed some new rules were in order, and my followers would have to follow my lead. After all, who got us there, fed us and treated us? But first, I had to think through what new rules and consequences I wanted—the keys to getting better results.
Guerilla Tip: Always begin with the results you are after.
Next morning, I spelled out the big plan: “You each get $10 a day on anything but caffeine sodas (at home, I gave them warm flavored milk I called children’s coffee.) I will buy us one ice cream a day, so don’t spend on it. You also lose twenty-five cents for anything I view as misbehavior.”
It worked the very next day. Because of their different personal styles, Shevy and Alex held the daily $10 themselves, while Daniel felt it was safer in my hands and wisely asked me to hold it for him. On the day after that, he wanted a wonderful $20 hat if I could extend him the $10 of the following day. Since the hat was a very good choice, I agreed but warned him not to ask for even one extra quarter the next day, which he honored.
Over three days, only one quarter went missing because of misbehavior.
- Limiting thumb sucking and pacifier
It is hard to pinpoint it, but there is something annoying about seeing five-year-olds walk around with pacifiers. Maybe it seems like the parent is not helping the kid mature past the suckling stage. Maybe it isolates the kid, who cannot talk to other kids with that thing in the mouth. And maybe it shuts the kid up so the parent is happy.
With my kids, Daniel was addicted to baby bottles of diluted apple juice, Shevy to her ‘passy’ and Alex to mother’s milk. Somehow at three or four, Shevy bought my lines that “Pacifiers are for the house. Leave it home so you can find it later,” and “Passies are for nap and bedtimes, only. Leave it next to your pillow, so you can find it later.”
- Toilet Training
Does your toilet-training kid say he does not need the toilet before heading out for a trip?
Guerilla Tip: Before leaving home, tell them, “Okay, just sit or stand at the toilet with open pants and don’t do anything for five seconds, then we’ll go.” They’ll go all right.
- Interrupting
Ever see real parents or TV parents dismissed by their teenagers? Sure, there are generation gaps that are hard to bridge. Some of the problem originates from both sides. When I sensed I was being dismissed, I let the kids know it did not work for me.
Guerilla Tip: If you come home and kids do not want you to interrupt them from playing or from watching TV long enough just to say hello, do just that. Interrupt them.
Tell them you want a greeting when you come home. Nothing fancy, “Hi, I’m in here on the computer,” is fine.
- Taking Charge of Releasing Control
Judy P. of Highland Park, NJ confided the other day that her son grunts when she questions where he has been (Read, leave me alone.) She wondered what I did when a 19-year-old doesn’t want to talk (Read, leave me alone.)
Guerilla Tip: If a 19-year-old wants to be left alone, leave him alone.
It is better to tell him you see he wants his privacy than to argue and lose. Judy said she might try some version of “Sorry if I was prying” the next time he grunts an answer. That comment replaces her resentment with an offer to give him what he craves—more space. Again, 19, not nine. Leaders say, “Find out where the crowd is heading and get in front.”
Guerilla Tip: Whenever we try to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine—like asking to be invited where we are unwanted—we have ourselves to blame when we end up whining for the lack of whiskey instead of enjoying the wine.
- Reducing Fussiness
On the question of going only where we are invited, Roselyn B. of Edison, NJ used to invoke her grandmother, Bubbie. Warm, wise and ladylike, she lived with the family until Roselyn was 18. Bubbie believed you can simplify your life by not fretting over invitations.
Guerilla Tip: Bubbie’s rule says go when you’re invited, don’t go when you’re not and don’t fuss either way.
- Reducing Headaches
Does your head hurt when the kids ask endless questions, Why, Why, Why?
Guerilla Tip: Every new headache begets its own measure of correction. If kids gives you a new headache, give them a new yardstick, “I need a break after the third Why.”
Note that the yardstick does not wrong them for asking too many questions—you want to encourage curiosity in childhood. The limitation is yours, and you should have no problem setting your limits, because you still want to head off the headache.
Guerilla Tip: Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t settle for a bad deal, either.
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