Acknowledgements
I drew my greatest inspiration watching and judging the best and the worst parents—my own parents were both—then absorbing and deciding for myself what works. The following books spoke to me the most:
Games People Play (1964)
By Eric Berne
By Eric Berne
Berne changed my perspective on relationships. It is not a book on parenting, but after you read it, you will recognize manipulation when you see it or dispense it yourself.
Between Parent and Child (1965)
Between Parent and Teenager (1972)
By Dr. Haim Ginott
Between Parent and Teenager (1972)
By Dr. Haim Ginott
The books teach ways of modifying dumb behavior—ours and the kids. Try this on a neighbor’s fresh kid: “Maybe you can be fresh at home if they let you, but not with me. I don’t allow it.” By calling her at her game, you are being very firm, but what you are asking is still doable.
Ginott also shows how to move from ineffective ways of talking to the kids to more useful ones, all the while observing the shift itself. He predicts that the transition involves cycling through a few repetitions of each of the following steps:
1. We vow to use smarter ways with the kids but notice, in action, that the same old stupid words have just came out of our mouths.
2. We hear ourselves as we begin to say something stupid, or even before, and still cannot prevent it.
3. We are about to be stupid, but manage to stop just in time to make some kind of adjustment.
4. Finally, we have made the new way our own.
1-2-3 Magic: Parenting Solutions using Positive Discipline (1992)By Dr. Thomas Phelan
Six misbehaviors are listed as targets for Time Out:
Six misbehaviors are listed as targets for Time Out:
· Hitting or rough play
· Threatening in word or action
· Rude language
· Disrespect in word or action
· Loudness
· Badgering
Seeing badgering labeled as misbehavior was an eye opener to me. Actions like hitting were obviously out of line. Recognizing that badgering had a name gave me the confidence to announce that I would apply Time Out for it. Repeating the same quesiton even one more time after I made my decision—that was badgering. Repeating a question but politely adding new reasoning or information—that was not badgering, although my answer might still not change.
