Use Dispassion for Time Out

“Gravity has no anger, but neither does it negotiate.”

•      Time Out, as seen on the streets and homes of the USA, always struck me as some new kind of mind game, complete with recriminations and sermons, yet somehow politically correct.  Without being impolitic, I found it clearly ugly.  I could do better all by myself.  Rethinking Time Out is an example of how to look at what is usually done, judge it by your own standards and decide for yourself, star or a stinker?  If you agree the usual Time Out is just manipulation repackaged—a wolf in sheep’s clothing, all puffed up and thinking of itself as newer and kinder, warm and fuzzy—finding a better technique should not be hard.
  
  To me, all parents using Time Out sounded exactly like this, “That’s it; I’ve had it with you.  Go to your room.  Look at me when I’m talking to you.  You get time out.  Big time out for a big tantrum.  Five minutes; no make that ten with that face you’re making.”  Fifteen minutes later, “Are we ready to rejoin polite society?  Do you know what you did?  What did you do?  Can’t hear you.  How do we feel about what you did?  Will you do it again?  Can’t hear you.  Will you do it again?  Why not?  How will you behave next time grandma gives you a wet sloppy kiss and you object because no cash was involved?  Can’t hear you.”
   

•      By great contrast, I got almost immediate results with a different take on Time Out.  For that take, I got a session of coaching from psychologist Howard P., PhD of North Brunswick, NJ.  For a peaceful shift when staging a Time Out, try P-SHiFTS: 

1.  Pull your punches—With a tone of complete dispassion, say, “That’s Time Out for shouting.” 

In the zeal to apply a stinging punch to nasty behavior, I often wanted to signal my shocked reaction.  That is honest emotion in play, but it does not fit into this technique.  Show no reaction to the misbehavior.  Pull back on the passion, and let Time Out do the heavy lifting. 

When crystal hits the floor and breaks, the floor is not angry and punishing the glass.  Gravity has no anger, but neither does it negotiate.  That is how Time Out works.  Hide your passion, hide your anger.  Just here. 

2.  Say no more—No discussion is allowed once you announce Time Out, “But the fork didn’t even touch her skin.”  Gravity has no anger, but neither does it negotiate. 

3.  Hold the kid’s Hand—Don’t send the kid away, but take him by the hand and park him in the most neutral room behind a closed door.  Doesn’t have to be his room, but if you’re toilet training, don’t involve the bathroom. 

4.  Keep It Fixed—Time Out is a set time no matter the infraction, and five minutes is plenty.  I have seen two used for a two-year-old, three for three-year-olds, and that works. 

Time Out does not judge how severe the misdeed, it just hits.  Too long of a Time Out, though, allows the kid too much time to plan a strategic counter-offensive against the reigning leadership, that’s you.  But five minutes of quiet—that’s good.  Time enough to come up with a new rule, but don’t announce it quite yet.  Savor that for later. 

5.  Set a Timer—Use a cell phone or timer to clock the announced time, instead of watching the time yourself.  Because the timer makes the situation less personal, you get to say, “When the timer rings, Time Out is over and you can come out.” 

6.  Say no more—When Time Out ends, there is no discussion whatsoever about the misbehavior.  Time has been served, The End, unless the kid wants to talk about it.
 

• Is sitting in place required during Time Out?  No, why would you really care?  If they make mischief, Time Out starts again. 
    
  Guerilla Tip:  If a kid in Time Out comes out early, Time Out starts again.  If the kid peaks out the door, pretend you don’t see.
  
  What if the kid won’t stay in all?  That is harder, but you can hold the door shut at first.  If he pulls, Time Out starts again.  However, never lock a kid in a room.  It can be unsafe in a fire.  Also, it can send an unintended but sadistic message and introduce phobias nobody wants. 
   

When cooped up in the car, kids sometimes fought over a toy and brought the whole mood down. 

Guerilla Tip:  Time Out is for toys, too.  “That’s it, hand it over.  The toy gets Time Out for starting a fight.” 

•      You can even put yourself in Time Out whenever your system is down and you need to reboot.   

•      If Time Out is new to you and you want to try it, find a peaceful time to explain it to the troops.  You can even use a transition day. 
    
  Guerilla Tip:  As you introduce Time Out or other new rules, point out, “That is just the sort of sass (fill in your favorite) that will get Time Out starting tomorrow.”