Harness the Power of Words

“May I have a 50% raise?”

Many of my ideas are language-based.  Not English, but the use of language to express.  At 20, Alex told me that—I had not even noticed it myself.  Language and the ideas represented by the words are closely tied. 

 

·   Example 1:  When the kids questioned a decision I made and asked why, where did you come up with that, how’s that fair? I had a ready answer. 

Guerilla Tip:  If they are asking you why, ask them why.  “Are you asking why so you can challenge me or so you can understand me?”

“If you are asking so you know how to challenge me, you don’t get an answer, sorry.  If you are asking so you can understand my thinking, I will tell you if that ends it, no backtalk, end of conversation.  Now, please tell me which you want, to challenge or to understand?”  Very powerful. 

Swami Satchidananda, founder of Integral Yoga Institute where I taught yoga classes, once introduced his talk to a large crowd by saying that he would answer questions later.  He pointed out that he was aware of two kinds of questions:  “There are questions when you want to know an answer, and there are questions when you want to know if the other person knows the answer.  I will answer both.” 

·   Example 2:  As a wordsmith, I try different ways when I want to say something important.  Say I want a raise at work.  I try a few approaches, worded different ways.  I learned, however, to give up if I am still struggling at my sixth try. 

Guerilla Tip:  If you cannot find the right wording, it may be that the idea itself is all wrong, not just the wording. 

If the raise I want is a 50% increase—been there, done that—it will likely take endless tries to find the right words to express my reasoning reasonably.  Because the goal itself—asking for 50% more—is not likely to be seen as reasonable.  Again, the words and the underlying meaning are closely tied. 

·   I did my best to be really clear with my kids.  Partly from that example, partly from their nature, they did the same with me.  When I said no to something but the kids insisted a bit, sometimes I would just say, “Cut it out.” 

Guerilla Tip:  Occasionally, you can hit them (it’s an expression) with this zinger, “Wait a minute.  Give me a chance to reconsider it, and I’ll get back to you on that.  Here it is:  No.” 

When my kids would say they were thirsty, what they wanted was something to drink, nothing more or less.  If we were away from home with no juice box or any beverage, I might say, “Here’s an apple,” meaning, no juice but something juicy.  They wouldn’t take the apple, because as they said, they were thirsty. 

Guerilla Tip:  It is actually a very good thing when kids know what they want and can express it. 

Still, they could have taken the apple. 

Yesterday, I saw a three year old on his toes, struggling in a men’s room.  He had a hard time reaching up to anything, so he asked his father to move in closer behind him—the boy wanted to step up on his father’s boots to be a little taller to reach.  A clever trick they probably used before, and good that the boy knew to ask. 

·   Daniel came home once and tried out a new phrase on his mother, a phrase he learned in nursery school.  She was not sure how best to handle it since the phrase sounded like “Shuddafuggup!”  I wanted to know if she had parsed the sentence for him, pinpointing the operative word.  She told me she was so stunned, she did not respond, which was excellent.  I said, “When he repeats it next, just say it’s rude language which we don’t allow and we don’t explain.” 

Guerilla Tip:  If you want bad language or fighting words to die the quickest death, give them no power.  That way, they will fade for the lack of care and feeding, dying naturally in their own time. 

·   You know that in the terrible two’s, from about a year and a half to five, kids feel their oats and will readily say no to any question asked? 

Guerilla Tip:  Craft your questions so the answer you are guaranteed to get is the answer you wanted anyway:  “It’s cold outside, do you want to be cold?  No?  Okay, take your jacket with you.” 

I often got, “I promise I won’t be cold!”  My answer:  “Fine, don’t put it on, but I insist you carry it to the car in case you change your mind.  It’s freezing outside.”  For this approach to work, though, you have to steel yourself for the 10 seconds it takes for the kid to step outside when it is icy cold and realize for herself that the jacket is worth bothering with.  During the 10-second period, childhood will obligate her to announce, “See, it is not so cold!”  Just tell her to hold the jacket anyway.  And wait. 

However, I got fewer no’s than other parents by setting it up before the terrible two’s arrived:  I avoided using the same old no for every old restriction. 

Guerilla Tip:  Instead of “No running,” try, “Slow down.” 

·   Instead of “No touching,” I said, “Hold this instead.” 

·   Instead of “No trampling Mrs. Bumblefolk’s flowers,” I insisted, “Hey, stay on the sidewalk.” 

·   Instead of “Don’t use your hands”:  “Whoa, the pan’s too hot.  Potholder’s right there.” 

·   Instead of “No yelling”:  “You’re yelling.” 

·   Instead of “Not allowed”:  “Stay safe,” or “I want you quiet now,” or “Leave that alone,” or “Give me one minute.” 

·   Instead of “Stop spitting”:  “Close your mouth.” 

·   Instead of “Never run with scissors”:  “Keep your hands free.” 

Guerilla Tip:  If you limit your conversation to a single, all-purpose catch-all like ‘no,’ expect your kids to do the same in spades.  If true for a two-letter word, double that for four-letter words. 

So many people live their lives on automatic.  “No this” and “no that” is mindless parenting.  Kids have limited vocabulary, so what we say better be simple.  Simple, but not the one-word sentence.  No is a reflex; expand on it and have a little conversation.  If you limit your kid’s vocabulary world to a black & white, yes & no, don’t be surprised when they see only black & white. 

·   Think the psychology of positive energy is just for kids?  In retail sales, there is a guideline of not saying no to a customer, but suggesting instead another benefit to offer.  So rather than saying you cannot extend a sale that already ended, you show the customer a similar item that just went on sale.  If necessary, you say, “I wish I could accommodate you otherwise.” 

·   Olga G. of Nanuet, NY used the most natural way to teach safety actively.  Instead of empty warning to her toddlers that a hot stove and oven are dangerous, she showed them.  She held their hand near enough to feel the heat and not enough to scare them, saying one word, “Hot!”  One lesson and they got it.  In that lesson, the oven served the role of trainer.  Also, the lesson reinforced trusting, by proving that when Mom says there is danger, there is. 

Guerilla Tip:  Lead the kids into wanting to avoid danger themselves, “Yes, I’ll be staying away from that one.” 

Just another reason to stay positive. 

·   When you focus on age appropriateness, you need to explain matters to kids in terms they can readily grasp.  At five, my sister Sheara asked about the biblical story of Dina, a violent story of rape and kidnap.  Our brother Rachim wondered how we could explain that to a preschooler.  I offered, “Somebody grabbed Dina, hugged her and kissed her, but she didn’t want it and she felt terrible.”  Done. 

One summer vacation, I was arranging to fly standby to the Mexican Yucatan with Shevy and Alex.  Dealing with the possibility that we would not get on the plane at all, Shevy asked why we had to go standby at all.  I told her standby tickets would save us a total of $600, but she gave me a blank stare.  After all, to a six year old, $600 is a big number, but how big?  I told her that $600 would buy ‘her’ 100 movie tickets at the time, and her eyes lit up.  That she got. 

·   At no more than four, Shevy told me more than once that she was afraid of having babies.  Maybe she heard there can be pain in childbirth, but it broke my heart to hear such a concern coming from someone so young.  Also, she thought when adults get married, kids automatically come along.  It killed me to say it, but I told her in terms she could hear that there is medicine for all of that—meaning that adults have ways to address carrying a baby and delivering one—which calmed her down. 

Guerilla Tip:  Not everyone is meant to have kids, and no one needs to be faulted. 

·   Shevy left me a phone message before she left for camp at 11.  “I wanted to say I love you, I’ll miss you and stuff like that.”  I never knew a word like ‘stuff’ could be a key word for me when spoken by an 11 year old. 

·   There is a big difference between “I need it,” and “I want it.”  While they want everything, they need only air, water and beans. 

Guerilla Tip:  Next time they insist they “Need it,” tell them, “You mean you want it.” 

·   Coming from an upbringing with excessive insistence on doing someone else’s will and performing it in exact ways, I make a special effort not to be so insistent with others. 

Taken to extremes, some people are fearful even to express an opinion.  Some waiters won’t say what’s good (“Everything!”) and won’t offer a suggestion (“Every taste is different.”)  No actually, some like soup with more or less salt, but not half salt.  Despite different tastes, critics write reviews because people do agree there are zones of success and failure. 

My workaround is asking what’s popular.  There’s a reason a dish is popular, probably the way it tastes.  So when I take friends to a place I know, it is not hard to point out, if asked, what dishes are my favorites.  Then it is up to them. 

Guerilla Tip:  If you don’t like your current situation, find a workaround.  Trust me, there is almost always a workaround. 

     Help kids deal with life’s frustrations by using words to say it out.  Sometimes, we are unexpectedly forced into playing a nurturing role when we are neither parent or therapist.  Like a skillful parent, you can give someone in a ‘state’ a chance to state her story—a simple fact, a disappointment, a wish. 

If an Alzheimer’s patient forgets that a spouse is dead and asks when he will be coming, there are many things you can say without lying that are more helpful than saying he is dead.  You can say he will not be coming today, and that is true as far as it goes.  You can recall what the couple used to do together, and that points to the good memories.  You can ask what would be wished for on a visit, and that allows the imagination to speak. 
  Guerilla Tip:  With kids, if a play date is called off, treat the moment seriously if the kid takes it that way.  Model how to use your words as you ask them to do the same. 

Forget that the moment is fleeting for you—it should be for most adults.  But when a kid feels frustrated, you get to teach how to handle frustration.  Start by agreeing that a cancellation is no fun, and perhaps the last play date had been a lot of fun. 

Guerilla Tip:  Be grateful when you are handed an opportunity to demonstrate adult skills in action.  To be clear, frustration tolerance is a big one. 

Here are three stepped options based on what you feel and how closely you can identify with the kid’s setback.  When you find yourself in one category, you will know how to proceed depending on how you as a particular parent feels—not how a theoretical one might feel.

1.    I would hate it myself—Admit it if you personally dislike a change of plans:  “I’m the same way; I just hate a change of plans.” 

2.    I might not care, but can imagine a kid would take it hard—If you would not react to personally dislike a change of plans not, say, “I can imagine you’re upset for the change of plans.  I can imagine it stinks.” 

3.    I can’t imagine why anyone would care, but my kid deserves validation for its importance to her—If you can’t even imagine what would be so upsetting, you can still rise to the occasion with the following home run:  “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I can see you’re upset.  Hang in there, I’m here.”

When things calm down, ask your kid if there is anything that could substitute for now. 

The question is how to play it honorably and helpfully, no matter how you feel.  There is absolutely no need to dishonor yourself with fancy lies.  No, you can honor the adult without twisting the moment or kidding yourself, all the while honoring your kid. 

Guerilla Tip:  Honor yourself and your kid. 

• Remembering and Forgetting

           I had two complementary agreements with my kids with regard to remembering each other’s ‘stories.’ 

•      I remember—If I started telling my kid an old story again, I would get a polite interruption, as I asked.  They would not roll their eyes, “Lord, here it come again,” or worse, humor me by letting me go until the end when I realize, by their lack of reaction at the punch line or moral of the story, that they have heard it all before.  Instead, a kid would say, “Oh, I remember.”  What a pleasure to hear instead of the usual alternatives. 

•      I don’t remember—If I forgot a detail of my kids’ school, social or work issue, I would just get a reminder.  No hint of “How could you forget?” or “My stuff’s not important to you?”  What a pleasure to hear instead of the usual alternatives. 

     Guerilla Tip:  Life is too full of remembering and forgetting each other's stories not to be respectful in this area.