Respect the Laws of Nature

But don’t “Throw them in the deep end.”

• 
  In nature, there are real consequences to many an action, consequences that do not vanish because we wish them away.  So rather than mow down every obstacle for the kids, allow nature to take its course. 
  
  Be happy when kids recognize the natural consequences of their own actions.  They crave it.  That is why they throw pebbles into the water, to see how their little bodies can affect Mother Earth. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t fix every little problem either before or after it happens. 
  On the other hand, it horrified me to see parents use any variation of “Throw them in the deep end—sink or swim.”  Never frighten a kid by deliberately putting him in over his head.  But neither should you pretend there is no cause and effect, or that life does not have difficulties when the difficulties in fact show up. 
  
  Remember every cartoon character that popped right back up after being flattened by a rock or steamroller?  That’s pretend, it’s entertainment, but real life has consequences.  Let them flow. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Use nature to your advantage by honoring the law of natural consequences. 

• When four-year-olds went off to nursery school forgetting their lunch, my goal was to make sure that didn’t happen again—by doing nothing.  No special trip to drive the lunch over and make myself late for work.  Because no one fixed the problem, but allowed for the natural consequences, the kids remembered their lunch real well the next day.  No one had starved that day either.  The teachers always had peanut butter and crackers as a fill in. 
  
  Naturally, if the forgotten item was medicine or reading glasses, that would have been a different issue, and a special trip would have been fair enough. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Take a Zen attitude with a cue from nature.  Sometimes it is best to let something be what it has to be without interference. 
  
  Nothing makes for a stronger lesson than learning the hard way.  Again, do not deliberately play such a trick on kids to teach them a lesson, but neither should you come to their rescue so no rain is ever allowed to fall.  The gardener plans and nature improvises. 

• Years before I had kids, I learned a wonderful lesson in hands-off parenting from my neighbor Felipe L, of NY, NY but originally from El Salvador.  Three months after his son, Christian, was born, the skull starting hardening.  By closing prematurely, the skull was restricting his growing brain.  We lived next to a teaching hospital, and, thanks to the right diagnosis for the boy, at six months he had successful surgery. 
  
  Growing up like any other toddler, he would also trip and fall in the apartment.  Considering the medical history, it was doubly surprising to see Felipe did not ordinarily run and help him.  We were close enough for me to ask him why he did nothing. 
  
  In my family, Felipe would be run out of town for not panicking, or children’s services would be called in.  He explained that since he could see Christian was okay, there was no point in calling undue attention to a little fall.  He deliberately ignored it.  Specifically, he said that the toddler knew he was there for him and could either come over for a hug or call for help if it really hurt or he was scared. 
  
  That was all that was needed.  There was nothing in the picture that had to do with machismo or toughening up a two year old. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The best, clear-minded parenting allows a little rain to fall. 

• When a traffic light is green for a long time, are you surprised when that stale green naturally turns red?  Wouldn’t you agree the longer it stays green, the more likely it is to turn red soon?  If you accept the law of natural consequence yourself, you can face the inevitable with serenity. 
  
  Also, just asking, would you speed up to catch a green light you see six blocks away?  Or would you realize that the green you go through will naturally be any green other than that one? 

• Don’t fight the inevitable. 

• Don’t act surprised when rudeness begets rudeness.

• Don’t act surprised when you flip-flop on rules and the kids don’t take you seriously.

• Don’t face West early in the morning and await the sunrise. 
  

• A friend who was taking me to a weekend lunch remarked, “I hope Esther won’t go so late.”  When I asked how late the lunches usually went, “Four hours long,” the concern was understandable.  However, I said, “Hoping it won’t go late when her lunches usually do will get you as much as hoping it will go extra late.  Relax; it’ll go late.”  

Teach Etiquette for Daily Use

“Yes actually, a dinner gift is expected.”

• Isn’t etiquette a bit old hat?
  
  Some of the minor rules of etiquette are outdated, yes.  You have to be selective based on your own values, along with that of your community and culture.  Remember, though, that the norms we call etiquette, while varying in the details, are there to guide us away from foolish behavior. 
   
  Wait for the next time you bring flowers or other hostess gift as a dinner guest.  When the hostess says you shouldn’t have, delight her with, “I wanted to.”  When the host says you didn’t have to, surprise him with, “That’s what makes it a gift.”  You will now have brought more gifts than the flowers alone, and you may thank etiquette for it. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If you prefer blunt logic, you can always respond to a host who says you shouldn’t have and didn’t have to with, “Yes, actually, it’s expected” and see if you ever get invited back. 
  
  Assuming you want better for your kids than acting the clumsy fool, teach them early about the norms of etiquette within your circles.  Soon enough they’ll be on their own, but for now they are in training.  Take on a little at a time without overdoing the finer points for the younger ones. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  As always, set your best example most of the time and apologize when you slip.  You won’t be alone—you entire village is rooting for you and reinforcing the same lessons. 
  When you are talking to your kids about the polite forms of asking for a date or asking for a dance, use some old-fashioned good sense.  This is traditional and it is still so right: 

• Ask directly, “Would you like to meet for coffee or a soda?” or “Would you like to dance?” 
  
  Some polite answers we hope for are “Yes,” and even “No, thank you,” but we have no control over the answer.

• If we stay polite, there are limited responses to “No,” beyond “Thanks anyway,” but “Why not?” is not among them. 

• So when you follow etiquette, you’re covered, right?
  
  Yes, and you can still actually get to use your brain to expand on the rules. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  When you bring a baby gift to a home with a toddler who is old enough to envy that the baby gets it all, bring the toddler a token gift. 
  
  Otherwise, expect a blank stare when you ooh and aah, gushing, “Aren’t you a proud big sister to your new baby?”  The toddler gift is symbolic.  It could be as small as a single balloon you blow up together with her.  If you think ahead enough to expect her to celebrate the blessed event, meet her at her level with a reason for her to celebrate.  The new baby is not enough—it is a rival. 
  
  This idea applies to the age range of two to six—old enough to know when she is being ignored and young enough to be a baby about it.  If unsure, bring the balloon or a bouncing ball. 

• Isn’t etiquette full of tired, hollow formulas?
  
  Guerilla Tip:  The fact that a common greeting like How are you is formulaic does not make it insincere.  You have to judge that by context and tone. 
  
  It may be worthless, but defining it as stupid by the fact that it’s a set formula is one-dimensional and also stupid. 
  
  When people ask how you are, with little interest in your long list of ailments, it does not mean they are not interested in you.  That is a misread.  Too literal and you miss the underlying thought:  It makes me happy to see you, I wish you well, peace be with you.  Greeting each other’s spiritual quality is the meaning of the Sanskrit Namaste, but it also underlies most any Hello. 
  
  As etiquette keeps the peace, so too must you pass it on down the generations, but wisely. 

• Can’t there ever be exceptions?
  
  When Daniel was 12 years old, we were visiting the home of good friends.  During lunch, their 17-year-old son came storming in from a weekend teen getaway that ended prematurely for him.  It was unclear whether he chose to leave early or not, and his mother was consoling him, but he was cranky because of his embarrassing treatment. 
  
  Since we were a captive audience, my attempt to soften the moment was to start asking a question.  Daniel by my side quietly told me, “Shut up.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Never, ever allow a kid to tell you to shut up unless he found that one-in-a-million moment when it was on point. 
  
  My son’s instinct to stay out of the matter was better than mine, and he needed to get that message across to me quickly and sharply.  Afterwards, I told him that he was right at that special moment, but was never to repeat that again.  He did not.  My challenge was to refrain from acting the divine moralist, feeling the sting of “Shut up,” and stay with the clear moral of not interfering with the teen’s humiliation. 

• One time, I was toying with the playful ring of street talk, a phrase that sounded like fashizzel manizzel.  Overhearing my slang, teenage Alex asked if I knew what it meant.  I had no idea.  It seemed to be slang for saying yes.  Luckily, Alex was looking out for me and my next faux pas. 
  
  Meaning only respect for my innocent mistake, he warned me softly that buried in the phrase was a substitute for a bad word beginning with an ‘n’ like Nancy.  That would be the last time that slang needed to come out of my mouth, even in play.  Lucky for me, my kids knew they could speak up to protect me from myself. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let the kids know they can always speak up to protect each other and us. 

Model Being Kind by Being Polite

“Is the Fish Homemade?”

Be loving, continued...

• Guerilla Tip:  Be polite and teach it early. 
   
  Never ever let the kids hear you use vulgar language that you do not want them to use.  If you do currently, start tapering off.  Watch what you say even on the phone in another room, when you refer to your mother-in-law or your ex, especially if the ex is parent to your kids.  After all, you cannot teach respect for the father and mother without teaching it as a unified lesson:  You cannot teach respect for the father while showing disrespect for the mother.  There were even the compliments dropped for the kids to overhear, “Rosey’s a great cook.  Better editor than I am, too.” 
   
  One time I picked eight-year-old Alex up from her house.  He was yelling at her for shoes left out of his overnight bag.  I waited until we were alone later to tell him that his mother was deserving of more respect.  He was never to yell at her like that for any reason.  Why she allowed it was beyond me, but that was her business. 
   
  It would have been just too perfect if Alex challenged my authority to rule on what was allowed in his mother’s home, on her watch.  Instead he just agreed, and I never mentioned that moment to her.  The authority that was there to draw on was my consistent lesson to my kids on honoring thy father and thy mother.  What I asked of my kids was a respect I was also demonstrating myself.  The dividends in that one lesson will show in the serenity of your home, too. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Build your own credibility early on by teaching the consistent message that kids must show respect for all adults, starting with both their mother and father. 
   
  Whenever my ex-wife would arrive to pick up the kids, I rushed them out because she was waiting.  Note this had nothing whatsoever to do with my own feelings for her.  I just knew that if I wanted the kids to hop when I am in a rush, I had to show that I expect them to hop for her, too. 

• As for teaching politeness, I heard Alex ask a hostess if a dish of gefilte fish was homemade, after she asked who wanted a portion.  I told him it’s not polite. 
  
  “But homemade tastes better.” 
  
  
  
  “Still you can’t ask.” 
  
  Then how could a kid find out politely if he wanted a serving of a dish?  We talked it over, such as asking for a small portion and deciding if you want more.  Another way is to say, “No, thank you,” and change your mind if the dish looks good when it shows up.  For five, he was not really being rude.  But the lesson had to begin that it is rude to ask if a hostess went to the trouble of making a dish herself or if she opened a jar.  Nothing compares to the taste of homemade, but what is important here, cuisine? 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It is never too early to learn to consider people’s feelings.  The purpose of politeness is to be considerate. 
  
  It may sound like expecting a lot from a five year old, but that is how the lesson begins. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Any lesson is sure to take 50 gentle repetitions, so an early start means it can be learned by eight, not 18. 
  
  The Buddha said, “Be wise and fashion speech with your thought.”

• On vacation in Paris, we were guests of a local family.  A fresh fruit salad in a glass serving bowl was so tempting to Alex—now he was six—that he reached into the bowl for the last few berries, with his bare hands.  I just said, “Excuse me?” he said, “What?” and the hostess said, “It’s fine,” so he continued.  And I stopped him. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  No matter how gracious the hostess, parents still get to say “No hands in the serving bowl.”  Period.  Not for the sake of that hostess, but for kids to learn what flies and what doesn’t. 

• To continue in Paris, my kids asked for spaghetti with tomato sauce at a Parisian restaurant.  Really?  My parents’ voices played in my head, “We did not come to Paris for spaghetti.”  But the kids were on vacation, too, so if they wanted to order some comfort food, why lecture them on haute cuisine? 
  
  If your understanding of French standards for food is better than mine was, you guessed that the dish we were served was anything but humdrum.  It was freshly made and most delicious, and the kids continued to order it in Paris.  Everyone at peace. 
  
  A note is in order here about the infallible tradition and unquestioned standards of older generations.  Many of my mother’s dishes were very good.  Her mother was Romanian, and entrees were dipped in egg, then matzo meal, and sautéed in butter & onions for a dairy meal or in chicken fat & onions for meat.  But spaghetti sauce in my mother’s kitchen began with a ketchup bottle.  Really. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You are always free to rethink the infallible tradition and unquestioned standards of older generations. 

• Saying Oops 
  Last Friday night, entering synagogue for service, I couldn’t get in the doorway with a misplaced table and a boy of 11 or 12 standing in the way.  I tapped him on the shoulder several times as he made small attempts to give me an extra inch each time.  I still could not pass easily because of the furniture and finally whispered to the boy unfortunately exactly what I was thinking, “Would you get out of my way?”  As I was sorry for the words I allowed out of my mouth, he moved away and I walked in. 
  
  When service was over, I told the boy I was sorry if I was rough.  It would have been more honest to say I was rough, not if I was rough, but I thought it better not to define my words as rough unless he saw it that way.  As it turned out, he did not take it badly and just said it was okay.  I got off easy.  

• Saying Hello in Public when They Are Neither Kids Nor Adults 
  Pop quiz:  When you run into your teens at the mall with their friends, should you humiliate them by saying hello, or ignore them out of kindness? 
  
  Answer:  Both will get you into trouble.  Damned if you do, damned if you don’t?  Not at all.  You were brought up to know which is the polite standard, and that is the standard you will keep following.  Fearing your brat’s disapproval is not going to force you to abandon common courtesy.  Hello!  

• You may be thinking it is all a bit backwards here.  You may wonder about the overemphasis on how parents should treat kids with exquisite delicacy and honor.  You may be asking when this book is going to get around to telling the kids to honor thy father and thy mother, with traditions all the way from the Ten Commandments and on to the Bhagavad-Gita and Patanjali’s Aphorisms. 
  
  You will be glad to know that is all in the next book, because some writers cannot address everyone at once.  They are funny that way.  This book is addressed to parents, for parenting skills—it is right in the title, and so the focus is to speak to parents here.  The next book will certainly be telling the kids to treat you with great respect and to be forgiving of your flaws.  Instead of complaining that you are repeating stories which they heard before, they will tell you what my kids tell me, “You told us that story before and, yes, we remember it well.”  
   
  Just because there’ll be some changes made to the ways you deal with your kids, does not make you wrong in hindsight.  I will be sure to tell them.  A tentative title for the next book is currently under consideration:  

Handle Thy Father, Manage Thy Mother

And Stay Under the Darn Radar

• You think kids have it easy and we have the big struggles?  We all struggle, but kids have less power to choose how to handle things.  There are going to be many times when your kids cry over small things.  “My whole day is ruined,” four-year-old Salome H. of Highland Park, NJ said about a canceled play date. 
  
  You will want to tell them, “In ten years, you’ll laugh over this.”  Don’t.  That does not help at the time of hurt.  Listen a while, talk it out and ask them what they want to do. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  When kids have a weighty moment, you cannot lighten it by deciding for them that it eventually will not amount to much.  Is all this therapy?  No, politeness. 
  
  My idea was to plan a shorter play date for Salome.  If you start with a short date, you can always throw in another 15 minutes if kids are playing nicely.  You know how easy it is to fall asleep when you are tired, but how hard it is to get kids to sleep when they are overtired or over-stimulated?  A long play date can be the same—too much of a good thing with no energy to spare for the graceful close. 
  
  Salome’s mother planned a one-hour date and also rehearsed her at accepting a no answer before going next door to ask for a play date.  When they rang the bell, they found that the neighbors were just going out, so it was not a good time for a play date right then.
  
  While it would also be so nice to report success for this experiment, we all know how much trial and error is at play.  Another day ruined and the tears flowed. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  After one disappointing experiment with a new technique, do not run for cover, but persevere.  Do not even refine your technique.  Give it a second or third shot as planned before going back to the drawing board. 

• Allow them to find their way. 
    Guerilla Tip:  Whether you are honoring differences in kids or adults, you have to do more than just appreciate the differences.  You have to feature your appreciation outright.  That is where the validation lies. 
  
  Expect little uniformity between any two humans, and show that you mean it.  Similarities, sure, but not uniformity.  Showing dignity for human variation plays heavily when it comes to cultural differences, too.  Acknowledge the worth of those differences even when you don’t understand them. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  When you come to understand the differences between kids, then you have it easy.  Before you do, you have the challenge of showing humility in the face of your own ignorance.  That is why God invented the poker face. 
  
  Tell your single friends to show grace with a poker face:  If your heart sinks when you first meet someone on a blind date, never allow your face to show it.  Smile with delight when you say hello, even if the smile feels like a lie.  Broadcasting open disappointment can crush your blind date.  While it may be honest, it is unkind and undeserved. 
  
  The Buddha said, “To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to your family, to bring peace to all, you must first discipline your own mind.  Control your mind to find the way to enlightenment, and wisdom will naturally come along.” 

• English writer Christopher Isherwood broadened modern understanding on the yoga aphorisms of Patanjali.  Any everyday conversation can have a spiritual base:  “Talking about God does not merely include the discussion of overtly ‘religious’ topics. 
  
  “Almost any topic, no matter how seemingly ‘worldly,’ can be considered in relation to the underlying spiritual reality.  It is not so much what we talk about, as how we talk about it, that matters.  Nor is it necessary to use such words as ‘God,’ ‘spirit,’ ‘prayer,’ etc., at all.  These would serve to alienate unsympathetic hearers and make them feel that we are setting ourselves apart from them on a pedestal of holiness.” 
  
  Isherwood concluded on behalf of Patanjali, “Remember that every human being is searching, however confusedly, for meaning in life and will welcome discussion of that meaning, provided that we can find a vocabulary which speaks to his or her condition.”  (How to Know God, 1981, page 147.)  

Set Rules for Your Own Best Behavior

“That spicy movie was fun!” 

• If the underlying goals for the kids are think for yourselves and respect your elders, what about us?  Be loving.  No tough love, just love. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Be as reliable and consistent as you can.  
  
  Inconsistency, other than for a logical exception, is not loving and not a favor to anyone.  Either you have no backbone—stubbornness does not count—or you have created chaos instead of a regular pattern any kid can recognize and follow.  Consistency equals reliability, which is so empowering to a kid, it cannot be emphasized enough.  When your kid comes to believe in your reliability, she grows up to be reliable, because she sees how valuable it is and valued by others, too. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Be calm and set a good example.  Be patient while they learn.  Be kind as they make mistakes. 

• In yoga philosophy, people move between three common moods:  passive, aggressive and grounded.  These moods have corresponding names from their Sanskrit roots: tamasic, rajasic and sattvic. 

A.  There are times to be tamasic—lazy, crashed out, passive:  falling asleep, rising slowly, accepting nursing care without argument when you are sick.  In its place, the tamasic state can be a healing state. 

B.   There are times to be rajasic—commanding, demanding, type A, aggressive:  fighting for your life for real, protecting your family from danger, rushing someone to the hospital, removing anything that blocks your breathing.  In its place, the rajasic state can be a lifesaving state. 

C.   And there are the times, the whole rest of the day, to be sattvic— grounded, cheerful, balanced, clear-headed:  staying calm but sharp and energized, focusing singularly on one key activity at a time, being neither wired nor tired.  The more spiritual that people become, the more hours every day they remain sattvic. 

In the botanic gardens of Port of Spain, Trinidad, black flies were coming in for a fierce landing on the lemon ices in my hand.  My comment to a local was, “Eat too slowly and the flies will have it all!”  With a poker face, she said, “Oh, they’re bees; still it’s not advisable.”  I followed her sattvic advice:  Just as she did not panic, I did not panic, but quickly finished the ices.  It’s a Caribbean thing. 

Guerilla Tip:  Like the wisdom to be gentle but firm, stay sattvic with your kids—Keep your eye on what’s important, be there, be strong, be solid and reliable, be kind, be tender, smile with delight, laugh with enthusiasm, love freely and let resentments fall away. 

• How do you load a dishwasher?  One wife regularly asked her husband to do more around the house and followed up by criticizing his attempts.  For example, she would rearrange the dishwasher after he loaded it, because she had her own way.  He told me he would follow her way if she explained it, but discarding his work looked like she did not want it.  To reduce domestic friction where his help was not helping, he dropped that chore.  He dropped other chores over time, too. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  It is a dated concept that a woman should work a second shift after a day of work out of the house.  A woman is no more responsible for the home and its chores than a man is when both work out of the house. 
  
  On the other hand, if either one wants more chores or anything else from the other, encouragement works better than demands.  If you fire a worker, are you surprised when they do not show up for work?  Despite folk wisdom, there is no such thing as constructive criticism, no matter who is criticizing. 

• There are many times besides parenting when you must figure out for yourself whether you are in a situation of asking a favor or of asking for something owed.  When I was a young single, my teenage sister, Sheara, came over for dinner.  Afterwards I asked her to wash the dishes, but told her the dishes did not look that clean when she was done.  It was a sour moment since she had tried.  A wise friend helped analyze the problem. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  You cannot reasonably ask for a favor and then criticize the results.  If there are special standards, explain them upfront.  If not, the phrase you are looking for is “Thank you.” 
  
  Was asking for dishwashing really a favor?  That question took me a while to wrestle with.  Unless my sister agreed beforehand that one would cook and the other would wash dishes, washing was a favor that deserved appreciation.  It was always an option to rewash the dishes again after she left. 

• There are many boundary issues out there, not just parent to kid.  Pushing a back pocket in for another adult rather than saying something about it is crossing a boundary.  I know because I have done it, and it is stupid. 
  Mistakenly following the model of my upbringing, I was interfering in more than one relationship.  Never bossy, I was controlling, something I hated but did not recognize when I did it to others.  As for granting others their space and not adjusting a pocket for an adult, or a kid over 6, I had some learning to do. 
  
  Remarkably, I just had to ask this question to a therapist:  “But if I honor boundaries—helping more by actively doing less—isn’t that a manipulation in itself?”  He said “No, not all.  But if you want to see it that way, go ahead.” 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Deliberately not interfering in someone else’s personal space is no manipulation, it is respect.  If it nonetheless feels like you are being love-stingy, remember you are helping your relationship. 
  
  Sometimes you have to play the card needed, not the one in your hand. 

• Guerilla Tip:  Teach good manners, starting with politeness. 

With five kids, my parents had a full table, so kids could use any fork that was practical.  However, we didn’t ask someone to pass the salt if we could reach for it ourselves.  In that setting, not asking someone to pass the salt was considered better manners than asking, which was akin to asking to be served the salt that was sitting right there. 

Guerilla Tip:  Focus on the results of your manners, not on the manners themselves. 

It certainly was annoying to me when Daniel, at 14, showed up at 4PM for a 1PM lunch on the Sabbath.  By tradition, a Sabbath meal is served in many leisurely courses, all prepared in advance and kept warm on the stove. 

Late as he was, he still brought in two friends and they expected to be fed, God bless the hungry teenagers.  Other than the delicious satisfaction of letting my son have it for his lateness, discourtesy and selfishness, what would have been gained by getting it off my chest? 

With the other kids and our guests finished with the meal but still at the table, I politely told Daniel, “Food’s back on the stove for you.  Help yourselves.”  Sure enough, they knew they had gotten off easy or you know they would never have volunteered to bus their own dishes into the sink.  Yes, of course I let them. 

Guerilla Tip:  Unless you want to rule by bullying, you cannot shoot when panicked, and certainly not from the hip. 

To be effective, you need to be disciplined.  No shooting off your mouth every time you're tempted.  A display of self control is a wonderful way to tend your garden.  Anyway, to plant a tree, you have to dig some kind of hole.  So make your moves count by making them studied.  A little planning for a nice reward, or careful planting for a huge harvest. 

Guerilla Tip:  The results of good manners are never guaranteed, but there has to be something to reaping what you sow.  Even if not, who would then prefer to sow anger? 

• Years ago, World War II survivor Reverend Joe Ben David led a weekly discussion group focused on sharpening each participant’s self awareness.  Doris, ever hostile, walked in late one evening wearing a print dress of miniature flowers, and Joe remarked, “Doris, your dress reminds me of moss.”  “Thanks a lot,” was the best Doris could do.  “Do you know what moss symbolizes for me?”  “Sounds rotten,” she countered, “This I have to hear.”  Joe explained, “As a kid in the war, I was imprisoned with my family in a labor camp on Cyprus.  Hot and dry.  All the things I could dream about when we were starving and thirsty—moisture, softness and the relief to roam the cool woodlands of my Carpathian mountains—were embodied in moss.  Moss symbolizes that for me.”  Doris then understood the complement. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Pause to hear where a kid, or anyone, is coming from.  After that, understanding comes almost automatically.  

• No matter what you do for your kids, you cannot guarantee they will want to spend time with you as they grow up and leave home.  You can, though, act in ways that will guarantee the opposite.  If my kids asked me to get down and play some idiotic game on the floor, even though the game did not interest me, it was not good to say no.  Not for me and not for the kids—for our long-term relationship. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Don’t be the killjoy to tell kids their taste is bad. 
  
  At seven, I regularly enjoyed some foolish TV comedy shows.  My mother popped my balloon by explaining the structure of the situation comedy:  Every episode creates a small problem and resolves itself within the half hour, hero intact.  Well, that took the joy out of any suspense of watching those shows. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Why shouldn’t a kid have peace in the simple pleasures that bring him joy? 
  
  Don’t criticize your kid’s taste.  Likewise, don’t be a Monday night quarter back and tell the owner of a purebred cat that there are so many unwanted kittens pining in shelters to adopt.  For what end?  If a friend is considering buying a fancy cat and is open to hearing a humane alternative, go right ahead.  Use your golden opportunity to be kind to animals and to humans at the very same exact time simultaneously.  Just check first by forming a question like, “Any chance you would also consider adopting a Domestic shorthair or a kitten from a shelter?”  See, cats are never mutts, they are Domestic shorthairs that came with the American pioneers. 
  
  After seeing a disappointing movie with my kids, it would have been easy and honest to say it was bad.  But why spoil what they liked by criticizing it?  Even after the silliest movies about girls and spices, I could always muster, “That was fun!” 
  
  Your opinion as parent carries a lot of weight and, therefore, validates or invalidates your kid’s self-esteem.  Even if you were the arbiter of good taste, are you asked to judge a kid’s fun? 

• When my kids asked why I didn’t like some TV comedy about ‘friendship,’ I confessed it was not much more than who was sleeping with whom.  Well, that comment helped the kids understand more than I wanted them to.  I thought they knew the plots were about sleeping around, while they thought plots were about who's dating whom.  So I was sorry I gave it away to 7-8-9 yr olds.  Since they had not realized it before that, it was a shame it came out of my mouth at all.  I was sorry I revealed such an adult spin on the plot lines of their show, since they had not gotten that so blatantly.  So we started watching it together, so I could get my commentary in. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Better to watch bad TV with your kids and put your spin on it than to leave them to their own devices. 
  
  Watching the shows, I could at least forward my agenda, not those of the TV producer or some school friends:  Be selective in who you date, beyond their looks; be honest in your dealings; don't keep unnecessary secrets from your friends.  These moments meant more than whether the show was repetitive and superficial—I was not. 
  
  Why let society take over where I should be in charge? 

• When I was 30 and changing careers, interviewers often asked about a college degree, and the interview would not have continued without the right answer.  However, it did not much matter about my specific major (math) or grades (poor), only having the right answer. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  What should kids study in college that will serve them well in life?  Any subject that interests them. 
  
  That interest will get them through four years better than the abstract concept of a useful career. 

• Traditionally, the Book of Psalms is attributed to King David.  In Psalm 15, David begins with a rhetorical question to the Lord, “Who will be worthy of your tent?” and responds, “Whoever can live on higher ground day to day.”  But exactly how do we keep the high ground in daily life, to remain spiritually worthy 'of your tent'? 
  
  Fortunately for us, David is at the ready with a rich recipe for living the truly good life, conveniently formed into a modern bulleted list. 
  
  Here is David’s 12-step program for living the spiritual life every day: 
  

David’s Rules for your Own Best Behavior	David’s Rules Applied to the Parent with High Ideals
Walk with purity.	Carry yourself as a role model for the purity you want for your kids.
Act justly.	Let your kids see that in your actions, beyond your words, you do the right thing by them and by others.
Speak your truth, especially to yourself.	Level with your kids—They can take it.
Watch what you say about others.	Set an example of not telling tales out of school.
Be a model neighbor.	Be a model neighbor as a role model for your kids.
Treat your family with dignity.	Never embarrass a kid, and apologize if you do.
Judge for yourself if praise is deserved or not.	Offer no empty praise.  Do not reward misbehavior.
Honor other humble seekers.	Honor kids for their pure vision.  Give credit where credit is due; not just for results, but for effort.  We are all trying.
Stand by your word at any cost.	Honor your commitments, even to kids.
Be scrupulous in your business dealings.	Don’t take advantage because kids are weaker.  Teach the value of money and fairness.
Nobody bribes you or buys you off to make dishonest decisions.	Nobody bribes you or buys you off to make dishonest decisions.
Build these activities into your daily life, and you will never falter for long.	Persevere and reap the rewards for yourself and the kids.

Twelve psalms after this 12-step program, the poet asks for daily help to live by his beliefs (27:4), “What I once asked of the Lord I now keep asking:  Let me live in the Lord’s house each day of my life.”  The poet is not asking for a quantity of years, but a quality of life in the moment day by day. 

Psalm 15 is timeless for its simplicity and tenderness.  The night after translating it by chance, I attended a friend’s funeral and was asked by chance to recite none other than Psalm 15.  This interpretation is dedicated to the memory of Jon Steel, Jr., who once phoned me to say I was too rough on my kids.  It is easier to see it from the outside. 

• Meditating in a holy atmosphere, that is the easy part.  Carrying that purity out into the daily world is where the real work begins. 
  
  Prayer in a temple and stillness at a waterfall are easy.  With or without words, the good feelings flow automatically.  A waterfall emits negative ions that produce a feeling of great physical calm.  This is more than just the awe of meeting nature where she lives. The immediacy of prayer is there at the Western Wall in Jerusalem, the Bahai Temples of Chicago and Haifa, St. John the Divine and St. Vartans Greek Orthodox of NYC and the meditation rooms of ashrams like the Ananda Yoga Center of Monroe, NY.  And, forgive me, even in drab airport chapels, there is something there.  That is why the world’s popular holy places are so popular.  The spiritual feelings are served up on a silver platter.
  
  How about everyday life, with its bombardment of demands? That is where we need clarity of vision and serenity the most, especially as parents.  That is when it is the hardest to cut through to the still point of the examined life.  Do your best. 

• In a Sabbath-observing home, last minute doings are the norm before lighting candles on Friday night.  Since many activities cannot be done after that, rushing to do this and that was my regular habit.  Being cranky, not wanting to be interrupted, saying keep out of the way, issuing warnings to bother me later—all bad.  “Whatever you’re doing,” Shevy remarked at 10, “you’re doing to yourself.”  That really slowed me down.  Why prepare a nice meal for the family and be rude in the process?  What was the point of the hysterics and what was it doing to my relationship with the kids?  That was my key concern. 
  
  So, after Shevy interrupted my crankiness, my behavior changed.  Last minute chores dropped to one or two.  I delegated more by asking the kids to help me with specific tasks.  Or I asked softly to hold off on any long discussion until the candles were lit, as in “Let me concentrate on that in a few minutes.  Remind me, okay?”  Then, whatever did not get done would not matter any more, and my ears were back open for business. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Whenever you find yourself running around, check your reasoning.  Ask why.  Who made you?  For what purpose?  

Let Them Figure Stuff Out Themselves

“What’s a slut?”

• If you want total silence at mealtimes and unquestioned subservience from your kids, good luck.  Being a dictator may simplify your life for now, but it will crush their spirits in the early years, then backfire badly later.
  
  When the Pilgrims farmed in the new world, their mindset towards governing the land clashed with the native mindset.  To the pilgrims, land was to be owned; to the natives, land was to be husbanded.
   
  From governing land, we have two different models for governing kids.  Anything you own, you can mistreat if you wanted to, for what you perceive to be your own long-term benefit.  Anything you husband, you are entrusted to treat very well for its long-term benefit, not yours.

     Guerilla Tip:  Some parents want to own kids and restrict them.  Other want to lead, guide, love, listen and help.  Which model will you choose? 

• Among its many Aramaic proverbs, the Talmud says that after the young wander, they can return carrying wisdom—so the child sometimes makes the parent wiser (Dinafaik minach, ta’ama milfach). 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  You give them life, and in time they give back. 
  
  Once, a woman named Mrs. Asimov was doing well in a creative writing course.  When the teacher realized after a few sessions that the woman was the mother of science-fiction writer Isaac Asimov, he complimented her, “Ah, so that’s why you write so well!”  She corrected him, “You mean that’s why he writes so well.” 

• When Alex was finishing kindergarten, his teacher felt sure he would benefit from another year of development before starting first grade.  When such a step is called for, it gives the kid the gift of time, but we objected due to his smarts, especially in math.  The teacher said, “He’ll be smart in math a year later, too.  We see a pattern in how most Kindergarteners develop over the year, and we didn’t see it yet in Alex.”  Luckily, the yeshiva grade school we moved him into used the title ‘Pre 1A’ for their kindergarten, so he felt no stigma when he repeated the year.  In any event, there would be greater stigma attached to repeating any later grade, when grades have numbers attached. 
   
  By the beginning of 2^nd grade, though, Alex noticed something had happened to shift him to a grade below some of his friends.  He came home one night and confronted me, saying, “Why did you hold me back?” “So you feel we held you back?” I asked.  “I don’t feel; you did,” he replied decisively.  I told him about the conversation with his teacher years before, but he remained unhappy.  Unfortunately, there was not much I could do but hear him out about his feeling of letdown.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  If all you can do in a delicate moment is listen and accept your kid’s disappointment, that too is an honest exchange.

• I took Alex and friends to see a PG 13 comedy when they were hardly 13.  I was much stricter about movies with drug use and bedroom scenes than about chase scenes or adult language. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  If they are old enough to get it, then they are old enough. 
   
  During the movie, one boy asked me, “Mr. Baskin, what’s a slut?”  I had to compose myself for that one.  “See her dress, not modest, breasts kind of falling out?  He’s insulting her.” After the movie, I added, “By the way, since it’s an insult, if you use the word with your parents, teachers or Rabbis, they might not let me take you to PG13 movies anymore.”
   
  Guerilla Tip:  You cannot control what language kids will use with their own peers, nor do you need to care.  So carry only the burdens you need to.  Otherwise, relax. 
  
  Before you decide I did not treat the vulgarity with the proper weight, consider that my implications for self-control and moderation are precisely how parents and the whole village train kids to fit into the civilized world.  Or course, if they are determined to be monks, they are on their own. 
  
  First notice I did not tell the boy not to repeat a bad word, but showed him a reason for him to want to be selective.  After introducing a consequence, I let him figure out by himself what would be best for him to do.  I guess I set it up right, because it never got back to me. 
  
  A parallel for adults is the classic advice in asking for a raise:  Don’t waste time crying poverty.  Instead, list the reasons for your boss to recognize your worth, so it is your boss who wants to reward you.
  
  Second, it is your right to take a youngster with you to a mature movie if you so choose.  That is up to your circumstances, not my recommendation either way. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  If your local theater does not have a listing that specifies why a movie got its rating, look it up on the internet so you can decide. 
  
  If the listing said there is a scene of graphic drug use, I did not take the kids.  Foul language I could deal with, depending on a kid’s age.  

• People view the world from their own vantage point, and that is fine.  I have a sociable cat named Sherlock, affectionate like a puppy, not aloof like most cats.  Since I adopted him as a kitten from a shelter, I must have groomed him to be a lap cat, or it is his own constitution.  When a friend was over, she did not see Sherlock as friendly, she called him needy.  If his friendliness was unwanted, maybe I would also have been annoyed, but I like it a lot.  The same event can be seen from different perspectives. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  You may not like someone else’s point of view, but they are entitled to it. 

• When my marriage fell apart and I moved out, I came over every single night for 16 months to put the kids to bed.  Our family psychologist lauded us for being so innovative, explaining that less of a change for the kids meant less stress for them. 
  
  Early on when Daniel was about seven, he did not follow why we were separating, and he asked me why.  I said that although we both did our best, his mother didn’t think I contributed much to the home.  I wasn’t happy with that, and she wasn’t happy either.  He countered, “But you take care of us.  You buy us pizza.”  I added, “Yes, but she doesn’t see it that way.”  Out of the mouth of babes, he offered, “Maybe she needs new eyes.”  I was speechless. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Kids see more than we think and are perfectly capable of judging for themselves if we let them. 

• Because she viewed me as a friend, my five year-old neighbor Salome invited me for a sleepover recently in her newly painted pink bedroom.  “Thank you so much,” bought me a minute to regroup and gather my words.  “But adults don’t usually have sleepovers with kids.” 
   
  The word usually served a few purposes:  It was not a blunt rejection; it made the issue less black and white, so Sally could make sense of it independently, and it left the door open if her family had aunts and uncles stay over.  My goal was to say no to a little girl without implying she said anything wrong, which she didn’t.  She understood the answer was basically no—a letdown she did not usually take kindly to—and it didn’t even bother her.  She figured it out for herself. 
  
  Her father was happy to hear my report, and it was probably his cue to start having ‘that’ talk about safety soon. 

• When Shevy was three, she saw the movie Bambi.  Driving in the car with her, I spotted a fallen deer by the side of the road and said, “Oh, look Shevy, it’s like Bambi’s mother.”  Shevy said, “Bambi’s a cartoon.  That’s a real deer.”
   
  Guerilla Tip:  As child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim said, kids actually do know the score and will use their wits to survive. 

• Seeing the occasional sign “Loft to let” as a schoolchild, I could not make out what that meant.  Since I had never heard the word ‘let’ used to mean rent, I concluded that the letter ‘I’ might be missing right before it to advertise a bathroom on the second floor.  This naïve story shows kids will fill in the details to make sense of the world around them, when they don’t understand.  
     Guerilla Tip:  Kids don’t know unless you tell them, as they would not know how to use tools well unless you show them. 
  
  My brother David wondered if the Yiddish term balabusta, savvy homemaker, was a cognate for the American term ball buster.  It isn’t. 
  
  My friend Danny S. heard as a child about sitting shiva.  He pictured Jewish mourners wrapped in blankets because they shivered in discomfort.  No one told him then that shiva is Hebrew for seven.  The bereaved sit in mourning for seven days when the community visits to comfort them. 
  
  A more charged story comes from violinist Halina S. of NY, NY.  Her mother survived the Holocaust in Poland only to remain silent about those experiences when relating to Halina.  Understandable, but the young girl then filled in with the most horrible stories of her own as her method of coping with not knowing.  Ideally, the parents could have found a half-way measure. 

• With Shevy no more than four, she was merrily conducting an imaginary class in our living room.  Thinking to help her playtime illusion, I walked over to join in and follow her instructions to the class.  When she asked the class to get up, I also stood up, but she turned and chastised me, “It’s pretend.” 

• When my kids did well on a school test or got a final grade of A or B, it made me feel proud.  Instead of saying I was proud, though, I wanted to make sure they were the ones feeling proud.  I would see if I could get them to own it by offering up the words, if I needed to, “Very good.  How’d that feel?  Proud, I bet!” 

    Guerilla Tip:  Help your kids feel proud of getting results from their own efforts.  Never mind that you feel proud.  Make them connect the dots. 

• As the kids grew, I would ask them to do a few household chores in a row.
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Ask kids to do a few things in a row.
  
  Daniel, however, sometimes objected to remembering a list of chores.  For him, remembering was a burden.  He would ask to get only one step at a time, and then he cooperated.  Additionally, he was afraid that if he forgot a step I would be sore.  Admittedly that was true when I thought the steps were trivial, but he demonstrated that he was willing to perform household chores if they were doled out in a way that made him comfortable.  If the work got done, he could have his marching papers one by one—worked for him, worked for me.
   
  Similarly, if Daniel’s chore was to set the whole table for a Sabbath meal—four courses, often with guests expected—he would ask me to set one place first that he could copy.  He did not mind doing the work if there would be no second guessing to follow.  The chore of second guessing must have been mine, and my chores usually got done.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Let them teach you how to be their best teacher, guiding you how to be their best guide.    

• In tryouts for the Little League baseball team when he was eight, Daniel swung his bat at so few pitches that it looked like he was unsure.  The coach, however, saw a completely different picture:  Daniel’s eye was so good, and so much better than mine, that he could see that only one in five pitches was perfect for him.  The coach saw him swing at only the very best pitches. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Before drawing conclusions about things you know little about, check your facts.  Hold off before you lock into any assumption that kids are fools, have bad judgment or hold onto fears. 
  
  During the season, another coach was using rough language with a foul tone to pep the team up.  That mock anger might fit for college sports, but is it really needed for eight year olds?  Checking for his take, my question was “Does the coach usually talk that way?”  Daniel surprised me by saying he couldn’t care less.  Because the coaching was winning games, the coach could talk any trash he wanted.  Not my call, then.    
     Guerilla Tip:  As your kids grow, respect their priorities. 

• At seven years old, Miriam M. of Cabo Rojo, Puerto Rico, was sent to bed early to say her prayers, which made her angry.  But since she was forced to say her prayers, God was now the culprit.  Miriam’s prayer:  “I wish God died.”  She knew it was over the line and she felt guilty, but felt better saying it out loud.  She later discovered that cursing God was really displaced anger to her mother.  But since her mother forbade its direct expression, it became forbidden for little Miriam to feel.  So, she could not have felt it. 
    
  Of course, she didn’t hate God, only the coerced bedtime and coerced prayers.  The kid did nothing wrong other than expressing herself.  Let’s say you overheard Miriam’s curse, not directed towards you, but you were scandalized.  You could make a scene, or you could leave it alone. 
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Let kids talk to God as they will, without interference, and figure out what results they gain. 

• Shevy at four learned through a friend how a father puts a baby inside a mother.  First she checked with me if that ridiculous idea could possible be true.  Then she wanted to know where the baby comes out.  She couldn’t guess, despite my encouragement, despite my hints that it’s the same place it goes in.  Finally, I said the baby usually comes out when the mother’s body opens between the legs.  With complete disbelief, she guessed, “The vagina?”  My simple yes threw her into hysterics of silliness, picturing such an absurd image. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Talking birds and bees is a balance of modest language, nothing too graphic for a young kid, and the plain medical terms permitted in a court of law.  It’s not scenic, but you won’t go wrong. 
  
  When they ask, by definition it’s time.  You’re on.  Don’t avoid answering them, but put your spin on it.  Use your head about just how to address such a delicate subject.  Straight-forward talk avoids frightening the kids.  Don’t make the subject a big deal.  If it’s hard to treat it like any other subject, do what most parents do—pretend. 

• At about the time a US president was investigated for his personal activities, Alex was 7 and asked for some definition on exactly what constituted intercourse.  The subject was after all in the news.  Alex could imagine that the male part goes into the basic female part.  However, he was surprised to hear me say other parts accepted it as well.   If the news insists we broaden our minds, bring it on.  He wondered which other parts work—the hand?  Yes.  The mouth?  Yes.  Behind?  Well, yes.  Now he was off to the races and breaking new ground—the ear?  No, I never heard of it.  Aural would be new.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Let them figure stuff out for themselves, but point them in the right direction. 

• When Daniel, Shevy and I went to Jamaica on vacation, we experienced a small wonder of the world called Dunn’s River Falls.  Not only does the chilly mountain waterfall pour right into the warm sea, but tourists hike the five blocks up the wet rocks of the cascade, as we did.  It’s miraculous.  Later, we phoned Alex, back home on a different vacation with his mother.  On the day we went to the falls in the Caribbean, Alex went to Hershey Park, PA, where he rode an amusement ride also called Dunn’s River Falls.
    
  All three kids, ages 5, 6 and 7 had the identical reaction:  Alex had gotten the better deal.  There was nothing to be done but laugh that the simulated ride beat out the real falls.  Kids.  The story is paradoxical, a baby ignoring a toy and playing more with the box it came in.  Likewise, it’s stupid that kids envied the ride over the real thing, but at least nobody lectured them.  As it turns out, Shevy still remembers the falls as being too intense for her.  She was frightened, not exhilarated, and I carried her part of the way through the water.  An amusement ride would have been more her speed.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  It is restraint that expresses love—letting things pass.
   
  There is no comparison between synthetic and real experiences.   For example, there is no comparison between toy instruments and real ones—the sound and even the way they feel in your hand and the kid’s.  If you can afford it, buy them the real thing.   Latin shakers, real maracas and teak Claves are under $10.  Basic harmonicas and tambourines used by professionals cost $15 to $20 and sound nothing like toys.  It’s a great honor to be given a real instrument.  Not only is it much easier to produce a pleasing sound and feel successful with the real thing, but your own ears will thank you for your generosity.  
  
  Guerilla Tip:  Just because kids gravitate towards what’s most packaged, sparkling and artificial, doesn’t mean that’s what’s best for them. 
  
  As always, they get some input, and you decide what’s best for them. 

• Part of growing up is talking to adults in ordinary conversation.
   
  Guerilla Tip:  Give kids practice ordering at restaurants.  Let them speak to waiters about what they want, asking about the size or the spiciness of a dish, after you approved what they will order, of course. 

• Alex was watching TV with me when he was 12, and a commercial for men’s hair dye came on.  Since it showed the guy with a pretty woman, my question was what was the ad saying?  “If you buy our product,” he nailed the message, “you’ll get more girls. 
   
  Guerilla Tip:  See if your kids know what messages the media is actually selling along with the products they advertise.  If they don’t follow, tell them.  
    
  My kids were already quite used to this sort of challenge from me.  However, when we were watching TV at a visit to my sister’s house and talked about this sort of question with her kids there, she was annoyed, “For God’s sake, let them just enjoy the show!”  Fair enough, Sheara.