“When you miss your curfew, I will make it earlier.”
- At 10, Daniel was asking how late he could stay out on a weekend.
Guerilla Tip: To stay on top of things, stay one step ahead.
We agreed on 9PM, but with one warning: “When you show up after nine o’clock by this clock, curfew will change next time. I will decide how.” He made it that time and every time. What pleasure it gave me hearing him running up the stairs always two minutes early, no matter how late the curfew moved to over the years.
- Daniel at about 12 had to wake up early for school one week but was not turning in early enough. We discussed it and I warned, “You are getting old enough to help choose your bedtime, but when you have trouble waking up, next bedtime will be 15 minutes earlier to fix that.” It did not look like he got enough sleep that night, but with that setup, he certainly woke up quickly the next morning!
Hold kids accountable for their actions. At the same time, hold yourself back from over-personalizing their mischief. Say you left pets alone for the night and they got into mischief out of boredom or stress. If you conclude they were punishing you for your lateness, there is the over-personalizing. Your conclusion is a guess, it is all about you, and you have no idea if your guess is true.
Daniel always wanted to find out how things worked. To find out, he often had to take things apart. In other words, test how well they are held together by breaking them open and looking inside. Get the picture? Could have been destined for Quality Control.
It was not until after an expensive car repair on the passenger-side power window that it became clear how it broke. With the motor repaired, the same kid was again pushing the window down hard while pressing the power button to raise it. He wanted to see which was stronger. Oh. What he showed me was how the window motor had broken to begin with and what to tell him absolutely never to do again.
There was plenty of “It was an accident.” Sure, fumbling with grandma’s crystal and dropping it is accidental, but getting your grubby fingers on it in the first place is not. Step away from the crystal, please.
Guerilla Tip: Holding kids accountable for their actions is a gift to their growing maturity and will simplify your life.
Making a mistake driving is an accident. Making the mistake of driving drunk is negligent. So, too, dropping grandma’s crystal is an accident, but picking up delicate crystal in the first place is negligent.
Proudly for us both, Daniel today works as the chef of a stylish restaurant. So it must be true about breaking eggs to make an omelet.
- If your thinking is very different from mine, the idea of staying one step ahead may be foreign, easier said than done. Here is a structure for staying a step ahead. Skip this if you don’t need it.
Say you don’t like setting rules or your kids fight back so hard it doesn’t seem worth the struggle. Then you know that if you start setting boundaries or making other changes, you will get pushback. No surprise there. That is a given and knowing it is going to help you.
Guerilla Tip: After you set down rule A and expect kiddie response B, you’ve got to come up with a smart step C at the ready.
Step C is the natural consequence of getting step A wrong. The trick is having next-step C prepared along with A, not as hard as it sounds.
You are the adult, so you are not surprised when kiddie response B hits. It’s coming like clockwork. Step-ahead C works as a pair with the core of what you ask for in A, and even colors it. It all boils down to a one-two punch, with a polite moment in between for the kid to argue back, bless his soul.
Example: - Step A—You give him permission to go to a party with a fixed curfew for returning home.
- Step B (his big comeback)—The party might not be over by then.
- Step C—Find your own voice to stay a step ahead …
Recommended: “Sorry.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“Go till 9 or not at all. Your choice.”
“Understandable, but 9PM is the latest we can do.”
“Would 9:15 sharp help? Do you want to straighten that bookcase now, and you can return at 9:30?”
—Smile and stand your ground.
Less Recommended: “So, three hours at the party’s not enough? What’s your problem?”
“Why do you like parties anyway, not happy enough here?”
“Party, huh? Are any parents going to actually be home?”
Are you arguing with me? No backtalk. Don’t question me!”
—You are closing a deal, not picking a fight.
See if you can get a refund, quickly: “All right then, midnight, maybe. But that’s it, okay?”
“Party huh? Beer, drugs, hooking up? Yeah, great.”
“You were always trouble, now you’re grounded for a month.”
—You could be following better.
- If the kids were dressed up and sent them out to play, it was important to me to make extra sure to tell my boys to watch their clothes if I wanted to tell my daughter to watch her dress. Or, my suggestion was to change so she could play freely. Or, let them all to run and play, then deal with the consequences later. Kids wore washable cotton anyway, right?
Guerilla Tip: What’s fair game for boys is fair game for girls, and vice versa. Boys will be boys? Bad behavior is not excused by a bumper sticker. Although there are differences between any two people, I see few differences that are consistent between all boys and girls, all men and women. The variations between male and female mostly seem learned, as differences in style. If they are picked up from the environment, so be it, but it is not our place as parents to instill what society is busy doing all by itself.
- In the balance of nature and nurture, nature means you deal with what you’re dealt. Nurture means you train and guide according to your goals—total silence at mealtimes, should you value that. Not me. But when you nurture, you still have to address the raw material at hand, thereby tailoring the strategy and tactics you use for each kid.
Guerilla Tip: The same rules to achieve the same goals might not work for different kids due to differing constitutions. Watch for those differences.
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