“One more minute and that’s it.”
- Remembering how magnetic the TV screen was for me, I got the kids off to bed after their TV hour passed with a little trick—granting them a grace period.
Since an abrupt end to TV would be murder all around, I stood by the TV that should have been shut off and said, “One more minute and that’s it.” I did not walk off and forget, but remained by the TV. This tiny grace period made a huge difference in getting my results: bedtime now and peace now. No gruffness, no gotcha and no issue of whether they deserved any grace—I deserved it for myself and granted it all around. Kids still had their moment of closure, saving face, winding it down and it all worked. Simple works.
Guerilla Tip: Imagine a landlord showing up for overdue rent, yet still offering a day of grace.
Offered mercy, wouldn’t you be more inclined to go along if you could?
- In finding ways to model the respect we want to give and get, sometimes parents have to wait for the just right moment. When Daniel was rough with Shevy, I would interfere to protect the weaker one and restore peace.
Then at bedtime, he always asked me to tuck him in. It was the right moment to talk to him when he was calm. My question was why he thought, not if he thought, he had played so rough. If he said his sister deserved it, I disagreed, but at least we got the words out there that he might have been rough.
Guerilla Tip: When kids defend their harsh actions as being deserved or provoked, point out that they just admitted their own actions were harsh.
Take your cue right there and explain, “Your sister’s actions are for me to address with her. Right now let’s talk about how you acted—you can control that.” The provocation part—she started—is a separate issue to address with the other party.
- When kids got into trouble and denied being responsible even a bit, it offended me, but invited me to calmly counter with my own math.
Guerilla Tip: Ask them, “Could you admit to being 5% responsible?”
With such forgiving math, I could get an admission of 3%, better than the zero owned up to before that. At least the 3% showed there was more to the story than the original one-sided story.
For a kid who is able to handle a task but afraid of it, give him some rehearsals.
Guerilla Tip: Build up bravery by taking the kid’s hand for a ride.
1. When you notice a kid is not just hesitating but stuck at a task out of fear—unlocking the front door at six—offer a hand.2. Offer, “Want me to take you for a ride? Put your hand on top of mine while I use the key.” Offer the ride two or three different times.3. Change roles to ask, “Want to take me for a ride? I’ll put my hand on top of yours while you use the key.” Ask for the ride two or three different times.4. Now for the live performance, say, “Please use the key, my hands are full. Good job, now you’ve got it.”Good job, now you’ve got it.
Guerilla Tip: Do not overdo praise for achievement. You can spook a key moment by calling undo attention to it.
- Kid not talking much at two? He gestures to an apple and expects you to deliver it as usual? You may have been reading his mind, so he had no need for words, a very common first-kid syndrome. Here are a few steps you can take to demonstrate the advantage of using words:
1. The next time the kid gestures for an apple, say, “Apple. Here’s an apple.” In the Mister Rogers technique, you add, “Can you say apple?” Expect no special results, but do this a few different times.2. After that, build in a little delay by playing dumb, “Apple? You want an apple? What is it? Oh, here’s an apple.” Do this a few different times.3. After that, you withhold a bit more and say, “You want something? What is it? An orange? Oh, here’s an apple.” Do this as often as you need to get results, but always hand over the apple before too long. He should get it before he starts first grade.
- Think baby steps just are for a six-year-old? Think again. Shevy at 16 needed further practice for her driver’s license, but was knotted up. The first road test had left her spirit broken, starting with fumbling to spray the windshield wipers. The tester barked, “Then how’ll you wash it if there’s bird s**t?” Startled by the foul language and tone, Shevy lost her confidence and was told in short order to pull over—she failed the road test and had to retake it.
Even though we practiced on quiet streets, Shevy soon became overwhelmed, so we stopped and talked. Although it made sense to call it a day, I asked her first to get back into the driver seat and just turn the engine on, then off. Like getting right back onto the horse that threw you, the goal was not to move her on to the next step, but to end the moment on a good note of success.
Later, a friend told me what techniques she used when she gave an adult driving practice. Suzanne R. of Highland Park, NJ, said it was mostly a matter of getting many, many hours of off-road practice building the driving muscles with no fixed goal in mind. And that is what Shevy and I did at Rutgers’ parking lots. I drove us there and back. She set the pace. If she noticed another car parking or practicing driving, she stopped and we took a break. It was hard not to say go get ‘em, girl, you can do it, but we just gave it time.
Luckily, Shevy was able to schedule the road test in Rahway, NJ, on an off-road course, with no surprises like strollers or trucks. We drove there for an off-hours rehearsal, but a sign, ignored by others practicing there, warned that practicing was not allowed. Why was it frowned upon, to give the nervous student confidence?
In the end, when she was good and ready in skills and confidence, she took the test and passed it.
- Modeling the words you want also works for gracefully correcting grammar, like when the kid says, “Daddy, I brung you a rock!” All you have to say is, “You brought me a rock! Thank you.”
My kids came up with all sorts of constructs: Daniel’s ‘sicketating’ for sickening and ‘chudders’ for together (each other); Shevy’s ‘breckest’ for the morning meal; and Alex’s ‘alligator’ for the mechanism called a lift in London, and ‘plastic surgery’ for poking holes in the dining table’s clear disposable tablecloths.
- As a regular customer at a vegetarian restaurant in New York City, I became friends with the people who ran the place, a circle of Seventh Day Adventists. Their gracious attitude was infectious.
The menu had one price for filling a single plate at the lunch buffet, but there was an extra charge of one dollar for the all-you-can-eat deal. The sign actually called it all-you-care-to-eat to reduce the heroism of piling food onto the plate and throwing most of it away. Paying at the exit, newcomers often argued about the extra dollar. Despite their many visits to the buffet table, they said they did not know they would be charged the extra dollar.
Guerilla Tip: In business, hard to follow prices cry out for mercy—and some changes. In the home, hard to follow house rules cry out, too.
Instead of arguing with the customer, the cashier always accepted the lower price graciously, allowing that it is an easy mistake—the first time.
Guerilla Tip: Valuing embarrassment as more serious than losing a dollar is a loving mitzvah, easy to spot and hard to perform each and every day.
Say you want a kid to try a new food at home or at a restaurant, like a crinkle-cut French fried potato when you usually serve straight fries. First argument you might hear is, “I don’t like it.” Here is a comeback that starts a graceful experiment, not an argument.
Guerilla Tip: All your favorite foods were once foods you never tried before. It’s okay to try something new.
Assuming that gets you nowhere, you still do not have to shrink from selling your agenda. Break down the steps you want, don’t look for instant success and accept where the kid draws a line.
Here is a fun riff you can tailor that is very effective if you are willing to say “Ah” each time you get cooperation and “Okay” whenever the cooperation ends:
1. Here’s a game—can you touch one fry with a finger? 2. Can you pick it up in the air? 3. Can you put the fry down and touch your lips? 4. Can you taste something on your lips?
5. Can you bring one fry to your lips? 6. Can you balance it on your tongue?
Okay, you’re done. Good job. You like it? Yeah, it’s very good.
If this technique is new to you, it may look like the baby steps are a lot of work, but since it is so effective, you will be happy you tried it.
Guerilla Tip: All your favorite techniques were once techniques you never tried before. It’s okay to try something new.
Okay, you’re done. Good job. You like it? Yeah, it’s very good.
- A big part of modifying behavior is exposure to the challenge or the change.
Guerilla Tip: If behavior is to change, the exposure to the change has to be experienced as safe. And safety is retained by taking baby steps out of the comfort zone, not leaps.
Most kids can tolerate small changes; most cannot tolerate big changes. So the key is keeping changes small, as perceived by the kid.
- King David says that the right way is to have the grace to just give without fretting (Psalms 37:21). Note that in the original, the word for giving is rhymed with grace, Vetzaddik chonen venoten. David contrasts this generosity with the stinginess of not even repaying what you originally borrowed.
- Like many boys, one of my sons at five would become so preoccupied playing with friends that he put off going to the bathroom. When he starting pinching the crotch of his pants, though, his body language called for just such a visit. “Do ya need the bathroom?” I would ask, but he would say no to keep on running around without end. I persisted, “No? Just keeping it warm?...” to remind him that he certainly did need the bathroom and, if not, would be better off not making a public habit of that body language.
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