Remove the Net Slowly

“I know nothing but my own daughter.”

• 
  
  Let your kids know how important they are to you. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell your kids they are the most important thing in your life, but not the only thing in your life.
   
  That statement is no insult.  It conveys you love them more than anything else, and you also have other interests.  You love them but do not rely on them for life’s fulfillment.  You do not depend on them to keep you going.  That is your job—to be dependable.  They can depend on you. 
  
  You may experience the empty nest syndrome when they leave later, but you will get past it because, as you told them, you have other interests. 

•     Demonstrate trust
  At 17, Shevy was going to an all-girls New Year’s party at a house with a hot tub.  Her friend’s worried father asked me how much I knew about the family the girls were going to.  Remember, 17, not seven.  Granted that his daughter was the very youngest of the group, I told him, “I know nothing about the family.  I know my daughter.  I trust her.”  Boy, that felt good. 

• Demonstrate respect for self-determination
  When Alex was back on a college break, we were reading after we finished dinner.  Probably past midnight, he told me he was no longer living according to the orthodox ways he was brought up.  I said I appreciated that he felt he could tell me.
  
  I did not tell Alex I was disappointed—I had no intention of raining on his parade.  Nor did I say I was disappointed in him, proud that he trusted me was more like it.  For some reason, he thought I would go ballistic.  Although I was sorry about his news, I was happy he felt he could tell me when he was ready. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids are old enough to run their lives, they are old enough to run it their own way. 

•      Starting, Continuing, and Stopping
  Teach your kids that in most activities there are common stages when people trip themselves up.  The Buddha said, “There are only two mistakes you can make along the road to truth:  not going all the way and not starting.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Help your kids identify and compensate for a pattern of getting stuck starting, continuing, or stopping activities. 
   
  Below is a list of signs of getting trapped in one stage.  Try them on for size for yourself first, then for your kids:
   
  Starting—You cannot break the spine of a book to read the first page. 

•     You often delay assigned work that is hard to do because you feel overwhelmed. 
•     You cannot allow yourself a reasonable amount of time to fix something at home. 
•     You usually leave things for the last minute. 

Guerilla Tip:  Watch when procrastination blocks beginning a project. 

Giving seminars in procrastination is something I always imagined.  It could even help the Type A personality lighten up, but I always feared the anticipated rescheduling. 

Guerilla Tip:  When starting is your kid’s issue on tackling a daunting project—Start right now, work on it for exactly 15 minutes, then stop.  Do not press on, but get some sleep.  You’ll feel better because you’ve achieved something and you have already started.      

     Continuing—You cannot practice enough to improve at a musical instrument you chose to learn.

• You cannot concentrate on a task to get through a solid amount of work.

• You rarely maintain momentum to stick with a problem and solve it. 

• Your priorities frequently change, interests shift, frustrations arise or interruptions call.  As a result, you get much less done than steadiness would accomplish.

Guerilla Tip:  Watch when distractibility blocks staying with a project. 

              Stopping—You cannot finish packing for a trip. 

• You cannot say the job is ever finished and move on, as something always needs to be added. 
• You usually drag out the final step. 
• You never feel the job is good enough to leave it. 

Guerilla Tip:  Watch when perfectionism blocks ending a project. 

Don’t get stuck at your passions or your obligations.  Not at the start, go, or finish point.  Buddha says you have to start somewhere and go somewhere.  Do it, and don’t get stuck in the process. 

Guerilla Tip:  Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the perfectly good.  

Please do not follow this idea because Buddha advises it.  It is the idea that is universal and is exactly what Buddha was originally trying to convey. 

 Guerilla Tip:  Listen to the wise, but discover the timeless truths for yourself.  

• Starting, Continuing, and Stopping—more
  In public presentations, there is a related little rule for the minimum preparation you need:  Write out your first sentence, your outline, and your last sentence.
• Your first sentence gets you out of the gate and past the block against starting—it’s all set, just say the words you prepared. 
• Your outline gives you a structure for continuing along—it’s all mapped out with the basic plan of what you will cover if you follow the skeleton you prepared. 
• Your last sentences gets you back home and past the block against ending—it’s all set, just say the words you prepared as you finish your outline before you ask for questions.

• Running Early and Late
  Teach your kids how to schedule themselves. 
  
  Being a procrastinator and always running late, I noticed that when I am scheduling myself, it is not lateness I worry about.  I worry about the horror of being too early and having unwanted time on my hands. 
  
  Recently, I was much earlier than usual for worship, but far from early.  Lo and behold I was sitting there wondering what people actually do with all this extra time on their hands.  We were supposed to be praying, but my mind was wandering on and on, which I could have done anywhere.  Focusing on avoiding earliness, latecomers err on the side of being late. 
  
  On the other hand, when you run early, you worry about being late.  Lateness could be rude, inconvenient for others, or reflects badly on you.  Focusing on avoiding lateness, early birds err on the side of being early.

• A Mix of People, Things, and Ideas
  Teach your kids that every job is a mix of people, things, and ideas, but either the job focuses on one, or we do. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Help your kids identify the kind of life’s work that has the right mix of people, things, and ideas that suit them best. 
  
  When you are having problems with a job, try to switch focus.  If your problem is people—boss is giving you a problem—switch your focus to things, like getting the work done more carefully or quicker. 
   
  If the problem is ideas—you are on burnout as a teacher struggling to get the ideas in the required curriculum across to an inattentive class—switch your focus to people, like simply caring about the student experience.  In no way does focusing on the students mean giving up on content or letting them run the class.  It means you can approach the material in other ways if you want.

• Demonstrate trust that increases over the years
  Half a year later, after graduating high school and turning 18, Shevy was planning to go out with five other girls to a nearby club.  With the New Jersey drinking age at 21 and $10,000 fines for serving alcohol to minors, clubs are very careful with underage customers.  They set up certain nights with a special structure for younger customers who will not be served alcohol.  For example, a beer from the over-21 room does not leave the room. 
  
  Shevy wanted me to give her permission but also to call one friend’s parents to help them over their objections.  As my daughter pointed out, all the girls were weeks away from college and making their own decisions on just such issues.  When I spoke to the other parents, they asked me, “So, you are okay with it?”  I surprised them with “Not at all, but they are not 15.  If they are going in a group, why stand in their way?  If not now, when?  How will they try their wings?” 

• Listening to the Radical Parenting of a Bold Minister   
  In the context of Christian living in the late 19th century, a minister who wrote extensively about raising spiritual children was Ellen Gould White.  Among all American non-fiction authors, male or female, E.G. White is the most translated, and like any outspoken theologian, she was not universally accepted.  “The slave is not the property of any man,” she wrote.  “God is his rightful master, and man has no right to take God’s workmanship into his hands and claim him as his own.” 
  
  Radical for her time, Reverend White was seen by some as prophet and by others as less than original.  Like my mother, she had four boys and her share of practical experience to draw on.  Her childrearing guidelines have produced excellent results witnessed in today’s hectic world.  Without defending or detracting from her, if she had true wisdom about childrearing, let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.  Enough time has passed to judge the teachings by today’s visible results, not yesterday’s speculations about who had divine inspiration. 
  Here, hand-picked selections are introduced for their stark simplicity. 
  
  In an 1877 letter:  “The work of education and training should commence with the babyhood of the child; for then the mind is the most impressible, and the lessons given are remembered.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Begin life’s lessons early. 
  
  In an 1890 Pacific Health Journal:  “Children should virtually be trained in a home school from the cradle to maturity...”  The home is a school, and you are training your kids every day.  Every parent is a teacher. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Whether you homeschool or not, you are homeschooling every minute the kids are with you. 
  
  In an 1897 manuscript:  “It is the parent’s duty to speak right words ... Thus before reason is fully developed, children may catch a right spirit from their parents.”  She goes on to suggest that parents can draw on God’s love and duplicate it as they pass it down the line “to the tender flock.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Choose your words wisely, as they will be remembered. 
  
  In 1923 Fundamentals of Christian Education:  “...the child must be taught to control himself.”  Although you can guess where she often goes with this, her core idea is to teach independence through the reasoning mind.  Mid-20^th-century child psychologist Haim Ginott would have agreed on the same truth:  Communicate with respect and give kids a chance to uncover their own emotional power.  Similarly, Swami Rama wrote, “Repression is dangerous, but control is helpful.”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you want your kids to grow into their own as intelligent adults, take a leap of faith and deal with them as intelligent listeners.  They’ll get it. 
  
  Because “the will must be trained to obey the dictates of reason,” White suggests gentle logic, never treating your trainee as irrational and submissive.  Otherwise, “A child may be so disciplined as to have, like the beast, no will of its own, his individuality being lost in that of his teacher.  Such training is unwise.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you are a controlling parent, you will generate poor decision-making in your kid. 
  
  “Children thus educated will be deficient in firmness and decision.  They are not taught to act from principle; the reasoning powers are not strengthened by exercise.  So far as possible, every child should be trained to self-reliance.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Treat each kid as an individual work of art. 
  
  “By calling into exercise the various faculties, he will learn where he is strongest, and in what he is deficient.  A wise instructor will give special attention to the development of the weaker traits, that the child may form a well-balanced, harmonious character.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Rely on reasoning, not rote, for the tailored approach. 

• Preparing for the years you are both adults
  Your relationship with a kid changes with the years, and the largest part will be when you are both adults. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Eat healthy, get a little exercise and without exaggeration you and your kids could have 40 to 60 years together as adults. 
  
  Prepare for those years.  The years when you are the adult in charge of the kid are precious few. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Set up respect for each other early, honoring differences and adjusting to emerging changes in tastes. 

• Recognizing that you’ve done a good job 
  It’s all in the way we talk and act.  The other day I called Shevy, who’s away in college.  She was out with friends and asked me if it was okay to talk the next day.  Next day, I thanked her for being direct, gentle, giving me a reason she really couldn’t talk then and asking me if it was all right.  That’s my baby. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t expect big kids to drop what they are doing when you call.  Just show them how to deal with it kindly. 

• Stop giving advice
  As kids grow up, you can relax about your job and reduce the amount of advice you give.  Although advice is a gift—we can always say thank you and use or discard later—it can feel like instructions on how to live that are no longer appreciated. 
   
  To convey the information without sounding like you know better, just describe your experience.  Your kids may draw on your wisdom or ignore it as they choose. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell them, “This is what did and didn’t work for me, and you can judge for yourself.” 

• My parents liked to retell a charming incident they once witnessed in a Jewish neighborhood.  A woman of about 80 called after a woman of about 60, probably her daughter, “Hitzach vie di gaist in gass!” or, “Careful how you cross the street!”  At the age of 80, the mother might well have been told by the daughter to be careful crossing the street instead. 
  Guerilla Tip:  In the eyes of the parent, our kids will always need some shepherding, and we will always care about their safety, too.   

• Swami Rama of Bengal, India wrote, “…love is the most ancient traveler…it goes on traveling indefinitely until the last breath of its life, through various avenues of experiences.” 
  
  

• A mother of Passaic, NJ was shocked when her 19-year old reported that someone held a gun to his head in a drug deal that was going bad.  Her reaction: “No wonder you have been under so much stress lately.”  Notice she went only from her heart to his and not to condemning him.  From what is visible on this woman, there is no way she would know anything about drug deals, what advice to offer, or what rules to set for her son on the subject.  Instead, she did what she knew how to do, to offer love.  If he chose to tell her about it, he chose to connect.  Let others judge, but you can salute her wisdom. 

Guerilla Tip:  You cannot know what rules to apply to every subject, but you can always apply love. 

• A man in a parenting workshop was having trouble with his boy of 19.  He remembered that when his son was 11 and joined the family from foster care, the boy asked if he could drink from a baby bottle at the dinner table. At 11.  For the father, the request was startling but so minor that he allowed it.  Although the habit faded by itself within a few months, the man wondered if he did wrong. 

  Most parents would never have put up with using a baby bottle eight years past its due date.  Ugly choices included labeling the boy a big baby.  Guerilla choices included negotiating a compromise such as allowing a sipping cup but not a bottle, limiting the bottle to weekends or to a finite two-week period or to water alone, or asking that the bottle stays out of sight in a bedroom.  The beauty of the father’s solution was to honor that the boy had maturely asked permission and to see that the request was not worth an argument.  The comfort value to the boy of being able to regress may have been major compared to the father’s minor discomfort. 

  Guerilla Tip:  Take a chance on your kid.  In hindsight, you may decide you were wise to avoid conflict.

Be There to Protect Them

“With modern vulgarity the way it is…”

• Sigmund Freud believed strongly in giving kids protection and affection.  In Civilization and Its Discontents, Freud wrote, “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.”  There is no need to restrict the protected feeling to the father alone; a mother can be as strong a 'source.' 
  
  In A Childhood Recollection, he wrote, “If a man has been his mother’s undisputed darling, he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it.”  There is no need to restrict the well-loved feeling to the mother alone; a father is 'not seldom' an equally good source. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  According to Freud, parental protection is most valued during childhood, and parental love carries through as confidence and success in the adult years. 

• During travels or mall shopping, there would always be times the kids needed to use public restrooms.  Bringing my daughter into the men's room did not feel modest, once she was three or four.  To send her into the ladies room alone did not feel right either, so I would pick out a nice woman or teen walking in and ask her, “Would you mind being an escort?  My daughter doesn’t need help, just a companion.”  Although there was no guarantee that the new escort was a safe escort, it was I who had picked her out, asked her to be big sister and waited right outside the whole time.
  
  For my sons, sometimes it was impractical to escort them into the men’s room as they got older.  So when sending them in without me, I left them with this guidance: “Wash up with soap, and don’t make any new friends in there.” 

• My mother’s mother did not read much besides magazines, but she
  must have liked poetry.  Here is what Nanny taught me on a long visit to Tampa, FL at 10: 

Way down south 

Where the grass grows green
A bulldog jumped in a sewing machine.
Sewing machine went so fast
Put three stitches in the bulldog’s a__.

 
She asked me not to repeat it to my parents, which made sense.  So I waited to tell them until I got home—not to get Nanny in trouble, but because the poem was a scream for a Florida grandmother though mild and harmless for a 10-year-old New Yorker.  Since Nanny thought it naughty, I just had to tell.  Oh, they were angry at her, for sure. 

Of course, in guerilla parenting, you can turn a kid’s compulsion to tell all to safety’s advantage. 

Guerilla Tip:  Tell your kids, “If an adult ever tells you to keep a secret, you can tell us right away.  When adults share secrets with kids, it’s not allowed.” 

• At eight, I was going to the dentist myself.  Today that sounds awfully young.  With a system very sensitive to pain, I learned to ask when any drilling was needed, “Could I have novocaine?”  I asked for it quickly, to numb the tooth before the dentist started. 
  
  I remember often arguing with the dentist for it, “Could I have novocaine?” when he would suggest that numbing was unnecessary for a small cavity.  “Could I have novocaine?” for a third time did it.  It was not the dentist who would feel pain.  There was no way I was going to suffer if I didn’t have to, and if I said I needed it, I did.  The shame was that a third grader had to advocate so hard for himself, but I had already figured that out at home. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Advocate for your kids when they are very young.  They should not have to do that work themselves.  Over time, teach them to stand up for themselves. 
  
  The muscles to advocate for your own needs are all-important and must be built up over time, but no heavy lifting for little ones, please. 
  
  My mother was proud that at my delivery, the doctor proclaimed, “He has some set of lungs!”  Based on my screaming reaction to his slap on the bottom, that might have been a quick save for slapping too hard—or for a system very sensitive to pain, even for the standard slap of yesteryear.  Today, slapping is no longer considered the only way to welcome a newborn and initiate his breathing. 

• When my kids were ages 10, 11 and 12, a convicted pedophile came to town.  While everyone has to live somewhere, I used the moment to address the matter of safety, in context, with my kids.  It was time to tell them two stories of violation that happened to me as a kid.  My message was unfortunately that my parents gave me no support but that I would be there if my kids needed a net. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell them you will always listen and will act to protect them. 
  
  These incidents serve to enrich the picture of the school of hard knocks I attended to reach some self-awareness.  For me, they would barely be worth retelling except for how my parents blocked me from taking any healing action when I reached out for support and for closure. 

• At eight, I was grabbed by a big, retarded boy named Lenny, who kissed me on my lips.  I was disgusted but petrified.  Was I sending off signals?  Was I gay?  I told my parents how bad it made me feel.  I said I wanted to call his parents up and tell them to keep him away from me.  Not missing a beat to identify with the oppressor, my parents convinced me that Lenny’s parents probably had enough to deal with and would only feel worse for the news.  I had to let it go. 
  
  I let it go so well that today I recall it with full fidelity and can transcribe every detail for the first time, especially my parents’ advice to protect the bully, not me. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  And we wonder why victims wonder if they brought the attack on. 

• At 16, I attended a religious weekend away from home and met the Rabbi in charge.  I will call him Rabbi Pedophile, or Rabbi PP for short.  Three times over the weekend, he shook my hand and let his hand fall to brush against my zipper—not an easy trick when the teenager is short.  By the third time, I was sure the pattern was deliberate, but what could I say to an authority figure?  Was I sending off signals?  Was I gay? 
  
  On Saturday night, Rabbi PP cornered me and said something bizarre like, “A sexy guy like you must masturbate twice a day.  Do you?”  He could have been offering his assistance or just being nosy, but either way, I knew he had overstepped his boundaries. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Only because of overt vulgarity do we sometimes have the confidence not to respond, but to walk away. 
  
  I was petrified but brave.  Learning nothing from the Lenny incident, I bravely told my parents what happened and that I wanted to call Rabbi PP’s wife and speak my truth.  I wanted an apology and I wanted someone watching this PP. 
  
  No, it would be too upsetting, better not.  But why should a toll be taken on the self-esteem of a kid?  Forgiveness would not be free, but paid by the victim.  PP and my parents were showing me that my boundaries, apparently, did not deserve to be respected.  Out of the box, I also offered we could call our own rabbi to address it, as he had some acquaintance with PP.  No, again.  And we wonder. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If the clergy find offense when a victim points a finger at other clergy who, entrusted with our kids, mishandle them instead, the offended clergy are identifying with the oppressor. 

• If you are the oppressor, shame on you. 

• If you knowingly protect the oppressor, shame on you. 

• If you blame the victim for either being victimized—the victim already does that—or for speaking out, shame on you.

• I took action for Alex when he was 13.  He first mentioned that a man we knew who substituted at school told a stupid but vulgar joke when they were both facing the wall in the men’s room.  If the joke had been clever, this is exactly where it might have fit.  I put that in my bonnet, but no pattern yet. 
  
  When we saw him next, at our pizza shop, the man mentioned how handsome Alex was and I thanked him.  Thank you, and there was my pattern of unwelcome attentions, so I prepared a specially packaged warning for him. 
  
  When I saw the man next, I told him privately that with modern vulgarity the way it was, I was trying to clean up my own family’s environment.  He did not need to know I actually have no problem with well-chosen vulgarity for adults, and I can be vulgar at times.  I was setting the stage for my point to him alone. 
  
  Therefore, I said, if he ever noticed vulgarity of any kind around my kids, even bathroom humor, he should please tell me so I could correct it.  He agreed and the pattern ended.  I reported back to Alex to let him know that I served the offender notice. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let your kids know how you handled a delicate situation. 
  
  P.S.—In hindsight, it might have been no coincidence that the man was in the men’s room and could engage my son in conversation and jokes. 

Deal with Bigger Subjects, Bigger Kids

“My father beats me.”

• Rejecting Corporal Punishment
  Spanking fell from grace a long time ago, so it was time to find other means of communicating my displeasure.  Especially after Daniel told a school nurse that he could beat on a buddy because his father beats him.  That was not true, and I got a clean bill of health from a child psychologist who evaluated him.  But I cut out all physical punishment because it was time.  The psychologist discovered that the smallest pat on the behind was getting magnified in the kid’s mind, so it had to go.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  As yelling is a natural substitute for spanking, watch out for that one, too. 

• Handling Kisses from Strangers
  If they are strangers, tell them you know they mean well but they are making your kid uncomfortable.  Stand up for your kid’s personal space.  There will be many times your kid will have to do the same without you around. 
  
  If it is Auntie Esther thinking it is okay when it is obviously unwelcome, ask her to find another way to express her deep love. 
  
  When Daniel was in second grade, he told me he was embarrassed when I kissed him on school grounds or in front of his friends.  He thought he was too old for it, or maybe other boys weren’t getting kissed.  I told him my father kissed me, and I did not intend to stop.  However, I wanted to honor his discomfort and his asking openly and politely.  I offered to substitute a coded kiss in public for a kiss on the cheek.  He asked what that would be.  I had no idea.  I was hoping he had a suggestion.  I said we could wink an eye, and he bought that.  A wink is what it became for a number of years to come, until we could hug and kiss again in public. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A kiss can express love, not kissing can express it, and winking can, too. 

• Assigning Household Chores
  If you want to give them chores, great.  If they resist, give them a reason to go along, like, “I know you don’t I want to vacuum, and I don’t want to drive to the mall.  But please vacuum and I will drive you.  Deal?”  A business deal has to work for both parties or it won’t get repeated, that’s for sure.

• Setting up an Allowance
  Fix an agreement on what the allowance is and what you expect in return, perhaps a household chore or a restriction on how the money is used.  Then hold up your part of the bargain and expect the same for the allowancee.  Tell her like you mean it that you will cut allowance in the second week if she falls down on the job the first week.  No harshness involved—sticking to the announced consequences is giving your kid respect, the respect of holding her accountable for her actions. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If she does not deserve the respect of accountability, she is too young for an allowance. 
  
  For dealing with two-way expectations of money, see Invent New Rules As You Go.

• Getting Your Agenda out
   Sometimes driving with my kids, I would see laborers doing roadwork, sweating in the sun.  That is when I would get my agenda out to the kids:  “See how hard those guys are working?  Their boss is somewhere in an air-conditioned trailer.  Who’s wording harder?  And guess who’s getting paid more?”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell your kids, “Remember, when you grow up, you want to be the manager.” 

• Getting Dressed 
  As summer day camp turned into fall nursery school, four-year old Shevy kept insisting on wearing her sundresses.  That got old pretty fast as weather in New Jersey cools come September, and a loose, sleeveless cotton dress is just too light.  She wanted those dresses while more warmth was called for, so it was time for a compromise: A light cotton turtleneck first, then any sundress she wanted. 
  
  Looked ridiculous to me, but she got what she wanted and was still dressed for the season, a win-win all around.  The teachers wanted to know if she dressed herself—oh, yes she did.  Privately, a woman told me my daughter’s clothes didn’t really go together.  I already knew that. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let’s not be greedy about how many areas of their lives we get to control. 
  
  Even at two or three, kids want some control.  Even if they do not ask for it, increasing their self-direction is how we prepare them for the independent adults they must eventually become.  Give it to them in the form of choices you already know you can live with: “Red or blue sweater?” not “Would Daddy’s darling like to put on a coat before she runs out into the snow, or is it her preference to drink a six-pack for dinner?” 

• All winter, my mother liked keeping the house at a constant 75ºF, hot and very drying with a forced-air heating system.  Every morning for several winters, my throat was irritated and scratchy.  I would ask father to check for a sore throat, always hoping to stay home from school, which was painfully boring. 
  
  When he looked down my throat, he would usually say it looked red but asked if it felt bad enough to stay home from school.  In that area, he gave me some leeway in deciding on the school day.  Precisely because he made it no issue, no forcing, it was easy to say okay and go off to school.  It felt good to know I had some say in the matter. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Kids like to have some say in the matter. 

• Spending Money and Talking about the Value
  Shopping for food is a good time to talk about balancing good health with good taste, but also about money.  Talk about getting your money’s worth, sales and discounts. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Math practice is so much easier where it counts, and it is tangible in the market. 

• With a Bar of Chocolate, Breaking Up is Hard To Do
  When my kids had to go through the painful process of sharing—and no treat is ever so big that it is easy to share—my rule was that one divides it and the other chooses a piece.  With this construct, kids build up the most powerful geometry muscles.  They learn eye-hand coordination in dividing the oddest shapes into the most evenly equal pieces.  So much is at stake. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Math practice is so much easier where it counts, and it counts when you have to split a bar of chocolate. 

• Limiting Risky Access to the Internet and Beyond 
  How you get to the Internet, like Yahoo, varies.  But all web browsers let you limit what kids can see on the Internet—especially when you cannot supervise them.  For example, you can block violent sites from all connections or you can lock in different settings for each kid’s password. 
  
  Microsoft suggests four tips to protect kids online: 

• Blocking sites—Decide what sites a kid cannot go to.  Some browsers have Content Advisors that itemize ratings so you can block online “Depiction of alcohol; Depiction of weapon use.”  For better or worse, ratings are self-regulated.  Meaning that each website answers a checklist, which leaves room for interpretation. 

• Securing your computer—Prevent kids from downloading material either bad for them or bad for your computer.  Only you will do downloads. 

• Checking history—Check up on what sites they visited, long after the fact.  Use Internet settings to set online history to 14 days, giving you plenty of time to check.  While the list is easily deleted, tell your kids there will be no deleting.  With some browsers, Control‑H brings history right up. 

• Teaching personal safety—Insist that no kid ever gives a stranger a full name (nickname maybe), address, phone, personal photo or a meeting in private.  Ever.  Kids find it very hard to say no to strangers—though not to their parents.  With such identifying information, a stranger with an agenda has one foot in the door. 

Guerilla Tip:  If they balk at Internet limits, no problem, no Internet. 

Usually you can find Tools or Options that give you choices of Internet Settings you can switch on and off, and then Lock.  Let’s be clear that nothing is foolproof and nothing more valuable than talking to your kids about the things that concern you. 

Guerilla Tip:  Without being graphic to frighten a four-year-old, explain that some strangers break rules and deserve Time Out.  Some can play tricks on kids, even be selfish or cruel. 

I opened our front door to a stranger when I was alone at 12.  She insisted she was a census taker, and I finally caved.  My parents were furious when I told them, but a kid is almost powerless, at least at a disadvantage, against an insistent adult.  Hence the manipulative, “You have to help me find my lost puppy,” used by kidnappers.  Thank goodness the census taker was simply pushy at her job and no more. 

• Babysitters 
  Sitters are a gift from above, but you need to choose wisely.  If your kids generally accept sitters and tell you they didn’t like one particular sitter, that sitter does not return. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If there is a problem with someone who comes in contact with your kid, even if you cannot pinpoint it, trust your kid anyway that something is off. 
  
  No need to repeat it or wait for a pattern to emerge.  No need to fire or embarrass anyone—The contact with your kid ends.  Even if a sitter won’t read a bedtime story or sing a lullaby, that sitter can get lost.
  
  When a fellow worker, Manny R. of NY, NY, worried about a sitter, I asked if she was new.  Manny explained that since their four-year-old was born, he never had a sitter other than family.  That explained the concern about the sitter. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Do not wait until your kid is four to use a sitter and get out of the house for a little adult time.  A non-family sitter teaches the kids that the world is filled with many people who can also be trusted. 

• Taking the High Road, when the Low Road is Ugly—Divorce
  A breakup is unpleasant by its very nature, because if things were good, you would still be together.  If there is friction, it does not get better by itself, but you can rethink things and improve them.  To take the high road when things get rough, get some distance and take control of the tone of your current situation.  Ask yourself, “How do I want to remember the relationship?”  Naturally, blame won’t butter your parsnips. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You may have to begin looking at a failed relationship with a big one, mourning the dream that died—the dream that the relationship would last forever. 
  
  Turn the anger you feel now into pity for your ex’s limitations, and then eventually into prayers for the ex you once loved very deeply.  Send out positive energy if that is how you want to be surrounded.  If that sounds like wishful thing, well, will you get there by broadcasting a lot of negative energy?  Also, the kids will see an outstanding model, and you may even get something positive back from your ex … occasionally. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Remember, you are not obligated to say every stupid thing that comes to mind. 
  
  In Sayings of our Sages, rabbinic student Shimon Ben Zoma said, Ayzehu gibor, “Who is strongest?  Whoever triumphs over impulsiveness.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Self control—it’s an invaluable hidden asset both for yourself and in dealing with others. 
  
  Or so I have heard. 
  
  Be shrewd and draw boundaries.  Insist that all agreements be followed as written.  As seasoned schoolteachers know, you must start strict and you can soften later. 
  
  My schedule of seeing the kids was not bad:  twice a week for two-hour dinners, plus a Saturday or Sunday every weekend.  When on occasion I was asked to shift my 6:00-8:00 dinnertime to 7:00, I would say I was happy to do a favor by switching to a 7:00-9:00 slot, if that would help.  When I heard that 9:00 was too late to end, I asked if it was better then to leave it at 6:00-8:00 or to switch to another night of the week.  Those were the choices I would offer, not shortening my time to a rushed one-hour dinner.  Each choice involved doing a favor to be accommodating, but chopping off an hour of time with the kids was not okay with me.  I stood pat, and it worked. 
  
  It was Rochelle K. of Edison, NJ who called me each year for the Mother’s Day charity drive that delivered a festive breakfast basket.  At the first Mother’s Day that of my living elsewhere, Rochelle suggested continuing the annual donation as a model of respect—for the same mother—and for the kids to see me still standing by honoring father and mother.  Did it for years. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A Mother’s Day or Father’s Day contribution for the ex—smart and charitable. 
  
  Dr. Maurice E. of North Brunswick, NJ taught me that kids cannot express their needs as well as adults, but the parent by nature expresses what the kids need. 
  
  If, during the divorce process of structuring who sees the kids when, it was important for me to see them a certain amount of time, he said to trust that was the identical amount the kids needed, also.  For me, it was a matter of frequency.  A short visit with them to touch base every other day was okay, but every other weekend would not have worked. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  There is nothing wrong with asking yourself what you really want to do as a starting point. 
  
  When my kids asked me after divorce why my systems were different from their mother’s, what a perfect opportunity to take a cheap shot at my ex.  But the high road was a simpler explanation.  Imagine a response that can show respect and keep it simple at the same time! 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  “It’s confusing, I know.  Just follow my rules here, your mother’s rules there, and you’ve got it made!” 
  
  Last time that question came up. 

• Late in the divorce period, my lawyer arranged for a child psychologist to do a family evaluation.  After many meetings with many combinations of the family, Dr. C. of Lebanon, NJ drafted his assessment.  It said the mother was a perfectly fit parent, but that he had never met a more involved father in all his divorce cases.  His positive assessment prompted us to ask him to mediate our child custody agreement. 
  
  In a single mediation session, he found compromises that maximized the effective time we spent with the kids without overdoing the single parent mode, and minimized the standard insulting labels.  Primary custody—Isn’t a custodian like a superintendent of a building or a janitor?  Visiting parent—With the exception of parents whose visits are supervised, why does divorce demote 50% of parents to the tourist status of a visitor? 
  
  It took about a year before it hit me what the psychologist actually saw to earn me gold stars in his assessment.  It was during a game of tiddlywinks he asked us to play that I let the kids see me ‘cheating.’  Of course, it was a mock move meant to heighten the fun and not to cheat anyone in the true sense.  Not a good or bad thing in itself, but it demonstrated an authentic parent-child relationship, not one put on for show that might be too good to be true.  The psychologist could see by the squealing kids that this was not the first time they saw me pull that trick. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Even when your actions are under the microscope, you can trust that the truth will shine through. 

• My brother Rachim heard some grotesque talk from his girlfriend’s 16 year old, nonsense not directed towards him but still foolish.  When he reported back to the mother, who loved her teen and was very tender, she said, “She’s an idiot.  Don’t listen to anything she says.  She’s a teenager.”
   
  Translation:  “We’re not in transition; she is.  Let’s not swing with her mood swings or give her passing comments more weight than they deserve, which is very little.” 

• Knowing when to shoot your mouth off
  My father used to tell me a tale of his brother Sol who was wounded in action in the American offensive in Italy, WW II.  As an artist, Sol Baskin captured some of his war memories in a beautiful sketchbook called Blood on the Olives.  When he had his big meeting for his disability benefits, he met with a high-ranking officer in the army, say a Colonel.  The Colonel challenged him about his eligibility, though there was no question that half a stomach was gone as a result of military action. 
  
  As artists can be fiery, he did not react well.  Instead of letting the provocation pass, he blew up and told the Colonel off. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  As far as teaching kids how to sense when that special time arrives to shoot your mouth off, tell them never is too soon. 
  
  That one outburst cost him the long-term benefits he so deserved, but he was satisfied to be true to himself.  Sounds like the 60s, but it was the late 40’s.  Although my uncle did not regret the moment, my father regretted it for him and wanted me to learn from it—how to ruin a deal all by yourself. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  One wrong word deserved or not can keep costing you for a long time.  Wouldn’t you rather hold your tongue for a single moment and cash the checks as they come in?
  
  You can always tell your grandchildren about what a jerk the other guy was, since he was, but let’s admit that bureaucrats hold a lot of power and keep our anger in check. 

• Handling the classic “I hate you.” 
  What are you supposed to do if your teenager says, “I hate you!” and storms out?  With the under-12 set, rude language gets Time Out, not research.  But with a teen?  Not so easy. 
  
  This is one of those tasks though that is not easy, yet as simple as moving rocks by hand.  Knowing you need to roll one rock at a time is the simple part, yet the work will be hard.  A few tools, the best leverage and a cool drink to look forward to will all help, some common themes for the guerilla parent. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Your tools are handy and shiny like new toys ready to try; you have all that leverage you have been hiding; and you can look forward to some well-deserved serenity as cooling as mint lemonade on an Atlanta August afternoon. 
  
  Your best starting point after a scene is to find a quiet two minutes the same day, giving you a clean palette for the work at hand, a tricky piece of art that will call for great attention to detail.  Use the time when you have a captive audience—next time you are driving the kid to the game (fun), not school (stress)—to do your research, which is fancy talk for finding out more. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  “I was thinking about before: I don’t want to hear about hate, but I am ready to know more.” 

• You want to find out what triggered the outburst, by getting to the root of the matter.  So, if you hear you broke a very minor promise, you need to ask why it had such importance and show readiness to hear whatever has to be said.  The teen’s view of the importance is the root you need to explore.  You may need to explain you didn’t know how important the root matter was.  Say you appreciate “Talking like this,” regardless of what you accomplished. 

• You want to find out why the anger had to be expressed in such a cruel way.  Ask if for the future you can both agree on a more civil way to talk within the family.  You want to find out why talking had to be shut down with that ice maker of a comment, despite the obvious anger that could have other outlets. 

• You want to point out there is a big distinction between hating what someone does and hating that someone.  Of course you never say you hate your kids, or that your kids ‘always’ lie or ‘never’ carry their share, and you expect the same courtesy you have shown.  If that is not the case, offer to start now.  You want results?  Make an agreement with your teen to start immediately making this big distinction, with penalties built in when either of you slip. 

 
Guerilla Tip:  An infuriating family interaction does not require condemning a family member. 

• Believe it or not, none of my kids were angels.  Still, they did not march to the teenage anthem of hate on a regular basis.  What they thought privately, who knows.  That may have been another matter no one needed to know about.  Thank God they kept a little to themselves.  No parent has to know every passing thought. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Allow kids a modest amount of privacy—a little more each year. 
  
  My three kids did not go through a teen phase where there was a complete wall between us.  Nor did they act out in reaction to raging inner turmoil.  Some exchanges between us had to change, which they signaled one way or another—smoothly, less smoothly.  At least they did not insist parents didn’t get it or were totally useless, so past learning the new ways of the world that only another teen could understand.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The terrible teens are no more inevitable than the terrible two’s.  Keep up. 
  
  Times change, kids change and you can, too.  Not your core values, but surface style that honors changing social standards and technology.  Not writing “Dear friend,” or “Yours truly,” is accepted in emails to friend, where it was not polite in correspondence of the past. 

Address Death as it Comes Up

“Grandma isn’t coming back home.”

• Death is final and its permanence is a very difficult subject, with or without your family beliefs.  If a kid is old enough to have a conversation, she is old enough for the truth.  Find the words that fit her age. 
  
  When Daniel was seven and my mother-in-law died at home of an illness, he said, “They shot her.”  He thought she died from a gunshot.  I explained softly it was not that kind of shot.  He may have overheard that doctors gave her an injection, a shot of painkiller. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Start addressing the death of family member very slowly. 
  
  Say, “You know Grandma was very sick.”  Wait to hear a response that shows readiness for more.  If not, stop immediately and continue later.  “They tried, but nobody could fix her.”  Wait for another response.  Softly explain that the situation will not reverse itself, “She won’t be coming back home.” 
  
  If the kid is lost, offer your feelings as a starting point, “We’re all sad,” or, “We pray for her,” or perhaps, “We are happy she is free,” but only if that is what you truly believe.  Honestly, happy-free would not work for me. 

• Bypassing the nonsensical lies
  Because made-up stories will not buy any serenity here, avoid the following masquerades: 

• “God loved Grandma so much that he took her close to him.”
  —Your kid will hope God loves him a lot less, and will work hard to make sure. 

• “She’s sleeping.”
  —Your kid will not be closing his eyes anytime soon. 

• “She went for a long vacation.”
  —Your kid will not be packing for that trip. 

     You may be able to say, “We are happy she is no longer in pain.”  You can certainly say, “We will always miss her, love her, remember her.” 

• Handling Unexpected Questions
  After a death in the family, a kid may ask, “Will you die?” One interpretation is that the kid is worried about more death coming up.  Although we will all die, don’t just say yes. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If a kid asks, “Will you die?” say, “Not for many years.  Why do you ask?” 
  
  When a kid is worried, it is a delicate moment—not the time to say the obvious, honest truth.  Do you think a kid is asking about human mortality?  An educated guess is that the reason for the question is, “Any more losses I have to brace for?”  If you can, give a simple, reassuring answer like no.  If you have health problems that your kid is already aware of, this might still not be the time to say you are not doing well.  Rather, try for “I am doing my best, and the doctor is hopeful.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Make sure you understand every odd question your kid asks.  The odder the question, the bigger the payoff when you get to the bottom of what the kid really wants to know. 
  
  As Maryanne M. of Atlanta, GA says, wait.  Probe further to find out what the question means to your kid.  Don’t answer a hard question mindlessly and, maybe, don’t just answer right away. 

• Choosing appropriateness
  My own kids joined me for a quiet visit to a cemetery on the day after a burial, for the closure it could bring the kids and for the chance to address concerns they had. 
  
  I was brought to a burial when I was six.  Usually, my father would bring me along to visit mourners in their houses, not to the cemetery.  He would talk to them about sports he knew little about or about the departed, preferably. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Teach your kids to watch the lead of the bereaved, and if they need the distraction of sports talk, so be it. 
  
  At the burial I attended, a never-married middle-aged woman, Fanny S. of Bayside, NY, screamed out at the moment the casket was lowering into the ground, “Mama, why are you leaving us?”  That is really too much for a six-year-old to see and hear.  Since such intensity can occur at a gravesite, and that was not my family, I did not need to be brought at all.  However, the cry was not too much for me to bear after all; it fascinated me.  I suppose I could have used a debriefing with my father later, but we never discussed it.  It was…an experience. 

• Starting an Imaginary Conversation
  Occasionally, I took my landlady Mary K. of Highland Park, NJ to the cemetery “to visit Pete.”  Knowing perfectly well he was gone, she would plant flowers, say a prayer and talk to her late husband. 
  
  On one visit there, I walked over to some trees to talk to my own mother, resting in a cemetery far away in Jerusalem.  Because of travel circumstances the year before, I had arrived after my mother’s burial.  In this way I got the closure I had missed. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Whether by earth or by heaven, all cemeteries must be connected spiritually. 
  
  Years later when an old friend died, I needed comfort from the older generation.  With my parents gone, I went to see Mary in a nursing home and planned to tell her of my grief.  However, her memory was not at its best, and my issue did not really pertain to her.  I walked out the door without addressing it. 
  
  On the way to my car, it struck me that I could have the same conversation I came for anyway, roaming the parking lot alone.  After ‘telling’ Mary my bad news, I imagined the best possible responses.  Validations beyond what she might actually have said, but the ideal words I needed to hear.  One of the best conversations I had, ever, imaginary or not.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Assuming your kid has a solid grasp of reality, see if you want to introduce the idea of an imaginary conversation, picturing how an absent party might react—as long as it is understood as imagination.