Let Them Eat Cake

"Starve yourself if you like; dessert will still come."

• When the kids were about 5, 6 and 7, two movies struck me as way off limits:  “New rule.  Don’t even ask me to see Silence of the Lambs or American Pie.  One is too dark for you and the other, too vulgar for me.  Ever.”  I said the subject would be closed, and that was that.  I did not give much rationale, just “Don’t even ask.”  A parent can do that.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  An occasional unexplained rule that looks arbitrary is accepted as a rarity. 

• After years of glowing report cards for Alex tainted by a repeated complaint—too much blabbing and calling out—I asked him if there was some way he could bring this thing under control for good.  “Seven teachers with the same complaint?  You’re 11.  What would it take to reduce it, maybe not to zero, but to one?  You tell me.”  While my pep talks had gotten no results, it seemed he might have the control needed to fix things if he wanted to enough.  If he chose the carrot, maybe he would stick to the path that would get him there.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let kids decide what rewards will work. 
   
  Alex had an immediate answer:  “If I can reduce it, not to one but two, can I watch Silence of the Lambs?”  I considered two factors.  First, he needed a big incentive and chose this one juicy reward himself, which carried extra value because it was forbidden.  Second, time had passed; he was 11 not five.  The buzz was gone.  He would be seeing it at home, not on a big screen in a dark theater.  I agreed, thinking Boy, this better work. 
  
  Sure enough, on the next report card, seven complaints dropped down to two.  Not zero, but the magical two we agreed on.  He got the movie and enjoyed every minute.  He thanked me and this is the best part:  Instead of saying it was child’s play that any five-year old could have handled, he said he could really see why I put the movie off limits originally.  I was impressed.  

• When Shevy was 12, she got excited to hear me dare her $10.00 for learning to swallow a pill with water.  If she could do it one time for a prize, she could do it forever.  The pricey challenge was meant to be enticing, but it was worth it with so many remedies in pill form.  Not taking pills was inconvenient, especially with my propensity for offering a mild vitamin C tablet for scratchy throats, congestion and minor ailments that called for a harmless placebo. 
   
  Even with the dare, Shevy had a hard time and found she still had to gulp the pill down to complete the process.  But she did it, she felt the accomplishment, and it only cost me $10.00. 

• Planning a vacation to Washington, DC, I got a question from Shevy, who was 10: “What are we going to see each day?”  A simple question, but I heard myself being assigned a thankless chore:  “Map out each day’s itinerary, so I know what we are doing.  Be social director.  Coordinate everything.”  So I suggested an assignment for her: “Why don’t you see what activities and sites you are interested in.  Figure two things a day for the three days we’ll be in DC.  Then get buy-in from your brothers, too.”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let the kids do some legwork, and everyone can be happy with the results. 

• If your kid hurts herself and looks to you for reassurance, tell her, “You’re okay,” if you think it’s true.  Especially if she panics, tell her she is okay. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids need reassurance, do not get fancy.  Lend them your ego by telling them they are okay. 
  
  This situation is identical to when you wake up from a bad dream and need your spouse’s clearer head to say you are okay.  It’s not patronizing—it’s stabilizing to hear the words. 
  
  There is a first-born syndrome that usually fades with a few kids.  The syndrome starts with two new parents obsessing over one overly studied little kid.  By the time the fourth one comes around, though, the scene is more like, “Sounded loud.  Is she bleeding?  Okay, then, tell her she’s okay and she’ll get over it.” 

• On using dark material to bright effect, I helped voice coach Linda P. of Piscataway, NJ, with her son’s reading level.  He was tested as reading three years below grade, so I suggested letting him read a racy classic if she was up to it.  Mind you she was very conservative.  The subject matter was guaranteed to keep a seventh-grader’s attention, to get him from cover to cover. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Some subject will keep your kid’s attention better than others. 
   
  Aside from reading those passages, absorbing that old-fashioned, florid language in context actually helps build vocabulary for college entry exams.  Yes, I am completely serious.  The idea was daring, but there was merit and Linda found a book.  It might have been that novel D.H. Lawrence wrote about Mrs. Chatterley. 
  
  Three months later, the kid finished the whole book, and his reading was retested.  He was now reading at grade level—a three-year pop in three months—and Linda felt it was worth the dues she and her husband had paid. 

Emphasize the Positive Over a Putdown

"You're So Sweet!"

• One morning, four-year old Shevy (short for Elisheva) came into the bedroom to snitch on her brother. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Discourage tattletales. 
  
  “Shevy, that is so sweet of you to tell us he misbehaved, but we are the parents and we will take care of it later.  You don’t have to tell.  If he hurts you, that’s different.  And if it’s unsafe, like not wearing a seatbelt in the car, go ahead and blab.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  In the end, do not make kids wrong for being who they are. 

• I just asked happy grandparents with a talkative two-year-old out at a restaurant if they had been strict when their own kids were two.  The woman said “No, like tightly wound springs, kids should not be pushed too hard or the results are not good.”
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Kids are like springs.  Push down hard and they either push back or spring away entirely. 

•      Do your kids ever whine after you prepare dinner that they don’t want what you already made and are bringing to the table? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you are serving dinner and your kid says, “I don’t like it,” counter with, “Well, what would you like to have tomorrow night, and I’ll make it if I can?” 
  
  Isn’t that a little nicer than taking on the attitude, let alone the words, “I made it, eat it and shut up”?  Isn’t that a little more sensible than taking on the attitude, let alone the words, “I made it, but I can freeze it and start dinner again from scratch for you.”  

• I studied a neighbor, Helen R. of Highland Park, NJ, because she stayed calm with two mature teenage girls and three frisky, younger boys.  I remember my wife asking when we met Helen, “Do the girls baby-sit?”  Coming from a large family, Helen must have grown up watching some effective parenting.  As she needed to, she also picked up new tricks as she went along, which I then picked up from her. 
  
  Helen taught me to be very careful with my words when kids are in crisis.  Ever warn a seven-year-old about running in slippery ground, and they run, slip and scrape a knee?  As you attend to the scrape, you know you’re dying to say, “You ran and you slipped?”  However, that moment is delicate. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  At the time of anyone’s physical or psychic pain, it is artless and heartless to talk about who is at fault—literally adding insult to injury. 
  
  Wait and you can certainly address the connection later.  You do not want to be the parent who spanks a kid for running into traffic. 
  
  I had the chance many years later to use just this advice very seriously.  One morning at 3AM, I had to drive, not my son, but a neighbor’s, to the emergency room because of a badly cut finger.  He explained that the cut came from opening a beer bottle on a backyard rock, “But I opened the first 19 bottles safely.” 
  
  My reaction to such nonsense was silence, and I will say the teenager was quite brave in the hospital.  Next day, after we both got some sleep, I suggested he had been drinking too much or might have remembered that a bottle opener works better than a rock.  I didn’t know whether he could learn from the lesson then, but I knew that earlier would have been useless all around.  Come to think of it, it might not have been the neighbor’s son after all.  
   

•      Another point from Helen:  If you find you are always calling your kids to do things without getting their cooperation, you undoubtedly get frustrated when you reach that fifth time.  That would explain why you are yelling. 
  
  If you have ever heard a grandparent whine, “If I told you once, I told you a thousand times!” you have a classic example of wasted energy and loss of power.  Since it easier to look in on someone else’s problem than on our own, look how this example shows the parent without power who is whining about having no power—but you can regain that power.  No one will give it to you.  Just take it and give the kids a reason to listen. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Repeating yourself decreases your personal power. 
  
  To increase your power, try this efficient method instead:  Walk over to your kid and, for one and only one time, spell out what you want.  Now you can be sweet and serious. 
  
  Never conclude a kid hears you until you are face to face.  You will get results without shouting or useless repeating.  Better yet, kids cannot say, “I didn’t hear you calling me,” or, “I couldn’t tell what you wanted.”  It is by removing conflict that you increase serenity in your house.  Note that if you won’t do this—”Who am I, their servant, to have to tiptoe around their delicate disposition”—you’re full of hot air about wanting peace. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The promise of serenity is yours provided only that you actually want a peaceful home and civilized kids. 
  
  Since action speaks louder that lip service, wanting does not count unless put into action. 
   

•      Does it take supernatural powers or meditation to get to the calm? 
  
  If you want to change to more calm in your home, you can, and without turning yourself inside out.  Yes, you can get there from here.   
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You can introduce change without changing yourself very much.  You have only to talk a different talk. 
  
  But how?  If you are serious about a calm home, proceed by stepping back and stepping up. 

• Stepping back:  When you step back for a break in your perspective and look at your home situation, look as though from the outside.  Pretend you are someone else, but not a family member or a neighbor.  You, but even wiser and completely capable of taking over and settling the frontier.  What needs addressing, fixing, changing?  You’ll get the big picture, a clearer picture, and you’ll know the areas you want to concentrate on.  When you are ready, pick out a few ideas in this book that address the frontier you face.  Remember, you can realistically only change a little at a time. 

• Stepping up:  When you step up and do what you need to do, you will see results fast.  Immerse into the new mantle.  Keep it real, as people say, by making it your own—your own words, if you can find them.  

•      Kids are clumsy with their bodies and their words.  All the more reason for you to be extra kind with them.  They are still learning the ways of the world. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Expect kids to act their age—no more, no less. 
  
  Don’t blame a seven-year-old for acting a little like six, which she recently was.  Nevertheless, do not expect her to accept being treated like six, nor to act like eight until she turns eight next year. 
  
  So if you ever hear yourself saying, “A big girl doesn’t do that,” take yourself a giant step back and look at the girl you are condescending to.  If she were a big girl, you probably would not be talking to her that way.  If she is little, you are not complimenting her by saying she is big, you are in fact expecting something she cannot give you.  And since you know she is little, don’t expect her to act like anything but.  Either way it makes no sense, and you can stop.  
   

•      Although my longtime friend Danny S. of NY, NY has no kids himself, he was sensitive to a putdown he overheard:  An otherwise loving grandmother told her grandson of three to be ashamed of himself for throwing a toy in her living room. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Making a kid stop throwing a toy would make sense.  Taking the toy away might work.  Moving him to another room to play with the toy is what I would do each and every time he showed up in the living room with a hard toy. 
  
  Sadly, the boy’s otherwise loving mother agreed he should be ashamed.  Feeling shame at three needs encouragement?  Since the grandmother displays the most beautiful collectibles in that living room, who gave a toddler a hard toy to play with there?  If we need a guilty party to put down, we just found that party.  The issue needs correcting, not the three-year-old.  Perhaps he should know better at three?  Perhaps you should at 23. 
   

•      My father would have long conversations during synagogue services, while others frowned upon this behavior.  Unlike church services, quiet conversations are the rule not the exception in Orthodox synagogues.  When someone criticized him for the chitchat, he did not take it at face value and quiet down.  Instead he read the criticism as a request not to be left out and turned some of his conversation toward the critic.  And that settled that. 
   

•      I noticed my landlady used to complain about the smallest things when I would come or go.  Her tone made me want less interaction, that’s for sure.  Nonetheless, it occurred to me what she was really looking for was an excuse to have a conversation—any excuse.  Sure enough, when I increased the chitchat with her, the complaints shrank greatly.  
   

•      Your good and bad parenting will have a lifetime effect on your kid’s self esteem and relationship with you, long after childhood.  The effect of intimidating your kids can be chilling and heartbreaking. 
  
  When gifted young composer Mark Y. of Riverdale, NY, missed a rare opportunity to work as assistant to the renowned film arranger Carter Burwell, the reason was not that Mark did not get the offer.  After he applied, he didn’t feel up for it and so he took himself out of the running.  If he were not qualified, shouldn’t it have been up to his prospective employer to decide? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Give your kids the confidence to step up to the plate and either hit a home run or strike out bravely.  At worst, taking big chances will produce glorious failures. 
  
  Michael Jordan tried his hand at baseball, despite being warned it would be a mistake for a basketball player.  He said, “The only mistake would be not to try.” 
  
  As Mel Brooks said, “If you’re going to go up to the bell, ring it.” 
   

•      What do you do when a kid tells you to step off?  “Stop putting my coat on.  Mommy does it better.”  I just hated that stuff.  The spoiled brat mouthing off, arbitrarily controlling in intention and bossy in execution.  Please let the kid be no more than four.  Still, if you can step aside, go ahead and do it.  Kids need to feel they have some control, even if their manner is clumsy.  While rewarding bad behavior will beget more bad behavior, allowing for preferring a specific parent in a specific activity is more a matter of style. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  To teach a kid how to ask for the other parent—and for anything else of interest—model whatever words you prefer hearing:  “Want me to see if Mommy can help?  Just ask me softly.  Go ahead, ask.” 
  
  Another possibility is to ask what it is that the other parent does that makes it preferable.  And listen. 
  
  Anytime you would be willing to accommodate a kid’s request except that the moment is not practical, just explain that right now is bad but next time should be good. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Tell the truth, “I would if could, but I can’t so I won’t.  When she can, she will, but now is not the time.” 
  
  When one kid was a toddler and still getting a breast-feeding twice a day, he felt attached to his mother in a way that no one else could compare.  All I could do was wait for him to be able see me as pretty good to have around.  Took about two more years. 
   

•      I once visited an Adventist meeting that friends of mine attended, where they shared blessings of little events they took to be spiritually uplifting.  One member described circling the city streets for a half hour looking for parking where the group van could unload.  When he finally found a space, some other car swooped in and took it.  Now parking is a blessing? 
  
  He was no Pollyanna, but since a much more convenient spot soon opened up, he felt blessed for the silver lining.  His circle had a strong appreciation that life’s daily delights were a gift, as they saw everything, from the Creator.  Over time, this immersion with spiritual friends boosted my own spirituality in my own tradition.  
    

•      There is a story that the rebellious son of a great Rabbi, visiting his father’s deathbed, announced that he still did not believe in God at all.  His father responded in all seriousness, “Oh, my son, I am happy to hear you still think about God.”  
   

•     You think kids don’t remember what we say?  Midge W. of NY, NY was seven or eight when she told her mother she was thinking of learning the harp.  Her mother shot her a look and just said, “No, you don’t.”  It was clear her mother thought a harp was too big or expensive, but made it sound like it was Midge who didn’t really want it, when she did. 
  
  Go figure, but Midge remembers and grew up to become a name radio host for classical music in New York City. 
   

•      Don’t feed yourself negative messages, common as they may be:  “It never works for me,”  “Just when I needed it most,”  “Just my luck, it rained!”  “Wouldn’t you know it, traffic!”  “Out of all the days to schedule a fair, they had to run it today!”  “Birds always poop on my windshield right here in my line of sight and nowhere else!”  For the last remark, in fact, your line of sight is where it matters most, so you notice it most.  Since other spots matter less, you don’t notice them. 
  
  Negativity, however, is far from neutral—it is contagious.  Such comments are not only irrational, they are also destructive as models to your kids.  Keep your focus. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It’s not the heat—it’s the conversation.  Don’t dwell on the negative.
   Note that as a parent your negative comments send key messages about self-esteem that will go on to affect your kids. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t plant seeds of negativity in your kids.  Kids remember what parents say for a long time. 
   

•      Some things look better from afar, and the illusion is not due to your attitude.  Because of foreshortening from afar, the grass will always look greener over there.  From your lawn, your angle of your neighbor’s lawn compresses more green grass tops into your field of vision.  But looking straight down at your own lawn, you can see the bare spots.  The same can be said of your neighbor who’s looking down at her own lawn and admiring yours.  Guerilla Tip:  The grass is always greener there when you see only the green tops of their lawn. 
    

•      Grade school teacher Miriam M. of South Amboy, NJ would ask her third graders, “What is two times three?”  When a student answered incorrectly, “Nine,” she would validate the attempt instead of labeling the answer as wrong.  “Nine is the answer to three times three—good.  Remember that.  Now what is the answer to two times three?”  2x3=
  
  Notice that instead of saying no to the wrong answer, she sneaked in more math—efficiently doing what she was paid for and making the school day a positive experience.  Bravo, Miriam.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Turn learning into I-can-do-that moments.   Miriam did not punish bad behavior in class—She simply rewarded good behavior.  Nonetheless, parents came in angry that their kids were being punished.  Miriam admitted to them that she rewarded a kid’s special performance with a turn at sliding down a giant slide she had in the room.  However, parents were speechless when she said that good behavior got rewarded and bad behavior did not. 
  
  In fact, psychologists have found that punishing bad behavior does not help increase the good behavior we want at all.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Just reward good behavior and hope for the best. 
    

•      When my brother Mat was in the fourth grade, he wrote a report that said Abraham Lincoln was killed.  His teacher disagreed and criticized the report, saying the boy was “changing history.”  Since the president did not die of natural causes, is killed correct?  Incorrect? 
  
  The teacher said he was “changing history” because he should have written that Lincoln was assassinated.  The difference between killed and assassinated is a fine point that should not be lost on a college student, but can a 10 year old be expected to have such command of language?  The teacher lost an opportunity to teach with joy, “Technically, a special word is used here, assassinated.”  Attribute the comment to carelessness if you like, but he did not miss the opportunity to put my baby brother down harshly. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Ladies and gentlemen, as family leaders, as classroom leaders and just plain adults, we can do better.  Teach with kindness whenever you have the chance.  
   

•      We can always serve as bad examples to others willing to learn.  My mother remembered that her father could get so angry he would growl at her, “Get out of my sight.”  That meant he was warning her it was unsafe to be near him.  The jury is still out on whether that was kind or crazy talk.  That might have been his version of crying out for a little Time Out for himself. 
   

• Many good examples of bad leadership to avoid in parenting rear their heads in the relationship between boss and worker.  Abdoullah W. of Highland Park, NJ works for a busy pizza parlor and prepares eggplant parmigiano.  Coming from Alexandria, Egypt, he probably knows a thing or two about eggplant, and his method for peeling it involves a continuous spiral around the vegetable.  Accustomed to a different technique, his boss chastised him and instructed him to peel in parallel strips along the length of the eggplant.  The resentment that followed stems from several points, and the situation would not have felt like a putdown if:  there were the slightest reason explained for one method over the other, a favor was being asked, or there was any kindness in the request.  
   Onions?  They are to be cut unpeeled from the root end first rather than the top.  Again, if there was some need other than bullying for the method, no problem.  Perhaps the kitchen needed onions chopped more finely or more coarsely?  Not at all.  The results were not at issue, only the boss's preference that his technique should be used. 
  
  Sure, the worker is being paid for a job that is determined by the employer, not being loved and nurtured in the perfect, supportive family.  However, the lessons to be learned are that bullying is uncalled for with child or adult, and that a boss like Abdoullah's is on the verge of losing an experienced, valuable and otherwise loyal worker.

  
  

Teach Kids When to Lie

“All brides are beautiful."  "So you were lying!”

• All brides are beautiful, but certainly not because only the pretty ones get married.  They are beautiful because each bride is a star, dressed up glamorously, beaming with joy, and her groom sees it and feels it.  If you cannot see it, you have no heart, and your eyes may also need a checkup.  On the other hand, “There are no small roles, only small actors,” is a line that directors dispense to actors only when giving out small roles. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When a heavy friend is off to a party and asks how he looks, he looks great. 

• Recently when Shevy and I were eating asparagus, she told me she had a friend who eats asparagus without, you know, a funny smell later.  Never having heard such people existed, I asked in reflex who this friend was.  Of course, she did not want to say and I apologized for the stupid question.  Over time, I had found my own way to avoid such invitations to name names. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Instead of gossiping about a friend or saying, “It’s someone you know but I can’t tell you,” say the opposite, “It’s someone you don’t know.” 
   
  To be sure, this is another white lie.  For the sake of the story, no one will get to know whom the story is about, because no one needs to know.  Sorry, but it is one of those daily questions of ethics where you can take a white lie on yourself rather than naming names or teasing someone with gossip that you will not take to its end. 
   
  Writer Antoine de St.-Exupery of The Little Prince fame said the key to keeping a secret is not letting on that you have a secret. 

  

• Once upon a time, a tragedy began when a princess refused to tell a white lie.  In the opening scene of Shakespeare’s King Lear, a vain king rewards his two older daughters for laying it on thick and punishes his youngest for being honest to a fault.  Self-righteous Princess Cordelia cannot find any gray area between imitating her lying sisters and expressing herself without mirth or mercy.  It wasn’t pretty and didn’t end well.  
    
  Cordelia was a real character.  If only she had asked, someone could have told her shrewdly to get with the real world:  This honesty thing, it’s overrated.  So all brides are beautiful whether or not they are. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Choose your words in anticipation of the results you are after.  You are too smart to rely on the purity of your intentions alone.  No taming of the shrewd here. 
    Everything you say carries an underlying meaning that produces results good and bad.  That meaning is a message more important than the literal words.  So the most important part of speech is not nouns or verbs, but results. 

 

• Guerilla Tip:  The rules for a white lie are strict—It has to be rare, small and harmless; but above all, it must be intended solely for keeping peace with friends and family, and better do just that. 
  
  Any sort of trickery fails the test.  Similarly, if a white lie that seemed harmless ends up hurting, it was no white lie and better not be repeated. 
   

• When my kids were very young, my night classes after work meant that my wife had already put the kids to bed before I got back home.  Since Alex’s fourth birthday fell on a class night, I stepped out to call him before bedtime, and pointed that out.  Since I made no mention of raising my hand to leave class, he asked if I got the teacher’s permission.  For simplicity, I said yes. 
  
  The next day I wanted to be clear and explained that adults don’t actually raise their hands to take a break.  Stepping out quietly is allowed for grownups.  While it was true I was permitted to leave class, it was not true that I asked.  All a four-year-old understood was the black and white issue:  I said I asked permission but did not.  Checkmate:  “So you were lying,” and he got me there. 
  
  Technically, it was a lie, but a white lie told only for simplicity, not to trick someone—a valuable lesson for him.  The lesson for me was that Alex did not need things simplified at four as he needed at three, God bless him. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Teach kids never to lie where it matters. 
  
  To be precise, the vicious activities below do not pass as white lies.  They fail the smell test badly on the first whiff. 

•       Playing a practical joke is vicious.

•       Making a joke at someone’s expense is vicious.

•       Ridicule is vicious.

•       Bullying by using the truth, distorting the truth or lying is vicious.

• An unusual seminar on conducting hiring interviews taught me a lesson on lying:  If you are interviewing a candidate who matches a job well and the chemistry is good, ask him if he ever finds he has to lie.  Then sit back and listen to the revealing response. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Anyone who says he never lies reveals a pathological liar you would never want to hire. 
  
  Look for the authenticity in answers like, “Occasionally I have to tell a bit of a lie to avoid embarrassing someone, even myself.”  Also, the seminar speaker believed there are two camps of people who dislike being lied to:  One camp feels a lie is just wrong, unethical; the other experiences a lie as an insult to the intelligence.  The speaker said a work team is best made up of those all in the same camp. 

• When we were married, my wife and I attended a concert of new music by a friend of hers.  We were amazed at how little we understood of the original pieces or why the audience went wild for the music.  So what could we say to our friend after the show and still feel authentic?  We could hardly say we loved the music we didn’t follow, or anything of the sort.  Such lies would have been awful.  Instead we came up with halfway measures, not phony at all, that the performing composer heard as compliments.  You can do the same when your kids perform, too.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  “Wow, we were amazed.  The audience went wild.  You must be so proud and exhausted, too!” 

Drop Your Empty Promises

“So that's what you want for your birthday?  Okay"

• When Christopher Isherwood interpreted Patanjali’s Sanskrit sayings from the 4th century BCE, he quoted the yoga wise man as saying, “Verbal delusion arises when words do not correspond to reality.”  (How to Know God, 1981, page 25.)  Isherwood points out that jumping to conclusions exemplifies such delusions, as does the variable symbolism encoded into family values and the American way of life (speaker and listener have separate interpretations).
   Of course, outright lies epitomize verbal delusion. 
  

• On a trip to visit my mother’s folks in balmy Tampa when I was six, I was struck with the tall palm trees that lined the Florida streets.  To a kid from the New York City suburbs, a royal palm of 100 feet looks like all of the tropics on one pedestal, so I asked my grandfather if I could have just one branch.  Why a kid needs a full palm branch, who knows, but I loved nature and my father was showing me by then how to cultivate a garden and plant tulips. 
   
  My grandfather told me he would put a branch in a box and send it to me, but the branch never arrived.  I must have asked about it later, and it still never came. 
  
  From the ground, the branch must have been appealing because it was so grand, but I did not understand it was the size of a walk-in closet.  All I would have needed, since shipping a 10-foot branch was ridiculous, was a simple no with an explanation and maybe an offer of a substitute.  A miniature, potted palm would definitely not have done it for me, but getting a choice is nice. 
  
  What is wrong with the traditional approach that children should be seen and not heard?  Is it so wrong to humor a little kid by saying yes to a stupid request and figuring he will forget it?  Yes. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Do not humor a little kid by saying yes to a stupid request and figuring he will forget it.
  
  Four reasons make it wrong:   

1.    You infantilize a kid when you decide for him that he cannot possibly understand an issue so you do not give it a try. 

2.    This form of humoring is the not-so-funny kind, a bad joke at the kid’s expense.  Humoring shows that you are giving your words no weight because of whom you are humoring. 

3.    Not giving your words weight shows you are not even good to your own word, let alone the lightweight you are speaking to.  If I humor you with words I give no honor, I am showing you also that I give you no honor. 

4.    As for forgetting, who forgot?   

     Instead of a palm branch, all I got was that no one was man enough to break off a branch, but everyone was man enough to break a promise. 

 
Guerilla Tip:  Whenever you tell a kid you will do something, the kid hears a promise.  Every time you make a promise you know upfront you cannot keep, you make yourself a liar. 

• Another reason to set an example of carrying out your promises is that you do not want a reputation as a hypocrite.  Consider the example you are setting.  While I promise not tell on you, everyone else will already know, and then what?
   The Buddha said, “Better than a thousand hollow words is the one word that brings peace.”  Either you knew your words were hollow when you said them, or your intentions were good, but your follow-through, hollow.  Make sure that, when you translate it into action, your one word brings peace. 

     On the other hand, in looking after your kids’ health, allow yourself a little innocent stealth.  When our ketchup bottle was at the halfway mark, I started filling it with marinara sauce again and again, because the tomato sauce was real food, healthier than all the white vinegar and white sugar of the ketchup. 

Guerilla Tip:  At the halfway mark on the ketchup bottle, substitute with marinara. 

After a few fill-ups, it was all marinara.  Now they know. 

I follow my anti-hypocrisy lecture with my marinara story of sort-of lying to my kids—though passively, and for their own good.  But lying will always be rationalized for ‘their own good.’

It is better to do good and to advocate for doing good, than to be a goody-two-shoes and feed your family a daily diet of American fast food.  Note that an occasional burger & fries eaten out as a treat means once a month, not five lunches a week.  If you cooked it at home, you would know what actually went in.  So, don’t be a hypocrite, but don’t be hamstrung by Boy Scout notions of honesty. 

Guerilla Tip:  Don’t imitate others unless you want their results, and don’t look for a policy where one size fits all. 

•  For my kids, I found a better way to say no, where one good promise replaces another.  When my kids wanted each and every toy advertised on TV, I got a little tired of saying you can’t have everything, my mother’s favorite line.  Reasoning that if a toy looks appealing, it is easily granted at least on a fantasy level, I reversed my response.  “So that’s what you want for your birthday?  Okay.”
   The stage was then set for saying yes each time instead of no—with no lectures or broken promises when the very same kid wanted the very next toy advertised.  Instead, I was ready again with the very same line each time:  “So that’s what you want for your birthday?  Okay.” 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Replace one good promise with another.
   

• Today when I look over a catalog from a garden nursery, I treat myself the same way.  I first mark up everything that looks appealing, wanted—and granted at least on a fantasy level.  Then I go back another time and star those very few things I will actually order and spend money on. 
  

• At a birthday party for one of my preschoolers, a neighbor’s brat started pouting and sulking.  I asked her privately if there was anything I could do to make her more comfortable or if she wanted me to take her home three doors away.  Underlying message—shape up or ship out.  Although the party was not actually about her, accommodating her would be better for everyone than strangling her. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Do not use idle threats.  Use threats.  And carry through soberly. 
  
  The girl thought about my ultimatum and settled down. 
  
  My mother was visiting at the time and was sure I was not serious, but it was neither a joke nor an empty threat.  After all, if a four-year-old is not happy to join in, it is no punishment but pure kindness to let her go home, whatever the reason.  It did not matter much if she was agitated from too much excitement, or it was the shock of being at a party without being the center of attention.  This party was my kid’s birthday, and it was my job to keep it in balance. 
   

•  A cry for attention is a cry for love, even when the attention is the most negative kind that makes you want to strangle…something or to run away from home.  Guerilla Tip:  For kids, love is deserved even when it is not earned. 
  
  When you are trying to balance a few things at once—and who isn’t?—let the kid you cannot attend to know you will get there as soon as you are free.  Then if you say you will, you absolutely must follow up carefully.  Getting this one across can take many months—it took me about 24 of them—so start when they are two with some assurances.
   Guerilla Tip:  Train kids to trust you.  “I will help you as soon as I possibly can.  I know you don’t trust that it will happen, but you’ll see that you can trust me.”   

• Swami Rama of Bengal, India wrote, “It is parents who are responsible for creating mistrust and that’s why children do not trust them.  When children do not trust their parents—who are supposed to be the best friends of the children—then they start making experiments independently on their own,” and he does not mean that in a good way. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Your kids will trust you if you act trustworthy, not if you preach it. 
   

• Dr. F. of Bayside, NY, thought he was being cute when he tried distracting me from my fear of injections with phony conversation that by second grade you would know as hogwash.  “What are you learning in school?” “How many brothers or sisters do you have?” Or, “I have to give you a shot, but count to three,” and the shot came on 2!  Is that clever?  No, it’s deceptive. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you’re a doctor, you can do better than trickery.  If you’re a parent, don’t deceive your kids or help a professional do it, either. 
   

• With his background, my father was once asked a rabbinic question when our rabbi was out of town.  A woman wanted to know if she should begin reciting the mourner’s Kaddish for her father, as she learned that he had just died.  She had heard nothing of him since she was very young, when he deserted the family.  My father responded, “You would say Kaddish for a stranger?  I am sorry, but your father died the day he left you years ago.”
   A colleague asked him what precedent he used for his response.  “Chutzpa,” was his guerilla response about his original guerilla response.  He meant that if you do not take on the mantle of parent and hang in there, making a baby does not make you a parent forever.  Like people say, any man can be a father—only a real man can be a dad. 

Don’t Drive it Underground—Ask

“You’re in deep doo-doo.  Now start talking, and I will do my best not to judge.”

•      At three years old, Daniel was playing with a bracelet at a gift shop during a vacation trip.  Maybe my supervising him was sloppy, but out he went with bracelet in hand.  The owner panicked, dropping words like stealing and police.  As a result, the bracelet got hidden.  More accusations. 
  
  Instead of scaring him, I bent down and asked if he would like a shiny quarter just for showing me where it was.  After he showed me the bracelet, he got the quarter.  The shopkeeper shifted her lecture to criticizing bribery as a parenting technique.  Offering a reward for a good deed is like a bribe for dishonesty?  Generally a bribe has to be paid up front, but a reward is paid as thanks when the job is done.  Anyway, a preschooler is supposed to play—a bracelet or coin will do. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Walking around with a toy is not stealing, and 25 cents is a cheap price to pay to avoid doing hard time in a foreign jail, even at three.   

•      I once asked Daniel at 11 what he usually did when he went over to Joey’s house.  Since he told me they watched TV and played video games (against house rules), I told him that was not allowed.  He shot back with, “You asked.”  In two words, he rearranged my parenting. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You want the truth?  Don’t whine when you get it. 
  
  Stay in the loop if you want to have any sort of influence.  And if you want in, don’t judge.  Judge and you get lies.   

•      Using the buddy system
  The younger the kids are, the stronger the schoolteachers impress on them the safety of the buddy system—pairing up, counting off, etc. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  While you have little control over whom your kids will choose as friends, the buddy system will keep them safer than flying solo. 
  
  I encouraged Daniel heavily to build the habit of the buddy system outside of school, outside the home and away from parental supervision.  I always imagined that he, the biggest risk taker of the three, got many benefits from the buddy system, because a buddy can…
  ●   Protect you and vice versa.
  ●   Help you when you are in trouble.
  ●   Call for help if you get hurt.
  ●   Tell you when you have a dangerous plan.
  ●   Tell you to go first when you have a dangerous plan.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  A word in defense of friskiness—Often a worry to the parent, the risk taker is a much easier travel mate, because of the readiness to try new things, compared with the risk-averse.
   

•      I got a nasty call about Alex when he was 15.  A mother said she found her daughter’s bedroom door locked and pressured the girl into admitting to a private activity with my son.  Mom wouldn’t allow the two to see each other anymore. 
  
  I thanked her and said I was sorry there was an issue.  Certainly I was not ready to point any fingers without checking the facts myself.  No reason for me to apologize for her judgment that my son used her daughter as “target practice.” 
  
  I knew my son to be an angel, but promised to discuss it with him.  I added, though, that experimentation takes two.  If my son is off-limits, I said, the girl may find others. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  We should have learned from Prohibition that banning a craving forces it into hiding. 
  
  Driving it underground, when the activity is not going away, just produces deception.  Is that what we seek?  The mom was able to see that I might have had a point. 
  
  It gets better.  When I talked to Alex, he had some stipulations before talking.  I said, “You’re the one in deep doo-doo, now start talking.  I will listen and do my best not to judge.”  That is when I learned the teens had proceeded to another level, while the mom who cornered her daughter had guaranteed she would not get the full truth.  As promised, I just listened and did not say Bad-boy or Atta-boy.  That ship had sailed, and it felt like the wrong moment to give out rules.  My main focus remained to gather all the information I could, which required nerves of steel and zipped lips that did not judge.
  
  Since the two were both under 16 and agreeable to the moment, Alex did not think he had to hide or that he owed anyone an apology.  He read me right but I was very concerned.  I agreed but suggested, for the future, that sex belongs as part of a bigger relationship, not an end in itself.  He disagreed, so I offered for him to put it on the back burner and reconsider the usefulness of that idea at a later time.  We shook on it and it was over. 
  
  A last point.  Double standards may have been at play in how the two teens were treated.  Nonetheless, I stand by my position that if you come on too strong, you actively drive it underground.  You don’t get what you’re after, and not what you deserve as a parent.  You get less. 

•      With my upbringing, I was careful to accept the answers my kids gave me to questions I asked them.  I often got cross-examined by my mother, “Did you wash your hands for supper?  With soap?  Let me smell them.”  For years, that line of questioning kept me very busy making sounds of hand washing and soap sudsing without actually washing my hands.  You had to be there—it was a performing art. 
  
  “Did you touch the trashcan?  You probably did, and you’re showering again at home.”  After reading Berne’s Games People Play when I was 15, I would respond with, “I did not touch it, I caressed it.” 
  
  If you find it hard to pinpoint the problem with those series of questions, remember that if the parent asks a question, there has to be some trust in the answer.  If not, why ask? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You cannot ask for an answer and then check up to see if it is really true. 
  
  “Do you know what a back-handed compliment is?  Okay, then, what is it?”  If you need to know something so serious you cannot trust a kid’s answer, what is wrong with that?  Find out for yourself—do not first ask a kid.  If you find you often ask-and-argue, it could be hard to change.  Recognizing it as stupid is a good start.   

•      At eight, I was polishing my own shoes when my mother was outraged to discover my polishing included the entire soles of the shoes.  She told me never to do that again.  I think it had something to do with the pastel wall-to-wall carpet covering our house.  So in the future, I never did that again. 
  
  No, in the future, like the good boy I was, I was careful never to be caught doing that again.  Instead, I carefully dried the polished soles first before unlocking the bathroom door. 
  
  I imagine my compulsion to do a complete job could have been released if our talk was more open.  The balling out drove it underground.  Again, I took matters in my own hands because I had long given up on including my parents in my upbringing.  At eight. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It is bad enough that parents are often out of the loop.  Do not be the very one to push yourself out.   

•      “Tell me honestly” is often said by those who haven’t established the conditions for honesty.  Hence, they mouth the words and put the responsibility on the listener.  

•      Five years into my marriage, I tried a little pillow talk that another partner had taught me long before:  “See what you did to me?  Look what you’ve gone and done.  Now you’re gonna have to finish the job.”  Smiling, my wife would say, “Oh, good!” which ruined all the fun of the script.  I asked her for some resistance like, “No, don’t,” but the tug of war was not sweet to her, it was offensive from her vantage point. 
  
  Without her willingness to join my fantasy or meet me halfway, I was shut out of a harmless game for two.  To get along, I had to keep the dialogue unshared and underground—I played it silently to myself.  Still, I felt guilty for maintaining the game alone, because keeping her out of the loop was not my ideal for a relationship. 
  
  Later, I asked a Parisian friend about the scene I tried creating.  She thought it was not so much as darkly erotic, but sweet and romantic.  Different vantage points indeed. 
  

    

•      There is a story Swami Brahmananda Sarasvati tells of a mother who finds her nine-year-old boy smoking a cigarette.  How the mother reacts inside, we can easily imagine, but she simply asks if he smokes regularly. 
  
  “Never,” he says, “unless some alcohol is involved.”  Without commenting, she asks for more information about the drinking.  “I never drink,” he says, “unless I am ‘busy’ with one of my girlfriends.”  She continues softly to ask for more information.  He begins to sense an apology is in order, “I would have asked you to join us, but you’re busy, and it’s a long drive to the after-hours casino.” 
  
  The story ends.  However the mother would continue in this fictional story, though, it is clear that she would never have gotten as much research done without first asking about things openly and actually listening. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Ask for information without shame and actually listen to what you hear.  Never shut down the flow of honesty—or punish it—by reacting with shock, no matter how deserved.   

•      At 15, Daniel was tall and athletic.  He reported getting into movies rated R and buying tickets for friends.  What to do?  Recognizing that ship already sailed meant there was nothing for me to argue about, only understand.  “How do you pull that off?”  I wanted to learn.  Precisely because he recognized I was asking for information, not grilling him for apologies, he felt free to teach me his new ways:  “I don’t talk,” spoke volumes of self knowledge and self control, two elements of maturity that deserve great respect. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids come clean, reward their bravery with appreciation.  Let your face show it.  Let your voice say it, “Wow.” 
  
  Don’t ever let yourself be caught with the empty quest of “Darling, is there anything on your mind you want to tell me?”  There can be many reasons for not needing this classic, fruitless bit of inquisition—inquiry, that is:  If you set it up better over time, they would tell you; despite your curiosity, they don’t want to share; or there is nothing to share, so stop inventing issues. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Watch your investigative procedures.  It is rude to intrude.  And therefore fruitless.  

•      When Daniel was just over 18, it became clear there was a noticeable amount of beer in his world.  In the family, we shared one bottle of wine with dinners on Sabbath and Jewish holidays, but beer on an empty stomach was for partying.  Since his allowances seemed to go quickly, my question was whether he was spending it all on beer.  Also, how did he buy it since in New Jersey, it was 21 to buy alcohol? 
  
  Tall and also headstrong, he volunteered openly that his deal with friends was that he buys, they pay.  But how?  “I walk in like I own the place.”  What could I say but “I see,” if my goal was not to corner him, but to love him for who he was and stay in the loop even a bit?  He knew what he was doing.  Not that he deserved any compliments, but beyond his artifice of faking the drinking age, he used some art, along with the adult skill of planning out what works where.  Any fatherly sermon would have fallen on deaf ears and driven my son further away.  Pick your shots. 
  
  If you think my technique was not ideal, you got me there and are free to question it.  Keep in mind that my son was not easily influenced by those in position of authority.  My only concern was how to work with the material at hand.  If he was no pushover, nether was his father.  My approach, not justifying but only reporting, was that even if you cannot fix ‘it,’ you can still work it. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  As kids get older, listen more and say less.  If you held them close, this is when you let them go.  This is the life they are now creating for themselves.